Can I ask?

[AppleBlossom]

I can't wait for the day I can turn around and say "All of this money is mine and I earned it!" I do hate living on benefits. Nothing wrong with it, I just don't like it. It's ok for Jason to say to me when I mention how skint I am "Well get a job then" but, as you know, it is hard to look after a baby single handedly as it is without bringing a job into the mix! He has lots of money not only of his but his family are minted. So he'll never be short. He has his posh new flat, his brand new car, goes out clubbing every weekend to a gay bar in Liverpool that is not cheap (£8 just to get in!) and he just swans around not giving a stuff that I am having to scrape every last penny I have in order to buy things like fruit and veg for Grace, just the basic things. It just pisses me off that he makes this big deal about not seeing her when in reality he couldn't give a toss, the only time he's bothered is on the day he sees her when he doesn't have a choice. If he knew we were struggling and he was any kind of man, well the one he says he is, he would offer to help me out

 

[Mervs Mum]

It's no consolation but my ex started off appearing to give a fuck but that soon slipped. How did we manage to pick them?? I mean we're fairly clued up arent we??

 

[AppleBlossom]

Lol we must have been having a bad day the day we met them If you had said to me this time last year all this would be happening I would've laughed at you.. funny hey?

As for the appearing to care... the other week he text me to ask how Grace was and then again the week after and me, being naive, thought, maybe he's got the hint now? However after also being all nicey nice to my face he then asked me if he could have her to stay over in his new flat. I told him no and he got all arsey. That was 2 weeks ago. Not had any "how is grace" texts since. Nice of him to only ask about her when he was trying to sweeten me up. Twat.

 

[jenny873]

be careful going through csa, u wont get everything he gives, and what he goes give sometimes gets took out your benefits, depending on situation x

 

[Mervs Mum]

Suddenly they become very transparent.......shits.....I feel slightly better since Em told him what a crap Dad he'd been last October and this time SHE doesnt want anything to do with HIM.....time is a great leveller.....

 

[AppleBlossom]

Hoping Grace will realise it herself one day too. I would never stop her seeing him. Just let her see what he's like for herself so she can make her own mind up. Bet that made you feel good though!

And funnily enough, still no reply to that message I sent him!

 

[Mervs Mum]

That's exactly how I've been. In fact I was the one chasing HIM to see her when he couldnt be arsed.... One thing I never did and I'd strongly advise you to, is I never bad mouthed him to her....OMG I reeeeeeeeally wanted to as she got older....she would say 'oh my dad is going to buy me XXX' or 'take me XXXXX' and I wanted to tell her 'that loser talks shit and is gonna let you down AGAIN' but I didnt......even though I was right and my god it hurt to watch him do it to her. Dont get me wrong I gave him holy hell at times but NEVER to her. I still remind of birthdays etc. I even asked her if she wanted me to take her to get a Fathers Day card.....

 

[AppleBlossom]

Oh god yeah, once she is able to talk and pick things up I won't say anything bad about him while she's around. It's not really fair. Like I said, she'll find out for herself one day, it's not up to me unfortunately.

Also, if I went through csa and he was meant to be paying me, say, £200 a month and he had only been paying £160, would they make him pay up all those months where he cut me short with £40 and backdate me?

 

[Mervs Mum]

Yes - I do know that for sure. I got all mine back dated for about 3 years he got to pay it in instalments. He wouldnt pay at first so they took it straight from his wages

 

[AppleBlossom]

Oh that's alright then. At least I would get something out of it I suppose I will have to wait till saturday now before he says anything about it anyway. He'l most probably be like "why are you talking to the csa?" and when I tell him he go on the defensive, telling me I'm stupid etc. Meh, he's the stupid one in all of this though, with his over lavished lifestyle compensating for the one good thing he could have had but walked out on!

 

[Seraphim]

Just a thought - maybe too hopeful - would he be able to get childcare vouchers via work? The ones you get before tax etc?

 

[AppleBlossom]

What are they? Don't think I've heard of them before

 

[Mervs Mum]

It's a tax breaks scheme. You buy vouchers straight from your wages so you dont pay tax and NI. You pay nursery with them.

 

[Seraphim]

Like MM said - Jas could buy them via work/claiming on his pay packet, essentially getting the state to pay a % of the cost.

So although he's paying most of it, it's topped up without him putting his hand in his own pocket... so you get a bit more, without him having to pay it.

The % would depend on how much he pays in NI and tax, maybe 25% ish.

Only helpful if you pay for childcare though, obv.

Not saying he shouldn't be coughing up anyway - but it might be one small way to get a little bit more help.

 

[AppleBlossom]

Oh right, I never knew about that. I doubt he would do anything that meant helping me out to be honest

 

[Maffie]

Right ive not read all the thread but id go through the csa if he refuses to sign then they have ways to get the info and if it comes to it, a court order can be put in place and it can be taken straight from his wage.

 

[Drazic<3]

Bexy - If there is anything you ever want to ask about CSA please feel free. I don't deal with loads and loads of it at work but we do have a CSA caseworker who I can ask. One thing we have noticed in the last few months though is a marked change in policy towards giving the mum the benefit of the doubt rather than the father. Oh, and they can do an earnings order where they can take up to 40% straight out there wages with no permissions.

 

[AppleBlossom]

Thanks. He he metioned my text about the csa when he came to get Grace earlier. He said he had spoken to them and that he actually pays me "an obscene amount, far more than I need to" Hmm, is he earning pittance then? Do you know if there is any way that the csa can find out what he should be paying me without him actually paying me through them iykwim?

 

[Mervs Mum]

You need to find someone who knows how they work it out.

 

[AppleBlossom]

Hmm. I don't want to go through them unless I'm 100% sure of what he should pay me... who would know though?