Disco Derail! - TTCAL/PAL Discussion and Support!

[Megg33k]

My life?

 

[CJSG1977]

Oh DARLIN!!! I am sat here crying the biggest tears for you. I hate that you have to go through this and feel so helpless (and broken - which I can relate too). You dont need to be strong right now, theres no rule that says you do. You have a couple more days to decide that this is really want you want. Dont let them force a bleed if your body is screaming no.

And you are all woman hunni! Your body may not be doing what is meant to come naturally right now, but with the huge tellings off its getting right now you may find in time that it will rectify itself. I am not going to fill you with false hope and tell you that you will be a mother because I dont think thats what you need right now. What I do think is important is that you identify yourself as Megg right now and BE Megg right now, even just for a day or two and F**k all this. Dont let your life just be this, it will break you and you wont be any good for anything.

I just want to give you the BIGGEST right now. I am sorry that you have to go through this. Life is so unfair, and I would beat it up personally for many things not just this.

 

[Megg33k]

I can think of 6 really good reasons I'd love to kick life's ass for you, honey! I just hate being helpless... more than anything else on earth! I want so much to have an ounce of control! Its my body... Why can't I just make it do what I need it to do... without drugs? Maybe this is all PMS? That would be fantastic! Let's hope for THAT! lol

 

[CJSG1977]

Well I HOPE that it is AF!!!! Then you will be exactly what you should be. A raving pissy moody woman with RAGING PMT!!!

I understand perfectly what you mean about being helpless and not in control....every pregnancy I have had I have prayed to god that I wont lose it. And when I know I'm about too its like my own life is ending, and a piece of it goes with every angel I lose. Nothing will be left!!! And I feel like I failed all 6 because I couldnt keep them safe till they were ready to join me out here God now I cant see the keys from crying.

Annnnyway!!! Take some time before you pressure yourself into a decision that you really dont want. And I hope that before long you wont feel helpless anymore.

 

[Razcox]

Huge Megg and hope this is the ugly showing her fat face for you. I think thats the worst part of TTC - Being out of control of the whole situation. It drives me nuts . . .

 

[vickyd]

Megg and CJ you are both winners NOT FAILURES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant listen to that crap sorry....You and all of us on this forum and all the girls on the LTTC forums have been delt shitty shitty cards, but we are survivors and we hold our heads high and make things happen for ourselves. That is what makes a good mother in the end. Love yourselves and your bodies dammit!

 

[msarkozi]

Sorry, I don't really have a whole lot to add, to I'm just going to say good morning

 

[pregoinnorge]

to you girls! I read your journal, megg, and I agree with most of those girls-- feel as sad and depressed and shitty and you want, but set a date to do you best to move on to the next step in your plan. You are not a failure whatsoever! You're an amazing woman with a heart the size of Texas and you WILL get through this no matter what happens.

 

[pregoinnorge]

oh, and remember how I said I was going to forget about TTC for awhile? well I found an old ov test in the cabinet and I got a smiley today on CD 14 as usual, so at least I know that. Now to see if I can convince the hubby to bd with me despite my cold. haha. typical.

 

[Megg33k]

Thanks, Amy! Monday is that date. I've decided that if my tests are still negative on Monday, I will just shut up, pop the pills, and get on with things. No more delays. I really just wanted to end this naturally... but the waiting is too hard!

Remember when a missed period meant pregnancy?

Catch the eggy!

 

[msarkozi]

Life is cruel and unkind and seems to work in mysterious ways. One of the things I can actually be thankful for about my miscarriage is that if it didn't happen, I would have never met any of you!!

 

[Megg33k]

True that, Mel! I am glad to know you, despite the hideous, painful reason!

 

[msarkozi]

sometimes there ends up being a positive in those ugliest situations, you just gotta find it I honestly don't know how I ever lived without you girls before! I talk to you guys more then anyone else, lol!

 

[sequeena]

How are we ladies? Big hugs for everyone

 

[Megg33k]

Loaded question, Sarah! LOL Big hugs!

I agree, Mel! I wouldn't survive without you lot!

 

[sequeena]

Do I need to back away very slowly?

 

[heart tree]

Meggles, I read your journal post and to be honest, almost everything you said in it are things I've said myself as recently as yesterday. I often wonder how terrible a person I must have been in a past life to get this shit handed to me in this life. I know life is hard for everyone, I sometimes feel that I've gotten my fill. I try not to go to the "why me?" place, but I think we all have to go there sometimes.

Last night I was crying to Tim about my boss and broke down telling him what a failure/loser/non-woman I felt like. I told him I felt inadequate. I know how you feel about wanting to at least feel like a woman. Oh I bleed regularly, but my blood doesn't seem to want to exit my body like everyone else's and has gotten stuck in my uterus. So, I know what you mean about being mad at your body for not performing like it should.

I agree too that this is not where I thought my life would be at this point in my life. I'm trying not to have regrets, but sometimes it is hard. Overall, I feel really angry right now. I need to find a place to scream at the top of my lungs.

Not every day can be positive. I've accepted that. Sometimes we just need to feel like crap. I'm with you babe!

Vicky, thank you for sharing what happened with your father and your reaction recently. I'm amazed at what our minds can make us do. I'm also amazed at how our brains have the ability to block things as well. You truly were reacting to a previous trauma. I'm glad you told us. It makes me feel like my reactions aren't crazy. We are all triggered.

I know there were other people I wanted to address, but now I can't remember. I'll go back and read and post again.

I'm working from home today which is good. I just couldn't be around my boss today. I need some time to wrap my brain around all of this. Going out dancing tonight for a friend's birthday. That should help lift my mood.

Hope Friday treats everyone kindly.

 

[Sassy_TTC]

Have fun tonight Amanda, letting your hair down with friends will make you smile.xxxx

 

[LucyJ]

hey girls and welcome to CJ,

I've just caught up on the latest posts and I have to say I am in tears right now it brakes my heart that you wonderful women have been through so much pain and still are I just wish I could take the pain away for you all. Life is a cruel place sometimes.

Right I've dried my eyes and will back track a little hope thats ok as I missed a lot. First hearty I am so sorry about your boss I know how hard it is my sil was pregnant the same time of me (she was three days behind where I should be) as you know she had the baby 8 weeks early but in all the time she was pregnant i couldn't see her couldnt even speak to them it was just to hard so I cant imagine how you must feel being around her but we are all here for you whatever you need scream shout yell you go for it. Hopefully she will be sensitive towards your feelings. You have to do whats right for you with regard to work I think its fair to say you need to protect yourself.

I totally agree with the ptsd and triggers seting us off. I dont think people realise the last effects of suffering a mc and how it impacts your life months even years later. I hate to admit but I havnt been to see my nephew yet as he was still in hospital and the thought of going near a maternity ward was just to much to cope and I know I wouldnt be able to keep it together he's now home so I'm hoping to go and see him soon. I am terrifed about scan I want to be exicted but I am so scared the one think I am thankful about is its not at the same place where we went for our 12 week and were told the bad news but if we get to 12 weeks with this one it will be the same place and I know I will be sick to my stomach. The other thing I have notice is the impact on my hubby obviously hes suffered a loss and it has impacted him but I dont think I realised how much untill this week he came rushing home left work to come home as I didnt answer phone when he rang (I was busy) and was terrified something had happened to me and the baby. He was as white as a sheet when he came in the house and his heart was racing. If I get up in the night he wakes up (he always slept like a log but now is keeping one ear open if that makes sense).

I just wish miscarriage wasn't such a taboo and we talked about it more openly maybe then those that havent suffered a loss would understand how hard it is and the impact it has across your life.

I know Ive probably missed loads I wish it was dealt with in a better way in the media, tv/films ect. My mum watched marley and me after I had lost my little one and she phoned me to tell me not to watch it due to her suffering a mc I have never watched it and so glad my mum warned me as I dont think I could of watched it.

As far as books and films - I've not seen Tell No one but have read the book. The one film which is as good as the book and sticks to it truefully is the Green Mile.

Massive to you all. I know some of us are having a shitty time but you are all strong wonderful women and I am so lucky to have found you as you have helped me through so much and I know you will be there for everything and I am there for all of you.

 

[heart tree]

Lucy, thanks for sharing about your sil and your nephew. I'm always amazed to hear how we cope with our losses. If it helps, I think I would avoid going into a maternity ward also. Good for you for knowing your boundaries.

Your hubby sounds amazing. He's exactly what you need right now.

I hope and pray your scan is a beauty. You deserve it.