Disco Derail! - TTCAL/PAL Discussion and Support!

[heart tree]

Good morning everyone. It's 5:50am here. I woke up at 5:30 and couldn't fall back asleep. All of the realities of my life started flooding into my brain. For a brief moment in sleep I was able to go back to a land of being pregnant and happy. When I woke up, I was stung by the reality of it all. I'm so so sad. They say 3 times is so rare. Well I feel like I should play the lottery given my luck with odds. Maybe I would hit the jackpot.

I was feeling strength last night. Now I'm wondering if I was in shock. I feel heavier this morning and much more fragile. I'm writing this through my tears. I don't know how I'm going to pick myself up and move on. How do we all do it? I know I have twice already, but I can't remember how to do it. Do any of you remember?

Uuuggh, I have to go to work today and meet with a client. My eyes are practically swollen shut. In truth, it will be better than staying at home and dwelling on this, but it still won't be easy. I just got a new boss 2 weeks ago and I'm trying to figure out if I should tell her. If it were my old boss, I would have told her 2 weeks ago when I found out I was pregnant. She went through my last 2 losses with me. I wish she was still here, she's like my surrogate mother. Do I tell the new boss? She's very kind, but she's my age. She's a social worker (all of my colleagues are social workers and therapists) so she'll be understanding, I'm sure. It just feels awkward to tell a stranger. I don't know. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I'm lost...

 

[Jaymes]

Oh Amanda. I wish I were there with you... That we all were there with you, to give you strength and love. I am so sorry.

 

[LucyJ]

Amanda I'm back home (only had a half day of work) so have managed to get on here I sent you a private message on facebook.

I am so very sorry for what has happened it brakes my heart that you are going through this I want to give you a big hug . I have no words but wanted you to know I am here for you whatever you need.

I dont know how any of us have got through what we've been through and how you do it again I guess you take it one day at a time and to talk I think that is so important. Also I would say allow yourself to feel it give yourself time and be kind to yourself. You and Tim need to get through this together spend time together and look after one another.

As for telling your new boss I would I think as hard as it is to tell people I think it is important you boss knows what your dealing with and what your going through.

I am thinking of you and Tim massive to you both. Sending lots of love.

 

[heart tree]

Thanks for the advice Lucy. This is what I need right now. Someone else to tell me what to do. My brain isn't working right now. I did get your message on FB by the way. Thanks love.

I also got a message from Nato and I'm sure she wouldn't mind if I shared. She has decided to come back to B&B only when she gets her BFP. She feels like she puts too much pressure on herself when she is on the site. It sounds like she wants to take a more relaxed approach to ttc. She said she is 12dpo today and she isn't going to get her BFP this month. Hopefully she'll get it next month so we can have her back.

 

[LucyJ]

Whatever you need I'm well we are all here for you. How's Tim doing?

Thanks for the information about Nato is good to know she's doing alright I understand her reasoning guess she just needed a brake well I hope she gets her BFP soon.

 

[heart tree]

Tim's ok. He said he didn't know the baby, so he's more sad about me than the baby. He is so amazing and wonderful. He's passed this test twice before. I know he'll get me through this again. It's our 5 year wedding anniversary. As I reflect on our 5 years, it is hard not to think about all of the tragedy. My step-father died, my father sustained a traumatic brain injury, his father battled lung cancer, we lost 3 babies. We are so due for some good news. I try to remember that my father and his father survived. My father isn't the same guy though. Brain injury is a weird thing. He appears to be fine, but he is different. Less empathetic. His father is 80 and very weak after his chemo and radiation. He's in remission, but it has taken it's toll. We need some good news that doesn't stem from bad news. We need pure joy in our lives. It is bound to happen. Life can't just be a continuous stream of bad, can it?

 

[roonsma]

Good morning everyone. It's 5:50am here. I woke up at 5:30 and couldn't fall back asleep. All of the realities of my life started flooding into my brain. For a brief moment in sleep I was able to go back to a land of being pregnant and happy. When I woke up, I was stung by the reality of it all. I'm so so sad. They say 3 times is so rare. Well I feel like I should play the lottery given my luck with odds. Maybe I would hit the jackpot.

I was feeling strength last night. Now I'm wondering if I was in shock. I feel heavier this morning and much more fragile. I'm writing this through my tears. I don't know how I'm going to pick myself up and move on. How do we all do it? I know I have twice already, but I can't remember how to do it. Do any of you remember?

Uuuggh, I have to go to work today and meet with a client. My eyes are practically swollen shut. In truth, it will be better than staying at home and dwelling on this, but it still won't be easy. I just got a new boss 2 weeks ago and I'm trying to figure out if I should tell her. If it were my old boss, I would have told her 2 weeks ago when I found out I was pregnant. She went through my last 2 losses with me. I wish she was still here, she's like my surrogate mother. Do I tell the new boss? She's very kind, but she's my age. She's a social worker (all of my colleagues are social workers and therapists) so she'll be understanding, I'm sure. It just feels awkward to tell a stranger. I don't know. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I'm lost...

I don't know how anyone gets through what you're going through but you will Sweetie, its going to be a slog but you'll pick yourself up again, lean on us Hun-we'll help when you need us.

You need to tell your boss Hun, you can't go through this without her support, any woman would support and help you as much as she could.

I'm so sad for you and your hubby hun, with you and Africa's news over the last couple of days its really hit home, i'm so scared now too.

Take care Sweetie, be good to yourselves xxx

 

[LucyJ]

Tim's ok. He said he didn't know the baby, so he's more sad about me than the baby. He is so amazing and wonderful. He's passed this test twice before. I know he'll get me through this again. It's our 5 year wedding anniversary. As I reflect on our 5 years, it is hard not to think about all of the tragedy. My step-father died, my father sustained a traumatic brain injury, his father battled lung cancer, we lost 3 babies. We are so due for some good news. I try to remember that my father and his father survived. My father isn't the same guy though. Brain injury is a weird thing. He appears to be fine, but he is different. Less empathetic. His father is 80 and very weak after his chemo and radiation. He's in remission, but it has taken it's toll. We need some good news that doesn't stem from bad news. We need pure joy in our lives. It is bound to happen. Life can't just be a continuous stream of bad, can it?

Oh sweetheart you both have had a rough time of it, it just goes to show what a strong couple you are and with each other you can get through this. I generally believe you will have the pure joy you long for it will happen. I hope you can celebrate your wedding anniversary. I am pleased Tim is doing okay and is being there for you. You really realise when the bad stuff happens what a rock our OH's are my hubby was amazing when I lost our baby and I thank my lucky stars that I have him.

 

[heart tree]

Thanks Roonsma, I will tell my boss. You and Lucy have convinced me.

Lucy, I agree. I think things like this either bring you closer together as a couple or tear you apart. We are closer than ever since all of this. I also thank my lucky stars for Tim. I know exactly what you mean.

 

[heart tree]

Ok ladies, I'm off to work now. I'll check in later. Hope you all are having a good day.

Mel, good luck today sweets. Hope you see a squiggly happy bean today!

 

[cazza22]

Hearty I have just Wept all the way home from work on my tram!
I cannot believe I am reading this. Words can only bring u comfort in knowing that each and every woman on this thread is hugging u hard and crying with you babe.
I know the 3rd time seems like the end of the world hearty, I was there in that dark place of people telling me "3rd time lucky" blah blah bullshit! And it feels like ur the most unlucky person in the world but I PROMISE it gets easier, just like it did with our other 2 losses. I've found that I got stronger once I'd mourned my loss & I swear I'm so much more determined now than ever and you will too . Give yourself time to heal both mentally & physically & when u feel ready take mouse steps back into it don't just leap.

Something u have is a place to come when ur feeling shit & vent to your hearts content!! & believe me my darling were all ears & available with open arms to vent along side you!!!! Lov u loads Hun ur such an amazing woman & us disco girls would be lost without u!
Massive hugs sweet pea x x x lov Caz

 

[heart tree]

Thanks Cazza. I've been waiting to hear from you actually because I know you've been here too. Your words give me strength. They make me feel like I will get through this. Are you doing anything differently? Have you gotten any answers? Are you talking to a specialist? That's the next step for me even though my insurance won't cover it. I need to try to get some answers.

My friggin' boss isn't at work today. I just broke down to the receptionist. She keeps telling me to go home. I can't unfortunately. I'm a mess.

 

[cazza22]

Huny the tests I had were for things like to check if my blood was clotting, also all the hormone tests, mutations & chromosome defects, I don't know the exact names of them but there were 10 all together & lee had 1 aswell to do with chromosomes.
All of ours came back normal? I was confused to say the least. My fertility specialist is fabulous he is determined to make me healthily pregnant bless him. I have to call him the minute I get my next BFP for scheduled fortnightly scans and blood levels I'm so scared to be honest but totally dertermined to be a mum .
Your Dr should most definetely refer you now. I don't understand how ur health system works chick but mine went through the NHS here in the uk. If I went private the main tests I needed were approx £200 each so I don't know what that is in dollars? It's gotta be worth every penny though right? I hope it's not too expensive babes x x

let us know if u go home sweet ok x lov Caz


Hearty u need to go home u cannot be in work right now!!! Just get your coat and leave right now! U can phone in and tell her why your ur not able for work. I can't believe you've pushed itself to even go in babe u need to think of yourself right now!!

 

[Megg33k]

Good morning everyone. It's 5:50am here. I woke up at 5:30 and couldn't fall back asleep. All of the realities of my life started flooding into my brain. For a brief moment in sleep I was able to go back to a land of being pregnant and happy. When I woke up, I was stung by the reality of it all. I'm so so sad. They say 3 times is so rare. Well I feel like I should play the lottery given my luck with odds. Maybe I would hit the jackpot.

I was feeling strength last night. Now I'm wondering if I was in shock. I feel heavier this morning and much more fragile. I'm writing this through my tears. I don't know how I'm going to pick myself up and move on. How do we all do it? I know I have twice already, but I can't remember how to do it. Do any of you remember?

Uuuggh, I have to go to work today and meet with a client. My eyes are practically swollen shut. In truth, it will be better than staying at home and dwelling on this, but it still won't be easy. I just got a new boss 2 weeks ago and I'm trying to figure out if I should tell her. If it were my old boss, I would have told her 2 weeks ago when I found out I was pregnant. She went through my last 2 losses with me. I wish she was still here, she's like my surrogate mother. Do I tell the new boss? She's very kind, but she's my age. She's a social worker (all of my colleagues are social workers and therapists) so she'll be understanding, I'm sure. It just feels awkward to tell a stranger. I don't know. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I'm lost...

About how to do it... I think its just that as much as it hurts to think of starting over, the thought of giving up hurts more... so we just DO!

I really wish you weren't at work!

Thanks for the advice Lucy. This is what I need right now. Someone else to tell me what to do. My brain isn't working right now. I did get your message on FB by the way. Thanks love.

I also got a message from Nato and I'm sure she wouldn't mind if I shared. She has decided to come back to B&B only when she gets her BFP. She feels like she puts too much pressure on herself when she is on the site. It sounds like she wants to take a more relaxed approach to ttc. She said she is 12dpo today and she isn't going to get her BFP this month. Hopefully she'll get it next month so we can have her back.

I wish Nato the best of luck! I hope we get her back soon! Thanks for reporting in!

Tim's ok. He said he didn't know the baby, so he's more sad about me than the baby. He is so amazing and wonderful. He's passed this test twice before. I know he'll get me through this again. It's our 5 year wedding anniversary. As I reflect on our 5 years, it is hard not to think about all of the tragedy. My step-father died, my father sustained a traumatic brain injury, his father battled lung cancer, we lost 3 babies. We are so due for some good news. I try to remember that my father and his father survived. My father isn't the same guy though. Brain injury is a weird thing. He appears to be fine, but he is different. Less empathetic. His father is 80 and very weak after his chemo and radiation. He's in remission, but it has taken it's toll. We need some good news that doesn't stem from bad news. We need pure joy in our lives. It is bound to happen. Life can't just be a continuous stream of bad, can it?

I can't allow myself to believe that it can be bad forever! I don't think I could will myself out of bed each morning if that were the case! So, I cling to the thought that it MUST get better!

 

[vickyd]

Hearty im so happy that Tim is being such a rock for you. The only good thing that came from my losses was how much stronger as a couple me and Alex became. I know now that we can handle pretty much anything that comes our way.
I think you should take a couple of days off work. I never so much as took one day off around the time of my losses and i ended up bursting into tears at meetings weeks after. You need to be in a place where if you need to cry, scream, break things you are free to do- DONT REPRESS your feelings.
As you know im an atheist but coming back from work today i couldnt help but walk into a little chapel and light a candle for you and Tim...Who knows maybe im wrong and someone out there will start aying attention...

 

[Megg33k]

Hearty im so happy that Tim is being such a rock for you. The only good thing that came from my losses was how much stronger as a couple me and Alex became. I know now that we can handle pretty much anything that comes our way.
I think you should take a couple of days off work. I never so much as took one day off around the time of my losses and i ended up bursting into tears at meetings weeks after. You need to be in a place where if you need to cry, scream, break things you are free to do- DONT REPRESS your feelings.
As you know im an atheist but coming back from work today i couldnt help but walk into a little chapel and light a candle for you and Tim...Who knows maybe im wrong and someone out there will start aying attention...

As a fellow atheist... I would totally do that! *nods* Good to cover the bases... just in case! That made me cry! You're wonderful!

 

[hoping:)]

Heart tree I am so very sorry for your loss I just went through my 3rd miscarriage as well... it is so unfair. It took us 9 months to concieve our twins and it was the first time we ever got to see heart beats on an ultrasound so we were so sure that it was meant to be... but I lost them on 4th of July just like the last one. Miscarriage is hard because we go through so many emotions and the remaing hormones don't help. Right after I lost them I was a wreck and spent most of the day crying at work so finally I broke down and told my boss so that I could go home. For me it helps to just take time for my self and my husband (his name is Tim also) and just like how you described your hubby mine is the same way... he always just knows the right things to say to bring me back from all the gloom and doom so we are both lucky we have such wonderful partners. Even though it is difficult at times I keep myself going by hanging on to hope that it will happen someday and I make sure to focus on all the good things that are in my life. Just remember that people grieve differently and time can eventually heal all wounds. We will have our babies some day and we are going to love them so much more because of what we have had to go throug to get them

 

[LucyJ]

Vicky I think thats a lovely thing to do steve and I did that after we lost our little one.

My friggin' boss isn't at work today. I just broke down to the receptionist. She keeps telling me to go home. I can't unfortunately. I'm a mess.

Sweetheart you need to go home is there anyway you can or if you cant today then take a few days off you need to give yourself some time.

 

[vickyd]

There's a church in the greek island of Tinos that supposidly hols a portrait of the virgin Mary that performs miracles...Maybe well end up there on our knees. The knee part isnt mine, thats what they literally do, the crawl up the hill leading to the church!!!!!

 

[Vickieh1981]

Amanda - Megg just told me. I am so terribly sorry. I can't believe this has happened to you again. x