I feel like... I've lost something. Had our 20 week scan yesterday, I wanted a girl, I thought, believed was CERTAIN it was a girl! Had a girlie name picked, girls bedding, literally could see myself and DH with our little princess... even during the scan i was convinced... but the lady doing the scan just quipped 'it's a wee boy' I was numb.
He was perfect, perfect size, moving all around but the rest of the scan was a blur, couldn't even thank the girl, followed hubby out of the hospital in a daze, got in the car and wept, howled! I just felt 'this can't be right' then when I saw the pain on DH's face I realised how bad I sounded!
Here we were leaving our big scan, having got the news that our, much longed for, baby was happy and healthy and here I was crying! Then the guilt hit! Here was this perfect wee baby kicking away and I was crying because in my eyes HE should have been a SHE!
I am the ultimate girlie girl, I have no idea how to parent a little boy, I have 2 brothers and one sister, of my brothers growing up one was a complete tearaway wee boy always up to mischief and the other was a complete zippy mummy's boy... they are the same now they are older... not helpful to me right now.
I know DH secretly wanted a little girl too and then I felt even WORSE knowing he was a little disappointed but I was behaving like a spoilt brat! Had it been a girl I would have been telling everyone running around buying stuff and celebrating... but I just felt numb, DH insisted on going for dinner as we had planned to celebrate but I couldn't pull myself together.
I feel awful, I feel disappointed, I feel guilty for feeling disappointed and I just cannot get past it. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this! All I hear is people saying how much you love your baby when it's born no matter what it's like... that just makes me feel worse... what if I don't love it? I'm all messed up. I was the most excited person in the world about having a baby, I've had a horrible pregnancy, hyperemesis and seizures and I still feel like crap... I had this terrible thought like 'I've gone through all this and I'm only halfway there and, this isn't right!!!'
I just had to get this out, I just hope someone out there can understand and no one is too judgemental... I couldn't feel any worse about myself. What do I do?
He was perfect, perfect size, moving all around but the rest of the scan was a blur, couldn't even thank the girl, followed hubby out of the hospital in a daze, got in the car and wept, howled! I just felt 'this can't be right' then when I saw the pain on DH's face I realised how bad I sounded!
Here we were leaving our big scan, having got the news that our, much longed for, baby was happy and healthy and here I was crying! Then the guilt hit! Here was this perfect wee baby kicking away and I was crying because in my eyes HE should have been a SHE!
I am the ultimate girlie girl, I have no idea how to parent a little boy, I have 2 brothers and one sister, of my brothers growing up one was a complete tearaway wee boy always up to mischief and the other was a complete zippy mummy's boy... they are the same now they are older... not helpful to me right now.
I know DH secretly wanted a little girl too and then I felt even WORSE knowing he was a little disappointed but I was behaving like a spoilt brat! Had it been a girl I would have been telling everyone running around buying stuff and celebrating... but I just felt numb, DH insisted on going for dinner as we had planned to celebrate but I couldn't pull myself together.
I feel awful, I feel disappointed, I feel guilty for feeling disappointed and I just cannot get past it. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this! All I hear is people saying how much you love your baby when it's born no matter what it's like... that just makes me feel worse... what if I don't love it? I'm all messed up. I was the most excited person in the world about having a baby, I've had a horrible pregnancy, hyperemesis and seizures and I still feel like crap... I had this terrible thought like 'I've gone through all this and I'm only halfway there and, this isn't right!!!'
I just had to get this out, I just hope someone out there can understand and no one is too judgemental... I couldn't feel any worse about myself. What do I do?