Discipline and explanations

[Rachel_C]

So ladies, this isn't really a natural parenting question, more a question about discipline in general but if I post it in Baby Club it would no doubt turn into a huge debate and then get deleted.

If your child does something wrong, say throwing their toy around and you take the toy off them, do you think you should tell them why you took the toy away, i.e. what they did that was wrong? The child is old enough to understand if you explain it to them by the way. Do you think it's ok to take the toy and then NOT explain why? Is it up to the child to work it out on their own? Or do you think it is better to explain it to them?

 

[lfernie]

I would explain tbh. My mum was quite old fashioned and when I questioned her she would say, 'I don't need to answer you, I'm an adult and your a child' blah blah blah which just left me feeling really annoyed. I think you would have enough respect to give anyone else an explanation so why not your children?

Edit: I mean explaining once the child understands although I find myself explaining to Ry and he's probably just thinking about what fits in his mouth

 

[CountingDown]

I personally think it depends on the age of the child, at the moment if Olivia touches something or moves towards something she shouldn't I just lightly explain a reason why she cant touch etc and move her away or distract her.

If she throws her toys or food, etc I just dont draw any attention to it and carry on as normal.

 

[Bekkiboo]

I personally will always ask the boys if they know what they have done wrong. If their response is ''no'' I educate them. If they don't know what it is that was actually wrong of them to begin with how can they learn what not to do?

Great topic by the way hun x

 

[eldar]

I would explain tbh. My mum was quite old fashioned and when I questioned her she would say, 'I don't need to answer you, I'm an adult and your a child' blah blah blah which just left me feeling really annoyed. I think you would have enough respect to give anyone else an explanation so why not your children?

Ahh that response always used to annoy me too. I personally plan to treat my child as a person and expect her to respect me if I can respect her. 'Just because I can' is not a grown up way to treat anybody. (I have some power issues with authority figures even now when they employ do as I say tactics without being able to justify them!)

I would always explain why I am doing something, I think I must always be able to justify my actions even if they are for her own good. (I do however expect to have a little girl who says 'why?' alot!) If they have done something wrong they need to understand that by it being explained to them - other wise they get the reaction to an action but not what it was a consequence of, which can be confusing.

 

[anothersquish]

I have explained reasons to my now 5yr old right from the start. Its no good saying "No" with no reason. Why would they not do something in the future if they dont know why not too? Even if they are a bit little to really understand its worth doing anyway as it becomes part and parcel.
Personally I think it works very well. My 5yr old has an acute understanding of WHY things are bad/good and why he must not do certain things. As such if I say "no" he knows I mean it and he knows I say it for a reason, even if I dotn explain at the time he knows I will later and he realises that I am always fair.
I think its important to be fair with them, I hate the "well im the adult so you do what I say" Its a power thing, some people need to say "well its mine so you HAVE to do what I say or you will be punished" because they have their own problems, however its not fair to put those issues onto a child and people should make a concious effort to be completely fair.
Explaining your reasons for saying "no" dont mean you are being 'soft' as some think, you can have firm boundaries but still give explainations to children.

 

[jen1604]

I have explained reasons to my now 5yr old right from the start. Its no good saying "No" with no reason. Why would they not do something in the future if they dont know why not too? Even if they are a bit little to really understand its worth doing anyway as it becomes part and parcel. .

Exactly.
I always explain to Ophelia why she shouldn't be doing something because as Squish said,she's just going to do something again if she doesn't know why not to do it.
I don't think its fair to tell off children if they don't understand what they've done wrong.When I see parents saying 'Because I'm an adult and I said so' that always just seems a bit like they're on a power trip to me.

 

[bubbles]

I agree with the rest of you, I try my best to explain (in a simple way) why Ed shouldn't have done/ do something. I think some things he will do anyway like touching a hot oven door no matter how many time's I tell him "don't touch..Hot" (not saying I just leave him to touch hot things) because thats what children do. I think it's important to know that you can disciplin and educate at the same time

 

[Lu28]

I've also been explaining things to Aisling if she's not allowed touch etc. I don't know how much she understands but I guess at some point she will and I'm not automatically going to know when that is so it's best to get into the habit.

I do think that I'm the parent and she'll end up having to do as I say to an extent but I would like her to understand why she can't do certain things as she's more likely to go with what I say if she knows why.

 

[Jetters]

Great thread!

With Rory I always lightly explained why I was taking something away, rather than just saying no- the concept of always just barking "no" reminded me of training a dog! So I tried to avoid it when possible. Even when he was Leyla's age and too young to really get what I was saying... I just figured it was good practise for me to get into.

 

[Kit]

I think my mum had quite a good approach. If she told me not to do something then I was expected to obey first and as soon as I did she would explain her reasons. She wouldn't get into a debate about whatever it was while I was still doing it, or arguing about it, so there was an initial element of "because I am telling you" but from being old enough to understand I always knew that I would get an explanation.
Unfortunately I was a real whinger so there were quite a lot of incidents where the explanation was preceded by a loat of moan and whinge!

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

I agree with Squish.
Personally discipline to me is teaching SELF discipline, i.e a conscience, not 'training' a child not to do something or teaching obedience.
I explain stuff to Ruby. Like Lu says they may understand more than we realise.

 

[purple_socks]

wss ^^

i agree.

 

[aob1013]

Personally, i would ask Leni to politely stop misbehaving. I.E 'Leni please stop banging that car on the wall, or you will make a mark. If you don't stop the banging. I will take the toy away and it will stay away for the rest of the day'. If he continued, i would take the toy away and i would explain why i took it I.E, 'Mummy said if you did not stop the banging i would take the toy away. You did not listen to me so i am now taking away the toy, and it will not come back out until tomorrow'. xx

 

[DottyLottie]

I guess it depends on their age. But I agree with what others say here, when a child is old enough to understand, an explanation is important - my mum never explained either, and you usually end up doing stupid things again until you find out the consequences for yourself. It is important to teach children about cause and effect.

As for younger kids, when my toddler does things I tell her why with one word. She is 19 months old now and is constantly telling off my OH for touching the cooker "No daddy, danger! hot!" lol

 

[Tiff]

From the very beginning we've always given a reason when we've 'disciplined' Claire. We find "no" too much of a blanket term and in having a reason it explains it better... iykwim?

The ones we say the most are "No, Claire. That's not yours" or "No Claire, that's dangerous". She doesn't fully understand the explanation but IMO its better than just saying "no no no no no no no".

 

[FemmeEnceinte]

My own parents are very authoritarian and children were not to question their parents' decisions in any way, regardless of whether or not it was fair or understandable to the child. I hated it and my sister did too and we wound up rebelling quite young and it just didn't work at all as my parents grew sloppy and, in their selfishness, too lazy to bother enforcing some things but coming down hard on others and it was all a hideous, confusing mess.

My plan is to be authoritative. I'll explain why I'm doing things and once they reach a certain age and are able to knowingly question things I'll be open to questioning. I will always have the final say but I'm not the type to not change my mind about things or appreciate I may have been too rash or made a mistake.

I don't believe in demands and expectations, I believe purely in support so whatever Molly does with her life and whoever she turns into will not be because I expect her to be a certain way to fit in with society, it will be because we loved her, supported her and allowed her to be whatever and whoever she wants to be.

For young children, I actually really like the naughty spot/step (though I'll just make it a very normal designated area and call it time out and not naughty spot/step) as it allows for a time to just sit and think. There will be warnings issued before we get to this and I will explain as they are placed in time out why they are there. It will always be calm and in a "we need to calm down/cool off" sort of a way and not "you've been naughty, this is a punishment!" which is how it seems to come across on supernanny.

My theory is, children are just little people and it's our job to help them grow and develop. It's not our place to force anything or control, that's not our right. We can only ever guide them and offer the advice of our own experiences and hope for the best. Strong discipline and control might be OK for some but the type of people that breeds are not the type of people I wish my children to be.

I believe there are ways that you can encourage them not to be lazy or to just be free to self indulge, there are ways of guiding them to achieve their potential without being pushy. I know children push the limits, that's what they do and there will, of course, be limits but the consequences will be proper, reasonable and fully explained because what's the point in having limits if children don't fully understand why or what they are?

 

[anothersquish]

lovely post femme

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

Yeah, brilliant post Femme. I'm so glad to find others who feel the way I do about this aspect of parenting as I thought I was on my own!

 

[mommyof3co]

We always explain things to the boys, we want them to understand the WHY in things, why it isn't ok to throw a toy at your brother, why it's not ok to call people names, etc. We also try and give natural consequences whenever we can. If they are throwing a toy they can't have the toy to throw. If you dump your food on the floor, you clean it. Sometimes it's hard to come up with a natural consequence and we do occasionally use timeouts still but really not very often anymore.