Breastfeeding guilt trip at every opportunity?!

[Linnypops]

To be honest I think the promotional aspect of breastfeeding has gone too far - there are physical benefits for the baby (if everything works out) however there are also cons for the mother (and the baby if things don't work out)...You have to weigh it up, does a slightly reduced chance of allergies etc really make up for what can be a devastating introduction to mothering? For example at no point in my NHS bf'ing workshop did they say 'Things might not work out, that's ok too'...they actually said there are very few women who cannot physically breastfeed - how is that supposed to make a woman feel when for whatever reason she just can't keep doing it? Feeding a child is not just physical, it's emotional.

They also said there is no pain involved....<--- this is utter rubbish in my experience, i've yet to meet a bf'er who didn't have a LOT of pain, cracked nipples, etc in the beginning.

I guess my point is that the picture they painted to me did not resemble the reality of it. There is a reason so many women happily formula fed 30 years ago with none of the guilt and hand-wringing we have these days. Perhaps if they were more honest about it women would know to expect it to be difficult and not find themselves feeling isolated in this 'simple & natural' method of feeding.

I agree that if there is no awareness of breastfeeding in a community then it makes sense to raise awareness of it, however it needs to be honest, and it needs to categorically also have the disclaimer that formula feeding is fine.

 

[wookie130]

^^^...slow-claps...to Linnypops...!!!

Since the beginning of time, there have been recorded/documented breastmilk substitutes or "alternatives." There have been wet-nurses available to the wealthy if a mother struggled, or had an inadequate supply, or other nursing mothers in the village would take over the breastfeeding...when this wasn't possible, women started feeding their babies substitutes from goat's milk, combined with other ingredients at times, among other types of milks. The general idea here was to feed the baby SOMETHING, whether it was someone else's human milk, or another type of milk entirely. This proves what we know to be true...no matter what, the baby has to eat SOMETHING to thrive, grow, and survive. For those of us who don't want to breastfeed, or can't, or whatever, we have a perfectly WONDERFUL substitute for human milk that is safe, provides complete nutrition, and allows our babies to grow, and be wonderfully nourished.

My point is that there has been THE NEED for an alternative throughout the ages, because there are times even in the most distant history that breastfeeding did not work out for one reason or another...and babies need to eat. Do you think these women hemmed and hawed about support and what was best? No. They wanted to see their kids make it to 2 years of age without dying of malnutrition or starvation.

Those of us feeding formula these days can rest easily now, knowing that what we're feeding is BETTER than adequate...it's actually great. No room for guilt here. Just feed the baby!

 

[wookie130]

I'm also going to add (and then I'm done! LOL!!! ) that it's okay to be PASSIONATE about the "cause" of breastfeeding. There are blogs and web sites and organizations, and World Breastfeeding Day (or week? I can't remember), and photo collages, etc., dedicated to the "cause." It is currently the sacred cow of new motherhood, really and truly, at this point in time. I see a lot of women who tout themselves to be breastfeeding "advocates" and those who seek to "educate" women on the importance of breastfeeding.

Okaaaaaaaaay. So you then have ladies like myself, who are equally as passionate about the cause of infant feeding-choice. I am neither pro-breastfeeding or pro-formula...I am pro-do-whatever-works-for-you-and-THAT-will-be-the-best-for-your-situation. I AM passionate about this.

But because I am more passionate about that than I am about mothers mirroring my own choices back at me, I have been labelled as "defensive" and "extreme" and even "angry"- even in this very thread! If I were beating the "breast is best" drum...I wouldn't be labelled any of those things. I'd be "educated" and an "advocate." But, because I don't bend over and kiss the ass of the sacred cow that is breastfeeding, I am ______.

What I REALLY am, is passionate about choice. And there's nothing more feminist and empowering than that!

 

[redneckhippy]

I don't know about the rest but I'm not a breastfeeder or a formula feeder...I'm a pregnant gal who will probably be a combi-feeder so I check out both boards to prepare myself.

 

[Ummi2boyz]

Wookie! Wow! I wanted to say the same things, but you put it so much better that I could have ever done!
I remember my mum telling me that her mum and her aunt (who both used to be pregnant roughly every 2 years), were handing each others babies when bf was to difficult, or they had to go to hospital or whatever that meant they couldn 't breastfeed.
Also dh was wet nursed by a neighbour the first few days when he was born because his mum (18 at the time) simply did not know how to bf. and the wet nurse showed her how to do it. And when talks about it now, she has no shame whatsoever to say yes I was young and I did not know. And just like wookie said wet nursing had been around since the beginnings of time.

 

[purplecupcake]

As someone who struggles to understand all the reasons why anyone would not breastfeed, can someone enlighten me?

As I understand it, there are those that choose not to breast feed ahead of time for what I can only understand to be selfish reasons (not "ruining" breasts, not wanting to make the time to feed or pump, wanting to sleep longer during the newborn stage, thinking it's "weird" because they think breasts are only sex organs, etc...), and those who struggle with breastfeeding and choose to go the formula route instead of continuing to struggle. Do I think some women give up too early? Absolutely.

Breastfeeding is a struggle for most of us, including myself! I was breastfed until I was 4 and I really never entertained the idea of formula so I pushed and pushed past the pain and the sleepless nights. It did NOT come easily. Now it comes easy and painfree and I am so happy I stuck with it. I wish more women were able to prevail so they could have what I have. But what they do with their body and their child is none of my business.

Breastfeeding is wonderful. It provides benefits that last a lifetime - not just 6 months. It's what nature intended. The campaign is out there because there are cultures and locations that haven't been educated about why breastfeeding is the healthiest way to feed your baby. There are also women that come from generations of formula fed babies that aren't educated about the alternative, and they deserve to be educated. They deserve to have that choice. Many women that desperately want to breastfeed also "dry up" because they were not educated on the proper way to breastfeed and maintain supply. That is heartbreaking to me.

I don't think formula feeders should be shamed...in fact, I think they do that enough on their own, as I don't think they would feel as if it was a guilt trip if they didn't already feel crummy about it on their own.

Formula is an acceptable alternative to breastfeeding, and if you are happy with your decision to formula feed then don't let anything get you down! If you wanted to breastfeed and ended up formula feeding - educate yourself for a different outcome next go around, but know you did the best you could with what you had.

 

[wookie130]

Breastfeeding is a "choice" until a woman chooses NOT TO, and then watch all types of shit hit the fan. All the sudden, they are "selfish" and don't want what's "best." If a woman CHOOSES not to breastfeed or attempt it, then she's denying her child.

That's a load of poppycock. Why is it necessary for you to understand all of the reasons why a woman wouldn't choose to breastfeed? Why can it just be none of your business? Must there be an explanation for the choices of others that fit your definition of how they should be conducting business with their bodies, their babies, and their families?

Oh, and a sidenote...which is it? Is breastfeeding a struggle, or is it SO MUCH easier than formula prep and messing with all of those bottles? Because I've heard both...and quite frankly, I'm confused. It's hard, yet it's easy. Heck if I know...

And is it really WRONG if a woman doesn't want to "ruin" her breasts? They are, after all, HER BREASTS, and God FORBID she have a say in what happens with them. What if she doesn't want to mess with feeding and pumping, and prefers making bottles instead? Why is this wrong? And screw the woman who actually wants to sleep, and actually not muck through the newborn phase as a sleep deprived zombie!!! The horror!!! Just because one can't relate to these reasons themselves doesn't make the reasons wrong...nor do any of these reasons mean that a woman is being a bad mother.

I will tell you what is "wrong" with all of the above. It's just different from how YOU would do it. I'm so sure lactivists REALLY care that much about my kids, and how he/she were fed as babies. Their kids are less fat, have higher IQ's, and are generally healthier from now until the end of time anyway, so why they're all fussed about my bottle babies, I don't know. The best thing they could do, would be to care about their own decisions, and let others make theirs without degradation. To hell with all of the judgeypants stuff.

Breastfeeding can be very wonderful, for a lot of mothers. And for others, it's a friggin' nightmare. I respect both sides of that fence, but it just isn't that important that other mothers do as I do. I'm secure enough in my parenting that I don't need others to do what I'm doing, lest they be "selfish" or doing it the "wrong way." Infant feeding is sort of one of those can't-screw-it-up type of things.

And then there's the ol' "you already are guilty deep down if you bottle feed, because you really know you're not doing what is 'best'" thing. Noooo...bottle feeders just have to listen to the breastfeeding "message" being pounded into their skulls, from every which way it seems.

Thank you for parachuting into the formula feeding section, and "educating" us on how beautiful breastfeeding can be, and what we're all missing out on. Your babies are SO MUCH MORE LOVED than ours. Gosh, can you imagine what would happen if I went into the BFing forum, and touted the benefits of bottlefeeding? I would be tarred and feathered RIGHT THERE, believe it. And for many women, there are BENEFITS to bottle-feeding, hard as that pill is for many to swallow.

 

[felix555]

As someone who struggles to understand all the reasons why anyone would not breastfeed, can someone enlighten me?

As I understand it, there are those that choose not to breast feed ahead of time for what I can only understand to be selfish reasons (not "ruining" breasts, not wanting to make the time to feed or pump, wanting to sleep longer during the newborn stage, thinking it's "weird" because they think breasts are only sex organs, etc...), and those who struggle with breastfeeding and choose to go the formula route instead of continuing to struggle. Do I think some women give up too early? Absolutely.

Breastfeeding is a struggle for most of us, including myself! I was breastfed until I was 4 and I really never entertained the idea of formula so I pushed and pushed past the pain and the sleepless nights. It did NOT come easily. Now it comes easy and painfree and I am so happy I stuck with it. I wish more women were able to prevail so they could have what I have. But what they do with their body and their child is none of my business.

Breastfeeding is wonderful. It provides benefits that last a lifetime - not just 6 months. It's what nature intended. The campaign is out there because there are cultures and locations that haven't been educated about why breastfeeding is the healthiest way to feed your baby. There are also women that come from generations of formula fed babies that aren't educated about the alternative, and they deserve to be educated. They deserve to have that choice. Many women that desperately want to breastfeed also "dry up" because they were not educated on the proper way to breastfeed and maintain supply. That is heartbreaking to me.

I don't think formula feeders should be shamed...in fact, I think they do that enough on their own, as I don't think they would feel as if it was a guilt trip if they didn't already feel crummy about it on their own.

Formula is an acceptable alternative to breastfeeding, and if you are happy with your decision to formula feed then don't let anything get you down! If you wanted to breastfeed and ended up formula feeding - educate yourself for a different outcome next go around, but know you did the best you could with what you had.

THIS is what I have the biggest problem with and why at the start but luckily not anymore I felt the need to explain and explain my struggle with breastfeeding in order for someone like you to be deemed it a long and hard enough struggle.

Eta- I also certainly don't "want what you have" not by a long, long shot. I have a toddler now, I put everything I have into raising him, I always have and feeding has been a very tiny bit of thay. I don't always feel I'm doing everything right and that's why I'm always striving to do better but I do ... I always up my game for him. I don't envy what you feed your baby

 

[Linnypops]

We're getting right down to the nub of it now. Selfishness. This is the stigma mothers are painted with whenever they choose to step outside of the archetypal western role of 'Mother' - selfless, no amount of pain or hardship is too much for her, her needs are secondary, her body is functional, her breasts belong to someone else (actually, that's not even being a mother, that's just being a woman), her dreams are for her children only. It is all feeding into this notion of what society believes a mother should be. Nobody questions whether a father is allowed to reserve his body for himself, or his dreams for himself, or his needs for himself. Noone considers him any less a father because of his autonomy.

It's the same thing as the schedule vs feed on demand argument, or the co-sleeping vs independant sleep argument. If you choose the route deemed 'selfish' you will quite often find yourself open to terms like 'abusive'. There are many many women for whom choices like co-sleeping and breastfeeding are simply convenient for them and their children and make everyone happy. Then there are others where it is tied up in their ideas about what motherhood is all about, it becomes a kind of martyrdom....and as wookie said earlier this is more about their needs and wants than anything to do with the child. I've heard women say 'I'm not ready to give up breastfeeding yet'. Which is totally fair enough but let's all be honest. All mothers whether they think they are behaving selflessly by being baby-led all the way or whether they reserve the right to some autonomy make these choices because THEY want to. It is ALL selfish if you want to reduce it right down.

Sorry, I have sort of rambled off topic here...but I think the roots of the breastfeeding thing go right back into all kinds of archetypal rubbish.

 

[Linnypops]

Also, it is presumptuous to assume that a mother who breastfeeds has 'something' with her child that mothers who formula feed do not have. Can you see how this opinion could be severely damaging to more vulnerable women who formula feed?

 

[leash27]

Breastfeeding is a "choice" until a woman chooses NOT TO, and then watch all types of shit hit the fan. All the sudden, they are "selfish" and don't want what's "best." If a woman CHOOSES not to breastfeed or attempt it, then she's denying her child.

That's a load of poppycock. Why is it necessary for you to understand all of the reasons why a woman wouldn't choose to breastfeed? Why can it just be none of your business? Must there be an explanation for the choices of others that fit your definition of how they should be conducting business with their bodies, their babies, and their families?

Oh, and a sidenote...which is it? Is breastfeeding a struggle, or is it SO MUCH easier than formula prep and messing with all of those bottles? Because I've heard both...and quite frankly, I'm confused. It's hard, yet it's easy. Heck if I know...

And is it really WRONG if a woman doesn't want to "ruin" her breasts? They are, after all, HER BREASTS, and God FORBID she have a say in what happens with them. What if she doesn't want to mess with feeding and pumping, and prefers making bottles instead? Why is this wrong? And screw the woman who actually wants to sleep, and actually not muck through the newborn phase as a sleep deprived zombie!!! The horror!!! Just because one can't relate to these reasons themselves doesn't make the reasons wrong...nor do any of these reasons mean that a woman is being a bad mother.

I will tell you what is "wrong" with all of the above. It's just different from how YOU would do it. I'm so sure lactivists REALLY care that much about my kids, and how he/she were fed as babies. Their kids are less fat, have higher IQ's, and are generally healthier from now until the end of time anyway, so why they're all fussed about my bottle babies, I don't know. The best thing they could do, would be to care about their own decisions, and let others make theirs without degradation. To hell with all of the judgeypants stuff.

Breastfeeding can be very wonderful, for a lot of mothers. And for others, it's a friggin' nightmare. I respect both sides of that fence, but it just isn't that important that other mothers do as I do. I'm secure enough in my parenting that I don't need others to do what I'm doing, lest they be "selfish" or doing it the "wrong way." Infant feeding is sort of one of those can't-screw-it-up type of things.

And then there's the ol' "you already are guilty deep down if you bottle feed, because you really know you're not doing what is 'best'" thing. Noooo...bottle feeders just have to listen to the breastfeeding "message" being pounded into their skulls, from every which way it seems.

Thank you for parachuting into the formula feeding section, and "educating" us on how beautiful breastfeeding can be, and what we're all missing out on. Your babies are SO MUCH MORE LOVED than ours. Gosh, can you imagine what would happen if I went into the BFing forum, and touted the benefits of bottlefeeding? I would be tarred and feathered RIGHT THERE, believe it. And for many women, there are BENEFITS to bottle-feeding, hard as that pill is for many to swallow.

I stepped out of this debate a while ago because I knew where it was heading but this is really annoying me! We aren't confined to certain areas of the forum because we choose to feed a certain way. I FF my son and am now BF my daughter so I like to think I may be able to offer an input in both sections. There are plenty of women who discuss FF in the BF forum too and to my knowledge, they are given nothing but advice and support with whatever they choose to do. No one is 'tarred and feathered' for having an opinion or making a choice.

Whether you intend it or not, a lot of what you say comes across like there is a 'them' and 'us' divide here when that simply isn't the case. The women who have breastfed and given advice when this thread started were very supportive of the OP and encouraged her to be happy with what she is doing and try not to feel guilty about it. I believe the thread turned a little sour when a PP implied that a BF child had died because the mother had a poor diet which was seemingly not the case.

Saying things like 'your babies are so much more loved than ours' will just fuel a debate like this and make things worse. As a BF mum, I find it offensive that you would imply we think this way.

X

 

[Ummi2boyz]

The problem is not bf mothers offering advice on this thread. Just like you I did both. But the OP asked for some support and some posts do just the opposite, and I think that's very sad.
However we can still open a thread on the debates section.

 

[wookie130]

I stepped out of this debate a while ago because I knew where it was heading but this is really annoying me! We aren't confined to certain areas of the forum because we choose to feed a certain way. I FF my son and am now BF my daughter so I like to think I may be able to offer an input in both sections. There are plenty of women who discuss FF in the BF forum too and to my knowledge, they are given nothing but advice and support with whatever they choose to do. No one is 'tarred and feathered' for having an opinion or making a choice.

Whether you intend it or not, a lot of what you say comes across like there is a 'them' and 'us' divide here when that simply isn't the case. The women who have breastfed and given advice when this thread started were very supportive of the OP and encouraged her to be happy with what she is doing and try not to feel guilty about it. I believe the thread turned a little sour when a PP implied that a BF child had died because the mother had a poor diet which was seemingly not the case.

Saying things like 'your babies are so much more loved than ours' will just fuel a debate like this and make things worse. As a BF mum, I find it offensive that you would imply we think this way.

Of course you're not REALLY confined to a certain area. I actually breastfed my daughter for a time as well, but I became primarily a formula-feeder, and my son has been exclusively on formula since the beginning. And as far as people going on the breastfeeding forum and talking about how wonderful bottle-feeding can be, I've never seen it, to be honest. What I do see, however, is a sticky thread at the top of the formula feeding forum home page, for women experiencing shame and guilt regarding not breastfeeding. While I think that's necessary because the shame and guilt are real, I think it's just sad that there are so many women who continue to feel so sad about having to use or wanting to use formula!

I wish there WASN'T a THEM and US divide, but the reality is, is that there seems to be only one side that matters to the masses...there are the breastfeeders, and then there's the "uneducated" and "selfish" (I'm being facetious, obviously) formula feeders. Of course a lot of moms fall in between, and a lot of moms don't even care, but I do care, as this has effected me...and the last post by Purplecupcake struck a nerve. It basically epitomized what is WRONG in the THEM vs. US debate...the superiority of one choice over another, and how a woman's reasons for making a choice could be "wrong." THIS is how the guilt and shaming comes to be.

What I've been saying, and have ALWAYS said, is that if you want to breastfeed and can, then more power to you. If you want to combi-feed, more power to you. If you want to formula feed for WHATEVER reason, more power to you. There is just no reason to say, "I just don't understand why anyone WOULDN'T want to breastfeed, or at least want to TRY." Ummm, there are lots of reasons, and none of them need to be explained to anyone, really, as it's a personal choice.

 

[Foogirl]

Oh I hate the "selfish" argument. As if breastfeeding is the most selfless act in the world. I got to have hours on end sitting on the sofa with my baby feeding. No-one else got a look in. And I got to eat guilt free cake and biscuits whilst my husband brought me tea and did the housework. Does that sound like a selfless act?

 

[catty]

Dont feel bad honestly, in a few months noone will even think about it. Generally when i go out i try and feed my child before so noone would actually ever know what i do.

I personally find breastfeeding easier purely because i can roll over at night, feed my baby and fall back asleep.

I have been a formula feeder from 3 weeks with my son. exclusively breastfed my daughter for the first few months and now i am a combi feeder. Believe me people have things to say about all of these options, try and take it with a pinch of salt.
The comments iv had from people are sometimes laughable. At the end of the day i honestly think it is more important what you feed your child once their off milk, iv seen children with horrible diets but were breastfed...

 

[wookie130]

Foo, I love it!!! Sounds rather dreamy to me, actually!

 

[wookie130]

Catty...you mean breastmilk with a side of Cheetos and fries isn't ideal? LOL!!!

 

[minties]

Baby being fed a nutritious source of milk + family is happy = fucking awesome. Go parents! You're doing amazing. Look at that thriving baby. They look so loved.

The first thing the "health visitor" asked me at my daughters two year check was "and are you keeping up with the breastfeeding?" With beady eyes and pen poised to note down my answer.

"Oh hell no. Stopped at 11 months. Phew".

I thought her mean little eyes were going to fall out and roll across the floor.

How could someone express relief at stopping the MOST IMPORTANT THING A MUM DOES?!? Was that really how my parenting was to be summed up? Two years of being the best parent I could be, and all she said was "well that is a crying shame" (nose wrinkled as she scribbled away). "I really thought you were going to make it".

Milk from a boob. Milk from someone else's boob. Milk from a tin. Milk from a tin that got prescribed by a doctor. Who cares. It's food.

 

[Foogirl]

Foo, I love it!!! Sounds rather dreamy to me, actually!

Yep. forget all the "breast is best" crap. "sorry honey, I can't move, bring me cake and run the Hoover over the living room, there's a love". That there is why I try to encourage more women to give breastfeeding a go. That and "No sorry mother in law, I can't share my brand new baby with you, she needs feeding"

 

[wookie130]

Now THOSE are benefits!!!!