Can't admit to anyone else...

Discussion in 'Gender Disappointment' started by MemmaJ, Oct 29, 2016.

  1. Boo44

    Boo44 Mummy of 2 boys

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    I can understand you not wanting to be at work. Waiting is just awful. This time last year I was about 10/11 weeks and the days dragged as I was obsessed! I found it helpful to think to myself that MY baby whoever he or she was, was already a fully fledged little person even at that early stage and no amount of worrying over it would change what they were.
    Also in a way those early times were easier as I could still daydream that there was a chance baby was a girl :haha:
     
  2. sil

    sil Well-Known Member

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    Memma can I join you?
    I am 9+3 pregnant with my third and final baby. I have two wonderful ds but have a horrible longing for a girl. My in laws are already pressuring me about it being a girl (like I have any say over it) and I'm afraid to let everyone down including myself. I've always pictured myself with a little girl and knowing that this is our last baby I am just terrified that it won't go that way. How far along are you now?
     
  3. MemmaJ

    MemmaJ Well-Known Member

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    Course you can sil! I'm 10+5 today so only a bit ahead of you. Do you have your 12 week scan appointment?
    When are you going to find out - wait until 20 weeks or have a private scan a bit earlier?
     
  4. Boo44

    Boo44 Mummy of 2 boys

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    My FIL said to me 'a girl would be nice please!' before I was even pregnant. Sometimes when he's holding his grandson I wonder if he even remembers saying that...?
     
  5. MemmaJ

    MemmaJ Well-Known Member

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    I'm quite lucky, family (my own or in-laws) aren't really making comments.
    My brother has said once 'maybe it's a girl' when I said I've been really poorly (I don't see him much), and my brother in law said once 'hopefully it's a girl, but it doesn't matter' when we told him I was pregnant - that's really it..!
    My mum has said she thinks it's a girl but she has vascular dementia as a result of a stroke so I didn't take much notice or take it personally, lol!

    It's mostly been friends and work colleagues (the ones who know) - which is why I wish I just hadn't told anyone at work. I didn't last time, I kept it secret at work until 18 weeks last time when I couldn't hide the bump any more!
    Don't know why I just keep blabbing this time, so it's my own fault really..!
     
  6. Dannypop

    Dannypop Mom to Danny and Jack

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    Boo I am so glad you have joined on this thread because it truly is so important to hear the positive "survivor" stories. I say survivor not because of our own feelings but for having to survive society's pressures and opinions and comments.

    I am STILL infuriated by everyone's comments. That is why I have chosen to keep the gender a secret from everyone (apart from my immediate family) as I can now take in their opinions and almost have the last laugh at their guesses. It makes me so overprotective of my gorgeous boys. They are FIRST prize not second and if everyone knew I was having a girl they would make me feel like my boys are inferior. If I was having a 3rd boy I would have told everyone straight away so that I could get their pity out of the way.

    I met a lady over the weekend who has 2 boys and then a girl. I wish everyone was like her. She told me she wanted 4 boys. Her daughter has been such a blessing but she thinks all boys is just the best. If everyone was like that (whether saying all girls is awesome or all boys) and not all judgy, I probably wouldn't be as desperate for a girl.

    Sil and Memma, the wait is really the worst. Once you know you can move on and process and bond with your baby while pregnant.
     
  7. loubyloumum

    loubyloumum 2boys & cooking #3 :)

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    Boo, I can relate to your story too. When we were expecting our third child I was secretly hoping for a little girl. I also hadn't found out the gender in my previous two pregnancies but we went for a private scan at 16 weeks with our third and found out he was a he, I too, like you, was immediately in love with him and our two sons were elated at having another brother. I did have my moments with a few quiet tears but I couldn't have wished for anything more than the sweetest little boy we were blessed with.
    I thInk either way we are able to handle our outcome, I think then it knowing is the worst part. Memma and SIL, im hoping this time passes for you quickly.

    Danny we are yet to tell people the gender of this baby, only my mum and my best friend currently know. I can just imagine the comments we will get 'oh are you going to stop now you've got a girl' etc etc xxx
     
  8. Dannypop

    Dannypop Mom to Danny and Jack

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    Oh yes Lou! It's as if boys are an inconvenience to the main goal of "getting your girl" oh and that word "finally!"

    I actually so badly wanted a boy first and then followed by another boy so they could grow up together. And I feel like I have to defend that.

    I've seen a lady on here with 3 boys terrified to have a 4th baby in case it was a girl. She wanted 4 boys. Imagine the people who look at her and say, "shame she tries 4 times".
     
  9. sil

    sil Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for letting me join :)

    My 12 week scan is booked for December 19 (I'll be 12+3) but they give no gender hints at my office. I am booking a private scan at 16 weeks to find out. I am really anxious about it but trying not to be.

    I keep telling myself it'll be ok if it's a boy and reminding myself how much I love my two boys now but then I always start crying imagining a third boy and then feel horribly guilty because I know how lucky I am to have these healthy babies but I just can't help it. I know in my heart I'd love another little boy, but I also know I'd have a huge mourning period for not having that dream of a girl come true.

    My parents don't mention gender either way but the very first thing my in laws said when we told them we were pregnant was "we are going to have two great big protective brothers for their little sister!"
     
  10. Dannypop

    Dannypop Mom to Danny and Jack

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    Aw sil that is so upsetting that your in-laws would say that! The assumption makes it seem like anything else just won't do!

    My poor MIL (who I adore) who has 2 boys and 2 girls would always say "so long as the baby is healthy" and I was like, "Easy for you to say! You have 2 of each!" My mom totally gets me and she couldn't even have babies, she adopted me.

    I know how terrified and anxious you feel for the scan. I just knew I would be more nervous that day than on any other day in my entire life! But when the time actually came, I was utterly calm.

    I think it might just have been self-preservation mode and I had numbed myself, but I really was so focused on the little organs and the brain and everything as the doctor scanned me. I thought all that would pass in a blur and I wouldn't much care (as AWFUL as that is) until I knew the gender. When she got to the potty shot and I was able to see for myself it felt totally surreal and numb still!

    I know I would have cried and cried alone if it was a boy and then after a few weeks totally bonded with him and this will be the same for all of us. But the main thing is to allow ourselves to feel what we feel and let it all out.
     
  11. MemmaJ

    MemmaJ Well-Known Member

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    Haven't posted on this thread for a while as I've been struggling a bit.
    I've been signed off work this week: on paper because of my nausea, but I also wanted to be signed off because of how low I'm feeling (although I didn't say that). I just can't cope with work at the moment and seemingly being unable to keep my mouth shut while I'm there!

    It's still 9 days until my 13 week scan. I've really been brushing up on the Nub Theory and I think I'm pretty good with it now, but being in such a 'negative' mindset at the moment I've now convinced myself that I won't even get a Nub shot anyway. That would be just my luck, so I'm convinced that none of the pictures will have a visible Nub.
    I keep playing out the scan scenario in my head and picturing myself getting on really well with the sonographer and asking for a Nub shot and/or a cheeky potty shot, but I know in reality I would never have the guts to ask so I just feel like I'm still not going to have any clue after the scan - and then the long wait will begin again until the next scan; which I've also convinced myself will be unsuccessful as the baby will have its legs crossed or something!

    Yes I'm just a bundle of laughs at the minute, haha!
     
  12. Dannypop

    Dannypop Mom to Danny and Jack

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    I could have written your post. I over-played in my mind how the 13 week scan would go -what the doctor would say, how I would organise my reaction and how I would try not to seem too desperate to find out the gender. Would I even get the shot etc etc

    Of course you are worried about not being able to get the shot you want. And of course you fear you won't even be able to ask the sonographer. And maybe he/she is unfriendly and maybe you feel embarrassed etc. None of these things you can control or predict. I can't say to you, "Oh just ask them -who cares what they think, this is your baby, your one shot etc" but I know in that situation what I am like too.

    I am a firm believer in positive thinking however (sorry that sounds so naff!) so just send good wishes out to your scan day. Don't imagine the details, just try picture a general feeling of happiness, calm and success. As loopy as that sounds it really worked for me. Once I realised I couldn't possibly control or picture the actual day, I pictured a calm and happy feeling and held on to that!

    Hope that helps. Thinking of you!
     
  13. Boo44

    Boo44 Mummy of 2 boys

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    Thing is whether you can see a nub or not, that baby inside is already a boy or a girl and no nub or picture or worry will change that xx
     
  14. MemmaJ

    MemmaJ Well-Known Member

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    Thank you Danny, that does help :)

    Yes I know Boo, but I really want a Nub shot because I need something to focus on/analyse until I have my gender scan in another 4 weeks.
    I am a terrible over-analyser and it'll give me something to analyse in the meantime, as I know the weeks are going to continue dragging.
    I'd love to be able to post a nice clear picture and get people's gender guesses etc, and it's going to be the longest 4 weeks ever if I have nothing to go on :-(
     
  15. Jessicahide

    Jessicahide Well-Known Member

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    Sorry to hear you are struggling so much xx :( Its very difficult xx We are all here cheering you on x
     
  16. Boo44

    Boo44 Mummy of 2 boys

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    I definitely understand and was exactly the same. I have type A OCD so my life is one big analytical situation lol. The worst thing about mine was that I put it in here and had 99% girl guesses so between 12 and 16 weeks I really had quite high hopes! Like Jessica said we will all be here to help analyse lol
     
  17. Dannypop

    Dannypop Mom to Danny and Jack

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    I too love analyzing everything and it's gotten worse as I get older! I never used to be so OCD. We all completely understand that need to hold on to something concrete that you can physically examine and find answers in while you wait for the gender scan. Even if those answers/guesses lead you up the garden path you still feel a bit more in control and that helps in the interim.

    I have a scan this morning at 17 weeks with my OBGYN. I have been counting down the weeks for this scan too as I know how often people get told girl and it turn a out boy. A lady I was chatting to just last week had the exact same doctor that I went to at 13 weeks tell her at 13 weeks that she was 90% sure girl and it was a boy! That was 9 years ago but still. I am nervous!!

    I did read a lovely thing about how until we have met our baby the only thing we know about them is whether they are boy or girl so that is largely why we focus entirely on gender. I agree, but it's never about the child we ARE having. It's about the child we AREN'T.
     
  18. MemmaJ

    MemmaJ Well-Known Member

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    Oh how exciting Danny, make sure you update us!

    I have terrible insomnia at the moment, and in today's 4am 'wide awake' party I concluded that I'm also probably going to be measuring behind at my scan next week and going to be put back.
    So not only will the Nub not be accurate even if I do see one, but I'll also have to put my gender scan back and wait even longer.
    I have no reason to think that, it's just how irrational I am right now 😆

    Although having said that, baby was measuring 7+2 on scan when I should have been 7+5 but I took no notice really as I figured it would probably catch up by the 12 week one - but I guess it could go the other way too..?! So maybe I DO have reason to think that!
     
  19. Midnight_Fairy

    Midnight_Fairy New baby J

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    I measured behind on early scans but had original DD back at 13 weeks. Did you see the blood tests available? To find out early?
     
  20. MemmaJ

    MemmaJ Well-Known Member

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    Oh I hope I'm the same...
    Yes I've looked into those but you can only get them privately here In the U.K. unless you're High Risk for abnormalities, and they're very expensive privately!
    There are other companies I found online that claim to be able to tell just gender and nothing else from maternal blood for much less money, however I looked into their reviews and they all seem to be very hit and miss! Lots of incorrect genders given!
     

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