Have u or do u spank your child? Non judgmental thread

[Andypanda6570]

I got hit as a kid, but only for being disrespectful if i ever disrespected my father he would smack me ( Very italian father and very old fashioned ) right across my face. One time i got so mad I told him to fuck off and I called him a SHIT HEAD I got my ass kicked and now I know i deserved it. My boys are big now 20,17 and almost 12 and I never really hit them and thank God they never cursed at me (Probably behind my back) but they have been rude over the years and my urge to smack them was strong ,but I didn't .I can see how if a child curses to their parents , the parents might loose it. Honestly a tap is not abuse but it also does nothing . You need to take away things and have time outs and there has to be explanations as to why their behavior is NOT acceptable. Also I am 41 now and have much more patience than when I was 21. I would never question any parent and I think I would know if someone was abusing their kids, kids need structure and need to know what is acceptable and what is not. I am sorry but just cause a parent hits them on their butt or slaps them on their hand that is not abuse, not to me anyway..

 

[andersondyson]

YOWZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was one of the first to comment on this post last night when it first started (I was the first one to be called an abuser!!!!)

And I dont think it has stopped all night......got up this am, came to check and have read on from where I left it at page 6 last night when I went to bed.

I think there has been some excellent debates..........and some extremely one minded rude comments.

I dont think there is a perfect parenting method, if there was, we would ALL be taught it as a statutory subject at school, as it would then rule out any future ABUSE issues!!!

However, as has been mentioned, there is certainly no 1 size fits all parenting style! Different children respond in different ways......

For example, explaining to a 1 year old baby why touching something is dangerous (be it a hot drink, fire, socket etc) (and Im not saying this has happened to me, just using examples) is not going to have any impact as they do not understand yet, however a light tap on their hand makes them link that second of discomfort witht the thing you dont want them to do (much like the famous Pavlovs Dogs experiment!)

I appriciate people feeling strongly towards this, and if you are blessed with amazingly behaved children and the patience of a saint, and never ever lose your temper- I 100% admire you!!

Yet we are all parents (obviously ones who care, otherwise we would not be on this forum, but sitting smoking/ drinking/ ignoring our children all day!!!) and I dont believe that ANY of us or our children, are perfect!!!!!

 

[Elucida]

YOWZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was one of the first to comment on this post last night when it first started (I was the first one to be called an abuser!!!!)

And I dont think it has stopped all night......got up this am, came to check and have read on from where I left it at page 6 last night when I went to bed.

I think there has been some excellent debates..........and some extremely one minded rude comments.

I dont think there is a perfect parenting method, if there was, we would ALL be taught it as a statutory subject at school, as it would then rule out any future ABUSE issues!!!

However, as has been mentioned, there is certainly no 1 size fits all parenting style! Different children respond in different ways......

For example, explaining to a 1 year old baby why touching something is dangerous (be it a hot drink, fire, socket etc) (and Im not saying this has happened to me, just using examples) is not going to have any impact as they do not understand yet, however a light tap on their hand makes them link that second of discomfort witht the thing you dont want them to do (much like the famous Pavlovs Dogs experiment!)

I appriciate people feeling strongly towards this, and if you are blessed with amazingly behaved children and the patience of a saint, and never ever lose your temper- I 100% admire you!!

Yet we are all parents (obviously ones who care, otherwise we would not be on this forum, but sitting smoking/ drinking/ ignoring our children all day!!!) and I dont believe that ANY of us or our children, are perfect!!!!!

Well, my daughter understood not to touch the oven when she was just 8 months old and crawling. She knew we meant it as were firm about it and kept removing her from the general vacinity. One day, before she was one, she touched a radiator and it was hot and it was uncomfortable for her and she made a face so we told her, like we did with the oven, that is was "hot" and the connection was made. They understand more than they can say and I think, like the removing her from the oven area, there are other ways to handle it so that smacking doesn't need to happen.

Pavlovs dogs is a very behaviourist approach that reduces humans to simple behaviours and actions, like a lot of modern thinking and parenting techniques that centre on correcting behaviour. It overlooks our experiences and emotions. It overlooks that children can learn from watching our behaviour and so, in that way, we might want to consider improving our own behaviours and actions. Obviously, we will never be perfect but if you have issues with patience then it could be something to work on so that your children don't go on to have those issues too? I know that I had issues with patience for years and, even now, my head could just implode at times but I did work on it and I actually feel better for not just reacting impulsively.

Anyway, I agree that people are on this forum because they care a lot about parenting but I think one of the best things about places like this is how much we can learn from each other. I have learned so, so much from people with passionate opinions that pushed me to do my own research and sometimes I found it difficult and uncomfortable to look at myself so closely and scrutinise myself and my behaviours but I always believe that if something makes you uncomfortable like that or makes you feel bad, you should keep digging as, chances are, you could stand to do better and there's a good reason that you don't feel quite right.

 

[aliss]

That's pretty impressive if an 8 month old understands that, most of them would still try and crawl into the oven. It's nice if they could understand at that age but that's not realistic for most babies.

BTW I am against spanking myself

OP: My favourite book is Harvey Karp's Happiest Toddler on the Block. He uses an "FFR": fast food rule. It's basically about how parents just do too much blahblahblahblahblah and it goes in one ear & out the other, so it's about how to simplify and clarify language for toddlers.

ie. Johnny (2) wants a cookie before dinner, mom says no, Johnny has a tantrum
Parent reactions: a smack, or, "Johnny no it's not time for a cookie, it's just before dinner, we don't eat snacks before dinner and we can't do that blahblahblah"...

Karp's "FFR" would be like this:
"Johnny mad! Johnny want cookie! Mommy make dinner! Dinner yummy? Maybe Johnny have cookie after dinner?"

Very very simple, acknowledges their frustration, etc... My son is barely 2 so it's slow going but it seems to help with simple language. My boy is not verbal so simple language seems best too.

 

[aliss]

For YOUR particular incident, it'd probably go like this..

"[Older daughter] no! No medicine!"
(Throws a tantrum)
"[OD] mad!"
"[OD] want to help! But medicine MOMMY ONLY!"
"medicine not good for [YD]! [Younger daughter] medicine not okay!"
"Okay? Hugs? Apologize to mommy and [YD]"

 

[Andypanda6570]

My boys also knew not to touch the stove, they know because they realize pain will come if they do and they remember that. Something triggers even that young that associates getting hurt with certain things.

 

[admiral765]

My husband and I agreed to not smack our children before our little girl was born.

I grew up being scared of my dad and I never wanted my own children to be scared of me. My mum used to slap us around the face too and I def don't respect her as much as I should do for doing so, even though we get on well now.

In my experience, a slap doesn't explain as effectively to a child why something is wrong compared to coming down to their level, firmly saying no and explaining why. At the end of the day a child doesn't know that something is dangerous or something is wrong unless you tell them. They are too young to understand. I have never had a problem with my little girl, as someone else said, she was as young as 8 months if not younger when she understood no and stopped doing it. I also think it is double standards to teach your child not to smack but then do it yourself. Of course it is going to give them mixed messages and cause confusion, not to mention that the child will copy your behaviour and start hitting you back and other people. xx

 

[FeliciaD]

I don't agree that what you've done is abuse, if so we were probably all abused as children. I'm fortunate that my daughter hates being told off and that alone is enough for her, when she was going through the terrible twos/threes we used the naughty step which also worked. I don't thinking smacking is necessary and I don't think it sends the right message but I don't think you should beat yourself up over it either. What's done is done and the fact you feel bad about it means you probably won't do it again.

Agreed as I agree with most other posters on this thread. We do all lose our tempers more than we'd want at some point in time-parent or not, adult or child. All that matters is how you react based on the situation. My Step-Dad beat my brother when we were younger, so I've seen abuse first hand. I don't compare swatting a child's bum in a dangerous situation (darting out into traffic or giving a sibling medicine) to being abused unless you're wailing on them. I don't "enjoy" by any means swatting my DDs bum when the situation calls for it (ie running out into the busy parking lot-which she's been explained why and TAUGHT NOT to do many times ). You wouldn't give a child a time out HOURS after the incident when you got home, would you? No, it'd make no sense. I wouldn't beat yourself up for it though, just explain that you lost your cool (and I'm sure scared) for a second because it was very dangerous and she could hurt her sibling and end by telling her you love her very much and you spanked her bc you love her, not bc you're trying to be mean.

 

[tu123]

The last few pages of this debate are really good

What i am trying to comprehend though is this distinction between a swat for discipline and a swat out of anger?

Aside from a horror reaction, like your child running across the road in busy traffic. How does the discipline swat vs anger swat actually happen?

For me (but please tell me i am wrong) you are swatting because you are so frustrated that LO has done wrong, continues to do so despite words, etc. How is that different from anger and how do you control how hard you swat?

 

[feeble]

I am amazed this thread has stayed open!

I have seen children who have misbehaved and told that if they do not stop continuing to do x y or z they will get a smack.
I have seen children who are 'gentle parented' who are CONSTANTLY made to justify themselves, are empathised with til the point of (quite literally) they are desperately trying to break out of a car or 'mothers loving grip' so they can actually get on with their day and most importantly, who are so totally unaware of their own boundaries that they simply have no idea what is truly right or wrong.

I get very pissed off, with these 'holier than thou, I'm parenting my child to a specific model some guy taught me in a book' parents.

In my opinion and experience, they are just as likely to not have a clue as anyone else


Fact is we are all on a parenting forum, we obviously all give a toss about our kids.

So how about we respect that there are different ways to parent?

From witnessing 'unconditional parenting' and 'gentle discipline' as well as more holistic parenting, I know exactly what I will be doing. And it will NOT be listening to someone who tells me all other parents are conditional/none gentle/ detached parents, so that I can sit on a pedestal on threads like this and look down on people.

I've had this debate with you already. That's an incredibly narrow view and, if you were to even call your, completely anecdotal, evidence a study, with a sample size of what? 2? 4? you'd , quite frankly, be laughed at. So, it doesn't qualify as evidence any more than "I was formula fed and so was hubby and we're healthy".

Spanking is consitently assosciated with mental health problems. I'm not sure anyone respectable recommends it anymore as a method of parenting. It's just not necessary, no matter your parenting philosophy. Though, if you can bring me peer reviewed studies on these, so called, pitfalls of UP/AP then I'm all ears.

I couldn't give a monkeys if you perceive it as a narrow view.

My child is an individual and will be raised according to who he is and what he reacts well to. He is not a case study, nor is he a social experiment and allowing a well documented QUACK who practically every child psychologist in the world thinks should be preventing from writing books (alfred kohn) or a liar who writes parenting books and says she has a doctorate in child psychology WHICH IT TURNS OUT SHE BOUGHT ON THE INTERNET (Naomi Aldort) to raise my child for me based upon their thinly disguised 'get rich quick' scheme, is NOT something I am going to put myself or my child through.

There is a massive difference between smacking a child on the bum and beating them with a caine.

Many nhs professionals believe co-sleeping should be illegal, because if done wrong it can be deadly. Exactly the same can be said for smacking.

Being so black and white is ridiculous. Your allowing your books and 'case studies' to raise your child and my kid will be raised by me. Smacking maybe once a year when he does something dangerous and stupid and needs a short sharp return to reality, and loved and respected AS A CHILD rather than forced to feel guilt and shame and hatred that is usually only experienced by adults


No parent is perfect, no child is perfect, but I will be raising my none perfect children in my own non perfect way. Which I am quite happy with

 

[tu123]

.

 

[Charliemarina]

ok so any kind of smacking IS illegal, this was made the law YEARS ago.

heres a good example and i didnt even touch my son.......
at aged 7 he was naughty at school and panicked about me finding out, not because i would hurt him (never gonna happen ever!!) but obviously he didnt want to be punished for what he had done, so his comment to the teacher was this...."pls dont tell my mum she will kill me" lol typical words from a child in trouble but he didnt mean im actually gonna kill him, BUT that same day i was called into his school with a lady from social services present, i was mortified and very upset about the way this was handled, iv never touched my son yet im being accused of hurting him coz he was naughty at school, it was then i was told ANY form of smacking even a tap on the hand would be taken seriously as it IS illegal, she didnt need to tell me that as id never hit my kids so felt quite annoyed she was telling me this. so think about it your kids cant even say these things innocently and not ment in the way thats said and u get into shit for it, imagine hitting ur kid and social finding out, u will stand to lose ur kids

im not judging anyone for there choices i just wanted to voice that hitting in ANY form is illegal

 

[Charliemarina]

YOWZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was one of the first to comment on this post last night when it first started (I was the first one to be called an abuser!!!!)

And I dont think it has stopped all night......got up this am, came to check and have read on from where I left it at page 6 last night when I went to bed.

I think there has been some excellent debates..........and some extremely one minded rude comments.

I dont think there is a perfect parenting method, if there was, we would ALL be taught it as a statutory subject at school, as it would then rule out any future ABUSE issues!!!

However, as has been mentioned, there is certainly no 1 size fits all parenting style! Different children respond in different ways......

For example, explaining to a 1 year old baby why touching something is dangerous (be it a hot drink, fire, socket etc) (and Im not saying this has happened to me, just using examples) is not going to have any impact as they do not understand yet, however a light tap on their hand makes them link that second of discomfort witht the thing you dont want them to do (much like the famous Pavlovs Dogs experiment!)

I appriciate people feeling strongly towards this, and if you are blessed with amazingly behaved children and the patience of a saint, and never ever lose your temper- I 100% admire you!!

Yet we are all parents (obviously ones who care, otherwise we would not be on this forum, but sitting smoking/ drinking/ ignoring our children all day!!!) and I dont believe that ANY of us or our children, are perfect!!!!!

ok this comment is wrong hun, are u serious at 1 years old to smack the childs hand for something they wouldnt even understand, my daughter is 10 months and if in 2 months time she decideds to go to a socket or candle i will plainly say no and move her away as she WOULDNT understand even if i smacked her hand thats waaaaay to young sorry but again (not sayng u have done this as u clearly stated u never) its the mothers choice on how they treat there child, im very anti-violence my last partner beat the crap out of me daily and my son suffered by having to see this so this is why i feel so strongly about this, no child should see, hear or speak of violence its the wrong way to deal with things as a child and the wrong way to deal with things as a grown up

 

[overcomer79]

Here we are told as long as we don't leave marks. Sometimes the simple explaining just doesn't get it. I don't hurt/beat my son but it stops him in his tracks because he KNOWS if mommy swats his bottom that he'd better stop and listen. I DON'T see a harm in it but every child is DIFFERENT and every situation is DIFFERENT!!

It really is those that call swatting abuse that really freaks parents out. Like I stated before my husband is scared to death of any bruise (on our 2.5 yr old) BECAUSE of the extremist that will call CPS over a bruise when 2 year olds get in bump ups!!!

We had CPS on our doorstep every six months growing up because of people that don't believe in swatting!!! NEVER taken away and finally my dad told them not to show up unless they had a warrant!!! My dad hit with a belt..I don't think its wrong for me to hit his DIAPERED bottom with my hand...hell I have done it in front of our neighbor and she never heard it.

It got the point across to stop and listen....not abusive just setting who's in charge....I have to disagree in where someone said "children are equals.." they aren't and its OUR job as parents to teach them how to respect and behave and be polite.

And yes my son does know right from wrong so those that want to argue that he isn't old enough...again you DON'T know MY child. We have been using time out (does NOT always work) since he was 1 and while he may not have fully understood, it calmed him down and yes removed him from the situation. At the age he is now, that doesn't always work...instead he sits and laughs at us and thinks its a game...well mommy isn't laughing and when he does that, I send him to his room.

Only when he is doing dangerous stuff (refusing to get out of the kitchen while we are cooking for ex) and has been told warrants it....

But as someone said I shouldn't have to explain how I parent MY children!!

 

[griffinh]

Wow....people actually still spank?

There are hundreds of parenting books out there. Read a few, people!

You are about to offend some people. Many of these women sound like wonderful mothers and I'm sure they have read parenting books.

I am offended! I don't know ANYONE in my peer group that spanks. It's simply not ok, and they need to hear it loud and clear.

At least you are acknowledging your mistake and are trying to find a better way, so I commend you for that.

I don't care about what anyone in your peer group does or doesn't do. Some people are so self righteous. Seriously, anyway.. Thanks to the people who don't think im a child abuser for giving my daughter a swat on the bum. I usually keep my cool and consider myself to be a very good mother . Especially considering the way I was raised.

Wow this thread is scary lol

I was (as were my four brothers) smacked on the bum as a child. My niece gets a smack on the bum if shes pushed her boundaries (or in my case, when small hands reach for hot oven tops!!!).

When this baby is born, I will do everything I can to avoid a smacked bum, but if that is what it comes to, then that is what I will do to shock my child. Kids now (especially in the UK) don't get disciplined anymore, and we ended up with riots and kids who don't fear consequences by the authorities or their parents. I dont mean that to say our kids should be scared of us, but there needs to be respect. I didnt get a smack off my mum after the age of about 10, because i learned my lessons and am now on my way to being a mum myself.

Honey, you are NOT a bad parent. Sometimes it takes a smack on the bum for some children to learn. Dont feel bad for it. If you hated doing it, deep breath, and work out a way for yourself to discipline another way. It's not ''child abuse'' unless your doling out punches xxxxx

 

[Charliemarina]

The last few pages of this debate are really good

What i am trying to comprehend though is this distinction between a swat for discipline and a swat out of anger?

Aside from a horror reaction, like your child running across the road in busy traffic. How does the discipline swat vs anger swat actually happen?

For me (but please tell me i am wrong) you are swatting because you are so frustrated that LO has done wrong, continues to do so despite words, etc. How is that different from anger and how do you control how hard you swat?

fantastic example hun, and exactly why ALL smacking is now illegal because u cant really put limit on whats ok and not ok with spanking.

iv said my bit and im now leaving the thread coz i be honest this kinda subject does make me slightly angry and im big enough to admit that , but i wanted my opinion also heard on it, all u girls are great and clearly great mums just hope this thread can stay informative and non- judgemental for you guys

 

[AllyTiel]

The last few pages of this debate are really good

What i am trying to comprehend though is this distinction between a swat for discipline and a swat out of anger?

Aside from a horror reaction, like your child running across the road in busy traffic. How does the discipline swat vs anger swat actually happen?

For me (but please tell me i am wrong) you are swatting because you are so frustrated that LO has done wrong, continues to do so despite words, etc. How is that different from anger and how do you control how hard you swat?

fantastic example hun, and exactly why ALL smacking is now illegal because u cant really put limit on whats ok and not ok with spanking.

iv said my bit and im now leaving the thread coz i be honest this kinda subject does make me slightly angry and im big enough to admit that , but i wanted my opinion also heard on it, all u girls are great and clearly great mums just hope this thread can stay informative and non- judgemental for you guys

I guess some places in the UK it is illegal but not here in the US.
It is up to the individual parent to know when their child can understand yes and no. They typically can grasp it at 1 year old, although some children may be different. I will have no problem popping my child on the diapered bottom if it blatantly disobeys and I KNOW that it can understand. It is up to individual to know their own child though. Thats how I grew up, all the parents at our churches I ever knew disciplined their children (none grew up with ANY mental or anger issues) with loving spankings (not beatings).
People have different views on this and they can decide whats best for them and their children.

 

[griffinh]

In the UK, a smack that doesn't leave a mark isn't illegal....x

 

[Dk1234]

I don't think you can come on here and say all spanking is illegal. we are all from diffrent areas of the world and I can strongly say, spanking isn't illegal where I am.

 

[kissesandhugs]

I don't think you can come on here and say all spanking is illegal. we are all from diffrent areas of the world and I can strongly say, spanking isn't illegal where I am.

That's the problem with these debates. Everyone is from allll different parts of the world, cultures, religions, different laws etc. What may be normal for someone, is totally foreign to another. It just causes a mess!!