Would you let a newborn cry it out?

[cissyhope]

Iv not read the other posts but can guess what the answers would be....Please PLEASE dont leave your baby to cry,trust your instincts...

Have the confidence to stand up to your OH and MIL,even show them some research?

good luck xxx


Ps i never leave mine to cry now ,if i can help it (maybe few minutes if i cant get to either one or other) and they are 15month and a nearly 3 year old

 

[meli1981]

There is an exception to this, if youre getting stressed, its ok to put baby down and leave the room and let baby cry. Its better than going over the end trying to be the perfect mom, and doing damage to your baby. Its ok to take a breather sometimes, crying for a few min wont kill your baby.

 

[_jellybean_]

If when you tell him about the 4th trimester, he still wants baby to CIO, I would indeed question his ability as a father. I agree with pp....I would never let your MIL watch baby alone.

 

[080509]

Far too young, i've never done cio with my others either regardless of age

 

[lau86]

Personally no I wouldn't, my LO cried a bit from about 6 months as I knew he could self settle and was getting over stimulated.

 

[Pixie19]

No i wouldn't, i dont even let my 1 year old CIO. You cant spoil a baby by responding to its basic needs

 

[nevernormal]

I think questioning his ability as a father is a bit over the top... He may not completely agree with you OP even after you show him the stuff, but as long as he's not trying to force you to CIO with the baby (after all, it's the mom who does most of the responding anyway!), and won't keep trying to change it, and will support you in front of your MIL, then it's fine.

My DH is more of a proponent of CIO, but I think he's a very fit father. He just happens to be more tolerant of crying. Mothers are hardwired for their baby's cries to be irritating, for us to want to soothe them. Not that our husbands want their baby upset forever, but I just don't think that biologically a baby's cries have the same effect. I have to remember that a dad's parenting is important too, even if it's different than mine! When I finally stepped back and let my DH do his thing, yes, he does let our son cry more than I would, but when LO is really upset, DH DOES respond, he DOES try to comfort him, etc. Actually now that I think of it I'm not sure that DH really lets our son cry without responding, it's just that I tend to respond to even the little fusses & frustrations when LO isn't really upset as well, whereas DH tends to let LO fuss a bit and see if he can figure things out on his own.

Whatever. OP, you and your DH do need to have a united front in your parenting, and be able to support each other in the face of opposition from the in-laws. If you show him stuff and he's not completely on board, that doesn't mean he's not a fit parent, but I would say there are probably going to be other things in parenting that you guys will approach differently and at times you might have to support his approach instead (even if it's not what you would do). In this case, I think he should be supportive of not letting your baby CIO, even if he's not 100% convinced about it.

 

[_jellybean_]

I think questioning his ability as a father is a bit over the top... He may not completely agree with you OP even after you show him the stuff, but as long as he's not trying to force you to CIO with the baby (after all, it's the mom who does most of the responding anyway!), and won't keep trying to change it, and will support you in front of your MIL, then it's fine.

My DH is more of a proponent of CIO, but I think he's a very fit father. He just happens to be more tolerant of crying. Mothers are hardwired for their baby's cries to be irritating, for us to want to soothe them. Not that our husbands want their baby upset forever, but I just don't think that biologically a baby's cries have the same effect. I have to remember that a dad's parenting is important too, even if it's different than mine! When I finally stepped back and let my DH do his thing, yes, he does let our son cry more than I would, but when LO is really upset, DH DOES respond, he DOES try to comfort him, etc. Actually now that I think of it I'm not sure that DH really lets our son cry without responding, it's just that I tend to respond to even the little fusses & frustrations when LO isn't really upset as well, whereas DH tends to let LO fuss a bit and see if he can figure things out on his own.

Whatever. OP, you and your DH do need to have a united front in your parenting, and be able to support each other in the face of opposition from the in-laws. If you show him stuff and he's not completely on board, that doesn't mean he's not a fit parent, but I would say there are probably going to be other things in parenting that you guys will approach differently and at times you might have to support his approach instead (even if it's not what you would do). In this case, I think he should be supportive of not letting your baby CIO, even if he's not 100% convinced about it.

If my DH let my newborn cry...and wanted to let him CIO because he couldn't understand what newborns need, then I really would question his ability as a father.

I get though that some people do CIO...but it really should not be done that young.

 

[Haylee.]

I'm hoping someone here can give me advice on whether its ok to let a 1 month old cry without consoling them. When are they old enough to 'cry it out' on their own? It goes against everything I have heard or read but my husband & MIL say it is spoiling the baby and making the behavior worse. I always pick her up when she is crying and most of the time I can soothe her but she will start crying when I put her down. My husband wants me to stop doing this. Tonight we were having dinner with MIL and my little one was crying hysterically. After several minutes I was just about in tears so I got up and left to comfort her. Both husband & MIL were not happy.

I think part of my husband's opinion is based on the fact that I am up all night (literally every hour) with her because she cries as soon as she is put of the crib which is next to our bed. OH wants us to move her to her own room I'm exhausted beyond belief but I would rather sacrifice my sleep and sanity than cause any psychological damage to her. I would greatly appreciate any advice.

Thanks,
m2b

I know you've probably received enough replies but I thought I'd reply too as I went though exactly the same when my lo was the same age.

When I was in this situation I would simply walk out of the room with lo, even if it was to the bathroom and do my thing else where. I had no clue what I was doing as it was my first baby but instinct just told me you don't leave them to cry!

My best advice is you just do what you feel is right because it is for such a small amount of time that I can tell you, you won't regret it if you go against your hubs and mil decision. They will look back and understand that you were doing everything you could because you care so much.

Please just don't feel pressured! x

 

[Noodlebear]

At a month old there won't be any psychological damage so don't worry about that!!

This post made me really sad though, babies cry when they need something. They can't be selfish or manipulative and shouldn't be left to cry like that. The only time I ever leave my son fussing now is at bed time because I know he can self soothe, he's big enough to move himself into a comfortable position etc but a month old?! No way!

 

[aliss]

Well, like I said, I left my newborn (and that's 6 days, not 1 month) CIO because I was utterly desperate and decided to follow terrible advice from family. I'm not a bad mother. I wasn't doing good mothering at the time, that's for sure, but sometimes pressure from experienced parents makes you question your instincts (I sure as hell did not have time to use BnB with a baby crying 20 hours a day).

I'm a good mother, in fact after that, I never let him CIO even up to 2 years old (which is how long it took for him to learn to self-settle), but having moments of bad parenting happens in good parents. My DH felt the same way and he is a full 'cuddle it out' convert now, but we were inexperienced and desperate. We did what everyone else did long before internet forums - asked our parents. And that's what they told us.

 

[nevernormal]

I think questioning his ability as a father is a bit over the top... He may not completely agree with you OP even after you show him the stuff, but as long as he's not trying to force you to CIO with the baby (after all, it's the mom who does most of the responding anyway!), and won't keep trying to change it, and will support you in front of your MIL, then it's fine.

My DH is more of a proponent of CIO, but I think he's a very fit father. He just happens to be more tolerant of crying. Mothers are hardwired for their baby's cries to be irritating, for us to want to soothe them. Not that our husbands want their baby upset forever, but I just don't think that biologically a baby's cries have the same effect. I have to remember that a dad's parenting is important too, even if it's different than mine! When I finally stepped back and let my DH do his thing, yes, he does let our son cry more than I would, but when LO is really upset, DH DOES respond, he DOES try to comfort him, etc. Actually now that I think of it I'm not sure that DH really lets our son cry without responding, it's just that I tend to respond to even the little fusses & frustrations when LO isn't really upset as well, whereas DH tends to let LO fuss a bit and see if he can figure things out on his own.

Whatever. OP, you and your DH do need to have a united front in your parenting, and be able to support each other in the face of opposition from the in-laws. If you show him stuff and he's not completely on board, that doesn't mean he's not a fit parent, but I would say there are probably going to be other things in parenting that you guys will approach differently and at times you might have to support his approach instead (even if it's not what you would do). In this case, I think he should be supportive of not letting your baby CIO, even if he's not 100% convinced about it.

If my DH let my newborn cry...and wanted to let him CIO because he couldn't understand what newborns need, then I really would question his ability as a father.

I get though that some people do CIO...but it really should not be done that young.

A lot of people don't really get it, because they go by what they know from older family & friends who have done it before. New dad's don't "get" a lot about pregnancy and even having a newborn, especially if you're breastfeeding, because they really aren't going through nearly as many changes.

Like I said, just being pro-CIO isn't necessarily the issue for me, even at a young age. My DH is willing to let our son fuss more than I am. BUT both parents need to be united in what they do, regardless of what they think about it, and in this case I think her DH should follow her lead and be supportive of her tending to her LO (as my DH is with me/mine).

Also, a lot of people in general, but I've seen it more in men especially, have this attitude that "I was left to CIO, and I turned out okay, so it's a valid choice" mentality. I don't think that's good logic, when there's research saying otherwise, but you'll find this attitude in many aspects of parenting (even with contraindicating research), like formula feeding, early weaning, different discipline approaches, etc. I think it's a bit unfair to call a husband unfit when it's fairly natural to think back on the parenting experiences he knows of (his parents and possibly family/friends and how they parented) and see that in general, people turned out fine. As a family, and as a parenting unit, he should be respectful of the mom's opinion, especially as it's something she feels strongly about, but disagreement doesn't automatically make him a bad dad.

 

[MommyJogger]

I think questioning his ability as a father is a bit over the top... He may not completely agree with you OP even after you show him the stuff, but as long as he's not trying to force you to CIO with the baby (after all, it's the mom who does most of the responding anyway!), and won't keep trying to change it, and will support you in front of your MIL, then it's fine.

My DH is more of a proponent of CIO, but I think he's a very fit father. He just happens to be more tolerant of crying. Mothers are hardwired for their baby's cries to be irritating, for us to want to soothe them. Not that our husbands want their baby upset forever, but I just don't think that biologically a baby's cries have the same effect. I have to remember that a dad's parenting is important too, even if it's different than mine! When I finally stepped back and let my DH do his thing, yes, he does let our son cry more than I would, but when LO is really upset, DH DOES respond, he DOES try to comfort him, etc. Actually now that I think of it I'm not sure that DH really lets our son cry without responding, it's just that I tend to respond to even the little fusses & frustrations when LO isn't really upset as well, whereas DH tends to let LO fuss a bit and see if he can figure things out on his own.

Whatever. OP, you and your DH do need to have a united front in your parenting, and be able to support each other in the face of opposition from the in-laws. If you show him stuff and he's not completely on board, that doesn't mean he's not a fit parent, but I would say there are probably going to be other things in parenting that you guys will approach differently and at times you might have to support his approach instead (even if it's not what you would do). In this case, I think he should be supportive of not letting your baby CIO, even if he's not 100% convinced about it.

If my DH let my newborn cry...and wanted to let him CIO because he couldn't understand what newborns need, then I really would question his ability as a father.

I get though that some people do CIO...but it really should not be done that young.

A lot of people don't really get it, because they go by what they know from older family & friends who have done it before. New dad's don't "get" a lot about pregnancy and even having a newborn, especially if you're breastfeeding, because they really aren't going through nearly as many changes.

Like I said, just being pro-CIO isn't necessarily the issue for me, even at a young age. My DH is willing to let our son fuss more than I am. BUT both parents need to be united in what they do, regardless of what they think about it, and in this case I think her DH should follow her lead and be supportive of her tending to her LO (as my DH is with me/mine).

Also, a lot of people in general, but I've seen it more in men especially, have this attitude that "I was left to CIO, and I turned out okay, so it's a valid choice" mentality. I don't think that's good logic, when there's research saying otherwise, but you'll find this attitude in many aspects of parenting (even with contraindicating research), like formula feeding, early weaning, different discipline approaches, etc. I think it's a bit unfair to call a husband unfit when it's fairly natural to think back on the parenting experiences he knows of (his parents and possibly family/friends and how they parented) and see that in general, people turned out fine. As a family, and as a parenting unit, he should be respectful of the mom's opinion, especially as it's something she feels strongly about, but disagreement doesn't automatically make him a bad dad.

I think you guys maybe just define "good" and "bad" fathers differently. Some people define a good dad as someone who loves their kids and wants what's best for them. Others are more stringent in their definitions and also require that the father stay as up-to-date and informed as the mother. I think OP's husband certainly loves his child, but I also don't think he would be the right person at this moment in time to be left to care for the baby alone because he hasn't bothered to learn about infant care. I think it's just different interpretations of the phrase "bad dad". Frankly, I agree with both of you.
ETA: and I don't mean to offend anyone by saying I wouldn't leave the baby alone with this father. I say this as someone whose husband took a bit of time after the birth to figure out parenting.

 

[Katy Bug]

I have read that you cannot spoil a newborn. do please pick her up when she cries, babies need love and attention. I didn't let my son start crying it out until he was about 8 or 9 months old, when he needed a more strict night schedule. he now knows how to self settle, but anytime he cried when he was a newborn I picked him up and consoled him. my advice is to listen to your motherly instincts and ignore what your mother in law and the father say. this is your baby, not your mother in law's, and you have as much as say so as the father

 

[sequeena]

Well, like I said, I left my newborn (and that's 6 days, not 1 month) CIO because I was utterly desperate and decided to follow terrible advice from family. I'm not a bad mother. I wasn't doing good mothering at the time, that's for sure, but sometimes pressure from experienced parents makes you question your instincts (I sure as hell did not have time to use BnB with a baby crying 20 hours a day).

I'm a good mother, in fact after that, I never let him CIO even up to 2 years old (which is how long it took for him to learn to self-settle), but having moments of bad parenting happens in good parents. My DH felt the same way and he is a full 'cuddle it out' convert now, but we were inexperienced and desperate. We did what everyone else did long before internet forums - asked our parents. And that's what they told us.

A very level headed view First time parents especially can get so overwhelmed. You can read all the books in the world, get so much advice from people but when you are faced with the reality of a screaming newborn you can sometimes forget everything. I remember when T was 3 days old he screamed from 3am until 12pm. We did not have a clue what was up (looking back I now realise it was wind) and we tried everything. We didn't let him CIO but he still cried even with us holding him and it was so stressful

We are not perfect parents, any of us. We will make mistakes and we will learn from them.

Would I let a newborn CIO? Not unless I absolutely had to (I understand preemies have to CIO and Thomas had to CIO when he was having medical procedures like a lumbar puncture. You just can't avoid it). I don't judge those that do though as they're usually acting on misgiven advice or desperation.

 

[Bunnikins]

No i wouldnt. I always felt i was "pandering" to her every whim and the old "making a rod for my own back" thing... but I told myself, if she knows her needs are being met by her mum, she'll be more confident and less scared to be left to sleep, nap, lay etc. The only reason just leaving her crying might work is if she starts to think "theres no point crying cos no one is going to sort me out", and i find that sad

I think u need to go with your instincts as a mum.

 

[nevernormal]

I think you guys maybe just define "good" and "bad" fathers differently. Some people define a good dad as someone who loves their kids and wants what's best for them. Others are more stringent in their definitions and also require that the father stay as up-to-date and informed as the mother. I think OP's husband certainly loves his child, but I also don't think he would be the right person at this moment in time to be left to care for the baby alone because he hasn't bothered to learn about infant care. I think it's just different interpretations of the phrase "bad dad". Frankly, I agree with both of you.
ETA: and I don't mean to offend anyone by saying I wouldn't leave the baby alone with this father. I say this as someone whose husband took a bit of time after the birth to figure out parenting.

I guess that's why I was trying to push the fact that the OP and her husband have to be united in what they are actually going to DO, rather than what they are strongly convicted about. Hmmm... I guess another example would be, my DH wants our kids to be required to take at least a small bite of everything we serve as part of a meal, whether they like it or not. It's how he was raised. My siblings and I had more lax rules when we were at home. My DH's point is he wants our children to be able to eat things they are served without being rude, while I say that my siblings and I have achieved that well without being forced to eat things they don't like. Eventually, DH and I will have to come to a united front on this, as far as how we are actually going to approach it. More than likely we will find some sort of compromise, but either way at least one of us is going to have to do things not "our" way.

Even if the OPs husband isn't completely convinced that CIO is terrible, he has to be willing to unite with her in how they are actually going to approach the crying. My DH is more tolerant of our LO crying, but he knows it's important to me not to let him CIO and that we wouldn't even consider it until LO is older, and after trying other methods. I KNOW he doesn't feel the same way about CIO that I do, but we've also come to an agreement and I'm not afraid to leave my son with him for fear of DH just leaving him to cry. So no, he's not an unfit parent. He may not really care what the research says, he may not feel that he needs to stay up to date as he is the oldest of 5 (and 3 of his siblings are young enough that he remembers pretty much all of their raising), but he IS willing to work together WITH ME, to come up with a parenting philosophy that works for us and our family. There are some issues where we will probably never agree, or where our different approaches might be equally valid (in the CIO thing, I don't think before 6-8 months it's really a valid approach, but we know that's another topic altogether and everyone will differ on this, even whether it's valid ever), but I think part of being a fit parent is being willing to work with your partner and take into consideration their viewpoint & why, and being willing to try things their way even if you aren't fully convinced. And both parents should able to trust that the other will follow that approach on their own, and/or support it in the face of opposition from ILs and the like.

I don't know if I'm really getting my point across.... it makes sense in my head but I'm not sure that I'm really writing it coherently! I guess what I'm trying to get across that a "good dad" or a "good parent" isn't just loving your child and wanting what's best for the child, but loving their spouse, loving the family unit, and wanting to do what's best for the family as a whole. And sometimes, that might include doing things your partner's way, even if you aren't convinced that it's 100% necessary. I just think questioning someone's ability as a parent based on a disagreement (that still has the potential to be worked out, mind you, as the OP has yet to talk more with her DH) is a bit overboard.

 

[HanaK]

I personally wouldn't leave my newborn to cry but I know people who have and you know what? No adverse effects. I think everyone gets so caught up in parenting philosophy that they forget to be human; responding to your baby's needs is paramount, yes, but I don't think a slightly misinformed father and MIL are really going to have any adverse effects on this baby.

Whilst I do believe that the idea of a fourth trimester is helpful to parents of newborns, ultimately a lot of parents don't give it so much thought and inadvertently employ methods which sound shocking to those of us who do a lot of research. Will these people being up less balanced children? You know what, I highly doubt it.

 

[MommyJogger]

I personally wouldn't leave my newborn to cry but I know people who have and you know what? No adverse effects. I think everyone gets so caught up in parenting philosophy that they forget to be human; responding to your baby's needs is paramount, yes, but I don't think a slightly misinformed father and MIL are really going to have any adverse effects on this baby.

Whilst I do believe that the idea of a fourth trimester is helpful to parents of newborns, ultimately a lot of parents don't give it so much thought and inadvertently employ methods which sound shocking to those of us who do a lot of research. Will these people being up less balanced children? You know what, I highly doubt it.

I said I will not debate, but this tests me. You have zero evidence that it had no adverse effects and in fact, the research that is there does point to adverse effects. Saying stuff like that is misleading. Just because it doesn't immediately cripple the child in an obvious way doesn't mean it's not harmful.
I grew up with constant secondhand smoke for 18 straight years. They smoked inside the house with the windows closed, in the car with the windows up, in bed beside me at night, would speak directly into my face while smoking, thought it was funny to tease me about taking puffs, etc. I run marathons and ultramarathons now. Does that mean that since it has done me no obvious harm that it wasn't harmful? By your definition it does. See how your logic doesn't work?

 

[cat_reversing]

NO! baby needs you, it's only been in the world a month and needs to be close to you, you can't spoil baby at this age...it needs it's mum!!

I saw that the op feels reassured by the comments people have made and that's good, i'm glad it's given you strength to trust your instincts rather than listen to bad advice.