So long, sorry
Had my DS 8 months ago but it is all still so fresh in my mind, here are some of my funny stories:
I had two midwives through pg and birth, one was awesome and one was terrible. Terrible mw checked me at 40+2 and I was hard, posterior and 0cm, she told me I wouldn't go into labour for another week at least. Went into labour that night. I held out and didn't call her until cx were 2 mins apart as I was scared of going in and being sent home. She basically didn't believe me and told me to come to the clinic (across town) to be checked and not to bother bringing my bags. We drive over there (horrible), cx are 1 min apart and DH has to practically carry me in. I literally walked in the door and the mw who was in reception said "nope, go right to L&D". Mw was not even at the clinic at this point btw.
Drive across town again and I seriously am worrying that I will have the baby in the car. DH just dumps the car at the entrance with keys still in the ignition and tells the security guard to please not tow us. He looks at me with a horrified face and quietly shakes his head yes.
Then this random enormous black man with a heavy african accent grabs a wheel chair and says he will take us up. He proceeds to rub my shoulders and proclaim over and over "praise God! Praise Jesus! Praise God baby is healthy and strong!" I'm a little weirded out but too far gone to really care. We wheel up to the elevator and there are literally about 20 people waiting. They all give me a very wide berth and many of the men look horrified, one guy keeps pushing the elevator button over and over and muttering about how long it is taking. Keep in mind at this time I am at 7cm and screaming my head off, my DH looks like he is going to pass out and random African guy is shouting God's praises. When the elevator came no one else got in...
We get up to L&D, bid goodbye to very nice but overly enthusiastic random hospital patron, am quickly checked (7cm! yay!) and put into a room. After we got into the room we find out that African man is actually the chief of neonatology! LOL! Makes so much more sense!
My mother decided to rush over to the hospital when DH called her and she burst into the room as I am bent over the bed with my bum hanging out and sucking on G&A. I shouted at her to bugger off! She quickly left and I felt badly afterward but she said she understood. At some point my DH manages to call a friend with our house key to bring my bags because I can't stop obsessing over them. As it turned out I was home within 19 hours of admission and used almost nothing anyway. Basically only needed clothing to go home in for me and baby and my camera.
During pushing he got stuck as he was back to back with his head tilted to the side, the mws manually turned him but I had been pushing for more than 2 hours. The hospital policy was that after 2 hours an OB has to come in for a consult. So a man whom I had never met comes in a roughly shoves his hands up my lady bits and declares that the head is right there so it should be easy, just push it out. Then walks out the room. Awesome mw jokingly pats me on the leg and says "see, it should be easy! Good thing he had a look, otherwise we never would have thought of just pushing him out." I had a good laugh for the first time in hours.
Terrible mw was sewing me up and my epidural had finally kicked in after not working at all through my 2.5hrs of pushing and I could not feel a thing. As she was down there though I kept passing gas right in her face and spraying blood and God knows what else all over her! I was so humiliated and she looked pissed off about it too which made me feel worse. I started kind of laughing on the inside thinking "haha, serves you right B****". I got some in her mouth too.
That's my story, TTC for #2 right now so hopefully I will be back at L&D sometime in the near future!