Would you let finances determine family size?

[JASMAK]

My family was poor growing up and they raised me to be non-materialistic and I'm kind of ashamed to say not having money was the worst part of my childhood.
I never got birthday parties like other kids in my class, didn't have nice clothes, never went on any school trips and when we went back to school and all the kids were sharing what they did over their summer holidays, I never had any cool things to share. When I got invited to birthday parties of other kids I didn't even bother asking my parents because I knew we couldn't afford a gift.
My parents were great and did the best that they could, but I'd never want that for my kids just because I wanted a lot of them because I know h much it sucks to be different.

Yeah, that was all the same for me too. I could def tell that we had nothing, and I would even lie to cover up some things. Like why we had no food etc.

 

[Naturalmystic]

I would love to have one maybe two more babies but I know that we will not be able to afford them if we want to send our kids to private schools and send them to extra curricular activities. I know this is not a necessity for kids but its just the standard we want for our kids so for now other kids are out of the question. Plus if I think practically two kids is perfect for us, I know that I will probably be very broody but its for the best, besides maybe I will win the lottery and we could afford more. lol

 

[KittyVentura]

My family was poor growing up and they raised me to be non-materialistic and I'm kind of ashamed to say not having money was the worst part of my childhood.
I never got birthday parties like other kids in my class, didn't have nice clothes, never went on any school trips and when we went back to school and all the kids were sharing what they did over their summer holidays, I never had any cool things to share. When I got invited to birthday parties of other kids I didn't even bother asking my parents because I knew we couldn't afford a gift.
My parents were great and did the best that they could, but I'd never want that for my kids just because I wanted a lot of them because I know h much it sucks to be different.

Yeah, that was all the same for me too. I could def tell that we had nothing, and I would even lie to cover up some things. Like why we had no food etc.

Yes this. We had NOTHING. Sadly we were also neglected and the little money my mum did get (from benefits) went on weed and drink mostly. I was severely bullied at school because I was the tramp kid. Heck, I'd probably have bullied me too. Literally trampy. I wet the bed til I was maybe 12ish, definitely in senior school. My mum never changed my sheets, nor had she taught us about personal hygiene or would step in to make us wash etc. So I'd go to school, stinking of piss, teeth coated in grime, hungry, hair matted and full of lice, in manky old clothes from charity shops that were NOT fashionable cuts etc. Never having the money to get a proper school branded jumper or bag etc. Never doing PE because I didn't have a PE kit. Dreading it raining because I'd have to tie a plastic bag over my shoe else my feet would get wet. Never going on school trips. Never going to parties, mostly because I wasn't invited. Even at junior school etc.

I learned about personal hygiene from the nasty words thrown at me and what people would say about me. Heck I even had second hand pants and we'd be told to turn them inside out the next day. Yes we, my little sister and I had to share. I'm painting a pretty picture right.

My point is, I KNOW that money wasn't why I had such a bad childhood. Why my stepmom wouldnt let me play with my step siblings until I'd bathed when I went to stay, why she'd not let us share drinks (I was too dirty). Why my Nan and Dad had special clothes that we'd wear at their houses, just there, because they were too ashamed of what Mum sent us in. But, I do link a lack of money, with the childhood I had. I therefore link having sufficient money as being a step further to making sure my own babies never have even a hint of the childhood I had.

I'd not want people to think I am materialistic. I'm not, just I came from nothing and I want to keep my children as far from that as I can. I want to give them everything and every experience I never had. For them but also I think as a small step to make it up to childhood me in some small way.

Yeah, that.

Also, I talk a lot on here on how my life is now and how happy I am with it etc. I'd hope this helps explain why. I'm never being false or fake or rubbing people's faces in things. I'm just so happy, and frankly shocked, that as miserable as my life was then is as amazing as it mostly is now. And having everyone see how shit my childhood was, well I like to share the good shit now too.

Also also. While I'm making this all about me. WHY did my Nan and Dad see what we were living like and never do a single thing to make things better or alert the authorities etc?

 

[Quackquack99]

My family was poor growing up and they raised me to be non-materialistic and I'm kind of ashamed to say not having money was the worst part of my childhood.
I never got birthday parties like other kids in my class, didn't have nice clothes, never went on any school trips and when we went back to school and all the kids were sharing what they did over their summer holidays, I never had any cool things to share. When I got invited to birthday parties of other kids I didn't even bother asking my parents because I knew we couldn't afford a gift.
My parents were great and did the best that they could, but I'd never want that for my kids just because I wanted a lot of them because I know h much it sucks to be different.

Yeah, that was all the same for me too. I could def tell that we had nothing, and I would even lie to cover up some things. Like why we had no food etc.

Yes this. We had NOTHING. Sadly we were also neglected and the little money my mum did get (from benefits) went on weed and drink mostly. I was severely bullied at school because I was the tramp kid. Heck, I'd probably have bullied me too. Literally trampy. I wet the bed til I was maybe 12ish, definitely in senior school. My mum never changed my sheets, nor had she taught us about personal hygiene or would step in to make us wash etc. So I'd go to school, stinking of piss, teeth coated in grime, hungry, hair matted and full of lice, in manky old clothes from charity shops that were NOT fashionable cuts etc. Never having the money to get a proper school branded jumper or bag etc. Never doing PE because I didn't have a PE kit. Dreading it raining because I'd have to tie a plastic bag over my shoe else my feet would get wet. Never going on school trips. Never going to parties, mostly because I wasn't invited. Even at junior school etc.

I learned about personal hygiene from the nasty words thrown at me and what people would say about me. Heck I even had second hand pants and we'd be told to turn them inside out the next day. Yes we, my little sister and I had to share. I'm painting a pretty picture right.

My point is, I KNOW that money wasn't why I had such a bad childhood. Why my stepmom wouldnt let me play with my step siblings until I'd bathed when I went to stay, why she'd not let us share drinks (I was too dirty). Why my Nan and Dad had special clothes that we'd wear at their houses, just there, because they were too ashamed of what Mum sent us in. But, I do link a lack of money, with the childhood I had. I therefore link having sufficient money as being a step further to making sure my own babies never have even a hint of the childhood I had.

I'd not want people to think I am materialistic. I'm not, just I came from nothing and I want to keep my children as far from that as I can. I want to give them everything and every experience I never had. For them but also I think as a small step to make it up to childhood me in some small way.

Yeah, that.

Also, I talk a lot on here on how my life is now and how happy I am with it etc. I'd hope this helps explain why. I'm never being false or fake or rubbing people's faces in things. I'm just so happy, and frankly shocked, that as miserable as my life was then is as amazing as it mostly is now. And having everyone see how shit my childhood was, well I like to share the good shit now too.

Also also. While I'm making this all about me. WHY did my Nan and Dad see what we were living like and never do a single thing to make things better or alert the authorities etc?

Reading that just brought a tear to my eye. Both my oh and I can relate to some of things you have written. And ofcourse it doesn't mean you want to materialistic but you want to stop your children going through what you did.

 

[OmarsMum]

I have a very strong opinion regarding this.

My uncle & his wife when killed 10 days back, she was 8 months pregnant when they were killed (I don't want to go through details)

They wanted a big family although they couldn't afford it. They had 4 kids (17, 15,10 & 5) & 2 angel girls.

They were living on min (US $ 200- 250 per month) without government support (no support where they lived). They left 4 kids with no support, my uncle was in debt, he was a taxi driver & he didn't even own the car. All what he had was a house. Now the house is rented to bring in some money for the kids & they are living with their grandmother who has 5 kids of her own

As we live abroad all what we can do is to support them financially. Sometimes I feel frustrated as my uncle didn't plan for his kids future. Now they have to wait for money & donations from family & strangers. The situation is heartbreaking.

 

[lhancock90]

My family was poor growing up and they raised me to be non-materialistic and I'm kind of ashamed to say not having money was the worst part of my childhood.
I never got birthday parties like other kids in my class, didn't have nice clothes, never went on any school trips and when we went back to school and all the kids were sharing what they did over their summer holidays, I never had any cool things to share. When I got invited to birthday parties of other kids I didn't even bother asking my parents because I knew we couldn't afford a gift.
My parents were great and did the best that they could, but I'd never want that for my kids just because I wanted a lot of them because I know h much it sucks to be different.

Yeah, that was all the same for me too. I could def tell that we had nothing, and I would even lie to cover up some things. Like why we had no food etc.

Yes this. We had NOTHING. Sadly we were also neglected and the little money my mum did get (from benefits) went on weed and drink mostly. I was severely bullied at school because I was the tramp kid. Heck, I'd probably have bullied me too. Literally trampy. I wet the bed til I was maybe 12ish, definitely in senior school. My mum never changed my sheets, nor had she taught us about personal hygiene or would step in to make us wash etc. So I'd go to school, stinking of piss, teeth coated in grime, hungry, hair matted and full of lice, in manky old clothes from charity shops that were NOT fashionable cuts etc. Never having the money to get a proper school branded jumper or bag etc. Never doing PE because I didn't have a PE kit. Dreading it raining because I'd have to tie a plastic bag over my shoe else my feet would get wet. Never going on school trips. Never going to parties, mostly because I wasn't invited. Even at junior school etc.

I learned about personal hygiene from the nasty words thrown at me and what people would say about me. Heck I even had second hand pants and we'd be told to turn them inside out the next day. Yes we, my little sister and I had to share. I'm painting a pretty picture right.

My point is, I KNOW that money wasn't why I had such a bad childhood. Why my stepmom wouldnt let me play with my step siblings until I'd bathed when I went to stay, why she'd not let us share drinks (I was too dirty). Why my Nan and Dad had special clothes that we'd wear at their houses, just there, because they were too ashamed of what Mum sent us in. But, I do link a lack of money, with the childhood I had. I therefore link having sufficient money as being a step further to making sure my own babies never have even a hint of the childhood I had.

I'd not want people to think I am materialistic. I'm not, just I came from nothing and I want to keep my children as far from that as I can. I want to give them everything and every experience I never had. For them but also I think as a small step to make it up to childhood me in some small way.

Yeah, that.

Also, I talk a lot on here on how my life is now and how happy I am with it etc. I'd hope this helps explain why. I'm never being false or fake or rubbing people's faces in things. I'm just so happy, and frankly shocked, that as miserable as my life was then is as amazing as it mostly is now. And having everyone see how shit my childhood was, well I like to share the good shit now too.

Also also. While I'm making this all about me. WHY did my Nan and Dad see what we were living like and never do a single thing to make things better or alert the authorities etc?

Kitty
Thats just awful.
Its so nice to see how successful and happy you are now.

 

[xemmax]

I have a very strong opinion regarding this.

My uncle & his wife when killed 10 days back, she was 8 months pregnant when they were killed (I don't want to go through details)

They wanted a big family although they couldn't afford it. They had 4 kids (17, 15,10 & 5) & 2 angel girls.

They were living on min (US $ 200- 250 per month) without government support (no support where they lived). They left 4 kids with no support, my uncle was in debt, he was a taxi driver & he didn't even own the car. All what he had was a house. Now the house is rented to bring in some money for the kids & they are living with their grandmother who has 5 kids of her own

As we live abroad all what we can do is to support them financially. Sometimes I feel frustrated as my uncle didn't plan for his kids future. Now they have to wait for money & donations from family & strangers. The situation is heartbreaking.

That is so sad - I'm so sorry for your loss those poor children x

 

[TennisGal]

OmarsMum, I am so very, very sorry for your loss - and sending you a massive hug.

Jemma, I don't know what to say...just very glad you got your happy ending

 

[KittyVentura]

My gosh Omarsmum, so sorry for your loss. What a heartbreaking situation. Sending love xx

 

[ttc_lolly]

I have a very strong opinion regarding this.

My uncle & his wife when killed 10 days back, she was 8 months pregnant when they were killed (I don't want to go through details)

They wanted a big family although they couldn't afford it. They had 4 kids (17, 15,10 & 5) & 2 angel girls.

They were living on min (US $ 200- 250 per month) without government support (no support where they lived). They left 4 kids with no support, my uncle was in debt, he was a taxi driver & he didn't even own the car. All what he had was a house. Now the house is rented to bring in some money for the kids & they are living with their grandmother who has 5 kids of her own

As we live abroad all what we can do is to support them financially. Sometimes I feel frustrated as my uncle didn't plan for his kids future. Now they have to wait for money & donations from family & strangers. The situation is heartbreaking.

This is so sad, I'm sorry for your loss

OP - I think having your finances in check is the most important thing to consider before having a baby. I am totally against supporting people who decide to TTC/purposely get pregnant whilst living off of benefits and not looking for work. I would love more than 2 children, but I know that financially that probably won't be an option for us, so I think it's totally unfair that we should have to financially support others who don't think the same as us for themselves.

 

[AirForceWife7]

I have a pretty basic opinion on this.

We do let our financial situation determine our family size because babies have so many necessities, many of which we would not be able to provide at this point in time. We have a very active 20 month old already!

I realize that there are resources out there, that we can buy gently used things, etc., but I personally want to buy my child the best things and give them what I did not have.

Some may consider this materialistic, but I promise I am not that way at all. Just want what's best.

 

[louandivy]

I suppose that although my dad rejected any money from my grandma so as a child we grew up without very much money at all - but I have seen what materialism and wealth does to people through watching the deterioration of all my dad's brothers and sisters! My mum made a lot of money through selling a property a few years ago and since my dad died she has been in a relationship with a very wealthy man, but I remember my mum being a lot happier when we were younger than she is now. I am currently in the process of trying to simplify my life as I think that is the key to a happy childhood. But of course I don't mean that I would have another baby if I couldn't afford basic necessities like food and house rent.

 

[marley2580]

I grew up with very little, all we had was each other. One year our christmas tree was a pine branch we had dragged home from the park and sellotaped to our wall! But, probably because my mum worked so hard for our memories to be good ones, I actually think it's made me grow up know what is important in life - family and people, not things. I would only let finances dictate my family size if we were literally on the breadline.

 

[PitaKat]

There were a couple times that my parents struggled to feed our family when I was young, but I didn't realize it till I was much older. They really strove to keep us from knowing/worrying about "grown-up" problems.

 

[vintage67]

The very simple answer is still yes and no. You don't need a lot of material wealth to raise children. You do need enough to provide the basic things however, and the love, creativity and ingenuity to come up with the "extras" that will add to their development and growth.

Continuing to have children that you cannot afford to properly provide for is irresponsible, and we should be more evolved than that. There is adequate access to both education and resources to time and space the birth of our children accordingly. And while we have social safety nets in place to help those who need it, continuing to suck at the teat of society's collective good will is not a positive thing for anyone.

So, yes, finances are a important part of planning your family, but no, you don't need to be able to provide a luxurious lifestyle to "deserve" to have a child.

 

[joshiesmum]

Im sticking with 2 because thats all we can afford. me and my dh both work full time and both my kids get everything they need and more. we go abroad twice a year aswell but if we had another baby we would be on a really tight budget. id love more babies but i also love our current lifestyle xxx

 

[Leids]

For me personally, yes it would. While money can't buy happiness, it can certainly cause you heaps amount of stress. I grew up poor, and I remember being really disappointed when I couldn't go on school trips, etc. My family never went on vacation. I never had any major aspirations of becoming successful because I knew my parents couldn't afford college tuition and didn't have any means to get me there.

Now, without all of that, I wouldn't be where I am today. I work REALLY hard, probably harder than most. I'm going for my doctorate degree and have put myself through college. I have a husband who has been successful in his profession, and an amazing son. I don't worry about money, and that's huge in my eyes.

I want to be able to afford the very best for my child, not to say that the very best will cost a lot though. I want to be able to send him to college, and I don't want him to worry about whether or not he'll be able to go a certain college because we don't make enough. I never want him to have to worry about money, whether he's a child or an adult, I always want to have it there for him. When I die, I would love to make sure him and his sibling (if we decide to have a second) to never have to worry about how they're going to retire.

It may sound selfish, but my parents made their financial issues very known, and I think that's part of why I feel this way. We hunted for a lot of our food and grew all of our own vegetables. That may sound odd, but they wouldn't have been able to afford to feed us otherwise. I know they did what they could, but I was always worried about whether or not I would have a place to sleep the next day.

I'll have a maximum of 2 children, because it's what I know I can afford and have money to spare for savings. I know I can put 2 children through college, whatever college they want, whatever path they take, whether it's grad school, med school, whatever. It's important to me for them to never have to worry about student loans.

I don't judge those who decide to have children who can't afford material items, or college, etc. But I do think that financial issues need to be hidden from their children. I do think it's wrong though when they can't provide basic necessities, afford clothes or food, things like that.

 

[Sarahkka]

For me personally, yes it would. While money can't buy happiness, it can certainly cause you heaps amount of stress. I grew up poor, and I remember being really disappointed when I couldn't go on school trips, etc. My family never went on vacation. I never had any major aspirations of becoming successful because I knew my parents couldn't afford college tuition and didn't have any means to get me there.

Now, without all of that, I wouldn't be where I am today. I work REALLY hard, probably harder than most. I'm going for my doctorate degree and have put myself through college. I have a husband who has been successful in his profession, and an amazing son. I don't worry about money, and that's huge in my eyes.

I want to be able to afford the very best for my child, not to say that the very best will cost a lot though. I want to be able to send him to college, and I don't want him to worry about whether or not he'll be able to go a certain college because we don't make enough. I never want him to have to worry about money, whether he's a child or an adult, I always want to have it there for him. When I die, I would love to make sure him and his sibling (if we decide to have a second) to never have to worry about how they're going to retire.

It may sound selfish, but my parents made their financial issues very known, and I think that's part of why I feel this way. We hunted for a lot of our food and grew all of our own vegetables. That may sound odd, but they wouldn't have been able to afford to feed us otherwise. I know they did what they could, but I was always worried about whether or not I would have a place to sleep the next day.

I'll have a maximum of 2 children, because it's what I know I can afford and have money to spare for savings. I know I can put 2 children through college, whatever college they want, whatever path they take, whether it's grad school, med school, whatever. It's important to me for them to never have to worry about student loans.

I don't judge those who decide to have children who can't afford material items, or college, etc. But I do think that financial issues need to be hidden from their children. I do think it's wrong though when they can't provide basic necessities, afford clothes or food, things like that.

While I totally respect your feelings about the insecurity of knowing about being able to afford things like higher education, I have to say that I do admire your parents for providing for you with hunting and farming. I'm not trying to romanticize it, but it shows a lot of skills and values to be able to find the necessities for your kids that way. I'm sure you are proud of them for that, but just wanted to say how much I respect people who put those skills to use when they need to. There's no shame in that - and quite a lot of pride, in my opinion! I could probably grow a meagre garden for my kids if things got dire, but we'd be screwed for game. I have lots of bush skills, but I'm not a hunter.

 

[vintage67]

Now that my son is 8, we have begun being quite honest with him about financial matters but I try to do so in a positive way; that is I want him to learn good thrifty habits that will serve him well whether he needs them out of necessity or just to thrifty.

I do understand what Leids is saying though. My husband grew up in terrible poverty, alcoholic parents, eating in soup kitchens and getting evicted several times. Very sad. We're just working class/lower middle class and part of that is because we have made the decision to be a one income family while our children are young. Things won't always be so tight when I go back to work. We really struggle at times, but I am hoping that it is worth it.

 

[Andypanda6570]

When we first got married I was already 4 months pregnant, we were both 20 years old. We could not afford much, but my husband worked 6 days a week and made about 600 dollars a week, which back then in 1991 was a lot. We had an apartment and paid rent, my dad did help us a lot with formula and diapers. When I was 23 I had my second son, still living there, same situation. I mean we got by we were not starving, I still had 2 babies and you just make it work, not sure how but we did. Now 21 years later and another son at age 30 we are way better off and my husband makes a six figure salary and yes we have more but i still think back to then and feel I miss those times, sometimes I miss the struggles , we all always were together and yea we couldn't have everything we wanted but we had enough. Now I am 42 married 22 years , got pregnant at 40 lost my little Ava and want to try again, but who knows if it will happen for me at 42. I never considered finances when we had our kids, like I say we just did it, i am not sure how. But now in this day and age i guess I would let my finances determine, things are way different now and way more expensive..