Help on breaking pregnancy news to friend LTTTC

[Goosegoose]

Hello ladies,

After a bit of advice. My best friend has been TTC for over 3 years and is just starting down the IVF route.

I am currently 9 weeks pregnant after 3 months of trying and was wondering if anyone had some suggestions on how to break the news to her.

I'm waiting for my first scan and obviously won't be telling her over Christmas or new year.

What do you think, in person, text, letter??

Thanks for reading.

 

[Bekah78]

It took 10 years for me to get my BFP and 4 IVF/Icsi attempts. I personally found when friends told me face to face privately was the best, but everyone is different. Maybe suggest she instigates baby talk if she wants to talk about it but that you'll try and keep it to a minimum around her if it will cause more upset.
Just because we couldn't conceive without IVF didn't mean I wanted my friends to go through what we were, but it was upsetting too for a while until the news had had chance to sink in.

It's lovely that you're being thoughtful to their feelings. Good luck with breaking your happy news. Hope it goes well.

 

[LoveCakes]

I've been that person too many times and I actuàlly preferred a text or email. Face to face means you have to react straight away. I was happy for my friends but wouldn't want them to see that first irrational reaction.

I also appreciated knowing a few days before it went public so I could get used tovthe idea before having to talk about it often with mutual friends.

Good luck. I know she will be pleased for you

 

[Lil_Pixie]

I also preferred to be told over text so I could have my own reaction without having to worry I wasn't being kind.

I was always happy for my friends and family, and your friend will be happy for you too. Just remember she can be happy for you and sad for her at the same time, and that's ok.

You are a wonderful friend!

 

[vaniilla]

I've been that person too many times and I actuàlly preferred a text or email. Face to face means you have to react straight away. I was happy for my friends but wouldn't want them to see that first irrational reaction.

I also appreciated knowing a few days before it went public so I could get used tovthe idea before having to talk about it often with mutual friends.

Good luck. I know she will be pleased for you

This is what I was going to say too, face to face just puts a lot of pressure on you to seem really happy all of a sudden and that can make it all that harder.

 

[Rhiannon137]

I've done the email approach with two friends, and both told me later that they really appreciated the chance to process the info without having to immediately put on a happy face. I also made sure to ask them what amount of pregnancy/baby talk they wanted to hear. One really wanted to know all of the details that I might share with any close friend. The other said she preferred to keep a little distance on the subject.

 

[Mrsmac02]

I'm not ltttc but have had a couple of losses, one very recently, and within two weeks one of my friends told me via group whatsapp message, which was pretty unpleasant!

I would agree with the text/letter - while I will always be delighted for my friends who are expecting, a little part of me is still sad for me (rightly or wrongly) so it easier to respond when it's sunk in and I've had chance to gather my thoughts.

Good luck, whichever route you're going down - you're obviously a good friend to be thinking of her. Hope her treatment is successful and she's sharing her news with you soon! X

 

[Goosegoose]

Thank you for your suggestions. Think I'll go down the text route, and time it when she's at home with hubby rather than at work, so she can react how she needs to react.

Thanks again.

 

[4077girl]

Definitely text!! So I can bawl my eyes out and complain about how unfair it is instead of having to act happy when I just feel sad for myself (selfish but reality). Then, once I'm over it a couple days later, I can see you and be genuinely happy!!

 

[claireanddaz]

For me, although not ltttc but ive had my losses, when my sil got pregnant this year my husband told me at home on our own and i'm glad because i got upset but then i was fine when i saw her because i already had time to prepare! She went on to miscarry her fourth in a row and then i got pregnant so we then had to tell her i was pregnant but my husband phoned her so she could react in her own way.

 

[fairycat]

I was wondering this too. My friend was trying for about 3 months when we ended up pregnant. I lost that one and now 3 months later I'm pregnant again. As far as I know, she's still not pregnant after about 7 months. I don't know how to tell her I'm pregnant a second time

 

[Lues]

This is such a sweet thread. The fact that you want to know makes her a lucky person.

DH and I were TTC for over three years, and then suffered a miscarriage. In my experience, the worst way to find out about someone else is via group text or some sort of public information (facebook). it can also be oddly hurtful to find out that the person didn't tell you on purpose, BECAUSE they know you may have a mixed reaction. That one is weird, because while I knew they likely meant well, but it just felt like one more thing I got left out of.

I think no matter how you do it, in person or email/text (I can see positives to both depending on what kind of friends you are, but would probably lean toward the text/email route) acknowledging that you know how blessed you are and that while you're sure she's happy for you, it's likely not easy for her, is your best bet.

Also, another general tip: Keep pregnancy complaining at a minimum when talking to her. But there's no need to lie. Saying you have morning sickness is one thing. Talking about how horrible it is and how much you hate it, and how uncomfortable being pregnant is, can be hard to listen to from the perspective of someone who might seriously consider cutting of a limb to be in your situation.

Most people LTTTC will understand your situation. I was happy for my friends, but I had to process it first and it was combined with other emotions. Now that I'm pregnant, I have the same feelings about LTTTC friends I met online.

But just know that I think she's likely to be very grateful to have a friend like you.

 

[Lues]

Oh one other thing!

One thing I try to do for my LTTTC friends now is every once in a while, I flat out say something like:

"So, I hear you have a good friend who recently got pregnant. That's got to be difficult. How are you doing?"

It's my way of giving them a (hopefully disarming and wide open type) opportunity to tell me about their side of things.

 

[Mrsmac02]

^ this! I had a friend do it to me yesterday and it was nice to talk about it openly with her. She's personally been through more in 12 months than some people go through in their adult life (her husband died 10 minutes before her FIL died and she lost her job a couple of weeks later) but she took the time to ask how I was feeling about a friend's very recent announcement.

She's a great friend, it made me realise I'm very very lucky to have her in my life X

 

[Bumblebee117]

Thank you all for the input.

My friend has been trying for 15 months now and i don't know how and when to tell her. I want her to know before the crowds (mutual friends and social media) so she knows that she is important to me but I fear she won't understand.

I haven't told her about our loss, I wanted to and on the day I planned to tell her she brought a friend I didn't know so it kind of put me off... Then it was easier for me to grief silently until I was ready to talk again, by that time I found out I was pregnant again.

I gathered from most responses here that a text would be better? Before or after xmas?

 

[Rhiannon137]

I would say before Christmas. Your ticker looks like you are almost 11 weeks (congrats!), so she might notice and think you are avoiding telling her if you put it off.

 

[melfy77]

I am not a LTTCer but had 2 losses in a row before DD1 was born. My first loss was on december 21st so that Christmas and new year were just horrible!! I would wait until after the holidays since it's always a difficult time when you're trying to conceive but can't or miscarry. And you're only 9 weeks if it's your first you might not show until well past 15-20 weeks (I was 25 weeks when I started showing and I'm tiny!) That being said you seem like a very thoughtful person and a good friend!

 

[Rei]

One of my best friends lost one of her tubes earlier this year due to infection she has been trying to no avail ever since. On top of that she already had fertility issues.
Despite that her and I have always been able to come to each other with questions and concerns. I told her face to face and she is very happy for me though she is honest and expressed her jealousy XD we are honest with each other and that is what friendship is based on. She is your friend and you know her best. I'm sure however which way you tell her will be fine and she will be happy for you.

 

[Mrs W 11]

I would wait until after Xmas as a pp said it's such a difficult time when you ate ltttc. I have just got my bfp today after 2 years ttc no 2 and I really appreciated those friends who didn't rub my noses in their pregnancy or moan about it but were open, honest and treated me like everyone else, they didn't hide things from me or pity me. I have 1 friend who ALWAYS asks how it's going, how I'm feeling etc and it's been wonderful. It's helped me to have someone in real life to talk to and open up to as most people don't even know. Now I'm finally pregnant she will be one of the first to know!!

Just be there for her. And congratulations to you!! Enjoy your pregnancy xx