Breastfeeding Grief Support

[Vilranda]

Pinklizzy, after a bit you'll find that a mummyhug does the trick just as well. Promise! I think by 4 months I found them basically interchangeable. I cried when I talked to people about it (my Dr, HV etc) for months.

NIfirsttimer, I'm in contact with a few mums via MOBI whose babies had things like lip tie and posterior tongue tie and diagnosing the not-so-obvious tongue and lip ties has become such a lost art in the past few decades (with the rise in bottle feeding) that basically you need an ENT specialist, pediatric dentist or IBCLC before you find someone who even knows what to look for. Such a shame as tongue and lip ties are found in 15% of the population. And anger is totally acceptable! I'm angry a lot because I think about what-ifs, and if-I'd-only-knowns Not sure I would have been any better off, but I do wonder.

Vilranda in my experience with combo feeding via a bottle, breast refusal is likely to be the worst around 5-6 weeks because it's such a big growth spurt and they mainly just want milk NOW. It got a bit better by week 7+, but by week 8 for me I'd swapped to an at breast supplementer for all top ups (because of the breast refusal and also because the pumping after feeds was killing me).

That makes sense, even in a way it makes me feel worse...I dont get to take my full 12 week maternity leave. I have to go back to work monday if I get the ok from my OB on friday...so I dont even get the chance to try to really work on it again...and I've been so bad with pumping...and it'll only get worse when I go back to work, since i'll probably only get to pump on my hour long lunch break...I have game plan, but i'm not sure it'll work...

And then to add to my guilt, theres my husband whose so worried about him gaining too much weight...just cuz he gets 4ozs of formula every two hours. I cant get him to understand that every baby is different...and just because his co-worker's kid is a 20lb fatty at 5months doesn't mean that Chibi will be too. I'm kinda worried that he'll starve the baby...he's said that he doesnt feel right giving the baby 4ozs. What am I going to do? I trust him to look after Chibi, but not to feed him...

God I wish things were different...

 

[Belgiansunset]

to everyone who needs them.

For me the guilt has eased as she passed 6 months and we were able to BLW (another choice I was determined to do in pregnancy like breastfeeding). I think being successful at BLW has eased a little of the guilt of being unsuccessful at BF. Although I still think about BF daily and get (nicely) envious if I see someone else BF.

What's BLW?

 

[NIfirsttimer]

baby led weaning


https://www.babyledweaning.com/

 

[Nic1107]

I havent had the courage to feed in public because i cant help showing a fair bit so those comments narked me because id love to be able to be descreet. Might feel different if i still had my nice pert DD instead of the monsters iv got now.

Tell ya what, give me half of your boobage to fill out my pathetic A cups, that'll work out nicely!

 

[Nic1107]

:wave: Welcome to our new ladies! I hope this group helps you all to heal and keep going forward past the struggles and obstacles we're all facing together.

 

[bky]

Vilranda, in your situation I'd set a small goal that you know you can meet. Maybe something like pumping once per day, or having some time trying to nurse when you get home every day. Just say, I'm going to do this small thing until this date, then if things are going well think about what else you can add in. Meeting goals is a great boost.

...more to say on some of the other things but have to go to work now!

 

[bky]

Where was I...?
Once you get onto solids it does become a bit better. Mine is still on all her formula milk, though in the next month or so I'll be offering solids inbetween breast and formula. Sort of doing BLW, though mainly she just feeds herself. I offer different types of foods gradually and she usually isn't eating what we are as I find what we are eating, while healthy, a bit unsuitable (sauces, rice etc). I remember being relieved that at least cloth nappies were working for us. I think I would have lost it if that had failed too.

I think one of the things with having to give formula is that in a way it's very violating. Most other parenting decisions you try something and it works, doesn't work or you mold it in to something that works for you, but with feeding if breastfeeding doesn't work there's only formula to resort to (and thank goodness it's there, but still) and it can feel a bit like it was forced on you (and in some cases it is because after having a baby is a vulnerable time you don't have as much mental fortitude). I think if people were forced to have their babies CIO when that was something they didn't want they would find it just as (if not more) traumatic. With feeding the baby needs to be fed and since breast milk production can be such a fragile process there's very little room for trying to find something that works.
It's really frustrating, because there are ways of getting around, or making work as a compromise, a lot of the bf issues people face, but they are rarely explored.

 

[lozzy21]

I wish i could have just cio and stuck with BF 100%, i had to suppliment with formula for her health She had severe jaundice couldent latch and i couldent express enough. She was on an iv because she wasent taking enough.

 

[Vilranda]

Vilranda, in your situation I'd set a small goal that you know you can meet. Maybe something like pumping once per day, or having some time trying to nurse when you get home every day. Just say, I'm going to do this small thing until this date, then if things are going well think about what else you can add in. Meeting goals is a great boost.

...more to say on some of the other things but have to go to work now!

I'm working on getting a better pump, a double pump, so it wont take me as long to pump, and i'll be able to pump more often. When it takes a half hour plus, it makes it hard to pump all the time.

I'm defo going to try to get him on the boob when I get home from work, and pump often once i'm home as well. I'll need to to keep up my supply. My big goal is to make it 6 months. If I dont meet that oh well, I guess. I gave it my best. Theres nothing i can do about drying up...

Goal: Boob once a day, pumping often

 

[bky]

Here's a link on pumps.
https://babylovesyourmilk.com/best-personal-electric-breast-pumps.php

 

[xoButterfly25]

I was just directed to this thread and wondered if I could share how I feel;

I wanted to breastfeed so much and did try for 2 days, but LO didn't seem to be getting enough, because after being on each breast for around an hour, he'd still be hungry, so my mum suggested to try him on a bit of formula after breastfeeding and see if that helps.

It did help at first or so I thought ..but then I realized he wasn't sucking properly from me. He was latched on right because it didn't hurt or anything ..so I bought 3 different breast pumps to try and express and they didn't seem to pump from me properly. I did manage to hand express for a few days, but it was hard to do that.

I kept on trying breast and formula but it just didn't seem to go well so I gave up breast after about 2 weeks of trying ..and now some people are making me feel super bad about not breastfeeding and making out to be my fault that I'm not breastfeeding. I did try. I could of done it if LO was sucking properly ..how could I of made him suck properly?

Now I get upset when people say about me not breastfeeding because I wanted to do it so much and would still be doing that if I could have done

When I bottle feed though, both me and LO are skin to skin so we both kinda get the same contact as we would if I was breastfeeding yet people still have to have a dig at me for it and it does really upset me.

 

[mrsraggle]

I was just directed to this thread and wondered if I could share how I feel;

I wanted to breastfeed so much and did try for 2 days, but LO didn't seem to be getting enough, because after being on each breast for around an hour, he'd still be hungry, so my mum suggested to try him on a bit of formula after breastfeeding and see if that helps.

It did help at first or so I thought ..but then I realized he wasn't sucking properly from me. He was latched on right because it didn't hurt or anything ..so I bought 3 different breast pumps to try and express and they didn't seem to pump from me properly. I did manage to hand express for a few days, but it was hard to do that.

I kept on trying breast and formula but it just didn't seem to go well so I gave up breast after about 2 weeks of trying ..and now some people are making me feel super bad about not breastfeeding and making out to be my fault that I'm not breastfeeding. I did try. I could of done it if LO was sucking properly ..how could I of made him suck properly?

Now I get upset when people say about me not breastfeeding because I wanted to do it so much and would still be doing that if I could have done

When I bottle feed though, both me and LO are skin to skin so we both kinda get the same contact as we would if I was breastfeeding yet people still have to have a dig at me for it and it does really upset me.

You did really well to continue for a fortnight, really well Don't let other people get you down. You did really well, and then made the best decision for you both. Skin to skin is really good too, so you're getting loads of contact.

 

[sassysas03]

Hi, I hope you don't mind me joining you and sharing my experience

When I was pregnant I had quite a relaxed attitude towards breastfeeding and thought "I'll give it a go but if it doesn't work so be it"
Well, once Elliott was born I couldn't imagine doing anything but breastfeeding him. I was able to feed him roughly 2 hours after he was born (had emergency c-section), he latched on quite well and fed for about an hour. However,once it came to feeding from the right boob he was having non of it,he was screaming and pushing himself away from me,so we stuck to the left side for the next feed but tried the right side again after that, again he would scream and become very distressed. The MW tried every possible position to get him to latch on but nothing would help. On the second night I had to express in to a syringe as he would still only latch on to the left,which by then was starting to bleed and crack. Again the MW on duty tried every position for him to latch on but he would cry and scream and push himself away. I was crying with him by then as I didn't know what to do. I asked if I could use a pump to express from the right side (didn't want to end up with lots of milk in one boob but hardly any in the other) but was told it was too early. Another midwife suggested I try a nipple shield and amazingly enough Elliott accepted it and finally started to feed from the right side
Unfortunately the triumph was short lived as due to my c-section wound getting infected and early stages of Pnd my GP prescribed medication on which I was not allowed to breastfeed. So after 10 days of lots of tears and starting to thinking we were finally getting somewhere I had to come to the conclusion that not only was i incapable of giving birth naturally I now also wasn't able to provide him with what is best for him
I felt so guilty(and still feel guilty), especially after the formula milk was giving him an upset stomach and causing him lots of discomfort and pain and now his skin in breaking out and showing signs of eczema. All this because my stupid body won't function properly

 

[bky]

to all the newcomers.

 

[surprisepreg]

Hey,

I would like to share my breastfeeding story.

My whole life I always knew if I ever had a baby I would breastfeed. When I adopted Sean (his birthmom was a friend of mine and was staying with me when he was born- she hated being a mom and I ended up taking over his care and adopting him) I felt sad that I had never been able to have the experience of breastfeeding him, but I knew I would breastfeed my future children.

When I found out I was pregnant last year I was surprised (so not planned) and excited! Formula feeding never even entered my mind. I bought a pump to use only when I went back to work and was planning to exclusivly breastfeed until I went back to work. At that point I would introduce bottles of expressed milk for when I wasnt around.

I had developed gestational hypertension at the end of my pregnancy. My OB/GYN decided to induce me at 37 weeks. The induction failed and led to a c-section. I only got to see my little boy for a few minutes before they took him to the nursery and I went to recovery (I didnt get to hold him at all). We were seperated for the following 5/6 hours because I had to be taken to a different recovery room then normal.

I did pump colostrum for him. When I finally got him back the next morning, I went right to breastfeeding. He latched right away and I fed on demand from that moment on. At first everything seemed to be going smoothly.

By the next day, things were getting a bit harder. He would fall asleep nursing but would wake up crying and frantically rooting as soon as I moved him. He was constantly at my breast..literally never left it. By the end of the day, he would latch on, suck for a second and cry. This went on until 2am. At that point I called my mom (a huge breastfeeding advocate) in tears. She suggested that I give him a little formula for now and talk to the lactation consultant first thingin the morning.

The lactation consultant thought my milk was just late coming in and said to nurse nurse nurse and supplement when neccesary until it came in. The next day before I went home, she told me to pump and supplement after nursing until my milk came in. I went home and did as I was told.

By day 10, my milk was still not in, so I had a lactation consultant come to the house. She weighed Shane before and after nursing and he was taking in about .8 oz total between both breasts. She rented me a hospital pump and told me to pump every 2-3 hours after nursing.

I did this for three weeks but didnt see a significant increase in milk. When Shane was about 1 month old I bought an SNS to use instead of bottles. I used the SNS and pumped every 2-3 hours. I started taking supplements and tried everything from nursiing teas, fennugreek, blessed thistle, lactation pills, goats rue, etc. I ate oatmeal every day and tried to eat other milk increasing foods.

Now at 2 1/2 months old, I still have to supplement often. I have never been able to pump more then 1/2-1 oz per breast- and it was only that much if I didnt nurse first. Shane now gets four ounces of formula (on average) along with nursing. He frequently nurses inbetween . formula feedings as well. I am SOOOO tired of cleaning bottles, pump stuff, SNS, etc. All I want is to pop a boob out and nurse without all this crap!

I have an appointment 2morrow with a different lactation consultant who is also a M.D. Im hoping she will have some new ideas!

 

[surprisepreg]

On another note....my cousins wife had a baby recently. She says she wants to breastfeed but the doctor told her to supplement because the baby lost weight. He didnt even lose that much! I went to meet the baby the other day and she was sitting there saying how she was sooo engorged only to turn around and give him a bottle. She said.."oh I nursed hima little while ago". Then she turned to me and said I was lucky that I was never engorged! LUCKY??????? What I wouldnt do for one of her engorged, painful boobs!

 

[bky]

surprisepreg. Your story sound so much like mine I'm still using the SNS at 6+ months. Have you considered joining MOBI? (You can get the the page from the 2nd link in my signature, but it's a bit tricky to navigate, it's a yahoo group), but there are lots of Low supply moms and long term SNS users there and they are a great source of information about things to increase supply. Most of them are US based, so maybe more relevant for you than me in NZ...
I'd also recommend this book: https://www.makingmoremilk.com/ especially for working with a LC/MD.

 

[surprisepreg]

bky,

Thank you so much! Our stories really do sound so much alike! Its been so frustrating! But I wont give up! Its amazing that you have made it to 6 months! Thats awesome!! Have you been able to increase your supply at all?

I just realized that in the last 2 days my supply must have increased a little! Usually at night he has a 3 am bottle and a 7/8 am bottle (usually 3-4 oz) (I dont usually use the sns at night) and he nurses on demand throughout the night as well. Well last night and the night before he skipped his 3 am bottle and only took 2 oz around 7!!! And he seemed perfectly content!! YAY!

A friend of mine bought me a book called Mother's Food. It talks about different foodss to support and increase milk supply. Ive been eating as much of those foods as possible. Maybe its working?!?!

I hope so...cause Shane does not want formula! Hes been getting so pissy about it!! He either wants a boob or boobie milk in a bottle. He gets soo angry! Its almost kind of funny....but sad

 

[bky]

At the highest I was supplementing around 500ml per day (so 16-18oz), but before weaning started had gotten it down via food and SNS use to around 350-400ml (12-14oz) per day. So I managed some increase. A large part of that was at some point, maybe around 8 weeks or so I began being able to feed her at night without supplement (I suspect strongly it was Blessed Thistle that did that for me, I still take a few capsules daily to be able to keep doing it). I also had a funny increase of maybe another oz or two around 5 months, but since then we've been weaning as well and this week I'm experimenting with giving the supplement after the food so the amount has been decreasing there as well. I've had Motherfood recommended to me, but haven't read it yet. I've got myself on a low glycemic index diet and that does seem to help. If you've ever (or anyone!) has got any specific questions feel free to stop by my journal.

 

[Nessicle]

I didnt even realise this thread existed but so glad I saw it!!

my birth story is attached by link to my signature if you want to have a read save me writing it again but i struggled so much with feeligs of guilt and grief over not being able to breastfeed. I never imagined I wouldnt be able to do it and I always knew I would breastfeed - but my body had other plans!

After the traumatic delivery ending in c section, Ava latched on well but was sucking crazily, so much that on day two my nipples were raw and bleeding - I had drops f blood on my nightdress and I could barely touch them but kept trying to latch Ava on through my tears. She was screaming constantly and sucking for hours and there was just nothing there for her, literally two droplets of colostrum every time she tried to latch on. She wouldnt sleep and was clearly distressed.

On day two I gave up and felt like such a failure, my body had failed to deliver her normally and now my boobs had failed to provide nourishment for her

when I gave her the formula she guzzled like there was no tomorrow and actually slept properly.

I continued to beat myself up once I got home and was crying constantly everytime I made up a feed, I was pumping 4 times a day and managed to get out about a teaspoon all day but my milk failed to come in.

i've since been told that the litre of blood I lost during surgery and the antibiotics i was on in hospital can affect your milk coming in as well as the fact that with a section the placenta doesnt come away naturally when you have a normal delvery this triggers off hormones to let down your milk.

I've come to terms with it more now but I still grieve for the delivery I never got and the fact I couldnt feed her xx