How would you feel about this?

[katy1310]

Our friend is pregnant, due in March. I have to admit I have struggled since she reached and passed 27 weeks, and every time I see her/hear about her, it gets harder. I don't want to be mean, I really am excited for her, but at the same time, it hurts - does that make sense?

She works with DH, and he has just told me that if our friend's DH is uncontactable when she goes into labour, she has put DH down as the person to contact, and it would be a case of him taking her to the hospital and staying with her till her mum or DH arrive.

I feel very weird about this....the thought of him being part of that with someone else, when we never had that ourselves, and never will. It's just the thought of another pregnant woman going into labour and contacting him, and him getting her to the hospital where I had Sophie, and staying with her while she is in labour, and we missed out on all that. I know I am probably being really mean and selfish, but I'm struggling with the thought.

I said to him won't it feel a bit strange doing that with someone else, when we missed out on the whole excitement of it, and he said "we'll get it next time" - but we won't, because if I do get pregnant again, it will be a planned section.

I don't know...I'm probably just being irrational It's just all these little things that I missed out on really do still get to me from time to time.

 

[Srrme]

To be honest, that would probably make me feel quite uncomfortable!

 

[katy1310]

I'm glad it's not just me! x

 

[LegoHouse]

I would NEVER let my OH do that... That makes me sound horrible

 

[katy1310]

I don't want to let him, but at the same time, I don't want to be mean or unreasonable.....xx

 

[Betheney]

I would 100% feel the same. Did she ask if it was okay? Or just tell youthat's what's happening. It would definitely make me uncomfortable.

 

[25weeker]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I personally couldn't imagine having another man with me if I was in labour, it would have to be a female. What happens if it is a quick labour does she expect your husband to stay with her?

As for you not experiencing it although you will have a planned section it will still be an exciting time as you will be getting to meet your baby and take them home with you .

For my next one I don't care how it's delivered as long as it isn't coming out of my tummy before 37 weeks.

 

[katy1310]

I would 100% feel the same. Did she ask if it was okay? Or just tell youthat's what's happening. It would definitely make me uncomfortable.

She just told him that's what's happening. I'm surprised she didn't think how it might make us feel, because she was worried about how I'd feel the first time I saw her with a bump. x

 

[bumpsmum]

Not irrational at all, no disrespect to your friend but why would you want another male other than our own with you at all! Also given your own story I think it's selfish on her part to arrange this without consulting you or taking your situation into consideration all a bit strange to me xx

 

[katy1310]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I personally couldn't imagine having another man with me if I was in labour, it would have to be a female. What happens if it is a quick labour does she expect your husband to stay with her?

As for you not experiencing it although you will have a planned section it will still be an exciting time as you will be getting to meet your baby and take them home with you .

For my next one I don't care how it's delivered as long as it isn't coming out of my tummy before 37 weeks.

I know, I couldn't imagine having another man with me either. Her mum and DH both work in Edinburgh and she'll be in the Royal so fingers crossed one of them will get there fast (she and DH both work in Dalkeith and she lives in Dalkeith). I think it's because DH can drive and I don't know if she has any female friends who can. I still feel quite uncomfortable though.

I *hope* we have a much closer to fullterm-er next time! x

 

[Betheney]

I don't find it that bizarre if she needs him for a lift and help into the hospital and that's it. But if she wants him to go into the birth suite and wait until her DH or mum get there then that's kinda... yuck.

 

[katy1310]

I don't find it that bizarre if she needs him for a lift and help into the hospital and that's it. But if she wants him to go into the birth suite and wait until her DH or mum get there then that's kinda... yuck.

I don't find it bizarre that she needs him for a lift, it's just I feel a bit blah that we missed out on all that excitement of going into labour and him getting me to the hospital etc and he's going to maybe be getting to do that with someone else.

I WILL find it horrible if he has to go into the birth suite! I reckon he might have to if it comes to him having to take her there, if her mum or DH isn't there when they get there. x

 

[Betheney]

I totally think it's fine you feel the way you do and think I would feel the same if I was in that situation to think my husband might witness labour first hand and it not be my own wouldn't feel so great, especially with all the circumstances.

It's probably a bit extreme and will probably not even come to it. But worst case scenario she goes into labour and he's in the birthing suite with her tell him to sit outside. Even if she doesn't want to be alone I think labour is an incredibly intimate thing. I would genuinely hit the roof if my husband was apart of it. I hope that doesn't sound too bitchy... but seriously... I'd probably never get over it. I think labour and birth is a too personal thing to have my husband be apart of someone else's.

But then again I'm really strict on who comes into my birthing suite, I won't let my mum or anyone other than my husband. I just feel it's a moment between a husband and wife and their child. I totally get how others feel differently, I'm just trying to explain where my opinion comes from.

 

[AP]

oh katy - id feel exactly the same, i cant explain it - but i would!

 

[katy1310]

Meh. Now I have found out that DH is 100% going to be taking her to hospital if she goes into labour through the week during working hours

I said to him I wish she had someone else who could do it, because it's so hard having missed out on that myself and now I have to see him do that part with someone else, and he seems to have gone angry and saying I am making a big deal out of it, which I am not.

I'm also not finding it easy hearing that she has been complaining about the baby moving around too much and she's not comfy. This time of year is hard for me as it is, she is due just a matter of days after Sophie's birthday and I don't know....I'm just struggling a bit with it. I'm not even making a big deal, just it feels a bit like she is getting something with DH that I wanted to do with him and I didn't get to.

I don't even see what the rush is, if I had gone into labour, DH would have had to drive home from work - one hour - then drive me to the hospital - another hour. She lives quite near the hospital, DH works nearby and her DH isn't that far away either. Aaargh. Maybe I am just being over fragile but I so hope she doesn't go into labour on a week day! x

ETA He told me I am getting possessive and jealous over it?

 

[Betheney]

somtimes when my husband tells me i'm being ridiculous i tell him regardless of whether i'm being ridiculous or not i'm still in pain and would prefer my husband try and remember that and help me rather than just accuse me of being silly and leaving me to feel like total shit. If he cared about me at all no matter if he agreed with what i was upset about or not he should do everything in his power to make me feel better.

Whether he agrees with the opinion or not doesn't change how sad it makes you feel. You should remind him of that.

But if everyone lives so close i can't see why she can't ring her DH while at work. I mean if everything happens quickly then i can see why she needs a lift but otherwise why can't her other half pick her up from work. Is she working until full term, is she going on maternity leave before the due date.

hugs and kisses.

 

[sethsmummy]

I dont think your being possessive. What he is going to do for this woman is something that you missed out on with your own child and you want him to experience it for the first time with you.

I dont see why her own partner cant collect her from work and take her. At the end of the day it could be hours and hours before anything happens so there is no rush at all for her to get to the hospital. Especially since most want you to labor at home till 4cm! As pp said.. is she working till term or going on maternity leave? I hope she goes on maternity leave.

And as for your partner.. i think he needs to take some time to sit back and think of this from your perspective!

 

[katy1310]

Thanks ladies. I think she is finishing up next week and the baby is due in around 6 weeks.

I was thinking that too, that she would probably be at home for the first while. Her DH works in the city centre and the hospital is on the outskirts. She lives on the outskirts, very near where she and DH work.

I hope she never sees this thread! But I'm not meaning to be bitchy, it just hurts that he's going to be experiencing something for the first time with someone else that I wanted him to experience with me

 

[AP]

I don't see it as bitchy at all. It stirs something inside me when I try and put myself in your shoes but I can explain it, but I do get why you are upset. Xxx

 

[Foogirl]

Even if we'd had the smoothest FT pregnancy in the world, there is no way I'd be happy with this situation.

Two things bother me. One, at no point was I asked to tell anyone who was going to take me to hospital and did I have a back up plan. And two, how on earth did she think it was ok to do without even asking him?

I was asked who my back up birthing partner was if OH couldn't make it........

Regardless of whether he thinks you are being unreasonable about it, he should respect your wishes in this. You are his wife FFS, your feelings trump hers on this.

Just to get another view on this, I'm going to ask Mr P about this later.