What age do you allow your children to play out unsupervised?

[littletobyj]

I'd have called ss

Think I would have been tempted too as well.

I don't mind my LO around people that I know and trust but I couldn't be comfortable with him in and out of 'neighbours' houses just as I am not entirely comfortable with random children from the street in and out of my house. You have no idea what or who they are coming into contact with and at a young and impressionable age it just feels wrong.
A minor example of this was the other weekend when my son was supervised on the front and 3 small boys from the estate appeared to play, I had no idea where they lived, who they were, whether their parents knew where they were, their parents didn't know me from Adam, their road safety was atrocious and instantly I felt responsible for a group of children and I have to tell you that 4 small boys was hard work! 2 hours and lots of chaos later (including ice cream which I handed out unsure whether the parents would approve but what the hell) the garden looking like a war zone and I had to bite my tongue while a set of flustered parents arrived looking for their children!! How I kept my cool while one mother shouted at her son because she had spent the last 10 mins looking for him! It's just not my ideal.

 

[Andypanda6570]

My son was not aloud off my street or to walk anywhere till he was 12. He will be 13 in September. I don't know I just didn't feel comfortable earlier than 12.

 

[alicecooper]

Finland is safer, finish friend tells me natsku, do you,think so? She said growing up she used to walk home at 11 and cook dinner, it was the norm, but here its not and she wouldn't allow her children to

I agree with midnight fairy, I don't think any child under 11 should be out alone where parents don't have an eye on them.. Someone here said they sometimes have to ask another mother in the street what house their kids are in... Sorry but to me that's insane I just couldn't not know for 1 min where my child was. This worlds just too scary

That would be me.

The world is a big scary place for adults too. How many adults get murdered or raped? More than kids I suspect. Yet you wouldn't keep 24/7 tabs on an adult.

In a secluded estate, surrounded by just fields with cows in, and everybody knowing which house every child belongs in, and everybody looking out for each other, I can think of far worse things than letting children play out and pop to their friends houses.

They are never ever allowed out of the estate, they know that. They also know about stranger danger, and not to go into houses of people who don't have kids themselves.

But I can't keep them cooped inside all the time. To me, helicopter parenting is just as detrimental to a child as giving them TOO much freedom.

I don't think mine have too much freedom. They can't walk to the shops alone, they can't walk to school alone, and so on. But at the same time I think it's healthy for them to learn to have a bit of independence.

I think people these days keep their kids at home a lot more than they used to. Children used to play out a lot more in days-gone-by, yet the dangers were there back then all the same. The world is no more dangerous now than it was then, yet people seem to think to the contrary.

 

[sparkle_1979]

My kids (7, 5 and 3) play out all the time, though granted the 3 year old is only allowed out if he's with the 7 year old. He's not allowed out alone.

They wander to the neighbours house and play on their trampoline (they're allowed, the neighbour is fine about it) and end up coming back from time to time saying they're stopping at somebody else's house for dinner or whatever.

And we almost always have other peoples kids wandering in and out of our house as well, and stopping for dinner.

This estate is a very quiet cul-de-sac with a huge field directly in front of our house, and it's FULL of kids (I do mean FULL - like about 30 or more kids ranging from age 2 all the way up live around here). And they all play out constantly, so it's not unusual for about 12 kids at a time to be milling around outside all together.

The big ones watch out for the little ones, everybody knows everybody else's kids. It's a case of "where are my kids?" and somebody will pipe up "oh they're playing at so-and-so's house".

I love living here tbh. It's a really nice place for kids.

Yes my only concern is cars, but there are 10mph signs all over the place, and all the kids are drilled from being knee high to a grasshopper to watch out for cars, to look and listen, and all the rest of it.

Nobody's house in the whole estate is that far that the kids wouldn't hear us call if we shout. Yell loud enough and they troop back.

I like that our kids have such freedom here. TBH there's no WAY I would have allowed them to play out like this when we lived in either of our last two houses, it wouldn't have been safe, but here it's different.
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It was where you said that you would have to ask where your kids are, you don't know what house their in. Sorry but that just makes me uncomfortable but we are all different

I do get that ur kids are having a wonderful childhood and its the way it should be but for me I need to knw where my kids are at all times

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I would feel sick not knowing where they are. I still park at school and walk them to the door!!! They are 7&8! They don't need to be responsible yet. Its my job to keep them safe.

 

[alicecooper]

My kids (7, 5 and 3) play out all the time, though granted the 3 year old is only allowed out if he's with the 7 year old. He's not allowed out alone.

They wander to the neighbours house and play on their trampoline (they're allowed, the neighbour is fine about it) and end up coming back from time to time saying they're stopping at somebody else's house for dinner or whatever.

And we almost always have other peoples kids wandering in and out of our house as well, and stopping for dinner.

This estate is a very quiet cul-de-sac with a huge field directly in front of our house, and it's FULL of kids (I do mean FULL - like about 30 or more kids ranging from age 2 all the way up live around here). And they all play out constantly, so it's not unusual for about 12 kids at a time to be milling around outside all together.

The big ones watch out for the little ones, everybody knows everybody else's kids. It's a case of "where are my kids?" and somebody will pipe up "oh they're playing at so-and-so's house".

I love living here tbh. It's a really nice place for kids.

Yes my only concern is cars, but there are 10mph signs all over the place, and all the kids are drilled from being knee high to a grasshopper to watch out for cars, to look and listen, and all the rest of it.

Nobody's house in the whole estate is that far that the kids wouldn't hear us call if we shout. Yell loud enough and they troop back.

I like that our kids have such freedom here. TBH there's no WAY I would have allowed them to play out like this when we lived in either of our last two houses, it wouldn't have been safe, but here it's different.

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It was where you said that you would have to ask where your kids are, you don't know what house their in. Sorry but that just makes me uncomfortable but we are all different

I do get that ur kids are having a wonderful childhood and its the way it should be but for me I need to knw where my kids are at all times

Well as I recall you said that I was insane, which is always charming. There's only generally a choice of maybe 5 houses that they would be in - all of which contain their closest friends. So yeah often I don't know which friends house they have gone to. But they're not going to have wandered off to some random old person's house, or somebody without kids or something. I do know if they aren't with one set of friends, they're with another.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I just wanted to say I don't care where you live no place is 100% safe. Pedophiles, child murderers come from everywhere and are in every country. Most of the abductions here are from places that are actually very affluent.
I definitely would not base that on allowing your child to walk alone. JMO

 

[alicecooper]

I just wanted to say I don't care where you live no place is 100% safe. Pedophiles, child murderers come from everywhere and are in every country. Most of the abductions here are from places that are actually very affluent.
I definitely would not base that on allowing your child to walk alone. JMO

Indeed, but it's no safer for an adult than it is a child.

 

[Sarahkka]

alicecooper has a very good point. Helicopter parenting has been proven to be far more damaging to kids in the long run. So should "overprotective" parents be accused of negligence or bad parenting because they DO decide to have 24/7 surveillance over their kids?
This is not an attack on anyone, this is a genuine question. It is a big struggle as parents to navigate our way through all the advice and studies and whatnot. Most of us respond very emotionally to the (very rare) stories of child disappearances - it is every parent's worst nightmare and we would all do anything to protect our children from such things.
But the weird thing is that I would bet a fair few of us grew up with a lot more freedom than we would dream of giving our kids. We turned out just fine. But our kids might not. Here is an article describing just a few of the negative effects of helicopter parenting:
https://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/12/opinion/sunday/too-much-helicopter-parenting.html?_r=0
There are BOOKS written on how bad this is for your kids. This isn't just an opinion - there are multiple studies to back it up.

 

[Sarahkka]

I just wanted to say I don't care where you live no place is 100% safe. Pedophiles, child murderers come from everywhere and are in every country. Most of the abductions here are from places that are actually very affluent.
I definitely would not base that on allowing your child to walk alone. JMO

I would guess that a child who has been given increasing amounts of independence and responsibility would be better equipped to deal with all the dangerous people out there than one who has not. They been given the room to develop the confidence and self-assertion in the absence of their protective adult that overprotected kids have not.
And again, statistically, these scary individuals are not hovering on every street corner. We perceive this as such, but the numbers do not support this perception. In many places, crime rates have gone down from a few decades ago.

 

[Blah11]

Eh adults are different. They have much stronger sense of danger or of anything not being quite right. Children who are as small as 3 and 4 are barely out of nappies and certainly do not.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I think being over protective would only apply to a 14/15yr old not a 9yr old.

 

[sparkle_1979]

Alicecooper I don't see the point in comparing children and adults as its completely different, we as adults are there to protect our children the best we can

I didn't mean I think you're insane just to me it is insane, not you. Sorry for that, didn't mean to offend you

 

[Andypanda6570]

I meant that it does not depend on the area you are from, crime happens everywhere. But for me I decided my son would walk alone at 12 the earliest, I would have went for later , but my husband intervened. No I don't think there are monsters lurking on every corner , but my son is aware that you can't trust anyone you don't know and I think at 12 your a little bit more equipped than at 4 5 6 7 8 9 , that is JMO. My son will not walk around with the notion that it can't happen to him, cause it sure can. In Staten Island , New York where I live 200 kids are missing. I don't want him to walk around scared but there is a difference to me between scared and aware..

 

[alicecooper]

Alicecooper I don't see the point in comparing children and adults as its completely different, we as adults are there to protect our children the best we can

I didn't mean I think you're insane just to me it is insane, not you. Sorry for that, didn't mean to offend you

I don't think that I'm NOT protecting my children though. As I already said, I wouldn't let them play out at either of our last places, but here it's different. DH and I weigh up dangers before making any decisions, and make our choices for our children accordingly.

Maybe if you lived here you'd feel differently

 

[littletobyj]

Alice I understand where you are coming from in one sense you have a little bubble in which you allow your children some freedom, that same freedom doesn't apply to anything outside of that bubble and if you were not in the safety of that zone your children would be supervised. I think you are really lucky to live in an area where that is possible.

However I certainly don't think that the vast majority of UK parents feel that their area is ok for that, I certainly don't. I would totally disagree with anyone who tried to say this style of parenting is having a detrimental effect. I have a parental responsibility to take steps to protect my child whenever possible. Like so many others have stated I feel my child is unable to make judgement calls on some situations, be it road safety or suspicious characters. Yes I know it is rare but we all know that it goes on, it might not even be someone lurking on a street corner, it might be our next door neighbours inviting kids in for sweets, not the ghastly murders that hit the press but other less serious offences that I still would be devasted if my child was subjected too. I don't care how many studies say that it's detrimental, these studies have probably been conducted by people who dont have kids of their own! I don't need to let my kids go roaming the streets for them to learn independence and have confidence.

 

[sparkle_1979]

Alice I live in a tiny village 100 houses, thirty mins drive to town it's remote as they come...

I didn't say ur not protecting your children, you're reading it wrong. I was just trying to say I just don't see ANY comparison with children and adults being out on the streets. It's so different risk wise and I don't see how the two are the same in any way when discussing children being out without parents or adults supervision

I feel like you think I'm picking on your posts and that's not my intention at all. I'm sorry if this is how I'm coming across

 

[Sarahkka]

Eh adults are different. They have much stronger sense of danger or of anything not being quite right. Children who are as small as 3 and 4 are barely out of nappies and certainly do not.

And adults develop that critical faculty by having to deal with risk at appropriate times in their lives.
All of the unsupervised playtime our generation had as children - the kind of time that alicecooper is describing: a loose gaggle of kids with considerable autonomy within that boundary - prepared us to deal with adversity as adults. All the negotiating, arguments, mischief, consequences - all the stuff that happens when children aren't being hypermanaged - that is what develops into the sense of danger, or the ability to sniff out a scam, that keeps our kids safe well into adulthood.
Does that mean that I am going to leave my 4 year old downtown and tell him to find his own way home? Of course not. That is not an appropriate risk for his age or ability. But allowing him increasing amounts of autonomy that he earns means that yes, by the time he is 6 or 7, I will feel comfortable with allowing him to travel around our neighbourhood without me. And because he will know and trust most of the adults in the neighbourhood, he will know to seek help if he feels threatened and where to find that help.

 

[Abigailly]

My 3 year old plays out by herself. We are the end house in our cul-de-sac and from my hall and living room I can see the whole street. However she's only allowed to the end of the house next door but one to us. Where we drew a 'magic line' and is not allowed to cross it.

She's completely aware of the danger of strangers. KNows to never get into a car with anyone, even her friend's parents. She's not to go into anyone gardens or houses without telling me first and has an alarm on her watch that goes off every 10 minutes, at which she has to come check in with me. This is for her own use. To remind her that she constantly has to let me know where she is and gives her sense of freedom. She regularly goes into friend's gardens and houses to play. Just as we always have kids round at our. I can't remember the last time I just had Niamh for lunch, and if it's a sunny dayout they all set themselves up in our garden for a picnic.

It's a wonderful place for her to be in, she feels comfortable going and ringing a friend's bell and asking them to come out. I'm close to the other mums as we all got to know each other so we were comfortable with the kids being at each others house and it's turned Niamh into an incredibly confident. self assured child. Who is very worldly, is great at socializing, and has a great group of friends.

What Niamh doesn't know, is that when outside I sit on the stairs or sofa doing work so I can always see her, us parents have an agreement, if a child turns up at their house they call their mum. Whther the mum knows they're going or not. And the 4 houses she plays at I can see their back garden from one window or other.

She thinks she's completely independent though and that's the important thing.

 

[Sarahkka]

Alice I understand where you are coming from in one sense you have a little bubble in which you allow your children some freedom, that same freedom doesn't apply to anything outside of that bubble and if you were not in the safety of that zone your children would be supervised. I think you are really lucky to live in an area where that is possible.

However I certainly don't think that the vast majority of UK parents feel that their area is ok for that, I certainly don't. I would totally disagree with anyone who tried to say this style of parenting is having a detrimental effect. I have a parental responsibility to take steps to protect my child whenever possible. Like so many others have stated I feel my child is unable to make judgement calls on some situations, be it road safety or suspicious characters. Yes I know it is rare but we all know that it goes on, it might not even be someone lurking on a street corner, it might be our next door neighbours inviting kids in for sweets, not the ghastly murders that hit the press but other less serious offences that I still would be devasted if my child was subjected too. I don't care how many studies say that it's detrimental, these studies have probably been conducted by people who dont have kids of their own! I don't need to let my kids go roaming the streets for them to learn independence and have confidence.

You are absolutely entitled to assess your particular risk as you see fit. But the bolded statement above is not accurate. Many of the studies and books I have read came from educators and sociologists who not only have families of their own, but who have worked with children routinely over considerable careers. It was the trend of helicopter parenting and the subsequent shocking lack of self-sufficiency in young adults that prompted a lot of the sociological analysis and studies.
It may seem counter-intuitive, but allowing unstructured and relatively unmanaged/unsupervised time is developmentally necessary if children are going to become self-sufficient adults.
I am wondering if maybe this is partly how you may be interpreting this idea? It seems to me that you are taking this as "turn your kids loose on the streets". It is not. There are still plenty of checks and balances for their safety. And those checks and balances adjust according to area and level of risk. And of course, the maturity of the child has to be considered, as well.