What age do you allow your children to play out unsupervised?

[Sarahkka]

My 3 year old plays out by herself. We are the end house in our cul-de-sac and from my hall and living room I can see the whole street. However she's only allowed to the end of the house next door but one to us. Where we drew a 'magic line' and is not allowed to cross it.

She's completely aware of the danger of strangers. KNows to never get into a car with anyone, even her friend's parents. She's not to go into anyone gardens or houses without telling me first and has an alarm on her watch that goes off every 10 minutes, at which she has to come check in with me. This is for her own use. To remind her that she constantly has to let me know where she is and gives her sense of freedom. She regularly goes into friend's gardens and houses to play. Just as we always have kids round at our. I can't remember the last time I just had Niamh for lunch, and if it's a sunny dayout they all set themselves up in our garden for a picnic.

It's a wonderful place for her to be in, she feels comfortable going and ringing a friend's bell and asking them to come out. I'm close to the other mums as we all got to know each other so we were comfortable with the kids being at each others house and it's turned Niamh into an incredibly confident. self assured child. Who is very worldly, is great at socializing, and has a great group of friends.

What Niamh doesn't know, is that when outside I sit on the stairs or sofa doing work so I can always see her, us parents have an agreement, if a child turns up at their house they call their mum. Whther the mum knows they're going or not. And the 4 houses she plays at I can see their back garden from one window or other.

She thinks she's completely independent though and that's the important thing.

This is an excellent example of slowly transitioning and building autonomy in a small child! Not to mention building a great community. Love it!

 

[Natsku]

My 3 year old plays out by herself. We are the end house in our cul-de-sac and from my hall and living room I can see the whole street. However she's only allowed to the end of the house next door but one to us. Where we drew a 'magic line' and is not allowed to cross it.

She's completely aware of the danger of strangers. KNows to never get into a car with anyone, even her friend's parents. She's not to go into anyone gardens or houses without telling me first and has an alarm on her watch that goes off every 10 minutes, at which she has to come check in with me. This is for her own use. To remind her that she constantly has to let me know where she is and gives her sense of freedom. She regularly goes into friend's gardens and houses to play. Just as we always have kids round at our. I can't remember the last time I just had Niamh for lunch, and if it's a sunny dayout they all set themselves up in our garden for a picnic.

It's a wonderful place for her to be in, she feels comfortable going and ringing a friend's bell and asking them to come out. I'm close to the other mums as we all got to know each other so we were comfortable with the kids being at each others house and it's turned Niamh into an incredibly confident. self assured child. Who is very worldly, is great at socializing, and has a great group of friends.

What Niamh doesn't know, is that when outside I sit on the stairs or sofa doing work so I can always see her, us parents have an agreement, if a child turns up at their house they call their mum. Whther the mum knows they're going or not. And the 4 houses she plays at I can see their back garden from one window or other.

She thinks she's completely independent though and that's the important thing.

This is an excellent example of slowly transitioning and building autonomy in a small child! Not to mention building a great community. Love it!

I agree, sounds like an excellent way of teaching independence and responsibility to a child that age while balancing safety as well.

 

[Abigailly]

Alice I understand where you are coming from in one sense you have a little bubble in which you allow your children some freedom, that same freedom doesn't apply to anything outside of that bubble and if you were not in the safety of that zone your children would be supervised. I think you are really lucky to live in an area where that is possible.

However I certainly don't think that the vast majority of UK parents feel that their area is ok for that, I certainly don't. I would totally disagree with anyone who tried to say this style of parenting is having a detrimental effect. I have a parental responsibility to take steps to protect my child whenever possible. Like so many others have stated I feel my child is unable to make judgement calls on some situations, be it road safety or suspicious characters. Yes I know it is rare but we all know that it goes on, it might not even be someone lurking on a street corner, it might be our next door neighbours inviting kids in for sweets, not the ghastly murders that hit the press but other less serious offences that I still would be devasted if my child was subjected too. I don't care how many studies say that it's detrimental, these studies have probably been conducted by people who dont have kids of their own! I don't need to let my kids go roaming the streets for them to learn independence and have confidence.

You are absolutely entitled to assess your particular risk as you see fit. But the bolded statement above is not accurate. Many of the studies and books I have read came from educators and sociologists who not only have families of their own, but who have worked with children routinely over considerable careers. It was the trend of helicopter parenting and the subsequent shocking lack of self-sufficiency in young adults that prompted a lot of the sociological analysis and studies.
It may seem counter-intuitive, but allowing unstructured and relatively unmanaged/unsupervised time is developmentally necessary if children are going to become self-sufficient adults.
I am wondering if maybe this is partly how you may be interpreting this idea? It seems to me that you are taking this as "turn your kids loose on the streets". It is not. There are still plenty of checks and balances for their safety. And those checks and balances adjust according to area and level of risk. And of course, the maturity of the child has to be considered, as well.

This, to me, is the most important part. When Naimh goes out toplay I'm not sending her out for a bit of peace. I'm sending her out because I WILL NOT allow other people's actions dictate my child's life. It gives her what she needs. She is 3, to become the kind of adult I want her to be, she NEEDS social interaction, independence and confidence in herself and the world.

I know she is well watched by myself and my neighbors. And although I've only known them a couple of years, and I worry that horrible things may go on behind closed doors, or that they could be dangerous I won't allow the media to ruin Niamh's childhood. I'll just do all I can to prevent it.

 

[Abigailly]

My 3 year old plays out by herself. We are the end house in our cul-de-sac and from my hall and living room I can see the whole street. However she's only allowed to the end of the house next door but one to us. Where we drew a 'magic line' and is not allowed to cross it.

She's completely aware of the danger of strangers. KNows to never get into a car with anyone, even her friend's parents. She's not to go into anyone gardens or houses without telling me first and has an alarm on her watch that goes off every 10 minutes, at which she has to come check in with me. This is for her own use. To remind her that she constantly has to let me know where she is and gives her sense of freedom. She regularly goes into friend's gardens and houses to play. Just as we always have kids round at our. I can't remember the last time I just had Niamh for lunch, and if it's a sunny dayout they all set themselves up in our garden for a picnic.

It's a wonderful place for her to be in, she feels comfortable going and ringing a friend's bell and asking them to come out. I'm close to the other mums as we all got to know each other so we were comfortable with the kids being at each others house and it's turned Niamh into an incredibly confident. self assured child. Who is very worldly, is great at socializing, and has a great group of friends.

What Niamh doesn't know, is that when outside I sit on the stairs or sofa doing work so I can always see her, us parents have an agreement, if a child turns up at their house they call their mum. Whther the mum knows they're going or not. And the 4 houses she plays at I can see their back garden from one window or other.

She thinks she's completely independent though and that's the important thing.

This is an excellent example of slowly transitioning and building autonomy in a small child! Not to mention building a great community. Love it!

Thank you. I'm very lucky in this neighborhood. We've not known each other long as it's a new estate but they're a good bunch.

For example, the school kids, ages 5-11 walk to school (about half a mile) by 'themselves'. What that means is that they walk to school with their friends and the mums go for a walk trailing a bit behind them.

There's a balance within everything. You can give them independence with out abandoning them and you can protect them without mollycoddling them.

 

[Tasha]

That is so lovely but many of us don't live in those sorts of communities. The vast majority where I live are adults, no one knows each other and so feeling as if our children are safe is not possible in the ways that are described. My estate has over 700 homes on, I cant possibly know everyone. Just a few nights ago my husband had to help two policemen restrain two men as they were trying to assault the police officers after fighting and then causing criminal damage to our neighbours (who had nothing to do with them) car. That is what it like here, highly populated, high crime rate and awful drivers (am I selling it to you? ) and so as much as I wish could allow them more freedom, for us and many others, it just isn't possible.

 

[louandivy]

Wow I am actually so jealous of some of these responses - I'm a city girl through and through but the sense of community that some of you have described sounds amazing, I would love to have Ivy's little friends coming in and out the house all day! Unfortunately where I live I don't think anything like that will happen for a long time. I think it depends a lot on where you live tbh.

 

[tallybee]

It totally depends on where you are, an the environment

My two are 9 and 7, and they have freedom round the estate. They know where they are allowed to go and I can always find them fast.

ETA - we do have the setting where the kids pop into each others houses, there's often a bunch of them round here too which is fine by me

 

[stephx]

Totally agree with Abigailly, Alicecooper and Sarahkka

I grew up in a village and was playing out and walking to school alone at 4- had the entire run on the place, could visit whoever I wanted and go to my choice of parks or fields etc and honestly it was the most amazing time for me. Nothing like having a group of young friends completely independent and exploring.

By secondary school (age 11) I was traveling 20 miles to school via walking a mile, taking the bus THEN a 40 min train ride. On my own from day 1. After school I was in the centre of a large city, able to do exactly as I pleased. Most days I wouldn't even be back in my town till 8pm as I was always hanging out with someone or doing something.

While I would love to give Ava the same kind of freedom- we live on a dual carriageway so it's slightly difficult. I would like her to be playing on my street at 6/7 (behind the houses there is no road- just parking and then fields and allotments) there are 5 or 6 other kids her age on this street alone- so I know it will be nice for her. She is literally drilled on road safety everyday, tells me when we can cross on EVERY road, looks out for the green man, tells me if there is a car coming. I have not started on stranger danger as she is still the age where strangers do still coo at her, and I don't want to destroy that for her. But I will be before school starts.

For me, growing up with a 'helicopter parent' would have been detrimental for me as a person. As an adult I can see that I was miles miles more independent, mature and street smart than my friends that were dropped at school and wrapped in cotton wool. And tbh, if anything were going to happen (abduction etc) I think I would have stood a better chance up against it. Incidentally, these were also the kids that went friggin crazy at the first sight of independance- drug abuse, binge drinking, sex etc....

 

[stephx]

I just wanted to say I don't care where you live no place is 100% safe. Pedophiles, child murderers come from everywhere and are in every country. Most of the abductions here are from places that are actually very affluent.
I definitely would not base that on allowing your child to walk alone. JMO

I would guess that a child who has been given increasing amounts of independence and responsibility would be better equipped to deal with all the dangerous people out there than one who has not. They been given the room to develop the confidence and self-assertion in the absence of their protective adult that overprotected kids have not.
And again, statistically, these scary individuals are not hovering on every street corner. We perceive this as such, but the numbers do not support this perception. In many places, crime rates have gone down from a few decades ago.

I just couldn't agree more with this

 

[Andypanda6570]

I just wanted to say I don't care where you live no place is 100% safe. Pedophiles, child murderers come from everywhere and are in every country. Most of the abductions here are from places that are actually very affluent.
I definitely would not base that on allowing your child to walk alone. JMO

I would guess that a child who has been given increasing amounts of independence and responsibility would be better equipped to deal with all the dangerous people out there than one who has not. They been given the room to develop the confidence and self-assertion in the absence of their protective adult that overprotected kids have not.
And again, statistically, these scary individuals are not hovering on every street corner. We perceive this as such, but the numbers do not support this perception. In many places, crime rates have gone down from a few decades ago.

I just couldn't agree more with this

Yes given responsibility and independence, but the point is every child is different and reaches that point at not the same time. For me Anthony reached that at 12. I don't think and don't teach my 3 sons that scary individuals are everywhere , but statically most of these people are not strangers, they could be people living right there that you talk to everyday. Crimes rates have gone down in New York greatly, but not child abductions. I do not judge parents who feel their kids have reached a certain age for doing certain things, but to say they are not hovering closer than you think I feel is wrong, cause they are. I teach them the majority of people are good but some are not and you don't trust anyone but family members. The predators have gotten really good at ways and new techniques at luring kids and some kids are as old as 16 so I just think you can never be careful We all teach them the best we can and pray that god forbid they ever do run into trouble they will use those teachings..

 

[littletobyj]

I agree with Abigailly's perspectives, she seems very balanced and controlled in her approach. Granted my last statement was perhaps a slight reaction to what I felt was a bit of a preach/lecture. If you are in an area where levels of freedom are possible then great, I acknowledged this with Alicecooper.
What I don't like is being told that my style of parenting will have a detrimental effect on my child, it's not like I walk around with a leesh on my son! I was pointing out that weighing up the risks of allowing such freedom is part of responsible parenting and if I feel it's not safe for my child to play out then I will intervene. It doesn't mean I don't take steps to provide opportunities to develop his independence in other ways. Besides at this stage he is 4 and hasn't even started school yet, I believe he enjoys the comfort and safety of knowing someone is close by.

 

[Natsku]

I think its more excessive helicopter parenting that is detrimental. Not letting a 4 year old play out by themselves or walk to school by themselves isn't a big deal but it would get detrimental if the child was a lot older and had never learnt how to take care of themselves (say 12/13 and can't manage/isn't allowed to walk a mile by themselves)

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Im still in the minority as we live in a tiny close knit rural village but still dont like the idea.

 

[sparkle_1979]

Same here midnight fairy we are very close village. Just because young children are walked to other childrens house and left to play doesn't mean their not learning responsibility. You get guys on quads zooming past, cars flying through the village. It's ok to teach road safety but kids get distracted. That's without all the other risks.

 

[Abigailly]

That is so lovely but many of us don't live in those sorts of communities. The vast majority where I live are adults, no one knows each other and so feeling as if our children are safe is not possible in the ways that are described. My estate has over 700 homes on, I cant possibly know everyone. Just a few nights ago my husband had to help two policemen restrain two men as they were trying to assault the police officers after fighting and then causing criminal damage to our neighbours (who had nothing to do with them) car. That is what it like here, highly populated, high crime rate and awful drivers (am I selling it to you? ) and so as much as I wish could allow them more freedom, for us and many others, it just isn't possible.

I'm not trying to pick on you here, I'm just replying with my experiences, as I know I am very lucky and very few others have this.

But I've not described a rural village. We also live on a HUGE estate on the edge of an ex mining town. Our estate is forever growing as houses are popping up everywhere. The houses on our are between 2 and 4 years old so I don't know the poepl on it very well.

We live at the end of the street and I have made an incredibly conscious effort to get to know people here. We put on a summer BBQ for our street, on Christmas eve we all gather at someone house (about 30 of us) and have a drink and last year did a kids secret Santa, in April we hired a bus and all went to the Zoo. We're just a regular suburban street, on a large new estate. But me and 2 other women went to a big effort to develop a community so we felt safe.

We made our own traffic calming signs, we know of a drug dealer on our street as there was a raid there a few weeks ago, we live in an area (not our estate as our estate is a commuting place for people going to Edinburgh and Glasgow) but our actual town is small, but has an incredibly high drug crime rate as it's ex mining and there are very few prospects here now.

But an area is only what you make of it. I know I'm lucky that we were able to establish this. But the point is, it was us. If I hadn't made an effort to get to know my neighbors Niamh would never be out playing. I wouldn't let her out with people I didn't know. I wouldn't let her out without knowing there was always someone watching her.

But there are so many variables that we can control that I refuse to let the ones I can't ruin her childhood. Perhaps not ruin it, but limit it.

 

[Abigailly]

Sorry, I just read that back and realized I sounded like I was making a presidential speech!

It's just someone I'm so passionate about. Coming from a hamlet with 30 houses I discovered that not everywhere has the community I was brought up in so decided to create my own in the middle of an estate!

 

[Tasha]

I am so glad you have been able to do that but it is not something that is possible for me to do. I have social anxiety, so there is no way I could organise that. I know of at least four drug dealers on this estate, there are possibly more, there are many crimes committed on here, to the point that the warden is called out almost daily. Not just the crime stuff but the traffic too (as I explained earlier we are right by a motorway), we have traffic calming signs, they are ignored.

I do understand what you are saying, because I lived on an estate growing up and we were allowed some freedom. My parents still live in that area now and I am happy for my little boy to go to what he calls the football cage alone. The girls sometimes play out on the green in front of the house alone (Kaysie Blossom goes with Naomi-Mae though) and sometimes Naomi-Mae will pop to the play park (it is out of view but only four or five minutes walk away). I allow that to happen because it is very much a sort of community feel and I feel as if my children can make wise and safe choices given the environment they are in.

This is not about me being over-protective but about me weighing up pro's and con's for the situation they would be placed in, if I were to let them go out alone.

 

[alicecooper]

Okay I think we can all agree on different people weighing things up differently, and making appropriate decisions for their own children based on the streets / area they live in, the level of understanding of the children themselves, and generally just the gut instinct of the parent.

For some of us, that means allowing them to play out. For others, it means waiting until they are significantly older.

There's no right or wrong here as everybodys circumstances differ.

 

[Natsku]

There's drug dealers living in the apartment below me but thats not going to stop me letting Maria play outside or walk by herself. I see it as a non-issue. It will stop me letting her play in their apartment though (they have a little girl Maria's age)

 

[Tasha]

Alice, totally agree. It is an individual thing and what is right for one family, isn't always right for another.

Yeah it wouldn't me either Nats, we had a couple on the estate I grew up in, but as some of it takes place in the play park and then some people leave their needles lying about, it really isnt a black and white answer for us. Thankfully we are moving out of London in the next few months, to a nice, safer, less busy (traffic wise) and less speed, area.