Could use a buddy

[haribo813]

Hey girls, just wanted to update you on how my dr's visit went. I had a swab, a scan and blood tests done. The scan was a bit grim mid AF and with male doctor-thanks for the warning guys! But they showed me my womb and ovaries on screen which was quite cool. It did feel like there should be a baby in there though, I'm so used to seeing scan pictures of bumps! Anyway, apparently if you have 5 follicles in each ovary in a given month, that's good. Well I have 10 in each ovary at the mo so that can only be good. Next steps are OH doing a test again and us both seeing a specialist on Fri 21 Sept to discuss next steps.

I have spent a whole weekend surrounded by pregnant friends but feel fine about it. Now I am ploughing on with interview prep for tomorrow-can't say I am looking forward to it but will be glad to get it over with. It's a bank holiday in UK today so am grateful for that!

Hope all is well with everyone. Sashimi, all the luck in the world for today-hope it goes really well and let us know!

How is everyone else doing? Sleepy, when's your appt? You are hot on my heels! Lauren hope you're feeling pregnant but not too nauseous! Pino, what's new with you? And Country, how long until you find out the sex now?! Treasured hope you're still enjoying some nice lovin' with OH!

xxxx

 

[treasured]

haribo- soo glad your appointment went 'quite' well haha, except from the AF male doctor thing! But great news about your follicles! If you're double what is needed then that can only be amazing?! Im sure OH will be fine and there will be a simple way to help you guys out! Glad you're not feeling to bummed out by the pregnant friends! Maybe it will bring you luck your ovaries will see all those preggers ladies and think right we need to pop a good one out! Haha! And gooood luck for tomorrow! Seems like a few of us are in job situations at the moment, you'll do great I dont get this bank holiday off, im going to work in a minute . I do plan on getting some major lovin on this week hehe cause we have quite a lot of time together (for once right around O!) xx

 

[lxb]

Haribo - being around pregnant friends can be hard sometimes. Hope those pregnant dust are rubbing off onto you!

Sashimi - thinking about you! Hope you are feeling okay

Treasured - nice!! It's always great to spend extra time together during o time because that could just be your ticket to your bfp!

Lauren - is it next week yet??

 

[SashimiMimi]

Hi Ladies. I did my retrieval yesterday and it all went really well. Being consciously sedated was such a surreal experience, I felt totally out of it all day yesterday. OH got to be in the room, but apparently I was screaming out in pain the entire time and he fainted!!! They made him go on the corner and lie on the floor during the whole thing. I was really pleased and was feeling really optimistic because they got 14 eggs!

Well the bad news came about an hour or two ago. I got my fertilization results and they are not good at all. Out of the 14 eggs, 9 were good enough to work with. So they did ICSI (which is manually injecting the sperm into the egg) on 5 eggs and only 1 survived. And then they allowed 4 eggs to try and fertilize naturally and only 2 survived. The remaining eggs were unusable. So after all that we ONLY got 3 eggs!!!

The clinic told me flat out it is not a good result and not what they were hoping for. You want to have a higher number of eggs because even after fertilization, they don't always all survive. I am beyond devastated and have literally been on the floor sobbing uncontrollably for the past 2 hours.

I don't think I can even describe to you what I have put my body through over the past month. What taking all those injections has done, how crappy its made me feel, the emotional highs and lows, the strain on my marriage, the financial burden, and for what? 3 eggs that may or may not survive until Wednesday! I know 3 eggs is better than none, and the woman I met at the fertility group who goes to my doctor only had 2 eggs and IVF worked for her.

But basically, we will have no eggs to freeze. We have one shot and one shot only should those eggs survive to my transfer date on Wednesday. I actually feel like I just want to curl up and die right now. This really sucks and there isn't a damn thing anyone can do about it!

 

[lxb]

dear sashimi... wish i could give you real life hugs right now! There's no words I can use to describe my emotions for you. I'm crossing EVERYTHING i've got for those eggs to be good for your egg transfer date.. and it will soon to be your perfect little bean and baby~ I have good feelings on this for you. Aug 29th is one of our good family friend's birthday.. and it shall be a great date!

 

[SashimiMimi]

Thanks LXB. I just wrote and heard back from that woman I met at the fertility group. She only had 7 eggs retrieved, 5 fertilized and 2 made it to transfer. This actually gives me very little hope that we will make it to the transfer.

So I'm officially in the middle of a meltdown. I told OH that I can't live a life, where we go to work, come home, try to figure out dinner, OH plays hockey, we go to sleep, get up, go to work, eat, come home, sleep, eat, work, sleep, eat, work, sleep, with no family to come home to. It's POINTLESS!!!!! I only took on my new job to pass the time until I get a BFP. I cannot imagine continuing to work there with no BFP in sight and especially if we have to continue on those long STUPID infertility road.

So I started panicking and pacing back and forth and am currently insisting that I'm going to go traveling on my own. I'm going to go to India and Haiti and volunteer in third world countries. Oh says I'm getting ahead of myself, but it's something I've thought in the back of my mind if this didn't work.

I has SUCH high hopes for this. I never imagined we would get such a low fertilization rate and now we are facing the reality of maybe not even making to to transfer!!!! I absolutely can't handle it! I am now officially broken!!!!

 

[Pino6161]

Sash--- My heart goes out to you

I know right now everything seems so bleak. I am praying you get your much needed BFP though. People beat the odds all the time, and I hope this is one of them. I don't have many words that help, but I want you to know that we are all here for you no matter what.!!

 

[treasured]

oh god sashimi im soooo sorry that this was not the outcome that you wanted to get. I know how much faith you have put in different methods and how much effort has gone into this process from your part, but if you can just try to cling to that little bit of hope that we all have left for you atleast until your transfer it will help you through these next couple of days. I agree with your OH that you shouldnt rush into any new plans yet, but I do totally understand why you want a backup, theres no way I could face the possiblity of it not working without having somthing to fall back on. But I do actually beleive that this will work for you! 3 is deffinately better than none and there is every chance that one of them will be your miracle baby. I wish we could all give you real hugs but try to use the support of OH rather than fighting at this time because im sure this is affecting him badly too dont lose hope yet, we all are truly thinking of you from our hearts and I cant offer you anything but all the support that you need. xxxx

 

[treasured]

also.. why do you have to wait that long for them to be transfered ? I dont know much about it of course but couldnt they do it on the same day to make sure they survive? sorry if its obvious that this cant be done but I am annoyed that your chances might be even less due to the wait!

 

[lauren26]

Sashimi, There is nothing anyone can say to make all of this go away, you are right! But we all love you and are praying, visualizing, crossing every part of our bodies that can be crossed, and knowing that your BFP will come somehow! I agree that three eggs is better than none, though it is never good news to hear bad news, of course! But these ladies are right--miracles happen every day and people beat the odds constantly. I will be thinking about you a lot over the next few days and I hope that you let it out with your ladies! I totally get wanting a backup plan. I hope that you don't need to use it! I wish we could all come and puppy pile on you right now and give you a million hugs!

 

[SashimiMimi]

Thanks ladies. I just don't have it in me to get my hopes up. I was so excited and optimistic this whole time, and for what? 3 eggs that may or may not make it? I tried to have a long-term plan discussion with OH because I really think its game over for this round. This caused a huge argument and he stormed off asking that I don't speak to him again for the rest of the day.
I've been through some real crap in my life, but this is quite possibly the lowest moment of my entire life. I've never felt as alone or isolated as I do right now.

 

[Pino6161]

Sash-- usually when men get upset it comes out as anger they have no one or no where to vent, so they take it out in the spouse. That is how my OH is. Try not to dwell, it will just make it worse. I know what you mean about not getting your hopes up, but without an inkling of hope, we have pointless lives.

 

[lxb]

sashimi - *HUGS*!! I'm with lauren... and wish we can all come and puppy pile on you and give you a million hugs! Hope you and OH are able to calm down as soon as possible. both of you are definitely drained emotionally and the news just made every little bit you have left stretched not only to its limit but beyond. please vent all your emotions out to us crazy ladies and we are ALWAYS here for you. kick those crazy emotions out of your system right now to this thread... so you'll have room for your little sticky bean on wednesday~

 

[lauren26]

Yes!! WSS ^^!! Let it all out...and eat a gallon of ice cream if needed! I am so sorry you're going through this--it's totally not fair and doesn't make sense!! I am thinking of you.

 

[SashimiMimi]

Holy hell!!!!!!!!! My doctor just called me and said that he thought 3 eggs was great. He told me that the nurse I spoke with should never in a million years have told me that 3 eggs was bad. He was completely livid! And it sounds like that nurse will be pulled aside and spoken to. Honestly, I was not calling to get anyone in trouble but when I heard we got 3 eggs and she said "No 3 eggs is not good, it is not a favorable result" I felt complete shock and devastation. If she had said, it's not good or bad you will have to speak to your doctor to confirm, I wouldn't have reacted by telling my OH that I am quitting my job and moving to India. The doctor was so apologetic that we were as upset as we were and assured me we would make it to transfer. He said with 3 eggs that we could transfer 1 and freeze two, or transfer two and freeze 1. Gah! I'm still nervous that they will all die off, its almost easier for me to assume now that it is game over than get my hopes up. But with the doctor's assurance that I have nothing to worry about, I have a bit of cautious optimism. The only thing I want to do now is guzzle a giant glass of wine!!!!

 

[Pino6161]

Sash--- As I always say “There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. You may have to get hit by a bus first, but you will find the light” The way I see it, you got hit by your bus, bring us the light!!!

 

[SashimiMimi]

I love that saying Pino, because after today I feel like I have been hit by a bus. I literally sat in one place, unable to move and cried all day. I'm terrified even still they will call me with bad news tomorrow, although I do feel reassured after speaking to my doctor. All the emotional stress was too much for me that I threw up in the shower.

OH and I ended up going out for dinner tonight and we agreed not to talk about IVF. It was great to have a mini date and realize we actually still have other things to talk about. I'm really bloated and still in quite a great deal of discomfort after the retrieval and OH kind of pointed out my swelled stomach "bump." I felt really self-conscious and sat my my purse on my lap during the entire meal!!! It's okay, he didn't go into work today and tried to shave in a "casual" beard that makes him look like he has a triple chin. I had no problem informing him of this!!

So I'll be waiting by the phone tomorrow. The doctor said I WILL get a call with my transfer time, so I can only pray that he is right and I don't get blindsided with more devastating news!!

 

[preg_pilot]

Sending all the positive energy I can spare to you sash

 

[countrygirl86]

Sashimi, I'm so glad your doctor took the reins and clarified about the eggs. It must have been absolutely devastating yesterday. You are emotionally, spiritually, physically drained. BUT you are one of the most determined people I've met! If you are losing your strength, we'll make it up for you. In all of our parts of the world, we'll be rooting for Team Sashimi/Crazy Lady Extraordinaire! I can't believe everything you've been through, there have to be only good things to come to you. I know you don't want to get your hopes up but have you decided if you'll do one or two this round? Or does your doctor decide that? I wish we could all puppy pile you

 

[SashimiMimi]

Thanks, Country!! You are so sweet. ALL of you are SO sweet! Every time I think about the puppy pile, it makes me LOL and smile. Not only because it is an incredibly kind gesture, but just picture a bunch of grown women piling on top of each other! HAH!!!!!

I have not heard anything from the clinic yet, but it's only about 10:30. I feel better emotionally today, but I'm still very nervous. I keep trying to remember that IVF is about quality, not quantity and I pray those little eggies will hang on until tomorrow. I'm still sad we only got 3, but it only takes one to make a baby, right?

I'm not sure how many the doctor will transfer, but if there are two good ones, I'm pushing for two. I'm obviously not a fertility expert, but doing all this for one embryo transfer seems like a lot. Plus I've met a couple people lately who had two transferred, one died off and one survived. I just want to do whatever will give us the best chance.

Country I can't believe your baby is the size of an onion now!!!!