Have u or do u spank your child? Non judgmental thread

[TwilightAgain]

Wow....people actually still spank?

There are hundreds of parenting books out there. Read a few, people!

thank you. and i still stay with my opinion... but i shake my head at a lot of people here, thinking it is okay...

It's amazing to me that people still think it's ok.

You make it sound like they're beating them with whips and canes. Its a light tap on the bum to signify NO.

I was smacked a couple of times as a kid, never did me any harm. And I certainly don't respect my family any less, if anything i'm proud of how they raised me. And taught me the difference between right and wrong.

I don't have any kids yet but I don't think I will use the smacking method, but I wouldn't condemn others for doing so. As long as it is just a light tap I don't see the issue.

 

[Elucida]

I am amazed this thread has stayed open!

I have seen children who have misbehaved and told that if they do not stop continuing to do x y or z they will get a smack.
I have seen children who are 'gentle parented' who are CONSTANTLY made to justify themselves, are empathised with til the point of (quite literally) they are desperately trying to break out of a car or 'mothers loving grip' so they can actually get on with their day and most importantly, who are so totally unaware of their own boundaries that they simply have no idea what is truly right or wrong.

I get very pissed off, with these 'holier than thou, I'm parenting my child to a specific model some guy taught me in a book' parents.

In my opinion and experience, they are just as likely to not have a clue as anyone else


Fact is we are all on a parenting forum, we obviously all give a toss about our kids.

So how about we respect that there are different ways to parent?

From witnessing 'unconditional parenting' and 'gentle discipline' as well as more holistic parenting, I know exactly what I will be doing. And it will NOT be listening to someone who tells me all other parents are conditional/none gentle/ detached parents, so that I can sit on a pedestal on threads like this and look down on people.

I've had this debate with you already. That's an incredibly narrow view and, if you were to even call your, completely anecdotal, evidence a study, with a sample size of what? 2? 4? you'd , quite frankly, be laughed at. So, it doesn't qualify as evidence any more than "I was formula fed and so was hubby and we're healthy".

Spanking is consitently assosciated with mental health problems. I'm not sure anyone respectable recommends it anymore as a method of parenting. It's just not necessary, no matter your parenting philosophy. Though, if you can bring me peer reviewed studies on these, so called, pitfalls of UP/AP then I'm all ears.

 

[Elucida]

I've already presented my case and have been completely ignored. I am getting the impression that people only want to hear from those who agree with them or those who are winding the situation up...

I'll quote myself, anyway, for anyone who actually is interested in learning a different approach.

Never. Often, there is quite a big difference between the message you think you are sending and the message that is being received.

Primarily, parents believe that a swat/spank will send a firm message that x, y or z is totally unacceptable, dangerous or whatever. What is actually being received by the child is "when someone does something that I don't want them to do, and I want them not to do it again, I should hit them." which is not a good message to be sending - it's often totally unintentional but parents don't always appreciate that they model the behaviour that their children go on to display themselves.

It's not even necessary. There are other ways to teach or send the right message to children, plenty of parents manage not to swat/spank and don't have unruly children. It takes more time and effort, but it's definitely possible and absolutely worth it.

Bottom line, children are equals - if you wouldn't hit your OH to teach him not to do something again, then why is it any different for a child? Them taking longer to learn/understand doesn't mean pain needs to be introduced to the equation. Though, in my experience, it doesn't take them all that long to understand - not with attentive, understanding parenting.

 

[jessicatunnel]

i was not attacking one person, i think everyone who spanks abuses their children. and that is what i think! and i stand by it... what do you guys want... pitty for you hurting your children???

Where do you get off saying this? The OP wanted advice in a tough situation and there are other lighthearted ways of giving your opinion without name calling. And calling people child abusers isnt even name calling, its an ACCUSATION and a very serious one at that. You call the cops or cps and I guarantee you they'll look at you like your stupid because a light swat on the bum IS NOT illegal and NOT classified as ABUSE. Unless the parent is BEATING their child and you have proof you have no right to call them child abusers, its just plain wrong. You went about this the completely wrong way and I think you should apologize to the mothers you have offended here. You are entitled to an opinion but like I said, that is not an opinion its an accusation! Look at all the other posters on here who do not agree with spanking, they very kindly explained their reasons without being irrational and saying people abuse their children. Take a hint, man. Geez.

Swatting is not the same thing as beating. The people that do take it that far are very much in the wrong and I think we all believe THAT is not okay, but a light tap on the bum that doesn't hurt the child is okay. Yes, you've made your point you don't agree, we've all read that. Loud and clear, but again no need for calling people who do spank child abusers.

To the other posters who don't agree with spanking, I applaud you for kindly explaining your reasons behind your belief and not attacking others or making accusations. I completely understand your reasoning and respect it and value your opinion. To the judgemental posters who are attacking people, I pity you.

 

[TwilightAgain]

I've already presented my case and have been completely ignored. I am getting the impression that people only want to hear from those who agree with them or those who are winding the situation up...

I'll quote myself, anyway, for anyone who actually is interested in learning a different approach.

Never. Often, there is quite a big difference between the message you think you are sending and the message that is being received.

Primarily, parents believe that a swat/spank will send a firm message that x, y or z is totally unacceptable, dangerous or whatever. What is actually being received by the child is "when someone does something that I don't want them to do, and I want them not to do it again, I should hit them." which is not a good message to be sending - it's often totally unintentional but parents don't always appreciate that they model the behaviour that their children go on to display themselves.

It's not even necessary. There are other ways to teach or send the right message to children, plenty of parents manage not to swat/spank and don't have unruly children. It takes more time and effort, but it's definitely possible and absolutely worth it.

Bottom line, children are equals - if you wouldn't hit your OH to teach him not to do something again, then why is it any different for a child? Them taking longer to learn/understand doesn't mean pain needs to be introduced to the equation. Though, in my experience, it doesn't take them all that long to understand - not with attentive, understanding parenting.

I get what your saying about the message. Its logical but not always necessarily the way things will work.

Eg I never thought it was ok to hit others just because I was angry, nor do I think that now. I just thought oh I made Dad angry, I must have done something wrong so I deserved that smack. Your argument is logical but not necessarily the case.

 

[Elucida]

People might be interested to learn that the NSPCC think smacking/spanking of any kind should be illegal. I'm not bringing abuse into the equation as people respond badly to this, but the NSPCC have a lot of information at their fingertips, from studies to extensive experience of children with mental health problems and, even if you don't believe me, they are a voice to be respected when it comes to child welfare.

If they think it's a problem, you can bet that they have extensive evidence backing them up.

 

[Elucida]

I've already presented my case and have been completely ignored. I am getting the impression that people only want to hear from those who agree with them or those who are winding the situation up...

I'll quote myself, anyway, for anyone who actually is interested in learning a different approach.

Never. Often, there is quite a big difference between the message you think you are sending and the message that is being received.

Primarily, parents believe that a swat/spank will send a firm message that x, y or z is totally unacceptable, dangerous or whatever. What is actually being received by the child is "when someone does something that I don't want them to do, and I want them not to do it again, I should hit them." which is not a good message to be sending - it's often totally unintentional but parents don't always appreciate that they model the behaviour that their children go on to display themselves.

It's not even necessary. There are other ways to teach or send the right message to children, plenty of parents manage not to swat/spank and don't have unruly children. It takes more time and effort, but it's definitely possible and absolutely worth it.

Bottom line, children are equals - if you wouldn't hit your OH to teach him not to do something again, then why is it any different for a child? Them taking longer to learn/understand doesn't mean pain needs to be introduced to the equation. Though, in my experience, it doesn't take them all that long to understand - not with attentive, understanding parenting.

I get what your saying about the message. Its logical but not always necessarily the way things will work.

Eg I never thought it was ok to hit others just because I was angry, nor do I think that now. I just thought oh I made Dad angry, I must have done something wrong so I deserved that smack. Your argument is logical but not necessarily the case.

I think it is quite suggestive of how you were parented, overall, that you ever felt you deserved physical pain. I mean, even by your own admission you didn't even know you had done something wrong until he hit you. That seems terribly unfair and that you accepted it suggests, to me, that you were taught to respect and obey without even stopping to think. You basically ignored your own thoughts and feeling through this blind respect, I say blind as you didn;t even understand why - just that he must be right to do so.

I wonder, as an adult, do you always trust your emotions? Do you find that you become confused and upset in arguments with people close to you?

There are always knock on effects, you see. And I don't think it not being exactly as outlined by my post, doesn't mean there aren't negative messages of all kinds being received. Blind obedience is quite an important one. Often people who were parented in this way are more susceptible to peer pressure and blindly following others. Not always, but confidence issues are pretty common.

 

[Sunshine12]

People might be interested to learn that the NSPCC think smacking/spanking of any kind should be illegal. I'm not bringing abuse into the equation as people respond badly to this, but the NSPCC have a lot of information at their fingertips, from studies to extensive experience of children with mental health problems and, even if you don't believe me, they are a voice to be respected when it comes to child welfare.

If they think it's a problem, you can bet that they have extensive evidence backing them up.

Why isnt it illegal then?

I reckon that good parenting is a mixture of obtaining as much information as you can to allow you to make informed decisions but I also think you have to rely heavily on parental instinct. I for one will not be relying on studies and books to make all my decisions and if I feel it appropriate to put my child in time out or smack them (unlikely I will do the latter but I dont judge anyone that does), I wouldnt really care whether a book said its wrong or not.

 

[TwilightAgain]

I've already presented my case and have been completely ignored. I am getting the impression that people only want to hear from those who agree with them or those who are winding the situation up...

I'll quote myself, anyway, for anyone who actually is interested in learning a different approach.

Never. Often, there is quite a big difference between the message you think you are sending and the message that is being received.

Primarily, parents believe that a swat/spank will send a firm message that x, y or z is totally unacceptable, dangerous or whatever. What is actually being received by the child is "when someone does something that I don't want them to do, and I want them not to do it again, I should hit them." which is not a good message to be sending - it's often totally unintentional but parents don't always appreciate that they model the behaviour that their children go on to display themselves.

It's not even necessary. There are other ways to teach or send the right message to children, plenty of parents manage not to swat/spank and don't have unruly children. It takes more time and effort, but it's definitely possible and absolutely worth it.

Bottom line, children are equals - if you wouldn't hit your OH to teach him not to do something again, then why is it any different for a child? Them taking longer to learn/understand doesn't mean pain needs to be introduced to the equation. Though, in my experience, it doesn't take them all that long to understand - not with attentive, understanding parenting.

I get what your saying about the message. Its logical but not always necessarily the way things will work.

Eg I never thought it was ok to hit others just because I was angry, nor do I think that now. I just thought oh I made Dad angry, I must have done something wrong so I deserved that smack. Your argument is logical but not necessarily the case.

I think it is quite suggestive of how you were parented, overall, that you ever felt you deserved physical pain. I mean, even by your own admission you didn't even know you had done something wrong until he hit you. That seems terribly unfair and that you accepted it suggests, to me, that you were taught to respect and obey without even stopping to think. You basically ignored your own thoughts and feeling through this blind respect, I say blind as you didn;t even understand why - just that he must be right to do so.

I wonder, as an adult, do you always trust your emotions? Do you find that you become confused and upset in arguments with people close to you?

There are always knock on effects, you see. And I don't think it not being exactly as outlined by my post, doesn't mean there aren't negative messages of all kinds being received. Blind obedience is quite an important one. Often people who were parented in this way are more susceptible to peer pressure and blindly following others. Not always, but confidence issues are pretty common.

Oh no, I always knew I'd done wrong, but I could be a bit of a monkey and just laugh at them or ignore/argue so I don't mind at all that they smacked me. It was excessive at all and the sting lasted a few seconds. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't very often, maybe 4/5 times in my entire childhood.

I'm not sure what you mean about the adult thing. I think i'm sure of my emotions, of course sometimes I get confused but I think thats natural and not a product of those couple of smacks I received as a child. I'm not easily led/affected by peer pressure but I was raised as an only child so I think thats made me more independent.

I agree with your logic but I guess it depends on how often/the circumstances etc.

 

[Elucida]

People might be interested to learn that the NSPCC think smacking/spanking of any kind should be illegal. I'm not bringing abuse into the equation as people respond badly to this, but the NSPCC have a lot of information at their fingertips, from studies to extensive experience of children with mental health problems and, even if you don't believe me, they are a voice to be respected when it comes to child welfare.

If they think it's a problem, you can bet that they have extensive evidence backing them up.

Why isnt it illegal then?

I reckon that good parenting is a mixture of obtaining as much information as you can to allow you to make informed decisions but I also think you have to rely heavily on parental instinct. I for one will not be relying on studies and books to make all my decisions and if I feel it appropriate to put my child in time out or smack them (unlikely I will do the latter but I dont judge anyone that does), I wouldnt really care whether a book said its wrong or not.

Light tapping isn't, but anything that leaves a mark is illegal.

I think the problem with parental instinct is that, often, our behaviouris shaped by how we were parented. It's the biggest factor in our personalities as we grow and develop so, often, what we think is instinct is simply a learned behaviour. I think the nest measure of this would be if the evidence against what you believe is substantial, respectable and makes logical sense.

For the record, I don't read parenting books and follow them like a bible. But, as with my university degree, I didn't consider myself an expert in my field or truly knowledgeable without a lot of reading so, whether or not you take on board the information, I wouldn't disregard it in favour of what you believe.

I think good parenting is being open to being wrong and being able to say sorry. Simple as that for me. None of that involves any specific style or parenting or being perfect, just being open and honest with your children.

 

[sebandRonnie1]

I was smacked by my mum I dont have mental health issues, I was beaten up by my dad and we seeked refuge, again I have no mental health issues. Yes I agree sometimes its the case and sometimes not. However a tap on the bottom on the very odd occasion in extreme bad behaviour is not classed as abuse or mental health issues the result. At the end of the day this is how kids come to you and say Im going to report you ' you hit me' when you have done no such thing or 'you hit me' when you gave them a slight tap for their behaviour. Kids have some parents wrapped around their little finger cos they think they can get away with whatever they want. Yet if my child hits me a 10 years old thats ok. Words to some kids are just words and it has been proven also that not giving a damn about punishing your child also causes issues and bad behaviour in their adult life. There needs to be a happy medium which is what the parent needs to decide.

 

[Elucida]

I've already presented my case and have been completely ignored. I am getting the impression that people only want to hear from those who agree with them or those who are winding the situation up...

I'll quote myself, anyway, for anyone who actually is interested in learning a different approach.

Never. Often, there is quite a big difference between the message you think you are sending and the message that is being received.

Primarily, parents believe that a swat/spank will send a firm message that x, y or z is totally unacceptable, dangerous or whatever. What is actually being received by the child is "when someone does something that I don't want them to do, and I want them not to do it again, I should hit them." which is not a good message to be sending - it's often totally unintentional but parents don't always appreciate that they model the behaviour that their children go on to display themselves.

It's not even necessary. There are other ways to teach or send the right message to children, plenty of parents manage not to swat/spank and don't have unruly children. It takes more time and effort, but it's definitely possible and absolutely worth it.

Bottom line, children are equals - if you wouldn't hit your OH to teach him not to do something again, then why is it any different for a child? Them taking longer to learn/understand doesn't mean pain needs to be introduced to the equation. Though, in my experience, it doesn't take them all that long to understand - not with attentive, understanding parenting.

I get what your saying about the message. Its logical but not always necessarily the way things will work.

Eg I never thought it was ok to hit others just because I was angry, nor do I think that now. I just thought oh I made Dad angry, I must have done something wrong so I deserved that smack. Your argument is logical but not necessarily the case.

I think it is quite suggestive of how you were parented, overall, that you ever felt you deserved physical pain. I mean, even by your own admission you didn't even know you had done something wrong until he hit you. That seems terribly unfair and that you accepted it suggests, to me, that you were taught to respect and obey without even stopping to think. You basically ignored your own thoughts and feeling through this blind respect, I say blind as you didn;t even understand why - just that he must be right to do so.

I wonder, as an adult, do you always trust your emotions? Do you find that you become confused and upset in arguments with people close to you?

There are always knock on effects, you see. And I don't think it not being exactly as outlined by my post, doesn't mean there aren't negative messages of all kinds being received. Blind obedience is quite an important one. Often people who were parented in this way are more susceptible to peer pressure and blindly following others. Not always, but confidence issues are pretty common.

Oh no, I always knew I'd done wrong, but I could be a bit of a monkey and just laugh at them or ignore/argue so I don't mind at all that they smacked me. It was excessive at all and the sting lasted a few seconds. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't very often, maybe 4/5 times in my entire childhood.

I'm not sure what you mean about the adult thing. I think i'm sure of my emotions, of course sometimes I get confused but I think thats natural and not a product of those couple of smacks I received as a child. I'm not easily led/affected by peer pressure but I was raised as an only child so I think thats made me more independent.

I agree with your logic but I guess it depends on how often/the circumstances etc.

I think you're right that the extent of the effects depend mainly upon how often. I got the impression, from what you were saying, that is was quite frequent.

I would say that 4/5 smacks ever are very unlikely to have any big effects, but I would also say they won't have been necessary as it sounds like they clearly had other ways to communicate with you, for the most part.

 

[Elucida]

I was smacked by my mum I dont have mental health issues, I was beaten up by my dad and we seeked refuge, again I have no mental health issues. Yes I agree sometimes its the case and sometimes not. However a tap on the bottom on the very odd occasion in extreme bad behaviour is not classed as abuse or mental health issues the result. At the end of the day this is how kids come to you and say Im going to report you ' you hit me' when you have done no such thing or 'you hit me' when you gave them a slight tap for their behaviour. Kids have some parents wrapped around their little finger cos they think they can get away with whatever they want. Yet if my child hits me a 10 years old thats ok. Words to some kids are just words and it has been proven also that not giving a damn about punishing your child also causes issues and bad behaviour in their adult life. There needs to be a happy medium which is what the parent needs to decide.

But, if an adult hit you - would you say nothing? A child cannot square up to you or challenge you in the way that another adult could so, naturally, they turn to somebody who can sort the situation out for them.

Mental health issues come in all shapes and sizes, few people realise they have any until they become problematic but it's great that you did so well despite your circumstances. Nothing is ever certain, but there is a large degree of risk involved in the conditional messages sent and it's not a risk, I believe, most parents would be comfortable taking if they fully understood the possibilities and the emotional impact, even short term, of their actions.

 

[sebandRonnie1]

see this is better having your own opinion and putting it across without it being personal. Lets remain this way and no more fighting

 

[RedRose19]

i think what people are FORGETTING! is a light smack on the bum when they have done something DANGEROUS is completely different to abusing a child!

there is difference between a light slap to beating your child! i dont think people should slap in anger tho as they can get out of hand...

when i was a child we rarely got slapped, if we made a mess or something we never got slapped, but if we did something dangerous to us or our siblings we got a slap and we could tell the difference between we should be care to we never must do again!

it was never hard and i think its wrong to slap anywhere other than the bum or a tap on the hand.

you ladies need to calm down before this gets closed, op only wanted to know if people did or not, she didnt want a lecture from half of you telling her omg its so bad your an abuser!

 

[RedRose19]

I was smacked by my mum I dont have mental health issues, I was beaten up by my dad and we seeked refuge, again I have no mental health issues. Yes I agree sometimes its the case and sometimes not. However a tap on the bottom on the very odd occasion in extreme bad behaviour is not classed as abuse or mental health issues the result. At the end of the day this is how kids come to you and say Im going to report you ' you hit me' when you have done no such thing or 'you hit me' when you gave them a slight tap for their behaviour. Kids have some parents wrapped around their little finger cos they think they can get away with whatever they want. Yet if my child hits me a 10 years old thats ok. Words to some kids are just words and it has been proven also that not giving a damn about punishing your child also causes issues and bad behaviour in their adult life. There needs to be a happy medium which is what the parent needs to decide.

But, if an adult hit you - would you say nothing? A child cannot square up to you or challenge you in the way that another adult could so, naturally, they turn to somebody who can sort the situation out for them.

Mental health issues come in all shapes and sizes, few people realise they have any until they become problematic but it's great that you did so well despite your circumstances. Nothing is ever certain, but there is a large degree of risk involved in the conditional messages sent and it's not a risk, I believe, most parents would be comfortable taking if they fully understood the possibilities and the emotional impact, even short term, of their actions.

hitting is alot different to a light slap, you ladies are blowing this way out of control, she said she swatted her little girl on the bum for giving her sibling medicine which is a big no no, she did not "hit" her child in the way you are saying, yes hitting in the way u say is wrong but a light tap on the bum or hand is completely different

 

[Elucida]

I was smacked by my mum I dont have mental health issues, I was beaten up by my dad and we seeked refuge, again I have no mental health issues. Yes I agree sometimes its the case and sometimes not. However a tap on the bottom on the very odd occasion in extreme bad behaviour is not classed as abuse or mental health issues the result. At the end of the day this is how kids come to you and say Im going to report you ' you hit me' when you have done no such thing or 'you hit me' when you gave them a slight tap for their behaviour. Kids have some parents wrapped around their little finger cos they think they can get away with whatever they want. Yet if my child hits me a 10 years old thats ok. Words to some kids are just words and it has been proven also that not giving a damn about punishing your child also causes issues and bad behaviour in their adult life. There needs to be a happy medium which is what the parent needs to decide.

But, if an adult hit you - would you say nothing? A child cannot square up to you or challenge you in the way that another adult could so, naturally, they turn to somebody who can sort the situation out for them.

Mental health issues come in all shapes and sizes, few people realise they have any until they become problematic but it's great that you did so well despite your circumstances. Nothing is ever certain, but there is a large degree of risk involved in the conditional messages sent and it's not a risk, I believe, most parents would be comfortable taking if they fully understood the possibilities and the emotional impact, even short term, of their actions.

hitting is alot different to a light slap, you ladies are blowing this way out of control, she said she swatted her little girl on the bum for giving her sibling medicine which is a big no no, she did not "hit" her child in the way you are saying, yes hitting in the way u say is wrong but a light tap on the bum or hand is completely different

I mentioned before about the message that is received when you hit a child and this includes tapping. It doesn't need to physically hurt to be sending a negative and conditional message.

Though, I really do not see the point of a light tap... if it doesn't hurt you might as well be patting them on the head, surely?

 

[loving_life]

I have read through this whole thread & I feel I don't really know because I have no kids yet (just my little girl who is still cooking lol).
I do feel that a gentle smack is NOT child abuse.

 

[sebandRonnie1]

I was smacked by my mum I dont have mental health issues, I was beaten up by my dad and we seeked refuge, again I have no mental health issues. Yes I agree sometimes its the case and sometimes not. However a tap on the bottom on the very odd occasion in extreme bad behaviour is not classed as abuse or mental health issues the result. At the end of the day this is how kids come to you and say Im going to report you ' you hit me' when you have done no such thing or 'you hit me' when you gave them a slight tap for their behaviour. Kids have some parents wrapped around their little finger cos they think they can get away with whatever they want. Yet if my child hits me a 10 years old thats ok. Words to some kids are just words and it has been proven also that not giving a damn about punishing your child also causes issues and bad behaviour in their adult life. There needs to be a happy medium which is what the parent needs to decide.

But, if an adult hit you - would you say nothing? A child cannot square up to you or challenge you in the way that another adult could so, naturally, they turn to somebody who can sort the situation out for them.

Mental health issues come in all shapes and sizes, few people realise they have any until they become problematic but it's great that you did so well despite your circumstances. Nothing is ever certain, but there is a large degree of risk involved in the conditional messages sent and it's not a risk, I believe, most parents would be comfortable taking if they fully understood the possibilities and the emotional impact, even short term, of their actions.

I agree to a certain point I also just feel sometimes you are not even allowed to discpline your children these days I would only find acceptable a tap on the bum (not leaving a mark) and myself I dont hit my children anyway but I know there are situtatons were others would and wouldnt judge them. Its very difficult and a difficult topic. For the child canot square up to me, my stepson is nearly the same size as me (ny hubby is very tall) and grabbed me from behind and pushed me down the stairs could have ended worse than what it did I had to get the social workers involved due to his behaviour so sometimes they can square up to you I have seen it before he badly bruised me and this is why I say sometimes praising, banning and talking doesnt work. For him it stems from him thinking cos his mother abadoned him (he was too young to know) but cos his grandmother was so soft with him because of his hard life (that he doesnt remember may I add) he got everything his own way and this is why I say sometimes they wrap you around yur finger and then there are consequences to you (not the child) as talking doesnt always work they think a simple sorry and banning them from something is fine cos it doesnt really matter for them. All Im saying is diff circumstances for diff people and it depends on the situation but anything than a light tap I dont agree with but the OP thread was just that tap and she needed support and advice.

 

[Elucida]

I was smacked by my mum I dont have mental health issues, I was beaten up by my dad and we seeked refuge, again I have no mental health issues. Yes I agree sometimes its the case and sometimes not. However a tap on the bottom on the very odd occasion in extreme bad behaviour is not classed as abuse or mental health issues the result. At the end of the day this is how kids come to you and say Im going to report you ' you hit me' when you have done no such thing or 'you hit me' when you gave them a slight tap for their behaviour. Kids have some parents wrapped around their little finger cos they think they can get away with whatever they want. Yet if my child hits me a 10 years old thats ok. Words to some kids are just words and it has been proven also that not giving a damn about punishing your child also causes issues and bad behaviour in their adult life. There needs to be a happy medium which is what the parent needs to decide.

But, if an adult hit you - would you say nothing? A child cannot square up to you or challenge you in the way that another adult could so, naturally, they turn to somebody who can sort the situation out for them.

Mental health issues come in all shapes and sizes, few people realise they have any until they become problematic but it's great that you did so well despite your circumstances. Nothing is ever certain, but there is a large degree of risk involved in the conditional messages sent and it's not a risk, I believe, most parents would be comfortable taking if they fully understood the possibilities and the emotional impact, even short term, of their actions.

I agree to a certain point I also just feel sometimes you are not even allowed to discpline your children these days I would only find acceptable a tap on the bum (not leaving a mark) and myself I dont hit my children anyway but I know there are situtatons were others would and wouldnt judge them. Its very difficult and a difficult topic. For the child canot square up to me, my stepson is nearly the same size as me (ny hubby is very tall) and grabbed me from behind and pushed me down the stairs could have ended worse than what it did I had to get the social workers involved due to his behaviour so sometimes they can square up to you I have seen it before he badly bruised me and this is why I say sometimes praising, banning and talking doesnt work. For him it stems from him thinking cos his mother abadoned him (he was too young to know) but cos his grandmother was so soft with him because of his hard life (that he doesnt remember may I add) he got everything his own way and this is why I say sometimes they wrap you around yur finger and then there are consequences to you (not the child) as talking doesnt always work they think a simple sorry and banning them from something is fine cos it doesnt really matter for them. All Im saying is diff circumstances for diff people and it depends on the situation but anything than a light tap I dont agree with but the OP thread was just that tap and she needed support and advice.

I think it depends what you mean. I'm of the opinion that children aren't "ours" they are their own people and disciplining them is a lot like saying they are yours do do with as you wish. Obviously, people differ on what they wish to do but some will see fit to properly, full on spank their children. Discipline is open to interpretation and measures exist, in the UK, to stop it from going too far as a result.

Your stepson sounds like he has had it tough. How old is he? I would say that the grandmother probably did cause some issues too as she sounds very permissive but I also think that it's entirely possible to guide a child without needing to discipline them, especially when their behaviour is a result of somebody else's actions impacting upon their impressionable minds at a very young age.

He was obviously totally out of line to hurt you like that, but I'm not sure any form of discipline would help. It sounds like he would benefit from counselling of some kind, to help him sort out any abandonment issues and to help him control his anger. Frustration and anger at a levl that causes people to lash out like that are often as a result of deep emotional turmoil, I suspect he doesn't have much sense of self worth deep down (often people in this situation feel that if their own mother couldn't love them, then they must be unlovable) and his turmoil drives him to control his environment because power and control over situations is something he doesn't feel he has, when it really matters - like with his mother, for example.