Disco Derail! - TTCAL/PAL Discussion and Support!

[heart tree]

I'm gagging at this woman, Allie. So unprofessional! If she had to throw up, she should have excused herself and left. If she was really sick, she should have ended the session early and rescheduled. Picking and flicking? Eeeewwww! Have you given any thought to complaining to a supervisor? This woman is completely inappropriate!

 

[vickyd]

Ok so before I tell you guys what happened this weekend ill give you some history.
My inlaws from the day i started seeing Alex were not very supportive. For their own personal reasons they thought i wasnt good enough for their son which to be honest never really bugged me at the time as im a pretty confident person and never really gave a crap what other people thought of me. When we decided to move in together we got grief, when we announced we were getting married they didnt even congradulate us and they were constantly nagging us as to why we wanted to have a proper reception and its a waste of money bla bla bla. My parents in the mean time wanted to meet them as its quite unheard of in Greece to be living with someone and 1 month before the wedding the parents not having had met even oncce. They were constantly making excuses usually something to do with my MIL's heart problem (there is no heart problem) which again i didnt make a fuss about until i heard that on the week that they said they couldnt make it yet again, they were hosting a god damn party!!! I told Alex that i thought their attitude towards me and my family was very insulting and he understood but he said that his parents were jerks and i shouldnt pay any attention to them. So I let that one slide yet again... 3 years ago when Alex decided to start his own buisness we were in a real bad financial situation and we couldnt really afford to rent anymore so we asked if we could stay at their summer house for 2 years until the buisness was up and running. My parents offered their house to us and were willing to move to the beach house but Alex didnt want to be a live in husband so i didnt press matters. His parents as was to be expected were not happy with us moving there and his mom kept ccomplaining that we would ruin her decorating and crap like that. In the end they let us but for the whole year we were there they were complaining about everything you could imagine. while I was there i fell pregnant with Electra. They seemed to suddenly turn around and started to be more warm towards us. When i lost Electra they went back to their old ways. While i was recovering both physically and mentally from giving birth to my dead child i got complaints that my hair was clogging the drain, that our computer was disrupting the aesthetics of the dining room and shit like that. 2 months later when i lost my son and was close to loosing my mind my FIL gave me grief about not joining them for dinner or that i wasnt cleaning up after us and a whole lot of crap. I finally lost it and aksed my boss for a loan so that i could leave their place and rent something near my family. Luckily he gave me the money as we got out of there. When i finally had Hero they again seemed very excited but after i brought her home i realised they werent that keen on getting to know her. We live a ten minute drive from them and they came to visit her like 3 times the whole winter. I told Alex about this and again he said that they are jerks and that i shouldnt bother. I said that i dont wanna loose it with them but if they carry on like this one day i will. So this weekend they invited us to their beach house, my SIL wand her new baby was there too. They were all over her son and her (by the way i have plenty crazy SIL stories to share from this weekend) and they didnt really spend any time with Hero. I felt sad and more sad by the fact that Hero didnt even recognize them and was always hiding behind my legs when they were around. Anyway, i aksed my mil what she was planning for meals so that if it was something not suitable for Hero then i would prepare her meals myself. She said that she wanted to handle the food and that i shouldnt worry about it. So i told her that Hero eats around 1 pm after we come back from the beach and has a shower after which she has her nap. Yesterday we get back from the beach and i aske Alex to get her food ready while i went to give her a bath. My MIL who was with my nephew (crazy SIL and BIL) were out then told me she had not yet started on lunch as she had her hands full with the baby. I freaked out as i had nothing as a back up but decided to let it go and went downstairs to get her bathed and to warm some milk for her. In the meantime Alex told his parents that its not right not thinking of Hero and worrying only about the baby. They said that these are Vicky's words and that once again i was overreacting. I started to loose it as i could hear their conversation! I put Hero down for her nap and Alex begged me to come upstairs and have lunch with them without causing a scene. I stupidly agreeed but said to him that if they say something inapropriate that i would loose it. As i predicted they starte dthe minute i went up. Crazy SIL started by saying that we should all get more organised now that there are 2 babies and my FIL said it was my fault for not reminding them. I lost it and told my SIL to shut her gob as she has nothing to do with anything and then i told my in laws that I have every right to think they dont care about Hero as they never visit and the one time they had a chance to show us that they care about her they thought it was ok to let her go hungry as they had the new baby to worry about. I then got up and left and they were yelling after me that i was neurotic and out of line. Anyway thats what happened, anyone who thinks i was out of order please tell me cause i need to know what you guys would do in my shoes...

 

[pregoinnorge]

Oh man Vicky! That's terrible! First of all I cannot believe the way they treated you while you were going through your losses. That's just evil. I think it was time they heard how you really feel and I'm glad that you have Alex more on your side now. I would be livid to see such blatant favoritism going on like that.
On the plus side it's not like you see them that often anyway, but it's sad that Hero doesn't have much of a relationship with them. I'm sure the clever disco girls can give you some good advice I'm reading a book now called Crucial Confrontations at the moment but I'm not far enough in to say whether I can recommend it yet. I really struggle with this stuff too..

Hi everyone else! Haven't properly caught up yet but I have a whining little girl and a dog staring me down so I guess it's walk time

 

[roonsma]

You were absolutely correct in what you told them. I'm amazed by what you've put up with before this. I hope Alex backs you up on this one

 

[Round2]

Vicky, I'm sorry you have to deal with Monster-In-Laws. They really seem to be a work of art. It's one thing for them to not like you, but to take it out on Hero is disgusting. I don't think you were out of line, it sound like this was comging for a long time. I hope they can see inappropriate they are being, but by the sounds if it they don't really care.

AFM, I spend the day at L&D yesterday. Just before my appointment I had HUGE gush of blood. I went to the appointment thinking I had just lost my mucous plug, but the nurse freaked out when she saw how much was there and rushed me into L&D. They were concerned that I was having a placental abruption, so they gave me an u/s, hooked me up to all the monitoring machines and drew a bunch of blood. Luckily, there was no indication of an abruption. The baby looked great, my contractions were small and inconsistent and my cervix was long and closed. They have no idea where the blood is coming from. The best guess is that it's an old blood clot behind my cervix (some of it was dark and old blood) or it was my mucous plug. By the time I left, the bleeding had stopped. I got home about and hour later, went to the bathroom and another huge gush came out. Luckily it stopped again immediately, so I didn't have to go back to L&D, but if it happens again today, I'll be back in and they might even induce me.

 

[vickyd]

Round that sounds like a fucking scary experience...Hope that was it hun and theres no more blood or anything to stress you out these last couple of weeks..

Thanks for your opinions girls, i really beleive that i am in the right but my mom who i like to call "the swiss embassador" thinks i should apologise for my outburst and calmly explain to them why i lost my temper. I cannot at this point justify to myself any sort of apology or any reason to go over there ever again. Obviously i will never ask Alex to stop seeing his family and if they wish to see Hero i will personally make sure to make Alex take her for a visit.

 

[hoping:)]

Vicky- Your in-laws seem very rude and obnoxious! There is no way I would have kept my cool as long as you have. I tend to be more emotional and take everything to heart so I would have lost it with them a long time ago. It made me so mad reading about how they treated you during your losses and the way they overlook Hero. It is one thing not to like you but to treat their own granddaughter like that is absolutely horrible.

I am interested in the crazy SIL stories as well. That one is a piece of work… I guess she takes after her parents!

Allie- that is disgusting and highly unprofessional!

I was hoping for an inspirational first movie experience as well but Penny had other ideas! I was so sure it would go great since she is usually so well behaved in public. The next day Tim & I took her to the Heart Walk and she was a little angel. She was just smiling away and had a great time. I’m thinking that the quiet movie setting wasn’t keeping her entertained enough.

Round- all the blood would have freaked me out! I’m glad everything was ok with you and baby boy. Could it have been your mucus plug and your bloody show?

 

[Round2]

Round- all the blood would have freaked me out! I’m glad everything was ok with you and baby boy. Could it have been your mucus plug and your bloody show?

That's what I thought it was, but according to all the doctors and nurses I saw yesterday, it was way too much blood for that. But who knows, I was still on blood thinners up until yesterday, so perhaps it was just exagerated from that.

Regardless, I really think this guy is coming soon. My belly has totally dropped. Everytime I walk, I feel like he's going to fall out of me!

I'm feeling kind of sad that this will probably be my last few days of ever being pregnant.

 

[hoping:)]

I forgot you were still on blood thinners! I'm sure it had something to do with the amount of blood. My prediction is you will be showing off pictures of your LO by the end of the weekend. Are you on leave from work now? Enjoy every minute of these last few days. I know that I still occasionally miss my bump and feeling Penny's movements. I loved having her all to myself.

Speaking of movements... do any of you new mommies ever get fantom kicks? I thought this was absurd when I first read about them but a couple of months after I had Penny I felt kicks like I used to when I was pregnant. It was so strange and eery! I still get it occasionally which is crazy

 

[heart tree]

Omg Round, that sounds so scary! I hope the bleeding is done now! I'm so relieved to hear he's ok! And so are you. Take it really easy.

Hoping, phantom kicks? That's bizarre! I wonder if I'll feel them. Right now it's the real thing.

Vicky, I just woke up and am lying in bed typing with one hand. So for now, my short answer is that you didn't overreact. I'll write my longer answer when I'm up and have two free hands.

Tim is sick with the flu and a cold. He slept on the couch last night and is staying home from work. I feel bad, but it's bad timing. I need him to be taking care of me, not the other way around!

 

[NatoPMT]

The problem with losing your temper even in a tiny way is that for people who are manipulative, it then becomes about the loss of temper, rather than the reason you lost your temper. Part of me thinks that if you apologise for losing your temper, then that validates to the in laws that an apology was necessary and you were in the wrong, even if the apology is nothing to do with the situation as a whole

Calling you neurotic for worrying about your daughter having something to eat deserves an apology but they wont apologise for that

I'm not being very helpful regarding how to smooth it over, but actually i think this needs to come to a head..however, they clearly arent going to understand your point of view, and as they are a group then its easy to justify to each other and therefore will validate their behaviour in discussing it together.

It's a massive shame for Hero that she has a set of grandparents like this but i truly believe that them not being in her life is better than them potentially damaging her self esteem by blatantly favouring her cousin. My grandfather hated me, he said my mother had an affair because i have green eyes and everyone else has brown eyes. I dont know how their behaviour will affect Hero, but it wont be positive.

I dont think that you or Hero will lose any quality of family life in stepping back for a while until you have decided with a bit of distance how you want to tackle this. Alex is a different matter. He seems to understand their shortcomings, but i would discuss with him how, now hero is getting older, they might impact her if this carries on.

I personally dont think that family should have carte blanche to treat you how they see fit, you are supposed to be part of a unit and if you aren't treated that way, your life is better without them. I know it might be different in Greece, but whoever damages you is not worth having around, even if they are blood.

Ideally you would be able to fit some common ground in the fact you have their grand daughter, but i am pretty disgusted at how they have behaved towards her. They shouldnt treat you that way but you are a grown up and dont really care, your baby is impressionable and vulnerable. You are who Hero is cared for by, so they have less impact, but any impact of that much negativity is unacceptable.

Rounders, big hug - that sounds terrifying. How do you feel about an induction? If you can get to 37 weeks then you are effectively full term. Did they say what grade the placenta was? i forget the way they measure it now, is it 1, 2 and 3 or somert?

hoping, did you see your fb challenge from Eloise to Penny?

hope all is well for everyone x

 

[NatoPMT]

I forgot you were still on blood thinners! I'm sure it had something to do with the amount of blood. My prediction is you will be showing off pictures of your LO by the end of the weekend. Are you on leave from work now? Enjoy every minute of these last few days. I know that I still occasionally miss my bump and feeling Penny's movements. I loved having her all to myself.

Speaking of movements... do any of you new mommies ever get fantom kicks? I thought this was absurd when I first read about them but a couple of months after I had Penny I felt kicks like I used to when I was pregnant. It was so strange and eery! I still get it occasionally which is crazy

me me i do!! they are really obvious and I've even discussed them with people - when i get them in my sleep i think i am still pregnant. I never thought i'd miss being pregnant, but they kicks make me think i really do miss her thumping around in there.

 

[Round2]

Yay Nato is back! Nato is back!!! I agree with everything you said to Vicky.

Hoping, I got phantom kicks after I had Maddy and even after my losses.

Nato, I didn't get a placenta grade. Actually, I'd never heard of it till now. They did say it looked great though. I'm not too afraid of the possiblity of an induction. TBH, I really hate this ticking time bomb feeling and would welcome the idea of a planned birth. I don't deal well with spontanity....especially this time around when I have to worry about Maddy when the time comes too.

 

[NatoPMT]

haha

Lets hope you arent a ticking bomb, if the blood was an old clot then you certainly aren't, but the bleed has given you reason enough to feel like that so I'm glad that if they think he's better off making his way out into the world then you would be happy with that. i think i would too. You're so very close that I doubt it would have an impact on him so better to have him safe with you. 37 weeks is considered full term so every day takes him closer to that, but i doubt on the stroke of midnight at 37 weeks everything is fine, he's already fine.

As long as the placenta looks good, then its not an abruption so that means the bleed wasnt an abruption, even if that thought is weighing on you.

Im excited, we will have baby boy rounders to coo over!!

 

[vickyd]

Nato you pretty much summed up my feelings on what happened lol!!!
I should'nt have lost my temper because thats the only thing they got out of the whole situation...That "how dare she speak to us in that tone" bullshit...However, im pretty sure that even if i said it in a more civil way they still would not get it and would end up calling me neurotic anyway. I need to sit down with Alex after a couple of weeks and see how we will deal with this situation. I need a break from them and i dont know how long that will last.

Ok here are a few crazy SIL stories from the weekend:
1. Its 2 pm, sun is fucking schorching on the patio where we were having lunch. No shade anywhere. She decides its time to breastfeed. She brings out baby from where he was napping and places him on her breast. The sun is blinding his eyes and most likely will burn his head. Everyone tells her she needs to take him inside and feed him where its cooler. Her responce " He enjoys the company and feeds better around people, mom can you and Tasos (her husband) hold this place mat over his head while he eats?". They dutifully held one side of the placemat each at an angle over his head for the 1 hour she had him ON EACH BREAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next story in a couple of hours.....

 

[heart tree]

Finally dressed and had breakfast and so much chatter. Honestly everything Nato said was what I was thinking as well. I don't think losing your temper was particularly helpful, but on the other hand, given the history, it was bound to happen. And no matter how you handled it, the outcome would have been the same. In some ways, I think it was good that it boiled over like this because the severity of the relationship with them will become blatantly obvious now. They may never see your side of it unfortunately. If anyone is going to get them to come around, I think it has to be Alex. But I wouldn't hold my breath. Their behavior and attitude towards you go very deep. I think the only way they will want to repair the relationship is when they realize they aren't seeing Hero. But that might not be enough of an impetus.

I think distance is appropriate. You need space to cool down. It's also a good thing to keep Hero from their toxic behavior. Not only are they favoring her cousin, they are also saying negative things about her mother. That isn't healthy for her to be around. She is already showing signs of distress around them as she's hiding behind you. She perceives something is amiss. As she gets older, it will only get worse. Perhaps some distance will give everyone some much needed perspective.

I think a good, long talk is important to have with Alex. He's in a tricky position. I do believe there are two sides to every argument. When you talk to him, it's important not to make him feel like he can only be on your side. It sounds like you already know that. You aren't going to try and force him to stay away from them. That's good. That would cause a lot of arguments between the two of you. There are parts of the strained relationship that you might be able to take responsibility for. If you can think of an example or two of times that you might not have acted appropriately and tell him about those times, he will be less likely to get defensive when you are pointing out the things that they have done.

Oh and your SIL is completely nuts!

Nato, so good to see you pop in. Loving all the pics on FB. Those cheeks definitely rival Penny's!.

 

[hoping:)]

Yay! I'm glad you are back, Nato! I have not seen the FB challenge from Eloise to Penny. I'm stuck at work and will have to wait to look at it when I get home. I'm sure it will be good I thought the video you posted on FB of Eloise tooting was hilarious. It was surreal to also hear your voice... I love your accent! American's have such boring accents.

Vicky- thanks for sharing the SIL story. She is definitely a product of her environment and off her rocker. Alex seems pretty normal compared to the rest of his family... how did he escape their crazy ways? Nato and Hearty gave you some great advise and insight. Keep the crazy SIL stories coming!

I'm glad I'm not the only one I know with the fantom kicks. It freaked me out the first time and half the time I can put my hand on my tummy and actually feel them! Is there a reason why this happens?

 

[vickyd]

Hearty thanfully Alex agrees with me and thinks I have ever right to feel the way I do. I confided in him very recently about things they have said or done to me over the years which at the time I kept quiet about so that I would'nt have to put him on the spot. However, he wants this whole thing to just go away and for us to be able to be in the same house on the weekends cause their summer house is much bigger than my parent's is and we essentially have our own apartment compared to a small bedroom at my parents. Also his father is pretty old and I guess he doesnt want to cause him any grief in case it increases his blood pressure or something..

Hoping i get the occasional flutter still almost 1.5 years later lol!

 

[Sugarlove2]

Hi girls.
Vicky, sorry to hear about your fall out. I too agree that it's a good thing that it's come to a head, hopefully you are able to sort things out from here, but a break for you to calm down and think about what you want to do sounds like a good plan. It's good that Alex is on your side. Maybe he can act as a bit of a go between after a few weeks and explain things from your point of view. I think they are bang out of order and I would be furious too!

Your SIL sounds like a total nutter!

Mal's Dad has never even met Charlotte yet, and doesn't seem interested in her at all. Didn't even come to her christening. It's very hurtful, but like my Dad said, it's him missing out on so much. His Dad is a very strange individual and makes little effort with Mal even. Things would have been very different if his Mum was still alive. I feel a bit sad for Charlotte, but my parents more than make up for it and adore her and Mal's sisters are pretty good at seeing her, so balls to him!

Round, it sounds like baby Rounders will be on his way very soon! I'm so excited for you! The bleed sounds terrifying though, bless you.

Sassy so sorry to hear about your little fella. You must be so worried for him. Keep us updated.

Funny you should mention phantom kicks, I thought I felt one in the bath the other day.

Hearty, hope Tim recovers quickly so he can take care of you!

AFM It was so sweet watching all the kids in my village dancing around the maypole yesterday and running around at the sports day. That will be my little poppet in a few years! I put a little jubilee baby gro and a hat on her and she loved all the celebrations.

 

[Sassy_TTC]

Vicky you were 100% in the right, good for you for speaking up and you have nothing to apologise for!x