What next?

[Flip flop]

Ok so I've posted a few threads on here already about how we were ttc (since may) and then DH changed his mind (in October). I was gutted Now I'm constantly thinking of ways to change it back. At first I agreed to leave things a while as he said the reason was stress and he didn't like his job, he said he was going to try and find a new job. He has made no effort to find a new job and now I'm really struggling with the wait.

We already have a son who is 2 and I never wanted a massive age gap. I don't think all this waiting is getting us anywhere so I'm wanting to go back to asking him more directly again. Last time he accused me of being pushing and blackmailing him as I said I need to have another no matter what it took.

I've been slowly introducing the subject again using a a softer approach but I just want him to agree! I feel the longer it is the more time passes and he wants it even less.

What next?

 

[stellababy]

this is probably not going to be a popular answer, but could you "have an accident" and just get pregnant?
then your hubby will have the motivation he needs to find another job over the next 9 months?

sounds like your heart is really into having another one, good luck hun

 

[stellababy]

my hubby doesn't even know we are WTT- its just something I decided it seems to me like this is ultimately a woman's choice how many kids to have as we are doing a lion's share of the taking care of these kids...

he is also been talking about looking for a new job over the last year, and I am trying to "gently" motivate him to at least go on some interviews.

 

[Flip flop]

Even if I wanted to accidentally do it (which I don't) I couldn't because he pulls out each time.

I want it so much I think I'm going to lay it on strong over the next few days as I can't hold back anymore.

I've tried encouraging him to find a new job but he doesn't do anything about it so no point.

 

[Angel_blues]

Start writing in a journal every night. "Carelessly" leaving it in places where he could potentially go and read it without you catching him. Tell him you need to put things on paper to make yourself feel better. He will read it, it's in man's nature... Maybe crying on paper will make him realise just what he is doing to you without having to hear or see you actually cry...

 

[MummyKP]

Ask DH if you can have a chat about it on a certain day (you could say next Thursday can we have a chat about a baby) so he knows to prepare himself for then and think about what he wants. When it comes to it just say you don't want to push him into it but you want him to consider how you feel as well. This worked for me - DH was adamant no babies just yet and I turned around and said he's only considering his own feelings by saying that, not mine as well. So because of his selfishness I'm having to spend more time hurting because how much I want a baby. Just go down the route that it could take longer than first month etc and you don't want q bg age gap between your son and next baby. I put so much emphasis on how I felt about it which I genuinely think helped for me because it made him realise he was being a little selfish. We're now trying

 

[Kirsty3051]

this is probably not going to be a popular answer, but could you "have an accident" and just get pregnant?
then your hubby will have the motivation he needs to find another job over the next 9 months?

Please don't take this advice It sounds like your husband is wanting to ensure a secure future for his family before trying for another baby. Imagine if the roles were reversed and he purposely got you pregnant, knowing it's not what you wanted.

 

[Flip flop]

Now I'm feeling selfish about the whole thing, I asked my brother to have words with him and he said he'll try but
Maybe I should just wait until
He's into the idea more instead of forcing it. This is what I've been trying to do but I can't! I just don't see what we are waiting for and it's so hard. I'll be 33 next year so time isn't exactly on my side.

I could arrange a date for a chat about it but then we'll probably both get really nervous before hand, it's an idea though. He's just been so tired and grumpy lately I never want to bring it up, that's why I've been sending him texts etc over the holiday period as he's been slightly
More chilled out.

I don't think he would read a journal if I left one lying around, I've already written him a heart felt letter about it.

And no I won't trick him into it don't worry.

 

[Kirsty3051]

You're not selfish at all. You're entitled to feel however you want to feel. Do you think he might not want another one? That's not how it's coming across from your post, just a thought I had. My husband was ready for children a long time before I was so I do understand some of what your partner could be feeling.

 

[tinkerbelle93]

I agree not to stage an accidental pregnancy... completely goes against the trust that should be in a healthy relationship. I can understand it's a hard situation though, me and my DH have had disagreements before about when to start TTC. I was and am really focussed on the age gap and wanting my DS to have a sibling who is not too far apart in age. I think that the best way to go about it would be to have a sit-down chat and discuss the pros and cons of waiting or TTC soon.. maybe write a list down with all the reasons you want to start now so he can consider them properly. x

 

[Flip flop]

You're not selfish at all. You're entitled to feel however you want to feel. Do you think he might not want another one? That's not how it's coming across from your post, just a thought I had. My husband was ready for children a long time before I was so I do understand some of what your partner could be feeling.

You are right he has said before that he thinks he doesn't want another one, I managed to get him to agree that we would one day just not there and then. This is what makes me think he's never going to come back to me and say he's ready.

 

[Kirsty3051]

He could be stuck between the two choices. We sat down and made a pros and cons list. It took me a couple of weeks to think about it all properly and then we set our date to start trying.

Just an idea. It worked for me, it might help your partner too x

 

[Flip flop]

He could be stuck between the two choices. We sat down and made a pros and cons list. It took me a couple of weeks to think about it all properly and then we set our date to start trying.

Just an idea. It worked for me, it might help your partner too x

I'm Worried about doing that incase the cons list ends up way longer than the pros and convinces him against it. How did it end up persuading you?

 

[Kirsty3051]

Seeing it noted down made it real for me. I was just thinking of all the cons before we made our list and spoke about things properly x

 

[Flip flop]

Ok maybe we could do the pros and cons list. I also think I need to sit down with him and think of a way to help me with my feelings because at the moment I'm all over the place. Maybe I'll say if he hasn't had a sudden miracle breakthrough and decided he wants a baby in the next ...(will decide time frame, maybe a year)....then we go ahead anyway. Do you think that's fair.

 

[Angel_blues]

I think that would be added pressure to be honest...

Almost feels like your saying if he doesn't feel ready in a (time frame), you're just going to ignore his feelings and do it anyways.

My OH keeps everything bottled up, it takes a few conversations for him to FINALLY tell me what's really going on in his head. Generally speaking I have to look him in the eyes tell him what ever it is I want to help even if it just means listening to what's going on with him then letting him deal with it on his own. I tell him I care and I'm worried for him. No matter what I'm there to support him.

Basically all the things I want to hear from him when I'm upset, worried or stressed about something!

 

[Angel_blues]

You'd be surprised how well men's tactics for women work on them lol

 

[Flip flop]

I think that would be added pressure to be honest...

Almost feels like your saying if he doesn't feel ready in a (time frame), you're just going to ignore his feelings and do it anyways.

My OH keeps everything bottled up, it takes a few conversations for him to FINALLY tell me what's really going on in his head. Generally speaking I have to look him in the eyes tell him what ever it is I want to help even if it just means listening to what's going on with him then letting him deal with it on his own. I tell him I care and I'm worried for him. No matter what I'm there to support him.

Basically all the things I want to hear from him when I'm upset, worried or stressed about something!

Yeah your probably right. Maybe I'll just ask him to help me think of a way to make this wait easier for me. Maybe he'll suggest something beneficial.

 

[Kirsty3051]

Just see how things go with your chat. My husband needed a rough date for us to start trying for #2, and I gave it to him. He hasn't mentioned it since so it must be helping x

 

[Flip flop]

A rough date would help, I already asked him when he thought he might want to try and he just said he's no idea. I don't think he'll he'll say he's ready without a bit if persuasion.