What would you do? Advice needed

[HLx]

I need to ask for opinions on this as I cant talk to family as it is about family (sort of) I'll keep this sweet.

What would you do if you bend over backwards for someone else's kids birthday/christmas presents making a big effort but yet your child doesnt even recieve a birthday card, I'm not even talking about a present here... a birthday card that costs less than a pound these days? Knowing if you take it up with them they will say they've been caught up in something lately, yet attended another childs birthday party that same week, obviously bought them a card, but not my daughter that they see as their own family?

I would have just said sod it, fuck them in the nicest possible way, but for my 8 year old to notice she didn't even recieve a birthday card from them and made her question whether they even like her anymore, broke me, I'm not sleeping and I'm stewing over how to address this, I've spoken to my partner and he knows I'm upset about it, but as it regards someone on his side of the family, someone I was close with, well once upon a time by the sounds of it, he couldn't say much, he felt a bit embarrassed I think, but it's not his fault.

What would you do about this or address it? Do I do what I normally do, just ignore the matter and just not make an effort for their kids anymore, and prove a point or should I just be out right straight with them, which will probably cause I big argument because I dont do things small, i go all out if somethings bothering me

 

[Babybump87]

Ohh I can’t totally relate to your post ! I have the same issue, least amount of effort made possible but other kids in the family get spoilt rotten ! It’s so annoying!

Such a shame if your DD has noticed too that would annoy and upset me even more !
I just wouldn’t do for their kids anymore , I know that may feel sly on the kid but yours deserve the same level of respect and attention you give to other people’s kids.no excuse for it especially if they attended another kids party and like you said would have got a card and gift .

When it comes around to their kids birthday and they realise you haven’t bothered if they raise issue then say you didn’t bother Layla’s Birthday so I didn’t think we were doing them anymore . That’s it.

That’s what I do now , you don’t do for mine then I won’t do for yours !.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

My mom is like this. She will get my brothers kids all kinds of cards and gifts. Go to their stuff. Mine? Nope. Nothing. Same genders and ages but mine get nothing. My kids noticed but I tell the truth. It's just the way she is, has been and will be. Now at teens, they know not to expect anything.

 

[Babybump87]

My mom is like this. She will get my brothers kids all kinds of cards and gifts. Go to their stuff. Mine? Nope. Nothing. Same genders and ages but mine get nothing. My kids noticed but I tell the truth. It's just the way she is, has been and will be. Now at teens, they know not to expect anything.

How do you deal with her ? .

 

[HLx]

Thank you both so very much! Both very very helpful! My only problem is, if I dont buy her kids a card, my partner will as it's his nieces, and to save the drama because they are the only family he has around here, he will end up writing our names on the card anyway, I dont want to argue with my partner about it because it's not his fault, but when I mentioned it to him he literally didn't know what to say, I just thought it's so unfair, I've spent so much on the other kids, and layla didn't even recieve a card that costs next to nothing, layla didn't even get a happy birthday text or phone call from them, Instead, they commented on my Instagram and said happy birthday on there where layla cant even see it, I'm so done with it honestly I'm itching to message her and put it to her bluntly

 

[AngelUK]

HLx is that cause Layla is not your partner's kid and they feel she isn't part of their family? If so, doubly mean. I think I would ask your partner to say something as it then up to him to tell his family that she IS part of the family. Such a man thing not to though, isn't it.

 

[HLx]

HLx is that cause Layla is not your partner's kid and they feel she isn't part of their family? If so, doubly mean. I think I would ask your partner to say something as it then up to him to tell his family that she IS part of the family. Such a man thing not to though, isn't it.

I dont think so hun they've always bought the kids birthday and christmas presents before now, we all treat each other the same, and they *did* used to treat the kids as family and always made a fuss of them, not sure why its stopped all of a sudden?

 

[Scout]

If my child noticed, then I'd have to say something. I hate drama or confrontation, so I'd keep it nice (talking about myself here; not saying how you should handle it as you know best how to deal with your family), but I'd definitely let her know that dd was hurt and is now questioning whether they like her. Sorry this happened.

 

[noon_child]

I’d mention how my child was feeling but I’d leave aside everything about how much you spend on gifts or time you take for their children. After all you don’t do that to ensure gifts in return do you, you do it because it’s polite and makes children in your family happy. Stopping gifts for your nieces would be petty and passive aggressive; you’d be stooping to behaviour you find unacceptable in others.

Something along the lines of “I realise we all forget things and make mistakes, but there have been a few occasions now that my daughter has noticed and she has started to be upset thinking you don’t like her.” They may lie and give excuses but this isn’t about exposing them as frauds, it’s about getting them to realise a child’s feelings are hurt and change their behaviour in future. Don’t get drawn in to and argument comparing who does what for whom when. Accept their excuses and give them choices for the future - e.g “if you let me know you forgot I can lend you a card, I usually have spares”. Hopefully they will feel guilty enough it won’t happen again.

I assume these relatives aren’t affectionate or generous with their time or emotions either? These are surely better measures of whether someone likes you than cards or gifts, so encourage these traits if these relatives say they can’t afford it etc and encourage your daughter to recognise that not everyone can afford to give gifts and cards but if they are kind and generous of spirit then they do care about you.

 

[HLx]

I’d mention how my child was feeling but I’d leave aside everything about how much you spend on gifts or time you take for their children. After all you don’t do that to ensure gifts in return do you, you do it because it’s polite and makes children in your family happy. Stopping gifts for your nieces would be petty and passive aggressive; you’d be stooping to behaviour you find unacceptable in others.

Something along the lines of “I realise we all forget things and make mistakes, but there have been a few occasions now that my daughter has noticed and she has started to be upset thinking you don’t like her.” They may lie and give excuses but this isn’t about exposing them as frauds, it’s about getting them to realise a child’s feelings are hurt and change their behaviour in future. Don’t get drawn in to and argument comparing who does what for whom when. Accept their excuses and give them choices for the future - e.g “if you let me know you forgot I can lend you a card, I usually have spares”. Hopefully they will feel guilty enough it won’t happen again.

I assume these relatives aren’t affectionate or generous with their time or emotions either? These are surely better measures of whether someone likes you than cards or gifts, so encourage these traits if these relatives say they can’t afford it etc and encourage your daughter to recognise that not everyone can afford to give gifts and cards but if they are kind and generous of spirit then they do care about you.

Thanks for that, funny enough, up until recently, we've all been nothing but close, even though it's my partners family, we've all been so close, used to spend so much time together, always bought each other for birthdays and christmases ect, they even came to see my 3rd child (their nephew by blood) last week, all fine towards us, but no mention of laylas birthday, take the card out of the picture, didn't even ask if she had a nice day. I may sound petty about this, and usually I'd have said shove your card where the sun dont shine. The reason I wont be buying for the girls anymore is not because I wanted something in return for my child (however that would have been quite nice for my daughter, shes only 8) but because there was no effort what so ever when previous years there has been, if they cant make any effort then why should I do the same? If my partner wants to get his nieces presents that's up to him, but I'm not wasting my money on them anymore if they dont even have the decency to ask even how her day went. They can more than afford a little card, but it's fine I wont be doing it anymore and they will be the first ones to mention how I havent made an effort, and really, I've gone past giving a shit now, they do them, and I'll do me

 

[Babybump87]

I’m totally the same HLX don’t make the effort for my kids I won’t do for you or yours !

I don’t even care now ! If anyone has a problem they are yet to raise it with me! It’s not fair at the end of the day. .

 

[HLx]

I’m totally the same HLX don’t make the effort for my kids I won’t do for you or yours !

I don’t even care now ! If anyone has a problem they are yet to raise it with me! It’s not fair at the end of the day. .

Exactly hun, this is how I am with the situation right now!