Gnomer
Expecting number 2!
- Joined
- Mar 3, 2011
- Messages
- 1,078
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First off. I don't have a clue how many times I have started to write this, been unable to express myself properly, and given up in a fit of frustration. Tonight though, I have promised myself that I will see it to the end.
I lurk here more than I should. I also don't post anything. Please bare with me whilst I try to explain to you ladies why. Please don't judge until I have got everything out.
Firstly. I owe you all a massive apology. I will explain my reasons, but first I need you to say how very sorry I am for reading and running. I know all you ask for is a hug, an acknowledgement, but I haven't done this. And for that, I cannot explain how sorry I am.
I owe you an explanation. And I will try my hardest now, whilst also telling my story. I hope I make sense.
Last year I was using the implanon contraception. I'd had this new one in a year or so, after previously having one in for 3 years. AF was severely messed up. I could bleed for 6 weeks, and then not bleed for half a year. The first three years the bleeding wasn't as bad.
I visited my doctor several times and he said it was just hormones, and to persist with it.
I don't want to ramble, so I will cut to it. After frequent visits to my doctor, I finally got a pregnancy test done. This came back positive, but my HGC level was low. I was sent for a scan. I can't remember much from this in all honesty. I pretty much went through it in a blur. The best way I can explain it is that I've just woken up from a dream, and although the emotions felt very real, I just cannot remember the details exactly. I can just recall snippets.
I've since tried working out dates and such, but with no success. I had a scan shortly after. I think maybe a week or two later? I can't remember.
I remember the room i was in for the scan. Very small, very dark. There wasn't much room for anything in there. I don't remember the face of the midwife there. I pretty much lay down and stared at the clock on the wall against the bed.
I don't remember seeing the screen, and I don't remember much of what the midwife said. I cannot remember the order of what she told me. I just know the fetus measured 16+5, but it had no heartbeat. I don't remember making a follow up appointment. I cannot even remember if what happened next happened on the same day or not.
I was booked in for a D&C, after being told my options. I just wanted the quickest method to end this. And was advised to have a D&C.
Then I was sat in this room. Watching a rubbish cookery program thing, on the 12th May 2010. I was given a tablet to soften my cervix, or something to that effect. And then there was this pain. So uncomfortable. I remember pacing around the room, unable to sit still. I could drink or eat before the general anesthetic. And I was so thirsty. And there was all this food and drink on tv. And this pain. This annoying, frustrating pain.
I had my D&C, and all went smoothly. I sat in my office, and shredded all the documents. Removing this massive burden. The only thing I kept was the hospital bracelet, with my name, DOB and that days date. I'd had my implanon replaced with another. And I pretended it never happened.
I never grieved. I told a very close friend, but refused to let her attend anything with me. I never cried. I never spoke about it again. I hid in my room during the day. Would let my friend take me out the occasional night. But I felt a strange detachment. My OH came back into my life a month later. I was still feeling this strange detachment, but he was my childhood sweetheart, and had always been someone I trusted completely.
Slowly I found myself enjoying life again, enjoying his company. Although he kind of knows the reason for my strange, completely un-me-like personality swap then, I have never, ever confided the total truth. I leave out most of the big details.
I know what a heartless bitch I am. And I know I do not deserve to tell my story here, where so very many of you come for support. I feel incredibly rude. And ashamed.
Now, my reason for reading this thread, and other loss threads. Bare with me please, I know this is going to sound insane.
I am currently 16+2 with a very planned LO. I am overjoyed. But I have this shadow. I've had it since we started TTC. I am blessed with good fertility it seems. After having my third implanon out on the 17th February, I was pregnant in under a month.
At first my shadow stated as a niggle. A feeling I couldn't kick. It grew and grew. I know it is my guilt. After blocking out the events of last May, suddenly I was thinking about it more and more. Where now its constantly on my mind. I started reading your stories. I needed to see how you ladies dealt with it. I needed to know what I did wrong. So very, very wrong.
I couldn't bring myself to post anything. I'd try, and then I'd get a new wave of guilt and shame, and embarrassment. Who am I to think i can comfort others, when I couldn't even grieve for my loss. I didn't deserve to help.
But now I am starting to understand. I even think I am starting to grieve. I'm dreaming about my baby. I don't know if its this LO growing inside me, or the one I ignored. Last night, for example, I dreamt about having a premature baby. So small. No longer than my hand, from head to his little tiny, tiny toes. I dreamt I carried it around in a blanket, and it grew and thrived. I woke with this huge feeling of love. Then I remembered my guilt.
I suppose this thread is made for my own needs. My own selfish need to tell my story, to help my guilt, and maybe even release a bit of my shame.
I hope you all understand I mean no harm. I haven't explained myself as much as I wanted to. And I fear I might have come across as wanting a pity party. I assure you, my intentions are good.
I lurk here more than I should. I also don't post anything. Please bare with me whilst I try to explain to you ladies why. Please don't judge until I have got everything out.
Firstly. I owe you all a massive apology. I will explain my reasons, but first I need you to say how very sorry I am for reading and running. I know all you ask for is a hug, an acknowledgement, but I haven't done this. And for that, I cannot explain how sorry I am.
I owe you an explanation. And I will try my hardest now, whilst also telling my story. I hope I make sense.
Last year I was using the implanon contraception. I'd had this new one in a year or so, after previously having one in for 3 years. AF was severely messed up. I could bleed for 6 weeks, and then not bleed for half a year. The first three years the bleeding wasn't as bad.
I visited my doctor several times and he said it was just hormones, and to persist with it.
I don't want to ramble, so I will cut to it. After frequent visits to my doctor, I finally got a pregnancy test done. This came back positive, but my HGC level was low. I was sent for a scan. I can't remember much from this in all honesty. I pretty much went through it in a blur. The best way I can explain it is that I've just woken up from a dream, and although the emotions felt very real, I just cannot remember the details exactly. I can just recall snippets.
I've since tried working out dates and such, but with no success. I had a scan shortly after. I think maybe a week or two later? I can't remember.
I remember the room i was in for the scan. Very small, very dark. There wasn't much room for anything in there. I don't remember the face of the midwife there. I pretty much lay down and stared at the clock on the wall against the bed.
I don't remember seeing the screen, and I don't remember much of what the midwife said. I cannot remember the order of what she told me. I just know the fetus measured 16+5, but it had no heartbeat. I don't remember making a follow up appointment. I cannot even remember if what happened next happened on the same day or not.
I was booked in for a D&C, after being told my options. I just wanted the quickest method to end this. And was advised to have a D&C.
Then I was sat in this room. Watching a rubbish cookery program thing, on the 12th May 2010. I was given a tablet to soften my cervix, or something to that effect. And then there was this pain. So uncomfortable. I remember pacing around the room, unable to sit still. I could drink or eat before the general anesthetic. And I was so thirsty. And there was all this food and drink on tv. And this pain. This annoying, frustrating pain.
I had my D&C, and all went smoothly. I sat in my office, and shredded all the documents. Removing this massive burden. The only thing I kept was the hospital bracelet, with my name, DOB and that days date. I'd had my implanon replaced with another. And I pretended it never happened.
I never grieved. I told a very close friend, but refused to let her attend anything with me. I never cried. I never spoke about it again. I hid in my room during the day. Would let my friend take me out the occasional night. But I felt a strange detachment. My OH came back into my life a month later. I was still feeling this strange detachment, but he was my childhood sweetheart, and had always been someone I trusted completely.
Slowly I found myself enjoying life again, enjoying his company. Although he kind of knows the reason for my strange, completely un-me-like personality swap then, I have never, ever confided the total truth. I leave out most of the big details.
I know what a heartless bitch I am. And I know I do not deserve to tell my story here, where so very many of you come for support. I feel incredibly rude. And ashamed.
Now, my reason for reading this thread, and other loss threads. Bare with me please, I know this is going to sound insane.
I am currently 16+2 with a very planned LO. I am overjoyed. But I have this shadow. I've had it since we started TTC. I am blessed with good fertility it seems. After having my third implanon out on the 17th February, I was pregnant in under a month.
At first my shadow stated as a niggle. A feeling I couldn't kick. It grew and grew. I know it is my guilt. After blocking out the events of last May, suddenly I was thinking about it more and more. Where now its constantly on my mind. I started reading your stories. I needed to see how you ladies dealt with it. I needed to know what I did wrong. So very, very wrong.
I couldn't bring myself to post anything. I'd try, and then I'd get a new wave of guilt and shame, and embarrassment. Who am I to think i can comfort others, when I couldn't even grieve for my loss. I didn't deserve to help.
But now I am starting to understand. I even think I am starting to grieve. I'm dreaming about my baby. I don't know if its this LO growing inside me, or the one I ignored. Last night, for example, I dreamt about having a premature baby. So small. No longer than my hand, from head to his little tiny, tiny toes. I dreamt I carried it around in a blanket, and it grew and thrived. I woke with this huge feeling of love. Then I remembered my guilt.
I suppose this thread is made for my own needs. My own selfish need to tell my story, to help my guilt, and maybe even release a bit of my shame.
I hope you all understand I mean no harm. I haven't explained myself as much as I wanted to. And I fear I might have come across as wanting a pity party. I assure you, my intentions are good.