Disco Derail! - TTCAL/PAL Discussion and Support!

[NatoPMT]

Nato - Honestly I find pregnancy impossible to relax about these days, I think it may be the case for quite a few of us discoers, we've all been through way too much shit My next scan in on Monday and I always dread them!

I hear you. I dont think there was a single scan I enjoyed with Eloise, oh except the 3D one at 30 odd weeks because that was about seeing her face and not checking her health - that was amazing and if you fancy it, id heartily recommend it as an enjoyable pregnancy experience!

Nato, I hate hearing that you feel like you've 'deprived' Eloise of being a sister. She has no idea what it's like to be a sister, so she will never feel deprived. I am an only child and can only dream to have had a family like what you and John can provide for her. She is a very lucky child and will have a wonderful childhood with or without a sibling. I missed that you had reservations about this pregnancy. Is that because you don't feel ready for another child?

I love seeing how happy she is, she's such a little giggler, the best thing is when we look at each other and start laughing. I had reservations because i was worried that i might not be able to maintain how happy we are with the extra stress / sleep deprivation that a baby brings. I was worried i wouldnt be able to cope, and that i wouldnt be able to do for the new baby what I do for eloise, or maintain the level of care she has being an only child

oo shes awake sorry gotta go

 

[LucyJ]

Sparkly saw my dr yesterday she sent me for a blood test today which Ive had and got me an early scan for a week on friday it was tues then got a letter saying a week monday so phoned them up to double check so they've booked me in a week friday I should be 6 weeks. They were really lovely and said any problems between then to just ring and they'll see me. Ive not had anymore spotting since the weekend but my nausea and dizziness has disappeared which I know means nothing but your mind just runs away with you.

I dont think scans will ever be anything but scary I remember having my 32 week scan I could feel Benjamin moving but was still so nervous.

Nato keep talking to us

 

[msarkozi]

Nato! I remember waking up after my mc and thinking it was a nightmare and crying all over again. It's such a tragic loss! You are a great mommy to Eloise and you will give her everything she wants in life, no doubt about it. I hope you are feeling ok, and please talk to us about it as much as you want

oh Sass sweetie, I hope you don't cut yourself off completely. We love you and you are most welcome to talk about anything with us. That is what we are all here for. We have been bonded for almost 3 years now. We care about your very much and we are always here for you

Allie, I would be offended too. I am not sure I would want him to raise my child, if he doesn't like seeing pictures of my child. It just seems odd.

Luce, I am glad you are going to have a scan soon. Can't wait to hear an update!

Sparkly, glad you are doing well

Vick - hi lol! I can't remember all what I read now (sorry)

 

[vickyd]

Nato i have a hard time with Hero, just an example she is 2 next month and still wakes multiple times in the night screaming bloody murder if i dont bring her to bed with me. She fights me on everything, it takes us 1 hour in the morning to get dressed and walk her 2 minutes to my moms house. I feel as exhausted today as when she was a newborn.
This along with a very demanding career results in me not being able to hide my fustration with her which im sure she senses. This in turn leads to guilt. I am the guilt queen of the disco testers.

 

[msarkozi]

Vick, it is so normal for the frustrations. At times I end up raising my voice at Kash because I get frustrated with him not listening to me. And at times when he wakes at night and is trying to play games with me, I give him a light spanking on the bum and tell him to get to bed now! Other times I just say, mommy is going back to bed and so are you or you are getting a spanking! I know how awful it sounds, but it works every time. I love my child more then anything in the world, but sometimes they just frustrate the heck out of us!

 

[Allie84]

Thank you, everyone. I'm glad to have my feelings validated. We're chatting online now (I'm at school and can't talk) and neither of us have brought it up. We have some other friends in mind so I'm going to ask them and then just let my BFF know that we've went with someone else and not make a deal of it, I guess. She says I'm too sensitive and easily offended so I guess I just won't be this time. I'll just let it go, but change gaurdians for sure....

Sassy, I'm sorry if I haven't bee supportive enough. I try to ask questions on your journal but I also don't want to seem like a pest so I just let things go sometimes....but I'm also worried about you!! You read my journal and know that I'm talking about marriage and family problems more than I talk about Alistair. I also feel guilty about that too, but I try to realize that that's what we're here for, and it's good to get support. Everyone knows we loved our babies and they are the lights of our lives. You are a wonderful mummy and it's plainly evident so don't worry about that. Please don't go, I'd hate to lose touch with you after these years!

Nato, I hear you. I really, really do...when you were posting about how easy Eloise is and how that makes you feel, I feel the same way. And the things you posted today I feel the same about. All I can offer is commiseration and love, I have no good advice. Oh, but you haven't cooked your eggs! You're fertile. Oh, and I struggled with those feelings of worrying I 'didn't want' my bean enough when I had a MC. I wasn't actively TTC when I got pregnant and had my MC. I was so scared and upset when I got pregnant and kind of didn't want to be pregnant....then I miscarried. Cue feelings that I caused it. Now I can look back with my rational brain and realize that's not possible. I even googled it a bunch at the time. Ha.

Vicky, I'm sorry you feel that way. You sound a lot like me in the constant worry/guilt/irrational fear arena. I think people like us are just doomed to live a life like that. Or is that too negative? I dunno, I sometimes feel like I'm so ingrained to think like that, that there's nothing to help me. Today I felt scared about something happening to Alistair for no reason. I just freaked out. The last words I said to him before dropping him off at daycare were "Bye, Bunny" because I mis-spoke buddy. As I was leaving daycare I thought "what if those were the last words I spoke to him?" I mean, seriously?! Who thinks like that?!?!?

 

[Allie84]

Update: Apparently I was accidently deleted and he 'loves Alistair'. Hmmmm.

 

[hoping:)]

Allie- I would be offended! It’s their God son so they should at least have some interest. I don’t think you post too many pictures either… I on the other hand am a total Penny paparazzi. I think your concerns are valid. And I understand why you feel hurt because I would too.I'm glad you made up your mind and know what you are going to do. I’m kinda having doubts about the Godparents we picked for Penny as well but not sure how to bring it up with them. Her Godfather is Tim’s best friend since middle school and he and I became very close when we all lived together. He is like family. His girlfriend is a good friend of our as well but they don’t ever ask about Penny and we hardly see them anymore. The last time was for her 1st birthday when they agreed to host it at their house. They have both said they don’t like kids but adore Penny and willingly agreed to be Godparents. I’m kind of wishing I had picked my older sister and her fiancé now. I had to laugh at "bye, bunny"

Sassy- I hate to see you go especially when you are in such a dark place. We are here for you. Don’t worry about talking about your problems. That’s what we are all here for. We are all friends and have been through the good and the bad together.

Nato- Its normal to feel all those emotions and that little bean definitely didn’t feel rejected. Even though you had some reservations (its ok to feel scared about the unknown) you truly wanted that little bean and to give Eloise a chance at being a big sister. I’m glad you are pushing forward and remaining strong. There is nothing else you can do especially when you have a little girl who needs her mommy. Sometimes I can’t believe how strong we all are. Going through what we did and coming out the other side even better and damn good mothers! You deserve another little one as special as your Weasel and I hope you get him/her very soon.

Vicky- that’s a lot of stress you are putting your self under but I’m sure we can all relate. It sounds difficult still feeling the exhaustion a newborn brings. No one functions properly with that much lack of sleep especially on top of a demanding career.

Sparkly- I hope those twinkies of your are not giving their mummy any more trouble!

Lucy- I am excitedly awaiting your scan.

Like everyone else, I still have those heart stopping moments when I feel like something has happened to Penny. I still can’t go to sleep without making sure she is breathing every night before bed. Its not always in a panicky fashion. Its more like routine now but every so often I enter her room with my heart in my throat praying she is ok. I also have this gut feeling that I won’t be around as long as I would like. I’ve always felt like I would die young, like my mother. She was a week away from her 45th birthday. I have this feeling like I will be diagnosed with cancer. I don’t fret over it but its sad that I have accepted it in my mind. I try not to think about it and just live in the moment but its at the back of my mind and I will just have to wait and see if it comes true.

AFM- I just got the news that my uncle (my mom’s brother and best friend) had two strokes this week and has been in the hospital for a few days. He will be in in-patient rehab for a few weeks but is doing ok. He is only 46 but I guess things like this happened. My mom’s side of the family does not have the best luck with health and it worries me. I am supposed to go to North Carolina with Tim on business next month but I think I am going to take Penny to New Mexico instead so we can be with family. Both my grandfathers will be there as well so I think it is good timing.

 

[heart tree]

Hearty at what stage was the uterus empty? couldn't they see anything in the tube at that stage? He did check the tubes but couldnt see anything.

yes they should have checked my hcg but i left the clinic - i had been there for hours and was upset but now im regretting it and starting to worry. I will buy a double frer pack tomorrow and test... then test again in a few days and if it remains positive I'll go back.

Sorry I was traveling all day and am just seeing this. I started bleeding at 12dpo and thought it was AF. Then at 21dpo I started bleeding again for 5 days. I got an hcg test and it came back at 32. That would have put me at over 5 weeks pregnant. They did a few more tests hcg tests, I don't remember how many, before they did an ultrasound. I was over 6 weeks and they didn't see anything in my uterus or tubes. My hcg kept rising which was the only indication of ectopic. I had no pain, no symptoms and nothing was seen in my tubes. They did a D&C and didn't find any pregnancy tissue. That's what confirmed the ectopic. They never saw it in my tube until they did surgery to remove it. There was some concern it might be located elsewhere in my body. Ectopics aren't always in the tubes. I was over 7 weeks when I had the surgery. I'm sure you are fine, but take a few more tests just to make sure they are getting lighter.

I'm not not trying to be a subject changer, but I do have a question and I trust the opinion of you girls. Would you be offended if the husband of the couple you chose to be Godparents defriended you on Facebook because you post too many pictures of the baby?!! This happened to me today. Many months ago I asked my BFF of 15 years to be Alistair's guardian if anything should happen to Alex and I. She still lives in Edinburgh, but she's my friend from back in middle school, high schoo, college and we moved to Scotland together. Anyways, she said yes and was very certain about it. I noticed her hubby, another Scottish dude whom I have known since the day she met him 9 years ago, had defriended me on FB! I sent my BFF a quick message saying "Fran defriended me LOL...any idea why?" She wrote back and said "I don't know, but he did mention something about too many baby pictures being posted." WTF...for one thing, I don't think I post too many and if that's how he feels, would I really want him raising Alistair?l I wrote back asking this very question and now she's mad at me, I can tell. She wants to 'talk' on Skype about it.

PS. Welcome back Amy!

Allie, the other girls have already said it. I would be offended and would recant the request for being godparents. I do find it suspicious that he refriended you.

I've just been fighting my feelings for so long, I'm drowning and I can't continue to feel so desparately unhappy. I have nothing positive to say to anyone and all I do us talk about my problems on here and not my children!

Having children does not save an awful marriage it just makes it 1000x harder to walk away! My kids are the only thing keeping me going!

I've told danny. I've seen my dr and I've started taking anti depressants and sleeping tablets (short term)! I didn't want it to come to this but I cannot feel this hurt and pain any longer.

I just need to get away from everything until my head is in a more "normal" place!

Thanks girls.x

Sassy, I'm so sad that I wasn't there yesterday to respond to this. I often feel the weight of marriage and having a child. It's very, very difficult. I would be honored if you chose to share your feelings with us. We aren't here just to discuss babies. We are here to talk about life. But I also respect your decision to leave. I never have time for journals, so I don't know the extent of you depression, but from this short statement, it sounds difficult. You are brave to admit it. And you are even braver to seek help. We are here for you any time.

Thanks for asking Luce, Vic & Ash

Its almost harder this time, last time the mmc was so physically brutal that it provided a bit of a distraction from what was happening. This time i have nothing to be traumatised about so the only thing i have to think about is what I've lost.

Im feeling extremely confident its not ectopic. My symptoms are entirely gone, im still bleeding slightly but boobs are completely normal. I am going to do a test when i can get to the chemist, but im certain that Ive miscarried fully.

Im doing ok but woke up this morning and then remembered, and had that horrible sinking feeling. Im getting anxious about something happening to weasel, and i feel ive deprived her of the chance to experience being a big sister. I know this is illogical, but im worried my reservations about having another stopped this baby growing, like the bean felt rejected.

Allie - your friend is out of order. What skin is it off their nose if you post pics of your baby? You're not spamming, so what the hell is that passive aggressive defriending all about? I could understand if you were expressing views that were controversial for eg, that can warrant a defriending, but posting the odd photo of your baby, on a page about your life is completely acceptable. Why is that so offensive to him? And why the hell didnt she tell him to pull his socks up, rather than giving you a casual explanation of what he thought so important as to cut you off? If you talk to them, i wouldnt focus on whether you do or do not post too much (you dont) i would ask why they didnt talk to you about it, or why they felt your posting was worth putting your friendship at risk.

Each loss is hard in it's own way. For me, I grieved them all differently. They had their place in time and circumstances made each difficult but different from the others. There is no comparison. They are unique losses. And you most certainly did not cause this one not to flourish. Sadly, it just happens. And even worse, it happens more as we get older. I know this isn't new to you. The fact that this one didn't make it doesn't have a bearing on what your feelings were about it.

Nato i have a hard time with Hero, just an example she is 2 next month and still wakes multiple times in the night screaming bloody murder if i dont bring her to bed with me. She fights me on everything, it takes us 1 hour in the morning to get dressed and walk her 2 minutes to my moms house. I feel as exhausted today as when she was a newborn.
This along with a very demanding career results in me not being able to hide my fustration with her which im sure she senses. This in turn leads to guilt. I am the guilt queen of the disco testers.

How many of us have felt frustrated at our kids? Raise your hand. Mine is raised. It's so damn hard being a mother. And I'm getting a sense that Delilah is much like Hero. She is so active that I look forward to her next nap. I'm constantly exhausted by her. I love her, but am exhausted. None of us were immune to the range of emotions our parents felt. It's what makes us well rounded people. As long as you are balancing your frustration with love, she'll be fine.

AFM- I just got the news that my uncle (my mom’s brother and best friend) had two strokes this week and has been in the hospital for a few days. He will be in in-patient rehab for a few weeks but is doing ok. He is only 46 but I guess things like this happened. My mom’s side of the family does not have the best luck with health and it worries me. I am supposed to go to North Carolina with Tim on business next month but I think I am going to take Penny to New Mexico instead so we can be with family. Both my grandfathers will be there as well so I think it is good timing.

I'm so sorry to hear about your uncle. He's so young! It is possible to bounce back from strokes. It's good that he is doing inpatient rehab. The quicker he is using his brain, the better he'll heal. And did you know that when parts of the brain are damaged by strokes, the brain finds other pathways around the damage to get the same tasks done. The brain is amazing. I think it's good you'll be with family.


Lucy, good luck at your scan.

Hi to everyone else!

Long day of travel yesterday, but Delilah was a star. She didn't cry once and it took us 13 hours from door to door. I can't say it was easy taking a 5 hour plane ride alone with her, but she was great. I'm a little fed up with Tim at the moment though. He had 2 weeks without us here. I asked him to clean the house. Nothing was done! I even had to make the bed when I got home and I was exhausted. There was a pile of clothes in Delilah's bed too. So instead of coming home to a clean house, I feel like I have even more work to do. I'm already feeling sad that I had to leave my mom. And I'm feeling isolated as there is no one here to help me during the days with the baby. Now I also feel frustrated with my husband. And he wants to have sex tonight! I highly doubt that will happen. I really wanted to come back and feel chemistry towards him, but I didn't. I'm feeling even more distant. I really don't feel like he pulls his weight. His argument would be that he has a job and makes all the money. But I feel like my job is 24/7, even while I was on vacation. I'm not sure how to broach it without getting into an argument. Any ideas? I'm so tired I can't think straight right now.

 

[hoping:)]

Hearty- coming home from vaction to a dirty house is one of my biggest pet peeves. I would be upset as well especially since he only had himself to take care of for two weeks. I totally agree with you, being a stay at home parent is 24/7 and not a walk in the park. It is so much easier for me to go to work and do adult things. Has Tim ever had to watch Delilah by himself for more than 24 hours or even just during the day? If I'm really upset the only way I can have a calm conversation with Tim is to write to him. I know its silly but when I am feeling very passionate about something my emotions get in the way. when we are having an actual conversation I never seem to get everything out before I start getting upset and saying things wrong Writing allows me to express everything I am feeling without interruption and then we are able to sit down as discuss the matter calmly and effectively.

 

[heart tree]

Thanks Amber, that's a really excellent suggestion!

No, Tim has never had her for that long since I'm BF'ing her. What really got to me is that while we were in Florida, he emailed me saying he wanted to put her in her crib on the first night back. She's never slept in the crib before! I said I respectfully disagreed as I would be exhausted and she would be off her game. I also reminded him we agreed to start with naps in her crib as a way to transition her. He agreed. But last night I put her in the co-sleeper next to me. She woke up at 1am and I patted her until she fell back asleep. Then she woke at 3am. I tried the same thing but she cried. She cried for less than a minute before Tim said "this isn't working," meaning the crying. I tried to explain that I was trying to soothe her rather than nurse her, but I didn't feel like arguing at 3am so I just picked her up and nursed her. I got to listen to him snore while I was awake. Grrrr. She did that several more times in the early morning and he would say, "what can I do?" but then would fall back asleep. I'm thinking that once she is in her crib, as long as I know she isn't hungry, I'm going to make him get up and settle her. We'll see how it goes.

Thanks for your input.

 

[LucyJ]

How many of us have felt frustrated at our kids? Raise your hand. Mine is raised. It's so damn hard being a mother. And I'm getting a sense that Delilah is much like Hero. She is so active that I look forward to her next nap. I'm constantly exhausted by her. I love her, but am exhausted. None of us were immune to the range of emotions our parents felt. It's what makes us well rounded people. As long as you are balancing your frustration with love, she'll be fine.

Raising my hand. Vicky being a mum is hard work on top of that you have a demanding job and you are doing it all on very little sleep I dont know you are still standing sometimes.

Long day of travel yesterday, but Delilah was a star. She didn't cry once and it took us 13 hours from door to door. I can't say it was easy taking a 5 hour plane ride alone with her, but she was great. I'm a little fed up with Tim at the moment though. He had 2 weeks without us here. I asked him to clean the house. Nothing was done! I even had to make the bed when I got home and I was exhausted. There was a pile of clothes in Delilah's bed too. So instead of coming home to a clean house, I feel like I have even more work to do. I'm already feeling sad that I had to leave my mom. And I'm feeling isolated as there is no one here to help me during the days with the baby. Now I also feel frustrated with my husband. And he wants to have sex tonight! I highly doubt that will happen. I really wanted to come back and feel chemistry towards him, but I didn't. I'm feeling even more distant. I really don't feel like he pulls his weight. His argument would be that he has a job and makes all the money. But I feel like my job is 24/7, even while I was on vacation. I'm not sure how to broach it without getting into an argument. Any ideas? I'm so tired I can't think straight right now.

Coming home to house that hasnt been cleaned and things to do is so frustrating and would have left me beyond angry especially after all the travelling you had done. Steve and I went through this I'd recommend sitting down calmly and talking rather than lossing your temper because hes decided to go down the pub with a mate which is what I did. Steve quite often goes out and I was feeling frustrated, lonely & felt that we werent his pirority. He said that he needed down time as he works very hard and then he comes home and I expect him to have Benjamin. I said well thats fine but wheres my down time I dont think he understood that even if I went to a baby group or met a friend with her little one I was still focused on Benjamin and it wasnt down time. He does bath time eveery night he thought it was because I didnt want to do it but actually its because I think its important that he and benjamin have special time together & that was a good time for them to have. We had a fight I got irritated told him to go out he went out I was upset then wouldnt talk to him but we ended up chatting whilst lying in bed it was calm we both apologised for shouting. He explained how he felt and I explained how I felt. One thing that did help was accidental we were meant to meet friends for lunch I wasnt well so steve went with Benjamin and he was shattered when he got home normally Im there so he can sit & chat but on this occassion he had to be completely focused on Benjamin. All I can suggest is be totally honest about how you feel and get Tim to have Delilah so you have some me time.

 

[msarkozi]

It's very frustrating Hearty. Gord does not help me out at all, so even when I go away and he is at home, I still come home to having to clean up all his messes he made and doing all the laundry because he wouldn't do it at all for himself. I get into an arguement with him about it all the time and I have told him he is lazy and useless. I always get the I work and bring home the money thing too, to which I tell him I have a full time job as well and bring home money, but that I also have to be a parent for the rest of the time I am home, as well as be his little slave. I really don't think some men get it at all. They must have been babied by their moms or something and expect us to do the same for them.

I agree with you that when you transition to the crib, it would be easier to start with the naps. Then slowly move to the night time. I didn't have Kash in our room to begin with, so I can't offer much advice there other then I think you are right about how you want to do it.

hoping, I think I am much like you and I would rather write to communicate my feelings. For me, I am a very sensitive person and I hate confrontations as they generally make me cry. It's much easier for me to write out my feelings and have someone read it. Like you say, it is uninterrupted as well, and so you have a chance to get everything out without someone cutting in and then you forgetting.

 

[vickyd]

haha!! Hearty you crackme up!! You will be getting up to soothe her in her crib, thats a fact!! Tim might do it 3 times a month tops. Unless you have the mighty exception to the rule, honey you will be doing all the work. Me and Alex have fought a million times about him not pulling his weight (aka he does nada around the house) even though i work full time and take care of Hero 80% of the evening. Sometimes i just go mental and start throwing stuff at him cause i feel like im talking to wall.
Oh and Delilah is most likely nothing like Hero cause if Hero was travelling for all those hours, the plane would have made an emergency landing or you would have left her in the Wc!!!! Hero cant make it 30 minutes in the car without driving us mental!!!!

 

[Allie84]

I love that ther's 10 of us viewing this thread right now!! Post ladies. I see you lurkers....

Anyways, Hearty and Amber I want to respond to you but I'm on my way to class! I didn't want to read and run. Will respond tonight.

 

[LucyJ]

No, Tim has never had her for that long since I'm BF'ing her. What really got to me is that while we were in Florida, he emailed me saying he wanted to put her in her crib on the first night back. She's never slept in the crib before! I said I respectfully disagreed as I would be exhausted and she would be off her game. I also reminded him we agreed to start with naps in her crib as a way to transition her. He agreed. But last night I put her in the co-sleeper next to me. She woke up at 1am and I patted her until she fell back asleep. Then she woke at 3am. I tried the same thing but she cried. She cried for less than a minute before Tim said "this isn't working," meaning the crying. I tried to explain that I was trying to soothe her rather than nurse her, but I didn't feel like arguing at 3am so I just picked her up and nursed her. I got to listen to him snore while I was awake. Grrrr. She did that several more times in the early morning and he would say, "what can I do?" but then would fall back asleep. I'm thinking that once she is in her crib, as long as I know she isn't hungry, I'm going to make him get up and settle her. We'll see how it goes.

I remember that the thing that used to drive me nuts is when steve would wake up after a good nights sleep ok he may of woken when benjamim cried but went straight back to sleep and say Im so tired what an awful night used to make me mad when Id been up half the night with him. I never expected steve to get up with benjamin during the week mainly as he has physical job and dangerous considering the tools he works with so didnt want him being tired but at the weekends I expected him to help and he regluarly now gets up in the morning with benjamim at weekends so I can stay in bed

 

[NatoPMT]

Luce, cant wait to hear your scan news when you get there, I have a good feeling about your baby bean

Nato! I remember waking up after my mc and thinking it was a nightmare and crying all over again. It's such a tragic loss! You are a great mommy to Eloise and you will give her everything she wants in life, no doubt about it. I hope you are feeling ok, and please talk to us about it as much as you want

Thank you. That waking up to remember thing is just horrible. For that split second, all is well, then its really not

Nato i have a hard time with Hero, just an example she is 2 next month and still wakes multiple times in the night screaming bloody murder if i dont bring her to bed with me. She fights me on everything, it takes us 1 hour in the morning to get dressed and walk her 2 minutes to my moms house. I feel as exhausted today as when she was a newborn.
This along with a very demanding career results in me not being able to hide my fustration with her which im sure she senses. This in turn leads to guilt. I am the guilt queen of the disco testers.

Without wanting to undermine your worries about chemicals and stuff, i guess this maybe the above is issue thats the source of the anxiety, with other stuff loading on top and providing more fuel. I honestly couldnt cope with working as well as being a mummy, and my baby is much less tricky - i think youre doing an amazing job - I know you want to work, perhaps like Cesca does too, but theres a lot to juggle. It would take me 2 hours to get weasel ready too but because i dont have to, it doesnt feel like a problem, if i worked normal hours then it would be. I think you just have a lot on your plate so having a feisty and selectively independent toddler makes it all seem like even more. The waking up thing is a nightmare, i can see how that would be extremely stressful, you cant do everything, be exhausted and it not feel hard and frustrating. Thats not you being a bad mummy, its how everyone in the world would feel in that position. Sounds like there's nothing you can do so all i can say is youre normal to feel that way. My friend has a really bad sleeper, i think i mentioned to you that she got a sleep specialist in to help her but cant remember what you said back..maybe there wasnt one in greece?

Thank you, everyone. I'm glad to have my feelings validated. We're chatting online now (I'm at school and can't talk) and neither of us have brought it up. We have some other friends in mind so I'm going to ask them and then just let my BFF know that we've went with someone else and not make a deal of it, I guess. She says I'm too sensitive and easily offended so I guess I just won't be this time. I'll just let it go, but change gaurdians for sure....

youre too sensitive? gah!!! Thats really annoyed me. If youre too sensitive, why pretend it was a mistake to defriend? I dont appreciate you being told you have to adapt who you are (while actually your 'oversensitivity' is a reasonable level of concern considering the circumstance and being honest about how you feel, to their sneaky defriending) ....to allow for their passive aggressiveness and their apparent mistakes. I know they are your pals and you will get past it, but in this moment, im annoyed with them.

Nato, I hear you. I really, really do...when you were posting about how easy Eloise is and how that makes you feel, I feel the same way. And the things you posted today I feel the same about. All I can offer is commiseration and love, I have no good advice. Oh, but you haven't cooked your eggs! You're fertile. Oh, and I struggled with those feelings of worrying I 'didn't want' my bean enough when I had a MC. I wasn't actively TTC when I got pregnant and had my MC. I was so scared and upset when I got pregnant and kind of didn't want to be pregnant....then I miscarried. Cue feelings that I caused it. Now I can look back with my rational brain and realize that's not possible. I even googled it a bunch at the time. Ha.

Thats how my 1st mc was too. I freaked out, despite trying. And how much I wanted eloise was different to this time, i really wanted my bean, but the excitement was tinged with some concern which was enough to remind me of how i felt about mmc no. 1

The last words I said to him before dropping him off at daycare were "Bye, Bunny" because I mis-spoke buddy. As I was leaving daycare I thought "what if those were the last words I spoke to him?" I mean, seriously?! Who thinks like that?!?!?

sorry for laughing, but sometimes i just love how nutty us lot are

Hope youre uncle gets better very soon, sounds serious so hope things improve

I love your pics of penny. Do not stop.

We have talked about the worries of rejection before. I remember Vic saying some old trout told her sids babies didnt feel loved. And how my therapist didnt deny it when i said 'what if my baby thought i didnt want it?' - she just nodded and not in a 'i understand your irrational fear way'. Which kinda cemented that worry, i think in retrospect she meant 'we dont actually know what happens' so didnt dismiss my fear like she dismissed some of my other fears

On your fears, youre very healthy so you do all you can and you are the last person id expect to worry about that, losing your mum must add to that anxiety and its something that i wish we could all just say 'lets live for the day and be happy our present is here' but thats so much easier said than done

Hearty at what stage was the uterus empty? couldn't they see anything in the tube at that stage? He did check the tubes but couldnt see anything.

yes they should have checked my hcg but i left the clinic - i had been there for hours and was upset but now im regretting it and starting to worry. I will buy a double frer pack tomorrow and test... then test again in a few days and if it remains positive I'll go back.

Sorry I was traveling all day and am just seeing this. I started bleeding at 12dpo and thought it was AF. Then at 21dpo I started bleeding again for 5 days. I got an hcg test and it came back at 32. That would have put me at over 5 weeks pregnant. They did a few more tests hcg tests, I don't remember how many, before they did an ultrasound. I was over 6 weeks and they didn't see anything in my uterus or tubes. My hcg kept rising which was the only indication of ectopic. I had no pain, no symptoms and nothing was seen in my tubes. They did a D&C and didn't find any pregnancy tissue. That's what confirmed the ectopic. They never saw it in my tube until they did surgery to remove it. There was some concern it might be located elsewhere in my body. Ectopics aren't always in the tubes. I was over 7 weeks when I had the surgery. I'm sure you are fine, but take a few more tests just to make sure they are getting lighter.

crap. Thanks for the info, worrying though that is, i needed to hear that.

Long day of travel yesterday, but Delilah was a star. She didn't cry once and it took us 13 hours from door to door. I can't say it was easy taking a 5 hour plane ride alone with her, but she was great. I'm a little fed up with Tim at the moment though. He had 2 weeks without us here. I asked him to clean the house. Nothing was done! I even had to make the bed when I got home and I was exhausted. There was a pile of clothes in Delilah's bed too. So instead of coming home to a clean house, I feel like I have even more work to do. I'm already feeling sad that I had to leave my mom. And I'm feeling isolated as there is no one here to help me during the days with the baby. Now I also feel frustrated with my husband. And he wants to have sex tonight! I highly doubt that will happen. I really wanted to come back and feel chemistry towards him, but I didn't. I'm feeling even more distant. I really don't feel like he pulls his weight. His argument would be that he has a job and makes all the money. But I feel like my job is 24/7, even while I was on vacation. I'm not sure how to broach it without getting into an argument. Any ideas? I'm so tired I can't think straight right now.

Sorry youre leaving your lovely mum and coming home to this. His argument is valid to a point, and i think its agreeing on where that point is that helps you both find your place in the partnership. And thats what it is, a partnership. He goes to work 9-5 and earns money. You look after your (plural) baby and do that 24-7.

So, if you went to work the same hours as him, how would the partnership work? What would happen in the evenings and mornings?

Now, thats what I think should happen now. I think that you do your job in the day, he does his, then it gets split in the weekends / evenings. Because you both input to the household and the partnership and the family, just because his brings in physical money, doesnt make it any more valid, just more tangible.

So lets make your role tangible.

Annual salary of a nanny: £31,500
Annual salary of a private chef: £30,000
Annual salary of a cleaner/maid: £12,000

So your work is valued at £73k or so, converted to $ = $117k per annum

https://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2011/feb/07/pay-rises-nannies-working-week

https://www.cheftalk.com/t/8137/rates-for-private-chefs

https://www.payscale.com/research/UK/Job=Maid_or_Housekeeping_Cleaner/Hourly_Rate

Thats a lot of work he's expecting you to add to the partnership - he could shave off some of that value by helping out occasionally. Men like facts (stereotype alert) so give him some cold hard money facts.

 

[Sassy_TTC]

I can't even explain my self, my head says different to what I'm able to say aloud! I'm not even making sense am I!

I'm so unhappy, I'm not in love with my husband and cannot remember the last time I was! If he cheated or gave me reason it would be so much easier! I don't know if its real! I'm so unhappy and I'm trying to find reasons why! I know my marriage is over! I hate myself, I hate that I'm going to let my kids come from a broken home, there's no reason other than my selfishness!

Every thing is a struggle, I can't sit down for more than 5 minutes, I drive for hours everyday, around and around just to keep busy!

I have a constant lump in my throat, my belly hurts so much, that physical pain ya know you feel when you lose a baby!

I'm making no sense at all!

 

[vickyd]

Sass i think you make alot of sense...You are unhappy and the guilt of raising your children in a "broken" home is overwhelming you. The dispair we feel when we are unhappy although in theory we have everything we ever wanted is so difficult to deal with. I think the best thing is for you to speak about what youre feeling, get it out there even if at first it seems like it doesnt make sense. Just vocalising your feelings helps lift the weight off your shoulders.

Nato loved the salary break down!!!! Fucking ACE!!!!
I have a long history of piling all my anxieties in one plate to a point where i dont know what exactly is the root of all my worries. In this situation i think my main problem is my feeling inadequate as a mother. This is what i need to deal with rather than freaking out about chemical exposures. Although this will always be a worry for me, to be honest there is nothing i can do to change the past nor do i have the luxury of not working or even changing profession at this age.

 

[msarkozi]

oh Sass, sweetie! Is it possible you can take a week or something to yourself to try and find you again? Can the kids stay with Danny or someone while you go away?

If you truly don't love Danny anymore, then I don't think you should be in the marriage. Maybe you would be happy again after that. As much as we want our children to have both parents, sometimes that doesn't always happen and you shouldn't feel bad about it. If you stay in it just for the sake of the kids, then it will make it much worse.

You have two young children and so it is going to be very stressful on you. They are demanding all your attention, and then you have nothing left to give by the end of the day. You are so worn out and tired, and that right there can lead to depression.

It really sounds like you can benefit from some time alone to rest.

We are here for you Please don't hate yourself...you are beautiful and a great mom to two beautiful children!