Dealing with azoospermia?

[rdleela]

Unfortunately, I don't know if you ever learn how to cope with all the pregnant girls around you. I've been dealing with azoos since last January (can't f'en believe it'll be a year soon) and I still feel like someone punched me in the gut everytime I hear of another pregnancy. I pretty much totally avoid facebook, and I avoid pregnant girls and baby showers and all that stuff as much as possible. Then you get depressed b/c you can feel yourself pulling away and isolating yourself.

A very good friend that I work with got pregnant (first month of BC) last January, right after I found out about azoos for us. She was great and told me she was preggo right away (she's been the most supportive!) BUT the absolute worst part was 3 months later when she was showing and telling people, that month was SOOOO painful, hearing everyone else shriek in absolute joy for her, was the hardest thing ever. Many times I could barely stop myself from crying and ran to the bathroom. It's NOT easy, and doesn't get much easier, just DO NOT FEEL GUILTY for feeling this way. ALLOW yourself to feel this way, it's normal. You are not upset that they are pregnant, you are upset that you AREN'T pregnant. Cry your guts out and talk to people who truly support you!!! Surround yourself with people who are willing to listen - they might even be pregnant people! lol You just don't want to be around when they tell other people!

 

[Stinas]

Chickensoup - DH has an apt at the end of the month.....so I am guessing he will take more blood work then? I dont really know how he will see if it was effective. DH just called the doc for the prescription...the doc had said when we want to do it just to call. I am guessing he will find out more when he visits him.
They will not remove the cyst....doc said he was probably born with it. There is no need to worry about it and it will not cause any harm in the future. I have decided he should still get it checked every so often....better safe than sorry I believe.
Doc is hoping it will kick start his production....so more sperm when doing TESE. When I asked him if this will help them come out naturally, he said he highly doubts it, but a little hope wont hurt I guess. Its not a stupid question.....I asked it!
Its hard seeing people around me get pregnant too....its just natural to feel this way. I tend to find myself thinking "why me?" "what did we do to deserve this?"...etc. It is what it is at this point. Everything happens for a reason I guess. You cant torture yourself about it all. Easier said than done, but its just not healthy to lose yourself in this madness! We are healthy and thats what really matters.

 

[BettiS]

Well girls, today is D day! Our appointment at the FC is in 5 hours...

I don't know whether to stress about it or be excited. I can't help but be scared since we have had SOOO much bad news over the past 4 months and another bad tiding will be devastating. I wish we could get good news regarding TTC just ONCE!

Will post again tomorrow to tell you about the appointment.

 

[Soili]

Betti, good luck with your appointment!! I hope there will be something reassuring for you to hear! FX!!

 

[Soili]

rdleela, I get by just avoiding thinking about pregnancies and such

In the beginning the whole thing about some girls getting pregnant first month off the pill was really tough to deal with. But since I've learned that for every case like that there's another where the couple have tried for years and another where the baby came from IVF, it got much better for me to handle. It might be weird, but hearing about other people going through tough times with TTC is making me feel less like an exception to rule. I absolutely do not wish TTC struggles on anyone! In ideal word, we all should get pregnant as soon as we decide that we're ready. And no one should get pregnant, if they don't wish too. But heck, it doesn't work like that. So I'm just eternally grateful for the internet and being able to reach out for support

 

[deafgal01]

Betti- good luck! thinking of you with the appt today.

As for the how to deal with excited pregnant chatter, I have my good and bad days. There are occasions I turn down going to a shower cuz I don't want to be reminded of our difficult journey right now and like others have said I cry/get upset because I haven't gotten pregnant yet (not because they are pregnant). I avoid it a lot.

As for talks of people saying "you're next" - I just politely nod my head because our time will eventually come and they will be just as excited when it does happen. To some (like family members and friends who ask when I am having a baby), I just say oh it's up to God, I'm ready whenever it's time. Just waiting on Him (point to sky).

Any of you notice your faith wavers in this journey? Mine definitely has- I have days when I am angry and say why me? And then I have other days I hope for a stupid miracle that I know will never happen unless I get a dr's help.

 

[Chickensoup85]

Thank you for your replies. I feel better knowing its normal to feel like ths and not me being completely unreasonable, selfish and nasty. You're right, it's not that I'm not happy for them, it's that I'm sad for myself. OH doesn't get that; he doesn't understand why it should effect me at all! Still, least we have each other to talk to!

Betti, I hope all went well today and you received some good news!

 

[BettiS]

Hey ladies

So yesterday went fine, FS is REALLY nice! He felt DH's testes and did an internal ultrasound on me, and asked us EVERYTHING about my cycle and DH's childhood, puberty, whether he grows a full beard and how often he has to shave, etc. He says I'm ovulating beautifully and he showed me a follicle and a corpus luteum that I could actually see clearly (I couldn't see it with my OB in July at all although my OB said it was there...maybe the FS's ultrasound machine is better).

He recommended a testicular biopsy asap and since we can't afford it right now we'll be doing it in March / April. In the meantime, DH is now on special vitamins to try to maximize production if there is any. He felt DH's testes while I was undressing for the U/S and then came to me while DH waited.

While alone with me FS said that unfortunately DH's testes were much smaller than normal and that the chances of finding sperm are slightly lower than with some other patients he's had. He then spoke to me about donor sperm, and then when we joined DH we also discussed it a little bit. However, the FS assured us that he would do EVERYTHING in his power to help us conceive a biological child.

DH was very down in the dumps for a while after the appointment but we talked about it and decided to put on our battle armour and fight this war with everything we've got. Sooo...IF they find sperm in March/April they will freeze it and we'll probably only be able to do ICSI towards the end of next year or the start of 2014. So here's to waiting...

 

[deafgal01]

That is progress Betti! Hope you are able to get the dreams of having dh's biological child!

 

[BettiS]

PS.

The ladies who did dIUI:

Are you telling anyone (e.g. the family)? Are you keeping the fact that you used donor sperm a secret? Would you tell your child one day?

 

[silverbell]

Unfortunately, I don't know if you ever learn how to cope with all the pregnant girls around you. I've been dealing with azoos since last January (can't f'en believe it'll be a year soon) and I still feel like someone punched me in the gut everytime I hear of another pregnancy. I pretty much totally avoid facebook, and I avoid pregnant girls and baby showers and all that stuff as much as possible. Then you get depressed b/c you can feel yourself pulling away and isolating yourself.

I couldn't agree with this more. It's been 1.5 years since we found out about DH's azoo and 11 months since we found out he doesn't produce any sperm at all (biopsy results) and it's still difficult. In a way I've found it more difficult the longer it goes on. I feel very left behind and very sad and incredibly jealous and I'm just not a jealous person normally. I've had to hide all the ladies with young children on my FB for the time being as every time I went on I was just inundated with pictures of these gorgeous children and babies and although they melted my heart they really weren't helping me feel any better. It's such a difficult thing to go through and I don't think you would be normal if you didn't react in this way to other people's pregnancies. Life seems incredibly unfair when so many around you are able to do something so seemingly easily and naturally.

While alone with me FS said that unfortunately DH's testes were much smaller than normal and that the chances of finding sperm are slightly lower than with some other patients he's had. He then spoke to me about donor sperm, and then when we joined DH we also discussed it a little bit. However, the FS assured us that he would do EVERYTHING in his power to help us conceive a biological child.

DH was very down in the dumps for a while after the appointment but we talked about it and decided to put on our battle armour and fight this war with everything we've got. Sooo...IF they find sperm in March/April they will freeze it and we'll probably only be able to do ICSI towards the end of next year or the start of 2014. So here's to waiting...

I must say it's nice that the FS didn't come out and tell your DH he has small testes. Ours did Talk about a knock to a guy's confidence. On top of the worries we had due to the 0 SA he then started feeling physically inadequate and that he wasn't like other men. It sounds like you have a good FS there and I do hope you're able to conceive biologically together in the future.

PS.

The ladies who did dIUI:

Are you telling anyone (e.g. the family)? Are you keeping the fact that you used donor sperm a secret? Would you tell your child one day?

As soon as we decided we were going to go for donor sperm if DH's biopsy showed 0 sperm, we told both sets of parents and our siblings. We didn't want to feel we had anything to hide or be ashamed of and we also didn't want to 'spring' it on them one day. We wanted them to be prepared and perhaps to understand the difficult journey we were going through and would continue to go through. They were all incredibly supportive. Should IVF work for us (IUIs didn't, unfortunately) then we shall certainly be telling our children right from the start. We want to be open and honest and for them to just grow up thinking it's normal rather than finding out later in life or by accident. It's a very, very personal thing though and not every couple will feel the same. You need to do what's right for the 2 of you. You will both have to have a counselling session prior to using donor sperm and this can be a time to discuss any issues or concerns, as well as thinking about things you might not have thought about before (such as the fact that your child may have 10 half-siblings or more out there in the world).

This site is really useful: https://www.dcnetwork.org/

 

[Chickensoup85]

While alone with me FS said that unfortunately DH's testes were much smaller than normal and that the chances of finding sperm are slightly lower than with some other patients he's had. He then spoke to me about donor sperm, and then when we joined DH we also discussed it a little bit. However, the FS assured us that he would do EVERYTHING in his power to help us conceive a biological child.

This is interesting as OH was told the same but we were never told the implications of this! OH wouldnt let me come to the initial appointment so I wasn't there to ask.

 

[Chickensoup85]

Found this book on pinterest, not only is it a first hand account of an infertilty couple, but an azoospermia couple! I am way more excited about this than I should be! Has anyone read it? I am going to order it.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Making-Babies-Hard-Way-Infertility/dp/1843104636/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

 

[silverbell]

Found this book on pinterest, not only is it a first hand account of an infertilty couple, but an azoospermia couple! I am way more excited about this than I should be! Has anyone read it? I am going to order it.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Making-Babies-Hard-Way-Infertility/dp/1843104636/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

I have read it. I wouldn't say it was amazing. I found it interesting when I first found out about DH. It involves a lot of the emotional side of what the woman was going through and that she needed counselling etc. If I remember rightly I didn't find myself 'warming' to the author - I found her a bit cold and self-centred ... but it could just be me and I could be mistaken as it was a while ago that I read it now.

 

[BettiS]

Hi girls

Just thought I'd share this. Totally how many of us are feeling.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

By the way, I am 5 days late on my normal cycle length and it's driving me crazy! Just wish AF would come and stop taunting me!!!

 

[Shellvz]

Hi girls

Just thought I'd share this. Totally how many of us are feeling.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

By the way, I am 5 days late on my normal cycle length and it's driving me crazy! Just wish AF would come and stop taunting me!!!

I totally feel like that. Very moved by that clip. I try not to think about it but my tears betrayed the deep pain lurking below the surface.

We have our first appt with IVF specialist on Monday. Not sure what to expect or hope for.

Feeling tired of all the waiting and the hoping followed each month by the painful reminder that we are not conceiving.

 

[deafgal01]

Shellvz - good luck at the appt!

 

[CanadianMaple]

Hi everyone! I've been on a break between my failed dIUI cycle in October..

Silverbell- Your post on the top of this page really resonated with me. I could have wrote it myself, minus the mTESE part.

I need to read back to see where everyone is. I'm feeling much clearer again and we have had yet another change of plans since I was here. This damn IF rollercoaster is always catching me off guard.

I've been swimming laps every other day since the new indoor pool in my town has opened. I had no idea how much the exercise would help my anxiety. I finally got to see the RE again this week after a 7 week wait. He pretty much said not to waste our money on donor IUIs since the injectables I will need will be so expensive for each attempt. We are re-doing our expired blood work in Dec, starting the BCP in Jan and hopefully doing our IVF in February. The shocking part? They told us with donor sperm, we would need to do ICSI, which floored us. Since we have to do that, we thought we would also throw in the TESA too. If we're lucky to find sperm, we'll use DH's but since we already have donor sperm waiting there for us, we'll just it as a back up. It's going to cost a small fortune, but we have to try all of this once before thinking about moving on.

We're truly back at square one where we were months and months ago. So frustrating, but I am finally relieved to know we are moving forward yet again.

I'm going to read back now and see how you all have been. You've been on my mind again, especially since we have started thinking about our Azoo again.

 

[MoBaby]

Wow cm! What a roller coaster! Sorry for being back at square one but sounds like you guys have a good plan and if they can use dh speem that would be even better!! Glad you are moving forwar very soon!!

 

[BrandyRelax]

Hi everyone! I've been on a break between my failed dIUI cycle in October..

Silverbell- Your post on the top of this page really resonated with me. I could have wrote it myself, minus the mTESE part.

I need to read back to see where everyone is. I'm feeling much clearer again and we have had yet another change of plans since I was here. This damn IF rollercoaster is always catching me off guard.

I've been swimming laps every other day since the new indoor pool in my town has opened. I had no idea how much the exercise would help my anxiety. I finally got to see the RE again this week after a 7 week wait. He pretty much said not to waste our money on donor IUIs since the injectables I will need will be so expensive for each attempt. We are re-doing our expired blood work in Dec, starting the BCP in Jan and hopefully doing our IVF in February. The shocking part? They told us with donor sperm, we would need to do ICSI, which floored us. Since we have to do that, we thought we would also throw in the TESA too. If we're lucky to find sperm, we'll use DH's but since we already have donor sperm waiting there for us, we'll just it as a back up. It's going to cost a small fortune, but we have to try all of this once before thinking about moving on.

We're truly back at square one where we were months and months ago. So frustrating, but I am finally relieved to know we are moving forward yet again.

I'm going to read back now and see how you all have been. You've been on my mind again, especially since we have started thinking about our Azoo again.

I'm so happy that you're doing a TESA!! Have you guys set a date for the surgery? Our surgeon had a 3 month wait for surgery, so we have a date, but lots of waiting still.

I'm sending positive thoughts your way, and hope everything goes according to plan.

I believe everything happens for a reason, and perhaps your failed dIUI cycle happened because you were meant to have your husband's baby afterall!

Brandy