Can I ask?

[AppleBlossom]

I don't think he does that... but then he won't tell me anything. Personally I think that's in fear of being caught out...

So could I just text him and say, I know you don't pay me enough maintenance and if you are going to lie to me about it I would rather go through the CSA... and then hope he admits it so I don't have to?

 

[Mervs Mum]

I would. Call his bluff. He probably knows how it works when you are on benefits. He's banking on you thinking anything is better than nothing.

 

[AppleBlossom]

I have text him basically saying I know he's lying and that I was going to go to csa. I don't expect a reply though. Just a mouthful of abuse when he comes to get Grace on saturday

 

[Mervs Mum]

If he sees that he can bullshit you he'll carry on. If he sees you arent taking his crap anymore he might get nasty but stick to you guns. God I WISH I had all those years ago.
Be strong.

 

[AppleBlossom]

I'm in two minds as the reason I want him to pay up properly is because I need the money desperately. If I didn't I'd tell him to jog on and keep it, on his conscience be it. But if I go through CSA I will get less anyway? But then like you say he'll keep bullshitting me anyway so don't have much choice. I am starting to stand up to him now anyway, starting with last weekends fiasco so hopefully he'll realise I'm not going to be a pushover!

 

[sparkswillfly]

I hope hes crapping his pants now thinking your going to the csa...

 

[Mervs Mum]

I understand hun. You cant win basically. Perhaps you could try to find out exactly how it works when you do go through them and are on benefits? He doesnt need to know you're weighing up your options....maybe the CAB would give you impartial advice on it?

 

[AppleBlossom]

I guess I could speak to CAB first. I don't want to go through them unless absolutely necessary but looks like I'll have too. I suppose at least then, even if I still don't get the full amount at least I have one over on him and that's always a bonus!

And Sam, he won't be crapping his pants cause he'll think I'm all talk... he'll see!

 

[embo216]

This what I've been thinking I worked out on the calculator thing the Child matience lady told me about that Paul should give me £75 a week for Lily and then when bean arrives goes up to £100 a week. He's giving me jack shit pretty much at the moment I know it's very early days and I will give it time but the only other way is to go through CSA isn't it and won't I only get £20 a week from them and they keep the rest because obviously I'll be on benefits. all a bit confusing to me. Seems you get screwed either way

 

[AppleBlossom]

This what I've been thinking I worked out on the calculator thing the Child matience lady told me about that Paul should give me £75 a week for Lily and then when bean arrives goes up to £100 a week. He's giving me jack shit pretty much at the moment I know it's very early days and I will give it time but the only other way is to go through CSA isn't it and won't I only get £20 a week from them and they keep the rest because obviously I'll be on benefits. all a bit confusing to me. Seems you get screwed either way

that's not right is it. What the hell is £20 going to buy? I do know that if you get paid say, £300 a month and for whatever reason your ex can't pay you that much anymore and can only pay you £150 you get the rest you should have got through income support. That's what they told me anyway.

 

[Mervs Mum]

You are screwed both ways ATM but in time when you are working, you'll be getting ALL of it....personally I'd look longer term. Now that might not be an option for Embo but if Bexy is planning on working in the near(ish) future, that might not be far off iyswim.

 

[Seraphim]

You might feel better / know what decisions you want to make once you find out all the numbers for all senarios. Mervs mum is right... could be a waste of energy trying to keep it all sweet :/

 

[embo216]

This what I've been thinking I worked out on the calculator thing the Child matience lady told me about that Paul should give me £75 a week for Lily and then when bean arrives goes up to £100 a week. He's giving me jack shit pretty much at the moment I know it's very early days and I will give it time but the only other way is to go through CSA isn't it and won't I only get £20 a week from them and they keep the rest because obviously I'll be on benefits. all a bit confusing to me. Seems you get screwed either way

that's not right is it. What the hell is £20 going to buy? I do know that if you get paid say, £300 a month and for whatever reason your ex can't pay you that much anymore and can only pay you £150 you get the rest you should have got through income support. That's what they told me anyway.

I know it's shit isn't it, he said he was waiting for a check to clear He better give me more on Saturday when he see's Lily next. I've got to go down JC on friday and sign all my papers and talk to the advisor person and stuff so I'm going to write down some stuff and just fire the questions at her! hehe

 

[AppleBlossom]

Well because I haven't got any money I am going back to my part time job soon. Although I can't work more than 16 hours without it affecting my benefits. And I only get £4.79 an hour so not much really. Better than nothing though I suppose!

 

[embo216]

Well because I haven't got any money I am going back to my part time job soon. Although I can't work more than 16 hours without it affecting my benefits. And I only get £4.79 an hour so not much really. Better than nothing though I suppose!

Do they help you out on the childcare for Grace? x

 

[AppleBlossom]

No. Going to see if we can come to some sort of arrangement where I tell them what days the following week I have someone that is able to look after her and then they can work me onto the rota that way. I've been working there since I was 16 so hopefully they will try and work something out for me. My dad works shifts and is sometimes of odd days in the week. Fingers crossed! I really hate working there but moneys money I guess!

 

[AppleBlossom]

You might feel better / know what decisions you want to make once you find out all the numbers for all senarios. Mervs mum is right... could be a waste of energy trying to keep it all sweet :/

I'm fed up of trying to keep him sweet, he's done nothing but cause me aggro from the minute he left so don't have any reason to be nice to him. I think at least csa might give him a kick up the arse!

And slightly irrelevant but out of all the texts he has sent me today about this, in not one did he ask how Grace was. He makes me so mad!

 

[Mervs Mum]

But the more you earn and work then you'll get working tax credits and help with child care? When me and Em's dad split I was on income support for about 3 months and I got our rent (I let him stay in the house we owned....yes I was THAT stupid) and council tax I think. I really wanted to get back to work so it wasnt for long but when I did go back, at first it was really hard and I was worse off but I didnt care. I got buses all over the place to drop Em off at nursery and then go to work but eventually, I got promoted at work and managed to get a little car. Over time things got better and better again and eventually I was back earning more than my ex ever had and it was ALL mine and Emily's Working tax credits came in and help with child care and we were doing well. Then I finally had the balls to stand up to her dad and tell the CSA the truth and I went from getting 17 quid a week to £300 a month.

edit - and then I bought my first house all on my own and that was mine and Em's too. You can do it if you set your mind to it!! I did!

 

[AppleBlossom]

I wish I had the balls to do all that Lisa! At the minute I really can't afford to be worse off than I already am... but hopefully things will work themselves out and I will end up having enough to get by I know it will be a long time before I can afford half the stuff that Jason can but just to be able to pay my rent, bills, food etc and not worry that I won't have enough left over to just live in general, like top up my gas card, buy Grace nappies/wipes etc incase we run out before the monthly shop... it's just a pain in the bum really!

 

[Mervs Mum]

I do totally understand hun. It effin shit when you are in the thick of it. None of it happened over night and TBH I had looooads more money those 3 months on income support than I did for a good 12 months after when it was just the two of us and me working full time and paying out nursery fees etc. But in the long run I am sooooo glad we did that. We ate value food and scraped by for what felt like a loooong time. I never would have imagined back then that just 5 years later I would be a single mum earning enough money to put my little girl into the best private school in the area. Seriously you can make it happen.