Home education/schooling

[motherofboys]

I'm really not happy right now.
My eldest son, when they 1st broke up for the summer holidays had a bit of an attitude, but over the 1st 4 weeks he grew happier and relaxed and was getting on well with his brothers and his attitude seemed to be much better. Then the last 2 weeks he started wetting the bed, a LOT, bursting in to tears at the tiniest thing. Man handling his brother. Talking back, shouting and screaming at us all and calling us names. He'd do things he knew he really shouldn't, and when we asked him why he'd start to cry and say "because I'm stupid aren't I?! I'm just and idiot!" Then on Monday he had a major blow out. I've never seen him that bad. The anger made me want to cry myself! His 6 years old how can he have this much anger in him. I asked him what was wrong and he put himself down again saying how stupid he is, and when I said why are you so angry all the time he said "because there's something wrong with my life isn't there!" Turns out all of this was because he was worried about going back to school (because my husband STILL hadn't agreed one way or the other) because of the boy from before being nasty to him. He had told us the boy had stopped being nasty but apparently that had only lasted a few days and then he was back to being nasty. My husbands answer was "his not going to be in your class this year, play with different people, your brothers going to be with you at break times and lunch time, he wont let anyone hurt you" that's going to make him look good isn't it, needing his 4 year old brother to fight his battles for him. Then after he'd gone to bed my husband said he didn't think it was as bad as he was making out. It's not proper bullying because its not physical violence. The teachers would know about it if it were going on and his just over reacting. My husbands never been a victim in his life. I have been bullied my whole school life. He doesn't understand what its like.
My son went back on Wednesday, a different boy drew all on his leg in class. Which my husband sees as nothing and was just annoyed our son had allowed it. But he doesn't stick up for himself and like me, he will allow something he doesn't want to happen to take place rather than say no. We had lots of crying and screaming and refusing to get dressed this morning
My 4 year old doesn't start till Monday and my husband talks about home schooling him in a hypothetical way but says my eldest sons attitude means we wouldn't be able to teach him and that we couldn't keep one home and send the other so they must all go to school. But he doesn't see that my sons attitude is BECAUSE of school and he was behaving better and better until he realized school was once again approaching.

 

[marley2580]

Hugs hun. Have you sat your hubby down and spoken about it? How about seeing if he'd agree to 6 months of home ed for a start? Your son could always go back to school if things don't work out.

 

[motherofboys]

I'm sorry for that big rant, I just had to let it out. It's kind of been building.
I've spoken to him about it in the past and I thought I was getting through. Perhaps its time for another chat. I don't know how he can see our son so upset and still think he was making it up or over reacting. His even wetting the bed, its not like he can force that.

 

[Gemie]

@motherofboys I felt so sad for your little boy reading that he's quite clearly not enjoying school I really think you should bring up the home ed with your husband again.
I'm sure the fear of school is hindering your sons ability to learn at the moment.

 

[motherofboys]

His always done really well in school and I was worrying that he might get over looked when they were concentrating on the children who were struggling. But now I'm worried about him shutting down because his not happy.

 

[motherofboys]

I started talking to him and he just brushed it off and then said his dad hadnt replied to his text and went and phoned him. He just doesnt understand, his mind is so set on what is right and normal.

 

[marley2580]

Have you told him outright that you want to take your son out of school? Tell him that you feel this is the best option for your son and that you will take full responsibility for that decision. Then if it doesn't work he can say 'I told you so', but if it does work (which it will) he will see the change in your son and is likely to become a convert. It's not easy I know, but sometimes you have to say 'this is what I feel is best and I expect you to trust me in this'.

 

[mamaofthree]

My eldest went through something similar for, and for a whole year we struggled. Things have improved since de-registering but it's still a working progress. My son also has counselling for anxiety which may be helping. I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I think it is important to remember the individual childs needs, and you could indeed send one child, and not the other, as you are not every familly...Do what feels right for you. I'm sorry to hear your Oh is still finding the idea difficult. Maybe tell him it doesn't have to be forever? School will always be there if things don't work out. Could you put it to him as a kind of 'trial run'? What are your feelings about this....waht is your instinct telling you? xxx

 

[motherofboys]

I really want to just pull him out. I don't want him to spend his whole school life being bullied. I've always said that big decisions like this should be made jointly and don't want it to seem like I'm just doing it because its what I want to do and ignoring my husbands feelings. He always says he would never force them to do something they didn't want to do with regards to the clubs they go to, so why should it be any different when it comes to school? He thinks talking to the teacher will help, I know it might for a few days but in my experience it never completely solves the problem and there is always someone else waiting to step into roll of bully once they know you're an easy target.
I don't expect an immediate change, I know some of it will be my sons age and he is just a child who will have his ups and downs and his 'moments' but he did seem much happier.
I'm sorry to put all this on you ladies, just not many people understand.

 

[Gemie]

Hmmm it's a tough one isn't it, I really feel for you. I'd be inclined to pull him out of school, that would be what I would want to do. But your husband has a say also. I think you have to have a serious chat about this with him. Tell him how you feel, say you want to try it to see if your sons attitude changes if he's not got the pressure of going to school... Put it to your husband that it will be a trial basis, see what he says.

Hope you get something sorted, I know you must feel completely awful

 

[Tanikit]

motherofboys have you tried a problem solving approach with your husband? Rather than just giving him the homeschooling option, first tell him that you see a problem - explain the bed wetting, the attitude problems, the bullying and tell him this is not the child you used to know and that there is clearly a problem and then get his take on that - see if you can get him to admit that there is a problem at all. If he starts to say there isn't a problem then ask him if this is the way he always was and if this is the way he wants his child to be? Usually they will admit a problem and then go on to blame something else... thats ok... first step is to admit there is a problem.

Next get him to say when he thinks the problem started and what it could be caused by. Very often someone in denial will blame the child himself sayin that your son should stick up for himself, be tougher etc. Remind him your son is 6 years old and still very little.

Ask him what he thinks you could do about this and be open to any ideas at all - talk to the teacher/the school, could you possibly move schools?, homeschooling - you need a long list of ALL your options and you need to be honest with yourself about your options too as does he - don't discount anything at this stage.

Then list the pros and cons of each option and what you think the consequences of a certain decision would be. This is where you get to push the homeschooling and he will fight back with the socialization issues. Hopefully you can also hear from him why he thinks school is so important (very often it is not exactly socialization, but more a feeling of comraderie or a right of passage, or thoughts about good friends he had in school or even just the feeling that that is the way things should be done)

Try and decide together which option to try first, for how long you will give it a try and what you will do if the option you choose does not work. Tell him that it is NOT ok to leave things how they are and that something must change because your son is suffering and you wouldn't leave him to suffer in any other situation so the same should go for schooling.

Good luck. I really hope you can find a solution that works. While homeschooling usually is a great option and especially since you are keen to do it, make sure you look at all options and find the best solution for your whole family. I have met many children in our homeschooled groups who were pulled out of schools because of bullying and they all seem great kids who are doing very well now and treat the other children in the group with respect - your ideas are great, you just need to make sure that your DH feels heard as well. If he will not hear you however you may have to make a decision as leaving him how he is is not fair on him at all.

 

[Gemie]

motherofboys have you tried a problem solving approach with your husband? Rather than just giving him the homeschooling option, first tell him that you see a problem - explain the bed wetting, the attitude problems, the bullying and tell him this is not the child you used to know and that there is clearly a problem and then get his take on that - see if you can get him to admit that there is a problem at all. If he starts to say there isn't a problem then ask him if this is the way he always was and if this is the way he wants his child to be? Usually they will admit a problem and then go on to blame something else... thats ok... first step is to admit there is a problem.

Next get him to say when he thinks the problem started and what it could be caused by. Very often someone in denial will blame the child himself sayin that your son should stick up for himself, be tougher etc. Remind him your son is 6 years old and still very little.

Ask him what he thinks you could do about this and be open to any ideas at all - talk to the teacher/the school, could you possibly move schools?, homeschooling - you need a long list of ALL your options and you need to be honest with yourself about your options too as does he - don't discount anything at this stage.

Then list the pros and cons of each option and what you think the consequences of a certain decision would be. This is where you get to push the homeschooling and he will fight back with the socialization issues. Hopefully you can also hear from him why he thinks school is so important (very often it is not exactly socialization, but more a feeling of comraderie or a right of passage, or thoughts about good friends he had in school or even just the feeling that that is the way things should be done)

Try and decide together which option to try first, for how long you will give it a try and what you will do if the option you choose does not work. Tell him that it is NOT ok to leave things how they are and that something must change because your son is suffering and you wouldn't leave him to suffer in any other situation so the same should go for schooling.

Good luck. I really hope you can find a solution that works. While homeschooling usually is a great option and especially since you are keen to do it, make sure you look at all options and find the best solution for your whole family. I have met many children in our homeschooled groups who were pulled out of schools because of bullying and they all seem great kids who are doing very well now and treat the other children in the group with respect - your ideas are great, you just need to make sure that your DH feels heard as well. If he will not hear you however you may have to make a decision as leaving him how he is is not fair on him at all.

Great advice

 

[motherofboys]

Thank you for your advice. We talked some more about it today (before I saw your reply) and he was saying "but what about" What about if it doesnt work, they will be behind when they go back. They will refuse to go back What about when it comes to senior school. What about if they want to go on to university. What about the subjects you dont know about, you cant teach them as well as someone who specialises in it. They wont want to learn and will just argue with us and try to skive off. Wont it be more work and they are different ages surely they have to do different work.
I've given him answers to all these and he just says "what ever you thinks best....but what about" he even used the fact we want more babies as a reason not to, as if you cant do it with a baby.
I think I will try asking him what other options he thinks there is and what we should do.

 

[marley2580]

If he's worried about university etc he can talk to me, I was home educated - have never been to school - and I have an MA (hons) from university. Has he met/spoken to any home edders? Maybe that would reassure him a bit. Personally I'd seize upon the 'whatever you feel is best' and start the deregistration process

 

[motherofboys]

Thats good to know marley, I don't think his ever met anyone who has been home schooled, and I think the ignorant opinion of a lot of people is that people who have been home educated have poor social skills and are not very bright.
I don't think he can match in his head the idea that I wont be sitting them at the table from 9am to 3:30pm 5 days a week making them write yet they will still be getting an education.
I've found the Education Otherwise site with the sample of a deregistration letter. My 4 year old is due to start Monday, and I'm not sure if I would need to write two letters or just one. I'm sure I read somewhere a few months ago that you need one letter per child.

 

[Gemie]

My h2b is a college art technician and I can tell you for sure that teachers who're teaching certain subjects are most likely not qualified in that are of expertise. Ie my h2b is a camera buff, what he doesn't know about cameras, film, lighting, Apature etc isn't worth knowing... Do they employ him on the a level photography course as a leacturer?? Nope they employ someone already on the teaching payroll who knows diddly squat about cameras because it's all about budget and money and targets the guy who's teaching a level photography asks my h2b endless questions about it and my h2b isn't getting paid for his knowledge. This is what makes me sick about education.. It's not about students it's about money

Sorry for that rant but when you husband said about it being better for your child to be taught by someone who is qualified to teach a certain subject, just wanted to let you know it's not as black and white as that.

 

[Tanikit]

Remind your DH that your children are 6,4, and 2 years old - they are not going to be doing high school subjects for quite some time - homeschooling is usually done one year at a time - you don't plan anyone's education all the way through to high school because you never know where you will be or what could happen and its the same with homeschooling. If you find the children are very far behind after one year you could put them back in school and they'd catch up - chances are if you do your job of homeschooling well then they will land up ahead more than behind because of the individualised attention.

I would certainly try to get your DH to meet some people who are homeschooling and some kids who are being homeschooled.

As for the subjects you do not know about - mostly you learn as you go. I had no idea until recently how to even start teaching my child to spell but she is still learning and I have learnt a lot about different methods of teaching. Many curricula teach you how to teach and in the higher grades many students are self teaching and then may get a tutor to help. The fact that so many people do homeschool means it can be successfully done. Your DH seems to be coming round - hope it works for you.

 

[marley2580]

Thats good to know marley, I don't think his ever met anyone who has been home schooled, and I think the ignorant opinion of a lot of people is that people who have been home educated have poor social skills and are not very bright.
I don't think he can match in his head the idea that I wont be sitting them at the table from 9am to 3:30pm 5 days a week making them write yet they will still be getting an education.
I've found the Education Otherwise site with the sample of a deregistration letter. My 4 year old is due to start Monday, and I'm not sure if I would need to write two letters or just one. I'm sure I read somewhere a few months ago that you need one letter per child.

Until your son actually attends the school you don't need to de register him. Also, there is no legal need to provide him with an education until the 1st school term after his 5th birthday. You only need to de reg the 6 year old.

 

[motherofboys]

Thanks girls I've told him I just want to try till Christmas, or Easter as it's not enough time to fall behind and if all goes well only do primary school. I thought that it would make it seem less scary to choose a date that seems fairly close. As for high school, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. His away this weekend with his Dad and Brother at some car show/market thing, so hopefully this will give him plenty of thinking time. In the mean time, I'm drafting a letter, and starting to worry about peoples reactions but getting excited too.

 

[yazzy]

So glad I found this page as I'd like to homeschool my LO and any future children. She is only 4 months now but want to be prepared as perduading the OH might not be easy!