Anyone TTC #1 and 30 or older?

[Fleur828815]

Kat, I live in a developing country and I’m amazed by the expensive things kids ask for and get here! ipads, latest cellphones, branded schoolbags ordered from abroad… For Christmas last year my cousins went totally overboard buying gifts for their kids, we counted about 100 gifts for 2 children (1 month old and 2.5 year old), not even kidding! They had lots of gadgets so our gifts (puzzles, books etc) looked rather pitiful lol. My sister keeps telling me not to buy them stuff because they won’t care anyway but I feel bad not getting them anything.

drjo, will you get the results on the same day? Keep us updated.

cutestuff, 7 months seems like forever when we’re trying so hard but doctors seem to think that 1-2 years of trying isn’t unusual so I guess you’re still in the norm, although that’s not of any comfort, I know. Valentine BFP sounds good!

Praying, so happy that the Clomid and progesterone did their job! No wonder your DH was surprised if you didn’t mention dates or anything this month, hehe. Let us know when you get your results back. My doctor said pregnancy is not an illness and normal physical activity is not a problem as long as you’re not out of breath or sky diving etc. Just see how much you feel up to, take it a bit slower and enjoy your trip!

Welcome ksquared, hope you’ve still got your chances for this cycle!

dede, I also hate the endless waiting… What did your boss say about your co-worker?

MissDoc, what you said about the quality of interaction is so interesting. I also believe it’s possible for children to thrive at home or in a daycare setting, it all depends on the set-up and the workers. I’m lucky to live in a country where a nanny is still affordable, so that would probably be my chosen option for the first couple of years, then maybe daycare part-time till proper kindergarten at 3 years old.

Hollyness, I agree, I don’t think I can make up my mind about working / being a stay-at-home mom till the baby is actually here! Part-time sounds like a good compromise right now, but I work for myself so can’t really do that.

ireadyermind, thumbs up to your MIL, so nice to be able to follow her dreams after so many years.

Kat, you always hear how progressive Scandinavian countries are when it comes to encouraging women to work AND have babies, with subsidized childcare, flexi-time, long maternity leave etc. but it doesn’t sound any better than elsewhere.

AFM : I'm symptom spotting for AF but there's no sign! I'm wondering if things could have changed since the miscarriage? I used to get sore boobs for 7-10 days before AF but I didn't get it between the D&C and my first AF. I went to get my legs waxed yesterday. It's usually painful just before AF because I'm much more sensitive but it didn't hurt so I'm guessing it won't come for at least a week. During my pregnancy also waxing really hurt so I can confirm I'm not miraculously pregnant without ovulating

 

[dede3124]

Kat- she had the baby and was supposed to come back in jan.

Fluer- I haven't talked my boss. Most likely we will just be short handed and/or they may not replace her. Grrr

Waiting is I think what makes us all so obsessed!

I giggled at the teacher talk. I am a special Ed teacher and the coworker I am complaining of is one of my assistants. That is part of my frustration, being short handed and having sudden changes is hard on students with special needs.

I completely understand her decision, I just wish she was being more timely with it, or willing to come back to work for even one week to help the transition.

Oh well, fingers crossed for BPF!!!!

 

[KatO79]

Kat- she had the baby and was supposed to come back in jan.

I giggled at the teacher talk. I am a special Ed teacher and the coworker I am complaining of is one of my assistants. That is part of my frustration, being short handed and having sudden changes is hard on students with special needs.

I completely understand her decision, I just wish she was being more timely with it, or willing to come back to work for even one week to help the transition.

Oh well, fingers crossed for BPF!!!!

Ok that's just not cool. She could've given you 2 months notice or something like that so you could reach to find someone else

Kat, I live in a developing country and I’m amazed by the expensive things kids ask for and get here! ipads, latest cellphones, branded schoolbags ordered from abroad… For Christmas last year my cousins went totally overboard buying gifts for their kids, we counted about 100 gifts for 2 children (1 month old and 2.5 year old), not even kidding! They had lots of gadgets so our gifts (puzzles, books etc) looked rather pitiful lol. My sister keeps telling me not to buy them stuff because they won’t care anyway but I feel bad not getting them anything.

Sounds like the same thing here. And the worst part is, parents actually buy all this stuff You can almost not refuse to buy these Things as your kid will otherwise be considered a freak and be an outsider. I remember this father that called a radio show here and asked if he should buy his 5-6 year old son a laptop because all the other kids had one and were playing games against each other on them and his son was the odd one out. He could afford it but felt it crazy to buy his son such an expensive "toy." The radio told him to do it So these parents are creating all this drama and teasing because they're incapable of saying no and are trying to lessen the guilt they have over chosing their careers over their children

I think my parents bought me like 20-30 gifts each year for Christmas before my dad lost his business due to Alzheimers. It was insane Thank goodness I turned out (reasonably) okay and am not a selfish brat

The kids don't appreciate the stuff anyway, they start taking it for granted. I know the bratty niece I have through marriage once said when her father told her to be careful with one of her toys that it didn't matter because she expected her parents would buy her a new one if it broke She was probably right. What are parents these days teaching their kids, seriously

Kat, you always hear how progressive Scandinavian countries are when it comes to encouraging women to work AND have babies, with subsidized childcare, flexi-time, long maternity leave etc. but it doesn’t sound any better than elsewhere.

They're not so progressive. I guess they like the image but don't really back it up with action. I was told by my job center that my Ukrainian last name was part of the problem but also that I was close to 30 and childless was a problem as the Companies were afraid of me getting pregnant a few months into the job. The "rule" here is not to get pregnant the 1st year of a new job but seems even if you abide by this rule, you risk getting fired anyway. They're careful of how they do it as it's illegal to fire someone for getting pregnant. But I guess they just avoid the problem by trying not to hire childless women in their fertile years

You're not allowed but my mother once suggested I write in my resumé that I don't want any children and then wait 2-3 years (so I got some experience and could find another job if they fired me) and get pregnant and just say I changed my mind. But that sounded like a risky move so I never did it

 

[drjo718]

Fleur- so many things change after a mc! I used to have terrible tailbone pain several days a week. It would even wake me up at night. After my mc, it was completely gone. That was in june, and it's just starting to come back in the last couple weeks.

I should get my progesterone results back sometime today. I'll let you all know! My opk was lighter this morning than it has been so we'll see.

 

[ireadyermind]

It's crazy what employers get away with! Ugh. Some of the things I've seen are right up there with firing a woman 'cause she got pregnant. I just don't understand how some people can do that with (seemingly) no remorse.

At least those of us in this forum seem to have our heads on straight.

 

[drjo718]

Well, its official. My progesterone was 2.7 today on CD24 so I didn't ovulate. I'll still use opks since that's the only way to know when to expect AF. I'm waiting on an appointment with the fertility specialist and I'll try clomid again while I'm waiting if I happen to have a cycle in the meantime.

 

[Fleur828815]

dede, hope your coworker’s leave won’t have too much impact on your workload and that they will replace her. My sister works with children with special needs so I know how important routine is for them.

Kat, it was my 1 year old niece’s birthday last month and her favourite thing was the wrapping paper. But yeah, it’s hard to resist buying things for your kids when “but mom, ALL OF MY FRIENDS have got X and Y”

It’s so crazy that employers only think of making maximum profit. Where do they think their future workers AND clients will come from if women can’t take some time off to have babies? My ex-boss used to sulk whenever a new pregnancy was announced, but what do you expect when 95% of your workforce is female and at least half of them are between 25 and 40? A friend’s employer just offered to send her for a one-month training abroad, but she has to agree not to fall pregnant for at least a year!!! She wasn’t planning to but how dare they? I would totally lie in job interviews if asked and say babies aren’t in my immediate plans.

ireadyermind, we do seem to have good heads on our shoulders and deserve babies just for that

 

[ireadyermind]

It’s so crazy that employers only think of making maximum profit. Where do they think their future workers AND clients will come from if women can’t take some time off to have babies? My ex-boss used to sulk whenever a new pregnancy was announced, but what do you expect when 95% of your workforce is female and at least half of them are between 25 and 40? A friend’s employer just offered to send her for a one-month training abroad, but she has to agree not to fall pregnant for at least a year!!! She wasn’t planning to but how dare they? I would totally lie in job interviews if asked and say babies aren’t in my immediate plans.

ireadyermind, we do seem to have good heads on our shoulders and deserve babies just for that

Psh! Right? Tell an employer that you aren't planning on having babies in the near future... Because people accidentally get pregnant all the time! You can plan not to all you like, but birth control fails, people make mistakes, and that stuff does happen. So maybe you didn't PLAN to have a baby, but -- oops! Now you're going to. Heh

I just lamented to my BFF that I didn't get my BFP this cycle. She keeps telling me that all I have to do is "relax" and that she doesn't know why I'm using BBT and charting CM and all of that, because "relax and it will happen".

She had two accidental pregnancies and I just don't think she understands how difficult it is for some people! She's one of those that thinks that having babies is simply a matter of not using birth control any more. I didn't want to snap at her about it, so I changed the subject to my upcoming vacation.

 

[Hollynesss]

I was denied a promotion last year because my boss overheard me saying I'm trying to get pregnant, and she didn't want to train me and then have me out for 3 months. I went to HR about it since that is incredibly illegal and was given the promotion anyway. Thank goodness she retired! I also work in a female-dominated field. I guess I understand that frustration more where places allow a year off (so jealous!), but the stingy 3 months that the US gets is no excuse to fire/demote/deny promotions.

 

[ireadyermind]

I was denied a promotion last year because my boss overheard me saying I'm trying to get pregnant, and she didn't want to train me and then have me out for 3 months. I went to HR about it since that is incredibly illegal and was given the promotion anyway. Thank goodness she retired! I also work in a female-dominated field. I guess I understand that frustration more where places allow a year off (so jealous!), but the stingy 3 months that the US gets is no excuse to fire/demote/deny promotions.

The nerve!

I'm glad you had the courage to go to HR about it. A lot of women would have just let it slide so as not to cause a stir. And I'm glad that boss retired! Bosses who prevent their employees from advancing in their fields for such petty reasons don't need to be bosses at all.

 

[KatO79]

I just lamented to my BFF that I didn't get my BFP this cycle. She keeps telling me that all I have to do is "relax" and that she doesn't know why I'm using BBT and charting CM and all of that, because "relax and it will happen".

She had two accidental pregnancies and I just don't think she understands how difficult it is for some people! She's one of those that thinks that having babies is simply a matter of not using birth control any more. I didn't want to snap at her about it, so I changed the subject to my upcoming vacation.

Oh no, not the "relax and it'll happen" mantra My MIL is going nuts with this one. It's amazing how smart all these fertile women are They have no idea how difficult it can be for some people. It's worse if you don't have some sort of physical issue, e.g. blocked tubes or something like that.

Probably a smart move to change the subject. Maybe avoid talking to her about it again?

 

[deafgal01]

The nerve of those people- from spoiling kids into brats and people who don't get it telling us to just relax and it will happen. :duhh: impressive what we go up against daily!

Dr- bummer u didn't ovulate but I hope they find a way to get you to!

 

[ireadyermind]

Oh no, not the "relax and it'll happen" mantra My MIL is going nuts with this one. It's amazing how smart all these fertile women are They have no idea how difficult it can be for some people. It's worse if you don't have some sort of physical issue, e.g. blocked tubes or something like that.

Probably a smart move to change the subject. Maybe avoid talking to her about it again?

I'm considering it, though it's a shame 'cause I've known this woman for almost my whole life. I kinda figured this was an important thing I could share with her.

I suppose she just has a different take on it, and you can't commiserate over something if it's something you haven't experienced before. Kinda like complaining to your husband about PMS. Haha

The idea that unprotected sex does not immediately result in pregnancy is foreign to some people I guess!

Just wish I had more people to talk to about it who are here in the real world. These forums are lovely and I really like being able to chat with folks from all walks of life who are currently TTC, but sometimes it doesn't quite cut it.

I mean no offense to anyone, of course. You're all lovely.

 

[Mrs. Tigger]

Kat, you always hear how progressive Scandinavian countries are when it comes to encouraging women to work AND have babies, with subsidized childcare, flexi-time, long maternity leave etc. but it doesn’t sound any better than elsewhere.

They're not so progressive. I guess they like the image but don't really back it up with action. I was told by my job center that my Ukrainian last name was part of the problem but also that I was close to 30 and childless was a problem as the Companies were afraid of me getting pregnant a few months into the job. The "rule" here is not to get pregnant the 1st year of a new job but seems even if you abide by this rule, you risk getting fired anyway. They're careful of how they do it as it's illegal to fire someone for getting pregnant. But I guess they just avoid the problem by trying not to hire childless women in their fertile years

I'm not so sure this is true, at least not for everyone. I lived in the US before moving to Denmark and I think the work-life balance here is fantastic (in fact, the ability to have kids and career is indeed one of the reasons why we moved here), especially compared to what my options were in the US. Less working hours, long maternity leave, socialized healthcare, etc, are all good, and I've seen them generally work out quite well for women who choose to have babies then return to work. It's also supposed to be pretty hard for a Danish company to fire someone after the 3-month probation period is up, and that seems true based on what I have observed and dealt with in working places over the years.

However, Denmark does still live in the dark ages about some things, and the tendency of people, including employers, to be prejudice against people who seem eastern european or middle eastern is indeed a problem. I think some industries are also better or worse than others in how they deal with women leaving and returning, and I admit that my industry as a whole seems quite good at this, so my perspective might be skewed. I do think Scandinavian countries (particularly Denmark) do have a lot of people who fell into the trap of taking a lot of education, then ending up upwards of 30 with no work experience, and find it hard to get hired compared to others who maybe took less education, but gained work experience earlier (some industries also value education more or less, this has an effect on how hard it seems to be to get hired with a lot of education and no work experience, or vice-versa).

I am surprised, though, given the high cost of living, the number of families who do actually survive on 1 salary. I think it must be terribly hard!

 

[Mrs. Tigger]

Well, its official. My progesterone was 2.7 today on CD24 so I didn't ovulate. I'll still use opks since that's the only way to know when to expect AF. I'm waiting on an appointment with the fertility specialist and I'll try clomid again while I'm waiting if I happen to have a cycle in the meantime.

Argh, that's frustrating! Do they have an idea at all of why you aren't ovulating on your own?

 

[drjo718]

Well, its official. My progesterone was 2.7 today on CD24 so I didn't ovulate. I'll still use opks since that's the only way to know when to expect AF. I'm waiting on an appointment with the fertility specialist and I'll try clomid again while I'm waiting if I happen to have a cycle in the meantime.

Argh, that's frustrating! Do they have an idea at all of why you aren't ovulating on your own?

It is very frustrating. I have no answers as to why I'm not ovulating, but I'm hoping to get some answers through the specialist.

 

[Fleur828815]

Oh yes, the "just relax" brigade. If only it were so easy!

drjo, hope the specialist will give you some clear answers and suggest ways to help. Not ovulating is so depressing when you're TTC, another month lost. I'm also going to see my doctor if I don't ovulate next month but I'm sure he'll tell me to give my body a few months to get back on track.

MrsTigger, good to have another perspective on the job market in Denmark. Prejudice against "foreigners" seems to be quite common in some countries

In France maternity leave is 16 weeks (6 weeks before the birth + 10 weeks after), you still get paid during those 16 weeks. You can also extend your maternity leave for 1-3 years, you're not paid by the employer but you can come back when your leave is over. Usually they get someone else to replace the person on maternity/parental leave.

I'm babysitting a friend's little one today and it's non-stop work... She did the worst poo I've ever seen, DH has decided he doesn't want kids anymore

Hollyness, happy birthday, hope you'll have a fab weekend

 

[KatO79]

Kat, you always hear how progressive Scandinavian countries are when it comes to encouraging women to work AND have babies, with subsidized childcare, flexi-time, long maternity leave etc. but it doesn’t sound any better than elsewhere.

They're not so progressive. I guess they like the image but don't really back it up with action. I was told by my job center that my Ukrainian last name was part of the problem but also that I was close to 30 and childless was a problem as the Companies were afraid of me getting pregnant a few months into the job. The "rule" here is not to get pregnant the 1st year of a new job but seems even if you abide by this rule, you risk getting fired anyway. They're careful of how they do it as it's illegal to fire someone for getting pregnant. But I guess they just avoid the problem by trying not to hire childless women in their fertile years

I'm not so sure this is true, at least not for everyone. I lived in the US before moving to Denmark and I think the work-life balance here is fantastic (in fact, the ability to have kids and career is indeed one of the reasons why we moved here), especially compared to what my options were in the US. Less working hours, long maternity leave, socialized healthcare, etc, are all good, and I've seen them generally work out quite well for women who choose to have babies then return to work. It's also supposed to be pretty hard for a Danish company to fire someone after the 3-month probation period is up, and that seems true based on what I have observed and dealt with in working places over the years.

However, Denmark does still live in the dark ages about some things, and the tendency of people, including employers, to be prejudice against people who seem eastern european or middle eastern is indeed a problem. I think some industries are also better or worse than others in how they deal with women leaving and returning, and I admit that my industry as a whole seems quite good at this, so my perspective might be skewed. I do think Scandinavian countries (particularly Denmark) do have a lot of people who fell into the trap of taking a lot of education, then ending up upwards of 30 with no work experience, and find it hard to get hired compared to others who maybe took less education, but gained work experience earlier (some industries also value education more or less, this has an effect on how hard it seems to be to get hired with a lot of education and no work experience, or vice-versa).

I am surprised, though, given the high cost of living, the number of families who do actually survive on 1 salary. I think it must be terribly hard!

Actually a company can fire you within the first 3-months for no real good reasons at all. If they wanted to, they could say your eye color is blue and they wanted a brown eyed person. You have no way of doing anything about it. I asked my union and they said nothing can be done if they fire you within those 3 months I actually think within the first year they have a fairly easy time of firing someone. It's first after that that it gets harder for them and they need a really good reason. That's my understanding of it and I did pretty extensive research on it when they fired me. They unjustly fired me about 2-3 weeks before my probation was up for the most insane excuses and made up a lot of stuff too. This firing is going to make it even more difficult for me to ever get a job because it looks bad. Hence why I've decided to drop both degrees and just find a volunteer job at an animal shelter since I also love animals. In hindsight I should've stuck with the job I had before that one because I would've still had it!

I've also been told by many (including my former job center) that if you don't have a few years experience then you need connections to get an academic job here. Since I first moved her at age 16 and my mother (born and raised in Denmark) both had no connections due to having lived in the US for 30 years plus her mental illness makes it difficult to keep friends, I had no connections to help me with getting to interviews. My grades aren't an issue and I write much better applications than my DH did when he was applying for jobs. Indeed it seems that every time I've been turned down for a position, they've all said it was due to them finding a more experienced person. I've also had a few "too over qualified" excuses as well when it came to applying for Lab Tech and Lab Tech assistant jobs, never mind supermarkets and the like. I'm starting to think the bio industry here is only interested in experienced people or people who have family or friends that can vouch for them.

The reason so many take a higher education is because the government keeps saying more people need to take a higher education, they want more people with degrees. So of course people are going to take higher educations since they believe the government.

As to surviving on 1 salary we seem to have no choice when no one has been willing to give me a real chance and my Master's is becoming obsolete after 7 years We get by and DH says we can afford to have 1 child with what he makes. We just prioritize what we use our money on and try to save where we can. We have no other choice.

 

[Mrs. Tigger]

Actually a company can fire you within the first 3-months for no real good reasons at all. If they wanted to, they could say your eye color is blue and they wanted a brown eyed person. You have no way of doing anything about it. I asked my union and they said nothing can be done if they fire you within those 3 months I actually think within the first year they have a fairly easy time of firing someone. It's first after that that it gets harder for them and they need a really good reason. That's my understanding of it and I did pretty extensive research on it when they fired me.

Yes, the first 3 months is always a probationary period -- both for the employer and employee (meaning you as an employee can also quit in your first 3 months and not be subject to the usual rules about having to give at least 1 month's notice). Basically, either side can end the employment contract for any reason if that side feels like the employee is not a good fit.

After those 3 months it gets harder to terminate people -- especially considering how much of the Danish workforce is unionized. Is there a union for people in the Biotech industry? And are you part of an A-Kasse? They often can help people getting their foot in the door at places.

They unjustly fired me about 2-3 weeks before my probation was up for the most insane excuses and made up a lot of stuff too. This firing is going to make it even more difficult for me to ever get a job because it looks bad. Hence why I've decided to drop both degrees and just find a volunteer job at an animal shelter since I also love animals. In hindsight I should've stuck with the job I had before that one because I would've still had it!

Yeah, they always say hindsight is 20/20. That doesn't make it easier, though.

I've also been told by many (including my former job center) that if you don't have a few years experience then you need connections to get an academic job here. Since I first moved her at age 16 and my mother (born and raised in Denmark) both had no connections due to having lived in the US for 30 years plus her mental illness makes it difficult to keep friends, I had no connections to help me with getting to interviews. My grades aren't an issue and I write much better applications than my DH did when he was applying for jobs. Indeed it seems that every time I've been turned down for a position, they've all said it was due to them finding a more experienced person. I've also had a few "too over qualified" excuses as well when it came to applying for Lab Tech and Lab Tech assistant jobs, never mind supermarkets and the like. I'm starting to think the bio industry here is only interested in experienced people or people who have family or friends that can vouch for them.

This seems consistent with what my friends in Academia have said -- especially regarding how it's just a big network of people who already know each other. It feels really wrong for it to be that way, though.

It's really good though that your DH feels you can afford a child on his salary.

 

[Mrs. Tigger]

I was denied a promotion last year because my boss overheard me saying I'm trying to get pregnant, and she didn't want to train me and then have me out for 3 months. I went to HR about it since that is incredibly illegal and was given the promotion anyway. Thank goodness she retired! I also work in a female-dominated field. I guess I understand that frustration more where places allow a year off (so jealous!), but the stingy 3 months that the US gets is no excuse to fire/demote/deny promotions.

Wow, that is crazy! Good on you for being brave enough to confront HR about it, and good on them for acting on it accordingly! How did you find out that that was the reason why your boss was not giving you the promotion?