What do you do when your partner just isn't on the same page?

[mia_leacey]

I don't know if this is the right place to ask this question.

I thought I was WTT but my DH just really does not want another.

How do you come to terms with that?

 

[MissN8]

I don't have kids yet but wtt #1 and oh wasn't on same page for ages. I had to wait on him being ready and whilst its been so hard I am glad I waited because I didn't want him to resent me and at end of year we can enjoy ttc. What are his reasons for not wanting another? Maybe he just needs mire time until your LO is older? Would you perhaps bring it up in a years time?

 

[mia_leacey]

Hi, thanks for your reply.
I agree with you - I absolutely don't want to ttc unless he is in full agreement.
His reasons are that his Mum is ill and he has to care for her a lot and which makes our lives hard work.
And also he went through quite bad PND after our LO was born and doesn't feel that he can face going through that again.
I'm starting to wonder if he should just go and get the snip or something as then this limbo will stop. I have wanted another ever since we had our son and I keep waiting a few months and seeing if things have changed and they never have. I'm 37 - I can't wait for ever!
I absolutely want to support him. Just how do you turn off that emotional ache and longing for a baby?

 

[ask86]

I really don't mean to sound harsh with this but I feel that realistically, one of you is going to end up resentful of the other... If you feel in your heart that you need another baby to complete your family and he feels that he cannot give you that - well I'm sorry but somebody has to compromise and from my experience (I worked with several patients in these situations) it doesn't end well... Are you willing to give up the chance of ever having another if he gets a vasectomy? Or is it going to eat at you everytime you see a double stroller?!

 

[mia_leacey]

No it doesn't sound harsh. And I think it is going to be me who is disappointed.
But if you have worked with people in this situation do you have any advice for women who have accepted that they won't have any more children despite wanting them?
I just wondered if there might be someone in a WTT forum who got it? Wanting but not having a baby.

 

[MissN8]

I think you definitely need to have another conversation or perhaps give him more time sounds like he has been through a lot.

 

[mia_leacey]

Yes. My question was not in anyway meant to be about how I could persuade him to change his mind.
I just wondered if anyone had any advice for coming to terms with not having another. Or if anyone was in the same position.

 

[mia_leacey]

Do you know what? I don't think I'm explaining myself very well here
My DH has very genuine reasons for not wanting #2 and I respect those reasons.
Am I a horrible person because I can't stop thinking about having #2? I don't want to burden him with these thoughts. Heck, I don't even want to be having them.
I'm sorry if I've placed this thread in the wrong forum. I'm sorry if I've not explained myself properly and if I come across as sounding petulant. Genuine thanks to those who have replied. I'm just struggling to process my emotions a little.

 

[MissN8]

Don't apologise for feeling like you do. Can you perhaps enjoy and plan things with your LO and husband to help?

 

[wtbmummy]

Hi,
Firstly don't feel bad for your feelings. You can't help them I'm not in the same position as yourself as dh is ready to ttc. In fact I'm the one holding it off as I dont want another winter baby. Well I say that, but everytime I get another step closer to our ttc date I panic again.
I'm going to try and explain how it is for me n quite possibly ur dh.
I didnt know I wanted another baby until a scare after missing my depo injection. I only wanted one, then whilst pregnant I got depression which turned into pnd after ds was born. I tried to cope myself but ended up on tablets to help. I weaned myself off them after we spoke about the scare to clear my body. However I still have more "down" days than most people and get very short n snappy with ds on those days (only ds too poor boy) I have this longing now for another baby but I keep panicing. What if ds doesnt cope, what if my pnd comes back and worse this time! How could i ever overcome that. The wanting and longing for myself are strong but my fears are what i focus on due to my anxiety (i had never had that before ds was born n its awful) and fear of depression spiralling.
We have now said that we will most likely be ntnp from our ttc date as this way it will be down to fate and not my worries that will decide if we have another.
Afterall what will be, will be

It might be worth having a real heart to heart with your dh. I know its hard to find the time with everything thats going on for you right now but you might find its worth it.
Tbh i am still not decided and we are supose to be ttc from july

 

[ProudArmyWife]

Hi Hun,
I think we are somewhat in the same boat. I desperately want a third baby. Not right his minute but in the future but DH is very against it right now. I try my hardest not to get my feelings hurt by his complete rejection of my desire to have another child but it's really hard sometimes. I keep thinking if he has enough time maybe he will change his mind when we are both done with our degrees and what not. I really empathize with you. It's a hard situation to be in.

 

[Flip flop]

I know how it is as its happening to me too. But instead of being understanding like u are I've gone a bit mental over it trying to force him into it. I realise now that was wrong and if anything I've made him want it even less and possibly ruined our relationship.

I don't have ant answers I'm afraid just thought I'd share that with you.