Breastfeeding guilt trip at every opportunity?!

[Rcx]

Jees, so now I'm self wallowing? I had a baby SIX weeks ago, I am still feeling slightly fragile and emotional, I came on here like 2 weeks ago when I was only 4 weeks pp for a little rant and a bit of support to know I'm not alone and it gets better & I've sparked a bit debate, I then expressed I was feeling a bit upset at the way the thread has gone and I was again made to feel bad? I thought these boards were supposed to offer support and guidance? I think big debates should be kept for the threads that are asking for eifferent opinions etc!

 

[Rcx]

And thank you to the ladies who actually read my first post and decided to share their positive stories. I appreciate that and hope I too can offer them same support in the coming months to other mums feeling the same. X

 

[wookie130]

You're not self-wallowing, nor were you giving off the impression. That guilt is being inflicted on women from all sides...and it's truly terrible to do that to new moms. Never feel guilty for feeding your baby WHATEVER you feed.

 

[Ummi2boyz]

As long as you're feeding him coffee!!

 

[Ummi2boyz]

Sorry I meant *not feeding him coffee

Really joke apart, don't ruin this precious time you have with your baby like I did. Enjoy every minute of it. At that time I had nowhere and noone to turn to and it got me in PND sate.
Also I remember the mw at the pre-natal lessons when the course was about bf, she said that a formula fed baby with a serene mummy is better than a breastfed baby with a mummy who is stressed.

 

[wookie130]

^^^Yussssssssssss.

 

[fieryphoenix]

What right do lactivists have making formula feeding women feel less-than? They don't, yet it happens DAILY.

Nobody can make you feel a certain way, if you feel formula is fine and just as good as breastfeeding then that's fine and a (supposedly) incorrect warning on the label shouldn't bother you, but you seem very defensive about the whole ff or bf issue, its really just not that big of an issue whatever floats your boat I guess

 

[sethsmummy]

And thank you to the ladies who actually read my first post and decided to share their positive stories. I appreciate that and hope I too can offer them same support in the coming months to other mums feeling the same. X

Dont worry huni it will get better. you can see your baby growing and thriving every single day of the week and this proves that you are feeding your baby THE BEST because its helping them grow. Enjoy each and every moment of it sweetie because they grow so fast. And dont put yourself down if you have an off day.. because by hell we all have them xxxx

 

[wookie130]

What right do lactivists have making formula feeding women feel less-than? They don't, yet it happens DAILY.

Nobody can make you feel a certain way, if you feel formula is fine and just as good as breastfeeding then that's fine and a (supposedly) incorrect warning on the label shouldn't bother you, but you seem very defensive about the whole ff or bf issue, its really just not that big of an issue whatever floats your boat I guess

I disagree. The pressure and comments of others CAN and does make others feel ashamed and guilty. There are no warning labels on formula per se, just the statement that breastfeeding is best. (Again, I think this is wrong in the cases of many families!)

You're damned right I'm defensive about this issue. When my daughter was born, I was utterly bound and determined to breastfeed her exclusively. I struggled from the get-go with it, yet I just thought if I did what others told me to do, stuck with it, got support, and hung in there, I'd be fine, and it would get easier. Well, my daughter would not latch, and would claw up her own face, claw at my boobs, and scream in frustration. I saw 5 different lactation consultants. I pumped 10 times a day, and only ever got 5 ml of milk FROM both sides in a session. My daughter was ravenous, and becoming dehydrated, and losing weight. I cried night and day. This led to my suffering severely from a bout of PND that sucked the joy and bliss right out of the early days of my daughter's life. Finally, the last lactation consultant I had had me diagnosed with a condition called IGT, or insufficient glandular tissue, which means that I was never going to have a milk supply. I felt like less of a woman, a horrible mother, and just like a failure. Would I have felt any of these things if the guilt weren't coming at me from all sides to bf? And I am not alone. Lots of women suffer tremendously when it doesn't work out, and feel that shame.

I have come to learn a lot since then about breastfeeding vs. formula, and know now that it does make very little difference in the grand scheme of my kids' lives. There are those of you on here who don't think that this debate matters, or that it's of minimal importance...well, you're wrong. Mom-shaming sucks, and it can be a subtle...but it can do more damage than we'd ever care to admit.

So if I'm being viewed as unhappy, defensive, whatever, then that's on YOU. I'm actually happily feeding my 9 week-old son a nice warm bottle now. I can enjoy him, and know I'm doing what is best for him, me, and my family. I am now at peace, but I suffered a lot to get here. This happens to a lot of gals, so let's not minimize the effect that this debate has had on mothers.

 

[Foogirl]

wow, this has got a wee bit heated hasn't it?

The thing is, there are no doubts, for the first six months, breastmilk is absolutely the best nutrition and gives the best start. But formula does a good stand up job and provides most of what a baby needs. What's far more important is what is fed for the next fifteen years, and that those choices are what affects a persons diet for life. What's better, BM for 6 months then on to a diet of chips and nuggets, or FF for 6 months then on to a diet varied and full of proper nutrition?

Why do we get so worked up about what a person eats for 6 months?

 

[sethsmummy]

urg i give up trying to help explain this to people. PEOPLE NEED TO STOP STATING THAT BF IS BEST!

OP if i were you huni id just close the thread down. Please please feel free to pm me or even come along to my journal to let any feelings out! I will help you through this time as best i can hun

 

[halullat]

I bf, but what I always think of when "breast is best" is mentioned is this: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/ar...TWICE-feed-baby-pleas-help-went-unheeded.html

The pressure on new mums is immense, as long as your baby is fed please don't worry. I can understand the feeling of guilt, I had an emcs and have seen many times how a vaginal delivery is so much better for your baby, logically I know me and my son would not be here without it in most likeliness but it still hurts. I know that vaginal delivery should be the first choice but sometimes it doesn't work out and if I were to have another baby I would probably ask for an elective caesarian as this is what will work best in our situation.

The "breast is best" campaign will always be pointless when the support for women trying to establish breastfeeding is so poor, the message at present does serve to make women who have had poor support and so breastfeeding doesn't work out feel rubbish about it, when in fact it is not their fault. (I'm not sure how others who have always decided to ff feel about it all, as I assume they are comfortable with their decision so are less likely to be made to feel as though they have failed - not that they have in any way, but I know I felt I failed after my emcs no matter how incorrect that feeling was if that makes sense).

I struggled massively when I was trying to establish bfing and got very little support and nearly switched to formula (he was combi fed at first due to jaundice), he struggled to latch and it was agony, I remember crying every time he needed a feed, luckily for me it began to work just before I did stop trying to bf. Some people are lucky and have no issues with bfing but others aren't, formula isn't evil, your LO is healthy and happy and that is what matters. Try to remember that you haven't failed at all, your little boy is well looked after and cared for and that is what makes a good Mum, not the method of feeding him x

 

[misspriss]

I bf, but what I always think of when "breast is best" is mentioned is this: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/ar...TWICE-feed-baby-pleas-help-went-unheeded.html

The pressure on new mums is immense, as long as your baby is fed please don't worry. I can understand the feeling of guilt, I had an emcs and have seen many times how a vaginal delivery is so much better for your baby, logically I know me and my son would not be here without it in most likeliness but it still hurts. I know that vaginal delivery should be the first choice but sometimes it doesn't work out and if I were to have another baby I would probably ask for an elective caesarian as this is what will work best in our situation.

The "breast is best" campaign will always be pointless when the support for women trying to establish breastfeeding is so poor, the message at present does serve to make women who have had poor support and so breastfeeding doesn't work out feel rubbish about it, when in fact it is not their fault. (I'm not sure how others who have always decided to ff feel about it all, as I assume they are comfortable with their decision so are less likely to be made to feel as though they have failed - not that they have in any way, but I know I felt I failed after my emcs no matter how incorrect that feeling was if that makes sense).

I struggled massively when I was trying to establish bfing and got very little support and nearly switched to formula (he was combi fed at first due to jaundice), he struggled to latch and it was agony, I remember crying every time he needed a feed, luckily for me it began to work just before I did stop trying to bf. Some people are lucky and have no issues with bfing but others aren't, formula isn't evil, your LO is healthy and happy and that is what matters. Try to remember that you haven't failed at all, your little boy is well looked after and cared for and that is what makes a good Mum, not the method of feeding him x

Although that story is sad, it is hardly about breastfeeding. It is about failure to diagnose PND in someone who is begging for help with multiple warning signs. What does it have to do with "breast is best"? It seems she was combi feeding and it was helping? Was it because they tried to treat the immediate need of the hungry baby? Yeah, the hospital failed, but it isn't because they promoted breastfeeding, it's because they failed on doing anything else.

 

[wookie130]

What a sad article. I would agree that in this particular situation, the breastfeeding issue is secondary to the real problem, which would be the lack of support she received for the PND. However, breastfeeding struggles SURELY contributed to her state...it's pretty common. I went on to read the comments under the article, and others went on to talk about the shame and guilt associated with breastfeeding challenges. It is a real phenomenon.

Don't women have enough challenges as new mothers? Why must we pile on top of that a heaping helping of "FEED YOUR BABY______, NOT______" to the guilt?

It was a tremendous source of pain for me when I first became a mother, and I'm not alone in that. Can't we just do what we do, and leave what is "best" up to the mother, baby, and situation? Because it DOES vary, and it is not a one-size-fits-all thing.

 

[Linnypops]

I BF but FF for LO's bed time feed....I have a friend who had breast reduction and though she hasn't even given birth yet she's already assailed by the many messages about BF = superior to FF - trouble being like many women it might not be an option for her. I think the issue is that in order to put a positive spin on the benefits of BF'ing it automatically makes it look as though FF is negative, or at least you can't help but see that if they say BF reduces chances of allergy then they are automatically infering that FF'ing will have a higher chance of allergies. So, you feel like FF'ing is a bad thing....It's an upshot of the fact that FF'ing was promoted for so long they really had to go on a bit of a campaign to promote BF'ing...however I think right now we all know enough about both sides and instead of having breastfeeding workshops at hospitals etc we should just have feeding workshops. Talk about the positives of both situations etc, so women don't end up depressed and guilty if BF'ing doesn't work.

At the BF workshop I attended they even tried to put a positive spin on the finding that BF'd babies were more irritable than FF ones.! I thought that was a stretch.

 

[halullat]

Sadly the breast is best campaign was to do with her death (obviously is comes second to PND!) but so much of the emphasis was put on getting her baby to breastfeed that her mental health was ignored. If she had been told that it was okay for her baby to have formula it could well have eased some of the burden, of course she may well have found pressure elsewhere but women with PND don't need extra stress and if breastfeeding isn't working the NHS should be able to offer ff support in these instances. Saying I always think of this isn't accurate, I mean in cases where people are feeling guilt. I'm pro-breastfeeding but I also think it is vital that sometimes it should be accepted that it isn't the best option. Much of the article is describing how the treatment of breastfeeding came before the treatment of her PND, ideally both would have been tackled but if you are just going to target one it needed to be her PND and not her breastfeeding issues. Who knows, if her PND had been treated maybe it would have been easier to breastfeed? That was what I was trying to say.

I actually think it was great that they gave her breastfeeding support but things weren't prioritised correctly. Maybe I interpret the article differently and am taking it differently to you though, I also read it when heavily pregnant and hormonal so maybe I was a bit all over the place as I have a history of anxiety and OCD and was very worried about developing PND so maybe put myself in her place and instilled more of how I imagine she felt as you have probably read it more recently than I have so will have the more accurate feel of the article, but it stuck in my head and absolutely broke my heart x

 

[redneckhippy]

So honest question, what would be the best way to raise awareness in communities where there is a great deal of ignorance about breastfeeding and almost no one breastfeeds, without making those who have made an informed decision to formula feed feel bad?

 

[wookie130]

I think it's also important to acknowledge that for many women (yes, MANY), it doesn't matter HOW MUCH support we receive for breastfeeding...bodies are imperfect, babies are imperfect, and breastfeeding isn't necessarily as easy-breezy and "natural" for women as we're led to believe. Many women have babies who refuse to latch (my daughter), have lost their breasts to cancer or other surgical procedures, some have natural deformities of the breast tissue (ME!), are on medications that make breastfeeding unsafe, or just don't have a milk supply for one reason or another. This idea that it is what "nature" intended is damaging to women..."nature" isn't always the perfect solution to every conundrum. The difficulties that a lot of women experience in breastfeeding are real, and lots of moms have to make the choice...do they carry on with it, or do they move on, and do something different? Lots of women don't even have the OPTION of carrying on with breastfeeding...it just isn't meant to be for a lot of gals. And the sooner we admit that, and get real about that, and quit acting like breastfeeding is a cause worthy of self-martyrdom and sacrifice, and accept that it really is FINE for women to go the formula route, then a lot of this guilt thing will begin to dissipate for a lot of mothers. Because it IS fine!

Look, I like to frequent a lot of journals, and I've developed some really nice online friendships with a lot of ladies on BnB over the last few years. I have one particular friend whose journal I frequent, and several months ago, when she had her son, she was having trouble bfing her son. She was thinking of switching over to ff full-time, and one of her stalkers (who I may add is NOT even a mother at this point) began trying to persuade her to not "give up" on breastfeeding. I told my friend that whatever she decided to do was fine, and sometimes these things just don't work out, yadda, yadda, yadda. Well, the stalker began attacking ME in my friend's journal, and telling me that if I wanted to feed my child "poison" and "crap out of a can" that was my decision, and that obviously I didn't care about doing what was best for my child. I was utterly aghast and appalled by this, seriously. My friend and I ended up finishing the conversation via PM's, but to this day, I can't believe that happened. This behavior certainly does NOT advance the cause of breastfeeding, and it divides women.

For the record, I too am pro-breastfeeding. Like-wise, I am pro-formula. I guess you could say I am pro-"whatever works" for women. I've said this before, and I'll say it again -

I love and parent with my whole body and heart. Lets take the breasts out of it, and leave people to do what they have to do, without making them feel any certain way about it!

 

[wookie130]

So honest question, what would be the best way to raise awareness in communities where there is a great deal of ignorance about breastfeeding and almost no one breastfeeds, without making those who have made an informed decision to formula feed feel bad?

Well, if that's one's perogative to increase awareness about breastfeeding in certain areas, surely they could contact LLL (La Leche League), and perhaps gauge the level of interest in starting a local chapter, or creating an outreach with local medical professionals to hold free classes to expectant mothers? Just a few ideas, really.

One thing I've been wondering about, is how this happens on the formula feeding board...

Do formula feeders parachute into the breastfeeding threads, and try to convince breastfeeding moms that we're really doing okay by our kids? Maybe this does happen, but it is an honest question. Do any of you feel the need as formula feeders to go into the breastfeeding forum, to convince the breastfeeders that for us, we ARE doing the right thing for our babies and families? I just think that it's interesting...and again, I do think it boils down to the original guilt and mom-shaming thing that fueled the original topic of this thread. Lactivists have "the right" to push the "breast is best" message on a formula feeding thread about guilt, but formula feeders wouldn't dare to do the same in a breast feeding thread. It's really predictable what would happen...the formula feeders would be served another hearty portion of the "you know you're not doing what is best for your baby and that's really why you feel guilty" message.

No one knows what is best for my body, my baby, and my family. There is no one best way to do anything parentally that works for EVERYONE. Why feel bad about doing what YOU do?

 

[Rcx]

So honest question, what would be the best way to raise awareness in communities where there is a great deal of ignorance about breastfeeding and almost no one breastfeeds, without making those who have made an informed decision to formula feed feel bad?

Well, if that's one's perogative to increase awareness about breastfeeding in certain areas, surely they could contact LLL (La Leche League), and perhaps gauge the level of interest in starting a local chapter, or creating an outreach with local medical professionals to hold free classes to expectant mothers? Just a few ideas, really.

One thing I've been wondering about, is how this happens on the formula feeding board...

Do formula feeders parachute into the breastfeeding threads, and try to convince breastfeeding moms that we're really doing okay by our kids? Maybe this does happen, but it is an honest question. Do any of you feel the need as formula feeders to go into the breastfeeding forum, to convince the breastfeeders that for us, we ARE doing the right thing for our babies and families? I just think that it's interesting...and again, I do think it boils down to the original guilt and mom-shaming thing that fueled the original topic of this thread. Lactivists have "the right" to push the "breast is best" message on a formula feeding thread about guilt, but formula feeders wouldn't dare to do the same in a breast feeding thread. It's really predictable what would happen...the formula feeders would be served another hearty portion of the "you know you're not doing what is best for your baby and that's really why you feel guilty" message.

No one knows what is best for my body, my baby, and my family. There is no one best way to do anything parentally that works for EVERYONE. Why feel bad about doing what YOU do?

THANK YOU!!!!!!!
The whole time I've been thinking why people were coming on this thread in th FF section & banging on about breastfeeding is bestwhen All I've asked for it a little bit of support and people who've had the same experiences.
We would be shot down in flames for going into the BF forums and advising struggling women that FF is an option for them, yet they can hijack a thread in here and make me feel bad about my "choice" (and I use this word with a pinch of salt as I did not really choose to ff I had to as bfing failed for me).