Bf not ready and clock ticking. Need support.

[enrisa]

Hi, I am 35 (36 in two months). Bf is 35. Bf says he is not ready for kids yet! I feel so desperate. I even thought of ways of getting pregnant without telling him, but don´t know how to do that.

I´m going to the ob soon. I was just thinking of telling my bf, when coming home from the doc, that doc said that we should start ttc asap. No excuses. This is kind of an ultimatum, but I can´t wait longer. I´m even thinking of going to a clinic and get a donor if he still says he is not ready.

Then I feel angry with him, but then I also feel he has to feel happy with me, with the relationship, to want kids, and if I show anger, he will be distant.
Arrrggggg...I need some support.

What can I do???

 

[FBbaby]

The only sensible thing to do in this cicumstance is to talk talk and talk. Why is he not ready? Is it because he is scared of being a dad, because he thinks you guys are not financially stable yet, because he isn't ready for the full commitment? Have you been together for a long time?

If it is a case that you are certain that he does want to commit to having a family together, but he needs a bit more time to sort out some issues, then he needs to tell you when he expects to be ready and be prepared then to go for it. If on the other hand he gives you elusive answers or doesn't want to talk about it, you will need to do some serious thinking. You don't want to lose him because you are rushing him in something he is not yet ready to do, but will be soon, on the other hand, you don't want to hang on if it turns out that he doesn't really ever intend on ttc.

Trapping him is NEVER the answer. It is selfish and unfair on him. Even if it is a sad that you don't agree on this matter, he has a right to his position. It would also not be fair on the child to be born who deserve to be desired and wanted as much by his dad than mum.

 

[princessjulia]

hi hun bless ya u do need 2 ask yrself why doesnt he want kids and talk it ova tell him how much it means to u some blokes simply dnt want 2 b dad or eva b father. so u may get left holdin baby. if u go bhind his bk .you need 2 have a good long think abt yr future if u really want this baby now then b prepared 2 do it on yr own just in case hes not supportive.i wish u all luck in world i really do. i have brought up kids on my own and its hard at times but worth all hardwork

 

[lynnb]

I'm 38, DH is 47 & I took me 3 years & loads of talking to get my DH to agree to actively try, he was really concerned that it would be stressful, that it would take the fun out of our relationship & he didn't really mind if we had children or not, not too sure what finally convinced him to try but that was 2 years ago & he told me after our mc that he didn't realise how much he wanted our baby until it was gone. Now he's almost as desperate as me

The only advice I can offer is to keep talking to your bf & he might change his mind, otherwise you may have to consider going it alone

 

[Toptack]

I agree with the other posters - keep talking to your bf. I also think you may be right to go and see the ob and get some basic checks done, not necessarily to give your boyfriend an ultimatum, but to help you make a decision about what to do long term. I discovered I had "diminished ovarian reserve" at 34 and did go on to fall pregnant naturally, but it took a long time (23 cycles ttc). Having said that, most of my friends fell pregnant very easily in their mid 30s... it just varies so much from person to person. Speaking to an ob might help you establish your own internal time scale of how long you can wait before starting to try, with or without your partner. Good luck with it all x

 

[wiiwidow]

Hi there, I just wanted to add my twopence worth of advice...

I was in a very similar situation, although younger admittedly, all I'd ever wanted was to have a family, had met and fallen in love with my soul mate, and I was READY to have a family. The only problem was he wasn't, and he didn't even know if he wanted to have children. Cue 4 years of much pain and heartache, nearly splitting countless times (sorry it wasn't rosy) however I am now pregnant, after mutually deciding to start ttc this year.

Anyway I tried lots of ways to get him to decide, and the best by far was talking. I spent many hours explaining why I wanted to have a family with him, how I envisaged our life together as a family, and discussing his hopes and more importantly fears. He was very scared of the financial responsibility, not owning a house yet, and still is! He was scared of losing his independance, the massive change in our lives and generally how hard it would be. To be fair he also had a rubbish father who has a lot to answer for too. We realised after lots of soul searching that we wanted to be together and we needed to work through this as a couple, it wasn't just his issue!

We agreed that I would have a fertility MOT which I didn't actually get around to doing but we thought it would give us an idea of how long we had. This might be something worth doing as it will ease your worries slightly.

Now the other key thing we both did was counselling, separately although couples counselling probably would've been better. My OH took a LOT of persuading to do this, but I had got so fed up with the situation I needed him to put some effort into to trying to sort it out and I felt that was the only option. So yes this was an ultimatum, go to counselling or I was off, however it worked, he only went to 2 sessions but it helped massively.

Also, we made a real effort to socialise and see people/friends of his who already had children and to actually look at it through new eyes and see the good side of it. Too often, men only meet up with their friends who've had children and just hear about the bad side; the money worries, the tiredness, the badly behaved children, no time to themselves etc. Most men generally don't sit in the pub a rave on to their mates about how amazing it is and how much they love their children and wouldn't be without them etc. But if you actually ask them some will be open and honest and it's very refreshing.

Finally we also got a dog, we both wanted one so admittedly that is important, but it gave us a real sense of family. And understanding of the lack of freedom but balanced by the love and companionship this dog brings. He loves the dog probably more than me and I think it made a massive difference to the whole decision making.

Anyway I could go on and on, there were so many things that did and didn't work - it was tough and really hard work but we are so much stronger now for what we've been through. I would say talk, talk about whether you are both in it for the long haul otherwise it's just too much. But if you're sure that this guys is the one for you and vice versa, then it is worth putting the effort in, and i'm sure you'll come out the other side. If you want to chat any further or ask me any other questions, let me know. xx

 

[wiiwidow]

Hi, I am 35 (36 in two months). Bf is 35. Bf says he is not ready for kids yet! I feel so desperate. I even thought of ways of getting pregnant without telling him, but don´t know how to do that.

I´m going to the ob soon. I was just thinking of telling my bf, when coming home from the doc, that doc said that we should start ttc asap. No excuses. This is kind of an ultimatum, but I can´t wait longer. I´m even thinking of going to a clinic and get a donor if he still says he is not ready.

Then I feel angry with him, but then I also feel he has to feel happy with me, with the relationship, to want kids, and if I show anger, he will be distant.
Arrrggggg...I need some support.

What can I do???

I just wanted to also add, my OH is 39 nearly 40 and I'm 33. I thought of many ways of trying to get pregnant and it's amazing the amount of people who advised me to do that. Looking back though and I think I also knew at the time this was the wrong thing to do, I even admitted it to him once that, that was how I felt but I'd never do it. He respected me more for telling him and that I wouldn't do it. Try not to feel to angry with him, he is allowed to feel this way - but try to talk about why it makes you so upset and worried, and equally try and get him to talk about how he feels about it all. Trust me getting angry and arguing will not help at all. It will just make him run away.

 

[Omi]

I just wanted to second the fabulous and heartfelt advice above - very well put!

Also, getting a pet really does help, strangely enough.. We got 2 cats. One of our friends got a dog.

Good luck and all the best, Omi xxx

 

[Seity]

I also agree about talking about it. My OH is 2 years younger than me, so while I was ready, he wasn't. We talked about everything, all the time, family and kids being one of many things discussed and after about 1 year he finally felt ready. I was just turning 36 and that's still plenty young.
My sister also had her first at 36 and then accidentally got pregnant again at 38, so you tend to have more time than you think.

 

[Rikki]

Which is more important - your BF or a baby?

I only ask because I know what it's like to desperately want a baby, no matter what. As advised above, definitely try to talk it over with him more, but if he is adamant he doesn't want a baby then you will have a decision to make.

I know I'm not much help, but if having a baby is more important to you then you may have to consider ending the relationship (under no circumstances should you go behind his back to get pregnant by him). You would also have to consider if you are prepared to go it alone with a baby, with no support from a OH.

If you want to be with him no matter what, then you may have to be prepared to wait for him to be ready or possibly even give up your dreams of having a baby.

I'm not going to advise you what to do, that is your decision alone. It's difficult when partners have different opinions on something as important as this.

Good luck.

 

[MaternalMe]

i agree with wiiwidow - what fantastic advice. My DH is eager to have another but i think the advice can be applied to so many issues - talking really is the key.

 

[SydneyB]

Which is more important - your BF or a baby?

I only ask because I know what it's like to desperately want a baby, no matter what. As advised above, definitely try to talk it over with him more, but if he is adamant he doesn't want a baby then you will have a decision to make.

I know I'm not much help, but if having a baby is more important to you then you may have to consider ending the relationship (under no circumstances should you go behind his back to get pregnant by him). You would also have to consider if you are prepared to go it alone with a baby, with no support from a OH.

If you want to be with him no matter what, then you may have to be prepared to wait for him to be ready or possibly even give up your dreams of having a baby.

I'm not going to advise you what to do, that is your decision alone. It's difficult when partners have different opinions on something as important as this.

Good luck.

Well said Rikki - it will be the hardest thing you have ever done but if he really doesn't want kids and you do then you need to make a tough decision and only you know how much it really means to you! Good luck x

 

[threedognite]

Do you want to get married? Does he?

 

[wannabemum123]

Yeah, just talk to him, then decide from thereon, whether your need for a baby is greater than a relationship with him. At my age if I had a bf who doesn't want to have children, then I wouldn't have the luxury of talking for years and years and I would not take the chance of waiting that long and losing my opportunity. Only you can decide.

 

[enrisa]

The only sensible thing to do in this cicumstance is to talk talk and talk. Why is he not ready? Is it because he is scared of being a dad, because he thinks you guys are not financially stable yet, because he isn't ready for the full commitment? Have you been together for a long time?

If it is a case that you are certain that he does want to commit to having a family together, but he needs a bit more time to sort out some issues, then he needs to tell you when he expects to be ready and be prepared then to go for it. If on the other hand he gives you elusive answers or doesn't want to talk about it, you will need to do some serious thinking. You don't want to lose him because you are rushing him in something he is not yet ready to do, but will be soon, on the other hand, you don't want to hang on if it turns out that he doesn't really ever intend on ttc.

Trapping him is NEVER the answer. It is selfish and unfair on him. Even if it is a sad that you don't agree on this matter, he has a right to his position. It would also not be fair on the child to be born who deserve to be desired and wanted as much by his dad than mum.

Thanks a lot for your answer. It makes me see things more clear. Yes, we just need to talk talk talk. Arrgg, it's so exhausting. He IS elusive. We have been 4.5 years together! Thanks

 

[enrisa]

hi hun bless ya u do need 2 ask yrself why doesnt he want kids and talk it ova tell him how much it means to u some blokes simply dnt want 2 b dad or eva b father. so u may get left holdin baby. if u go bhind his bk .you need 2 have a good long think abt yr future if u really want this baby now then b prepared 2 do it on yr own just in case hes not supportive.i wish u all luck in world i really do. i have brought up kids on my own and its hard at times but worth all hardwork

Thanks princess julia. I know he would be a good dad, he is just so reluctant. Arrggg... I might have to go on my own. I just can't wait because of my age. Thanks a lot for your support

 

[wannabemum123]

Good luck Enrisa. Just make sure he spells it out, because you have been together for a significant amount of time - nearly 5 years. He needs to give you some answers - no beating around the bush.

 

[enrisa]

I'm 38, DH is 47 & I took me 3 years & loads of talking to get my DH to agree to actively try, he was really concerned that it would be stressful, that it would take the fun out of our relationship & he didn't really mind if we had children or not, not too sure what finally convinced him to try but that was 2 years ago & he told me after our mc that he didn't realise how much he wanted our baby until it was gone. Now he's almost as desperate as me

The only advice I can offer is to keep talking to your bf & he might change his mind, otherwise you may have to consider going it alone

Thanks for your reply. You are all right, I just need to talk talk talk. But argh, it's so tiring, mainly when it's me doing the talking, and just feel like saying, ok, whatever, and going alone to a clinic. I guess I'll have to be veeeery patient with him, but I'm not going to wait too long.
Wish you lots of luck. Keep trying and try to have a healthy lifestyle, there's not much you can do, right? Try to relax, although I know it's easier said than done.
And thanks a lot for your support.

 

[enrisa]

I agree with the other posters - keep talking to your bf. I also think you may be right to go and see the ob and get some basic checks done, not necessarily to give your boyfriend an ultimatum, but to help you make a decision about what to do long term. I discovered I had "diminished ovarian reserve" at 34 and did go on to fall pregnant naturally, but it took a long time (23 cycles ttc). Having said that, most of my friends fell pregnant very easily in their mid 30s... it just varies so much from person to person. Speaking to an ob might help you establish your own internal time scale of how long you can wait before starting to try, with or without your partner. Good luck with it all x

Thanks for your support U r right, we are all so different, worth to ask the ob.

 

[enrisa]

Hi there, I just wanted to add my twopence worth of advice...

I was in a very similar situation, although younger admittedly, all I'd ever wanted was to have a family, had met and fallen in love with my soul mate, and I was READY to have a family. The only problem was he wasn't, and he didn't even know if he wanted to have children. Cue 4 years of much pain and heartache, nearly splitting countless times (sorry it wasn't rosy) however I am now pregnant, after mutually deciding to start ttc this year.

Anyway I tried lots of ways to get him to decide, and the best by far was talking. I spent many hours explaining why I wanted to have a family with him, how I envisaged our life together as a family, and discussing his hopes and more importantly fears. He was very scared of the financial responsibility, not owning a house yet, and still is! He was scared of losing his independance, the massive change in our lives and generally how hard it would be. To be fair he also had a rubbish father who has a lot to answer for too. We realised after lots of soul searching that we wanted to be together and we needed to work through this as a couple, it wasn't just his issue!

We agreed that I would have a fertility MOT which I didn't actually get around to doing but we thought it would give us an idea of how long we had. This might be something worth doing as it will ease your worries slightly.

Now the other key thing we both did was counselling, separately although couples counselling probably would've been better. My OH took a LOT of persuading to do this, but I had got so fed up with the situation I needed him to put some effort into to trying to sort it out and I felt that was the only option. So yes this was an ultimatum, go to counselling or I was off, however it worked, he only went to 2 sessions but it helped massively.

Also, we made a real effort to socialise and see people/friends of his who already had children and to actually look at it through new eyes and see the good side of it. Too often, men only meet up with their friends who've had children and just hear about the bad side; the money worries, the tiredness, the badly behaved children, no time to themselves etc. Most men generally don't sit in the pub a rave on to their mates about how amazing it is and how much they love their children and wouldn't be without them etc. But if you actually ask them some will be open and honest and it's very refreshing.

Finally we also got a dog, we both wanted one so admittedly that is important, but it gave us a real sense of family. And understanding of the lack of freedom but balanced by the love and companionship this dog brings. He loves the dog probably more than me and I think it made a massive difference to the whole decision making.

Anyway I could go on and on, there were so many things that did and didn't work - it was tough and really hard work but we are so much stronger now for what we've been through. I would say talk, talk about whether you are both in it for the long haul otherwise it's just too much. But if you're sure that this guys is the one for you and vice versa, then it is worth putting the effort in, and i'm sure you'll come out the other side. If you want to chat any further or ask me any other questions, let me know. xx

Thanks a lot for your support. I actually feel better after reading your case. I guess I need to do more talking and lots of effort. It is exhausting. I wish he just came to me and say, oh honey, I want to have a baby with you. But that's not happening. His attitude makes me fall out of love with him. Arrgg, I'll start then talking and talking every single day. It's not easy, as he is kind of elusive, and it's just me doing the talking. It gets on my nerves. But thanks a lot, honestly. Congrats on your pregnancy