What not to say:

[BunnyN]

So sorry about your loss Stephie. Its true that instead of just being supportive people get awkward and dont know how to deal with it. I think most of the time they would like to say the right thing they just dont know how. I have had friends that had MC in the past and now I think about what I should have said to them.

Telling you that you will forget about it isnt helpful at all. Its true that it gets much less painful with time but you will never forget. You dont want to forget, its your baby and should be remembered.

 

[lesondemavie]

I hesitate to write this as I've had so much amazing support in my life and here since my loss. I want to preface this by saying I appreciate anyone reaching out and being there even if they don't know what to say or end up saying something that isn't necessarily right for me. This is tough. I get that. A big thank you to all the brave souls who have stepped forward and let me know I am not alone. That above all is the most important thing.

Many people have told me that I am so strong. While I appreciate that they see strength in my response to our loss, this wasn't a choice and I really don't want to have to be strong. I'm a helper. I tend to try to be there for others even when I'm crumbling. I need people to tell me that it's okay to fall apart for a bit. That maybe there's a raw beauty in being vulnerable. That I can feel whatever it is I'm feeling and that I seem so strong but maybe I need to let down the walls a bit instead. Maybe it's odd to react that way to such a nice compliment, but the reaction is there all the same.

Some have also helped me to look forward to remember there's hope and that I probably will still be a mom one day. This is important, but it is also important for me to take some time to grieve the baby I had and lost. The next pregnancy will be wonderful, but it cannot replace the one I had. I also want to find that balance where this pregnancy doesn't overshadow the next. It's a tough struggle in my head. I'm not sure what you could say to honor that, but those are the thoughts I have when the next pregnancy is mentioned. Others have also said that it will happen for me when it's right...but this pregnancy was sooo right...sooo perfect. I don't want to think of this pregnancy and the baby that we lost as bad or wrong. Everything was so wonderful...just short lived. The next time will be perfect and right too (and hopefully healthier), but that already happened for me once...we made a baby...we met our gremlin...and it cannot be erased.

 

[skyesmom]

Lesondemavie, this is one of the most beautiful posts i've read on bnb.

I share everything you've written, and i wanna let you know, that YES there is so much raw beauty in being vulnerable. There is a whole new part of you to discover, accept and embrace. It is good to fall apart a bit, it helps you heal. It is like rebooting a computer. Somehow, when I allowed myself the luxury of this phase in my life, it truly helped me heal and grow. Being in that place was beyond hard, but taking time for myself and letting go of the urge/obligation to always be the fixer-helper was what made me heal and heal well in the end.

It took a full year before I allowed myself to have this break - and i discovered so much beauty in it. A tree doesn't fix its weak brittle branches by sprouting new leaves on them, it goes down underground and mends the roots first, so that the sap and water can flow. Otherwise, all that sun shining from above is useless or even harmful.

Maybe you don't need to wait for a whole year, though And the new, more complete you that will come out of it will be the best monument to honor your little baby.

 

[lesondemavie]

Thank you so much Skye . Your response is also incredibly beautiful. I'm trying my best to write out my feelings in my bnb ttc journal, and I've definitely had many long sobs on DH's shoulder. Not quite sure what else to do. Life keeps on moving forward and dragging me with it . I'm sure the tears will come and go for a long time to come.

 

[skyesmom]

Thank you so much Skye . Your response is also incredibly beautiful. I'm trying my best to write out my feelings in my bnb ttc journal, and I've definitely had many long sobs on DH's shoulder. Not quite sure what else to do. Life keeps on moving forward and dragging me with it . I'm sure the tears will come and go for a long time to come.

the tears will come and go, but even if it seems that it will drag on forever and that you will never heal, you will i promise. i don't mean to say that "time heals everything", it just that we allow ourselves to have some time to heal (it's not the time that heals you, it is you that allow your own heart to heal, and that takes time ). I'm glad to hear that your OH is by your side. take care of your lovely self like you are already doing now

 

[BunnyN]

I hesitate to write this as I've had so much amazing support in my life and here since my loss. I want to preface this by saying I appreciate anyone reaching out and being there even if they don't know what to say or end up saying something that isn't necessarily right for me. This is tough. I get that. A big thank you to all the brave souls who have stepped forward and let me know I am not alone. That above all is the most important thing.

Many people have told me that I am so strong. While I appreciate that they see strength in my response to our loss, this wasn't a choice and I really don't want to have to be strong. I'm a helper. I tend to try to be there for others even when I'm crumbling. I need people to tell me that it's okay to fall apart for a bit. That maybe there's a raw beauty in being vulnerable. That I can feel whatever it is I'm feeling and that I seem so strong but maybe I need to let down the walls a bit instead. Maybe it's odd to react that way to such a nice compliment, but the reaction is there all the same.

Some have also helped me to look forward to remember there's hope and that I probably will still be a mom one day. This is important, but it is also important for me to take some time to grieve the baby I had and lost. The next pregnancy will be wonderful, but it cannot replace the one I had. I also want to find that balance where this pregnancy doesn't overshadow the next. It's a tough struggle in my head. I'm not sure what you could say to honor that, but those are the thoughts I have when the next pregnancy is mentioned. Others have also said that it will happen for me when it's right...but this pregnancy was sooo right...sooo perfect. I don't want to think of this pregnancy and the baby that we lost as bad or wrong. Everything was so wonderful...just short lived. The next time will be perfect and right too (and hopefully healthier), but that already happened for me once...we made a baby...we met our gremlin...and it cannot be erased.

That is a lovely post. It captures how I have felt too.

 

[lesondemavie]

Ok I need to vent in a safe space a bit in the hopes that I don't hurt anyone's feelings. Here I am - cycle 5 ttc since my MMC. I've met some amazing women who sadly understand the pain of losing a first pregnancy. I would think that they would be the most sensitive about how hard ttc after a loss is, but I'm not always finding that to be true. Many of them fell pg again within 3 months, and it took just 1-3 months the first time too. I appreciate their support, but I cringe every time I see their bumps or BFPs as their profile photos or avatars. I'm also so tired of hearing how lucky I am to be having a fun fertile week bc they have barely had any sex since the BFP or how much I should enjoy that glass of wine or sushi dinner. Don't they know how much I wish I couldn't do any of those things anymore? Don't they know that I'm only trying to spice things up and keep fertile week fun bc I don't know how much longer we're going to have to keep on trying for what we had but lost? Don't they know that I feel like punching them in the face every time I see those photos? I was so incredibly happy for those 5 weeks of pregnancy. I didn't miss any of that then. I was going to be a mom and my heart was full of love and hope. So yea this is me vowing never to do or say those things if I am lucky enough to be pregnant again one day. It doesn't make me feel better at all, and I'm going to guess that it's maybe hard on a few others out there too.

 

[Sweetkat]

Ok I need to vent in a safe space a bit in the hopes that I don't hurt anyone's feelings. Here I am - cycle 5 ttc since my MMC. I've met some amazing women who sadly understand the pain of losing a first pregnancy. I would think that they would be the most sensitive about how hard ttc after a loss is, but I'm not always finding that to be true. Many of them fell pg again within 3 months, and it took just 1-3 months the first time too. I appreciate their support, but I cringe every time I see their bumps or BFPs as their profile photos or avatars. I'm also so tired of hearing how lucky I am to be having a fun fertile week bc they have barely had any sex since the BFP or how much I should enjoy that glass of wine or sushi dinner. Don't they know how much I wish I couldn't do any of those things anymore? Don't they know that I'm only trying to spice things up and keep fertile week fun bc I don't know how much longer we're going to have to keep on trying for what we had but lost? Don't they know that I feel like punching them in the face every time I see those photos? I was so incredibly happy for those 5 weeks of pregnancy. I didn't miss any of that then. I was going to be a mom and my heart was full of love and hope. So yea this is me vowing never to do or say those things if I am lucky enough to be pregnant again one day. It doesn't make me feel better at all, and I'm going to guess that it's maybe hard on a few others out there too.

They are just trying to make you feel better, but not in the right way. Also, just because they fall pregnant quickly doesn't mean anything. I fell pregnant first or second cycle with my DD and three MMCs .

What I mean is, pregnancy is a long and hard journey. I got to 8 weeks and 10 weeks with two of my MMCs and still ended up with a loss. Some of those ladies will also have issues, sadly. I just think we have to be kind to each other and not get offended.

Huge hugs, I hope you have a sticky bean soon.

 

[BunnyN]

I can sympathise. It took me 5 months to get pregnant again after our loss despite dtd at all the right times. In my case I had always gotten pregnant quicky before so, although I know 5 months is not that long in TTC terms, it felt like forever and I'm 36 so felt the pressure of age. All I wanted was to be pregnant again. I had a rough time during the MC and almost died from blood loss then was enemic for a while after so I think my body knew it needed a bit to recover. Emotionally I didn't feel the same way though, I just wanted to be pregnant yesterday! I knew it wouldnt take away from the loss of our baby but somehow it felt like things would be back to how they were supposed to be once I was pregnant again. I think I would have punched someone who told me to enjoy wine and susi, lol.

 

[madtowngirl]

Ok I need to vent in a safe space a bit in the hopes that I don't hurt anyone's feelings. Here I am - cycle 5 ttc since my MMC. I've met some amazing women who sadly understand the pain of losing a first pregnancy. I would think that they would be the most sensitive about how hard ttc after a loss is, but I'm not always finding that to be true. Many of them fell pg again within 3 months, and it took just 1-3 months the first time too. I appreciate their support, but I cringe every time I see their bumps or BFPs as their profile photos or avatars. I'm also so tired of hearing how lucky I am to be having a fun fertile week bc they have barely had any sex since the BFP or how much I should enjoy that glass of wine or sushi dinner. Don't they know how much I wish I couldn't do any of those things anymore? Don't they know that I'm only trying to spice things up and keep fertile week fun bc I don't know how much longer we're going to have to keep on trying for what we had but lost? Don't they know that I feel like punching them in the face every time I see those photos? I was so incredibly happy for those 5 weeks of pregnancy. I didn't miss any of that then. I was going to be a mom and my heart was full of love and hope. So yea this is me vowing never to do or say those things if I am lucky enough to be pregnant again one day. It doesn't make me feel better at all, and I'm going to guess that it's maybe hard on a few others out there too.

This happened to me, too. After my first MC, I buddied up with a great group of ladies for TTC support. They were great, but as they all started getting pregnant again, they didn't really know what to say to me. It took me a year and a half to conceive again, only to have another MC. It was really, really hard. Thankfully I found this board, and its vent threads, so I found people who"got" it.

I finally got my rainbow 3 months after my second MC. I hope yours is coming soon, too.

 

[chistiana]

I m not in the exact same position since I ve had my rainbow but can empathize...one of my very best friends got pg and for the whole duration of her pg she was moaning about how swollen her fingers were and how she couldn't sleep at night and that I cannot imagine how uncomfortable she is...seriously???i can't?? I ve lost 3 babies, had to stay with my feet over me pelvis for 5 months and it's horrid cause your fingers are swollen?????

 

[Gagrlinpitt]

So I'm not sure where I can out this and I'm hoping this is a safe place. My first ever bfp ended abruptly last Friday with a cp at almost 5 weeks. One of my co workers found out and asked me if I was really considered pregnant and if it was really a Mc because it was so early.. I was so mad that she had the audacity to ask that.

 

[BunnyN]

You can't get a BFP without being pregnant! So sorry for your loss. I had an early loss and one at 10 weeks. Physically the 10 week one was much harder (infact Ialmost died) but emotionally in many ways the early loss was just as bad or even worse. With my later loss although people still said some daft thing I had loads of sympathy and support. My chemical pregnancy felt so lonely like I was the only one grieving. Hugs

 

[Syeda]

I lost my baby at 9 weeks in 8/9/16(my 1st pregnancy) and constantly hearing this kind of comments like, 'it happened for better', even from my own sisters. But i don't blame them because none of them ever experience any miscarriage like me! I am the only unlucky one in my family. How people can say a mom who lost her baby that it happened for good! Losing a baby for a mum, is like a death sentence. But Alas! even the closest one keep hurting you by their comments. I am crying always when by myself because nobody understand my feelings even my husband! he thinks that i am overreacting!

 

[BunnyN]

So sorry for your loss. You are not over reacting. You lost a baby. I think its hard for other people to understand because they dont have the same conection early in pregnancy as a mother does. Most people have no idea what the physical part of a MC is like either.

Somehow people think that saying it was for the best helps yet they wouldn't say that to a mother who lost her 2 year old or a husband who lost his wife. The baby I lost was very much wanted and already loved. On the scan we saw a perfect little baby but with no heartbeat. Nothing about loosing our baby was for the best to me. Bad stuff happens but that doest make it for the best.

Hugs.

 

[Syeda]

Thanks for your reply dear! I am really sorry about your loss. Yes, I guess only the persons who have gone through the same conditions can understand others. I hope you have your offspring by now?

 

[BunnyN]

Thank you. We already are fortunate enough to have a boy and a girl. The oldest was only 2.5 at the time of the MC which often made people assume it was a mistake and we wouldn't have been able to cope. It was infact a planned pregnancy and although I am sure it would have been hard work we were looking forward to 3 little ones. Now I am 23 weeks pregnant again and excited to meet our LO in December. I sympathise with those who suffer MC before having other children. My 1st loss was very early but was before we had children which did make it harder in some ways.

 

[StillPraying]

I lost my son at 15 weeks. Some of the things people say are definitely insensitive but the worst was seeing the words "abortions:3" on my hospital discharge papers. I had three miscarriages. Not abortions. I LOST 3 babies, I didn't CHOOSE to!

 

[BunnyN]

Spontaneous abortion is the medical term for a MC. It does seem like they could use different terms for the two things though as they are so different and its quite upsetting for a MC to be called an abortion.

Sorry for your loss3s. Hugs.

 

[tcinks]

I lost my son at 15 weeks. Some of the things people say are definitely insensitive but the worst was seeing the words "abortions:3" on my hospital discharge papers. I had three miscarriages. Not abortions. I LOST 3 babies, I didn't CHOOSE to!

I hate this , too. I don't care if it is the official medical term. And what sucked with my first miscarriage is that the hospital named it an "unknown abortion" because they couldn't figure out why it happened. So my insurance company called me and said they wouldn't cover any of the bills because I had an abortion and they don't cover that. I had to call so many people to explain to them that I had a MISCARRIAGE and not an abortion! I was nearly in tears...it was hard enough the ordeal I went through, then for them to accuse me of having an abortion and telling me they wouldn't pay the thousands of $$$ of bills I had. Thankfully it got worked out.