Have u or do u spank your child? Non judgmental thread

[Arisa]

I dont know, I really do not want to spank my future child, as it does encourage hitting back because that is what I grew up with and my friends who have children that they spank quite alot tend to hit their parents back because they see that behaviour as normal. My mother smacked me across the face once and it took me a long time to forgive her for that and my dad used to smack us alot as kids and we were well behaved, it was for silly things like not cleaning up our room or not washing the dishes or if my sister and argued but we never threw tantrums or got violent with other children so I think the excessive spanking was way too much and it scared me for years so I do not want that for my child!!!

not that it makes you a bad mother or father for doing it, there are other ways to discipline a child though without getting out a belt or shoe or using your hand to whack them

 

[Indigo77]

i am not accusing, that is my opinion which i am entitled too, and no if there is a mom on here who is proud of spanking her child then i can say my opinion.
yes in case of the OP it might have been an accident because of being scared.

i was hit, my head was beat on the floor and body dragged... and it starte with a spank. ... you are so much stronger. i call it abuse. because in my eyes it is. where do you cut the line, in my opinion before you raise your hand!

Do you think everyone's situation and outcome will be the same as yours? "head was beat on the floor and body dragged" IS ABUSE! A light tap on the rear is NOT ABUSE. Just because your dad was angry and abusive does not mean that all parents who "spank" are. Yes you are entitled to your opinion, but fact is fact...abuse is illegal, spanking is not.

She never called anyone dense for having a different opinion.

I am noticing a pattern here. Do people who think it's ok spank also seem to think it's ok to call people names, bully, and single people out?

She just shared a traumatic and heart-breaking event in her life, and you are attacking her and calling her dense.

 

[Randianne]

You cannot take a 'one size fits all' approach to parenting. Every child is a unique individual. Some children just don't respond to certain types of discipline. For instance, my step son. We tried the naughty step. He had no problem sitting there and singing to himself or talking to imaginary friends. Sending him to his room? He liked that. Redirection or reasoning with him? Most of the time he'd laugh at you. Spanking was all that worked. As for it not being a part of modern society, there are child rearing experts who are not against spanking when used properly. Here is the game plan we came up with our PhD level child psychologist to help us get my step son to behave. These are the spanking rules:

1. Only used for dangerous behavior or in extreme circumstances.
2. He gets a verbal warning. Example: "(Child's name), stop doing 'x' activity or you will get a spanking." Only exception is a life threatening behavior that he knows is not allowed.
3. Never, ever done when parents are angry, agitated, or able to present anything other than a calm demeanor.
4. Only with a hand, only on the buttocks, and no more than twice.
5. Always in private.
6. Always state to the child what he has done wrong and why you are spanking him.
7. Always followed by telling the child that you love them no matter what and 'x' behavior cannot continue for 'y' reason.

Hitting and abuse imply anger and loss of control. What I have just mentioned is the opposite. And for us, it worked. He's a happy, healthy, well-adjusted child who is rarely ever spanked because he has developed a sense of discipline. If you don't like the idea of spanking, then don't spank. It isn't advised for every situation. It might be wrong for your child. But to make a sweeping 'if you spank your child you are abusing them' statement or implying that parents are spanking because they are lazy or uneducated is incorrect.

And by the way, my step-son knows the difference between hitting and spanking. Children are intelligent enough to know the difference between an impulsive act of aggression and a controlled means of punishment. If they aren't old enough to understand the difference, then they aren't old enough to be spanked.

 

[Pinkie88]

I agree with scotmum. We could discuss parenting in a more positive and friendly atmosphere if it had started
differently. This was a hard day for me and I needed honesty. Indigo, im sorry if I offended you or anyone. Im glad you feel it's wrong to spank. I agree. I feel that everyone has valid points and if they have been offensive it's probably because they are passionate about not using violence in any way and I can't blame you for that, especially of any of you have been abused. I personally think I have realized I have some anger that has been buried from my childhood. I'm determined to be better than my parents and I think the best thing for me is to use a time out when I get angry from now on. When I feel extremely upset in a situation with my children I hope to walk away for a brief moment unless it is an emergency maybe I could take a deep breath. As for the deep seeded anger I have from the way I was raised, well, I probably just need counseling. I never want to take it out on my innocent children. I cant believe how important these first few years are. It's often overwhelming and I beat myself up for not being perfect. They are so innocent and looking to me for guidance and it's such a special job to be a mommy. They grow up so darn fast. I hope I can do better. Any book suggestions?

 

[jessicatunnel]

I absolutely do not think spanking is child abuse. It is unacceptable if you spank them because they didnt clean up a toy, or didn't pick up their room, small things. etc. Or did it regularly.
If they did something seriously wrong or put themselves or someone else in danger than sure a tap on the bottom is no big deal. I grew up getting spanked and I think it was a very effective form of punishment. I hope to not spank my child but if a situation comes up and I see that its fit, then I will. Of course I would never do it on a regular basis or ever do it hard enough to hurt my child, just to give her a shock. It's absolutely ridiculous to accuse people of child abuse for a swat on the butt. My heart goes out to everybody who has been abused, im very sorry, but that doesnt mean everyone's situation was like yours.
To the OP, don't beat yourself up. The fact that you feel bad, and realize what you did makes you a great mom!

 

[Pinkie88]

I think we are all mature and good people/mommies. Sometimes we get passionate about things but everyone seems to have made up. Thanks again. And if everyone hasn't made up, I hope they do. I would never want to create enemies by posting a thread just asking for advice.

 

[momto3kiddies]

I agree with scotmum. We could discuss parenting in a more positive and friendly atmosphere if it had started
differently. This was a hard day for me and I needed honesty. Indigo, im sorry if I offended you or anyone. Im glad you feel it's wrong to spank. I agree. I feel that everyone has valid points and if they have been offensive it's probably because they are passionate about not using violence in any way and I can't blame you for that, especially of any of you have been abused. I personally think I have realized I have some anger that has been buried from my childhood. I'm determined to be better than my parents and I think the best thing for me is to use a time out when I get angry from now on. When I feel extremely upset in a situation with my children I hope to walk away for a brief moment unless it is an emergency maybe I could take a deep breath. As for the deep seeded anger I have from the way I was raised, well, I probably just need counseling. I never want to take it out on my innocent children. I cant believe how important these first few years are. It's often overwhelming and I beat myself up for not being perfect. They are so innocent and looking to me for guidance and it's such a special job to be a mommy. They grow up so darn fast. I hope I can do better. Any book suggestions?

You are not a bad mom, we all have our moments and sometimes need to step aside for a second. Our kids dont come with instructions and there will be many times where we react a way and realize it could have been addressed differently. Its like I always tell my 16 year old...Im new to this...never raised a 16 yr old before I dont know any books off hand but I would def keep all medication out of the childs reach. Your daughter is very young and was actually just doing what she sees mommy doing with the medicine. In her eyes she was doing nothing wrong.

 

[kippenhok]

I wouldn't spank because I've had bad experiences with it myself as a child. My mother would lash out at me in anger and (really) slap me if I did something that she considered wrong - without really bothering to really explain why. That just turned me into a rebellious child and led me to have a grudge to this day.

I also agree that it's hypocritical to tell a child not to be physical with other children whilst you (as a parent) are yourself, looking back now I can see some fine examples of that behaviour being mirrored by me in the playground, did I know better? Nope.

So no, even though I wasn't beaten or slammed against walls like what has happened to some poor other girls here, my own experience with parents "disciplining" their children in anger is just a total no-go for me.

I'm not saying it's impossible to use physical discipline in a cool and planned way to enforce parenting, but for me the entire concept is "contaminated". Besides, I'm sure there are other ways to explain what was wrong, I mean if you can take the time to cool down and "plan" the physical punishment then I'm sure I could use that time to think of something else to get the message across too.

Take care girls. X

 

[jenmcn1]

I think spanking is dependant on the situation. I don't agree with abuse, but I do however think that there is a time and place for a swat on a diapered bum if needed. It should NEVER be done in anger or aggression as THIS is what teaches a child to be a bully and aggressive towards others.
Like everything there needs to be a balance, first and foremost the child needs to know that you love them unconditionally...and that there are times when discipline and/or spanking is required to teach and help a child understand the severity of the situation. Before I had kids...I was TOTALLY against it...just as I looked at kids having tantrums in the mall thinking..."parents get your kids under control"...and THEN I became a parent!! Things change very quickly when you are the one dealing with toddler tantrums and meltdowns. lol!
Everyone is intitled to HOW they choose to raise or discipline their children. And NOT every child needs this type of correction in the first place. Some kids are quieter in nature and will listen to a quiet "talking". My son is VERY strong-willed...and assertive...but this is his nature. There are some circumstances that I have had to incorporate a swat or 2 on the bum. But I always explain it to him afterwards, and tell him that I love him, and that nothing can ever change that. I address the behaviour, rather than say hes "bad"...as this can develop a poor self image.
At the end of the day - there are certains forms of spanking that are wrong. But for the most part, if done correctly, a swat on the bum is not going to scar our children. There are too many parents nowadays that let their children "rule the roost"...and dictate too much by their tantrums. Being a parent is REALLY a tough job. WAY easier said than done.

 

[disneyleanne]

I have 2 boys who are 11 and 9 and I have never laid a finger on them. I personally don't agree with smacking a child as I believe there are other ways to teach our children right from wrong.

 

[Pinkie88]

I admire your patience.

 

[scotmum35]

i spent 4 yrs seeing a counseller when my kids were young.i was paraziled with fear at times when i became a single mum when my kids were 2 and 3 and i had a lot of anger about my upbringing and a lot of anxiety and 2 extra challenging kids.with thier dad leaving my oldest always being a target for bullies and my youngest being hyper hardly ever sleeping and being demanding i often wonder how i've manged to make it to thier teen yrs.
being preg again is bringing up some of those old fears again and my oh reassures me he isnt going to do what my kids dad did and my ob and mw want to make sure i have support in place before the baby comes.
i highly recommend counselling i was lucky that mine was a womans aid worker ( someone who worked with abused women and kids and also a child development worker.she never judged tried to build my self esteem up and always reminded me when i felt backed into a corner we always have choices.
if u do choose counselling i hope u find someone who really helps u they can be wonderful.

 

[Pinkie88]

i spent 4 yrs seeing a counseller when my kids were young.i was paraziled with fear at times when i became a single mum when my kids were 2 and 3 and i had a lot of anger about my upbringing and a lot of anxiety and 2 extra challenging kids.with thier dad leaving my oldest always being a target for ullies and my youngest being hyper hardly ever sleeping and being demanding i often wonder how i've manged to make it to thier teen yrs.
being preg again is bringing up some of those old fears again and my oh reassures me he isnt going to do what my kids dad did and my ob and mw want to make sure i have support in place before the baby comes.
i highly recommend counselling i was lucky that mine was a womans aid worker ( someone who worked with abused women and kids and also a child development worker.she never judged tried to build my self esteem up and always reminded me when i felt backed into a corner we always have choices.
if u do choose counselling i hope u find someone who really helps u they can be wonderful.

Wow, that must have been so challenging. I feel I can relate.. I'm single (separated but not divorced) live on my own and have been abused by family and ex boyfriends. I may have post traumatic stress disorder. I definitely want and need counseling. Scotmum, you sound strong. Thanks for sharing your story.

 

[jenmcn1]

i spent 4 yrs seeing a counseller when my kids were young.i was paraziled with fear at times when i became a single mum when my kids were 2 and 3 and i had a lot of anger about my upbringing and a lot of anxiety and 2 extra challenging kids.with thier dad leaving my oldest always being a target for ullies and my youngest being hyper hardly ever sleeping and being demanding i often wonder how i've manged to make it to thier teen yrs.
being preg again is bringing up some of those old fears again and my oh reassures me he isnt going to do what my kids dad did and my ob and mw want to make sure i have support in place before the baby comes.
i highly recommend counselling i was lucky that mine was a womans aid worker ( someone who worked with abused women and kids and also a child development worker.she never judged tried to build my self esteem up and always reminded me when i felt backed into a corner we always have choices.
if u do choose counselling i hope u find someone who really helps u they can be wonderful.

I'm sooo sorry to hear your story. I can't imagine how tough it is to be a single mom. Raising kids is difficult enough (and I hear teenagers are worse!)....big hugs! I too, have had major anxiety over being a parent. I also had a difficult upbringing...and have had counselling for it. NOT easy. I think counselling is a fantastic way to figure out hurts from the past, and how to move forward. Of course this is easier said than done. Sometimes it's an on-going process to heal from the past.

 

[Dk1234]

I don't think I'll spank because i know I'd do it when angry and that isn't right. My husband on the other hand, will probably spank and will only do it in appropriate situations and will do it in discipline, not in anger. I trust him to do this and don't feel it would be in any way abuse. I think other methods should be used to and not only spanking. It completely depends on the child.

 

[MikaylasMummy]

Not against it at all.i don't think it should be over used as it loses it's effectiveness and I think it should be kept for extreme situations ie dangerous ect.but let me tell u most mums iv witnessed being soft when their kids are acting out and quietly explaining to them while comforting their tantrum have the most terribly behaved children where as my friends who are more strict and strong or smack have far better behaved kids.the proof is in the way the generations have grown up.our generation and those before mine grew up FEARING authorities,tonnes of teens these days don't give two hoots about getting in trouble at school or in society cos they have yet to have real consequences

 

[LizziesMama]

I grew up in a household that believed in corporal punishment. My dad is a minister and based all of his parenting techniques on Biblical principals that he spent years studying, even to the point of learning Biblical languages and reading the Bible in its original form. Not strictly as a parenting guide, obviously as a minister he had other motives for studying the Bible. But my point is, he didn't make rash decisions or act out of hate or anger.

I can assure you my siblings and I were some of the best behaved children around and I wouldn't have EVER had the notion to hit my parents back! None of us are scarred, and while I probably won't resort to corporal punishment as often as my father did, I don't feel it was wrong or abusive.

Most of the time when (and this is strictly my experience) I have come accross anti corporal punishment parents, I come accross disrespectful children who walk all over their parents and don't respect authority. Someone else described them as "hippie parents " and that made me laugh. Again, I know there are probably exceptions to what I've encountered, so I'm not implying that anyone on bnb has disrespectful children...I've obviously never met them. But some offenses, I believe, require more severe punishment.

And for the record, I rarely spank my daughter and reserve it for serious offenses only. To address, the abuse issue, I think it's absolutely ridiculous and I can't even take that comment seriously.

 

[mommy12]

I myself have spanked both of my children, and I was informed IT IS NOT CHILD ABUSE by the cas! Putting a bar of soap in a childs mouth becuase they swear is child abuse not a spanking, when my oldest child was 4 I actually went to a behavioural class to learn how to deal with his anger and we have come along way in two years and I have honestly not spanked either of them in a year

 

[kippenhok]

Sorry, I just don't think an anti-authoritarian upbringing (which leads to a lack of respect for authority and thus bad behaviour) and an upbringing which does not involve spanking are necessarily synonymous.

 

[mom and ttc]

I don't think I'll spank because i know I'd do it when angry and that isn't right. My husband on the other hand, will probably spank and will only do it in appropriate situations and will do it in discipline, not in anger. I trust him to do this and don't feel it would be in any way abuse. I think other methods should be used to and not only spanking. It completely depends on the child.

my husband was pro spanking, i made clear before we had her that i will leave him if he ever does.
he thought i was overreacting, then she was born and saw the way i choose to raise our children and he loves it, he now argues with others how spanking is no way acceptable and how a calm, time out, positive way to raise it way better...
he cant even imagine anymore thinking he would ever lay a hand on his little angel.