husband problems): 2 leave or 2 stay?

[GetNmyBelly]

first I want 2 say sorry 4 posting personal issues on here..id just rather hear wat u ladies think before I go 2 my family with this situation. soo its gotten pretty bad with my marriage. im 23 he is 26. he smokes weed every day & when he runs out he is mean 2 me. we both wanted a baby.. but he acts like he could care less about it. he doesn't seem interested when I talk about baby & he hasn't been 2 any doctor appointments with me. we don't sleep n the same bed anymore. when he upsets me & I cry 4 long periods of time he doesn't say one word 2 me. I haven't been able 2 keep any food down for 2 days straight.. he could care less it doesn't concern him at all. when we argue he threatens 2 get custody of the baby & give it a new mommy. we've probably kissed once on the lips n the past week (maybe longer) & we never hug. when I tell him 2 come gimme a kiss or something he always says "no" I always wanted 2 have a baby with him & a part of me thought he might love me more if we get pregnant.. (& no this is not the reason I wanted a baby) but its like worse? just typing all of this & realizing everything that's going on makes me soo sad im so sorry this is long..things r just not going good 4 me. his good qualities: he gave me my baby.. that's pretty much it. I feel everything is just falling apart before my eyes. I cry all the time he never spends time with me or anything. ive never actually "left" him or anything like that. maybe if I did leave 4 a while he would realize im not putting up with the bullshit anymore & he would change? or am I just having wishful thinking? I talked 2 my mom earlier & I am going 2 her house tomoro 2 cool off & think about everything. I mean I should probably leave him right? or do I make it work 4 my family?

 

[MnGmakes3]

I think posting this you've already answered your own question.
I'm sorry but I didn't even have to read this all to say leave him. Hes obviously not interested in anything now. Why waste any more of your time?

 

[butterflywolf]

I hate the phrase "make it work for the kids/family". You can't just 'make it work' if there isn't love on both sides. Clearly he doesn't seem to truly care about you (from what you said I don't have his side and I hate judging when I only have one side). My friends tried to make it work, but couldn't. They where unhappy and their son (7 year old almost now). Saw it. He wasn't happy and would act out since that was the only time he got BOTH of their attention even if it was negative. (don't do that, time outs, etc.)

Go to your moms think about it, truly think about it. I say if you can go seek out marriage/couple's counseling. Even if it's just you who goes.

Personally, I would let him go. Document EVERYTHING. When he smokes what he does or doesn't do. Get yourself a paper trial so there is no way he can get full custody of that kid. Most courts already will side with the female in most cases, but it does help if you have documentation of what went on time, date, what happened etc. Not just you but if your friends see it or family his or yours. (I have an aunt who had to fight for full custody of her grand daughter. Another story for another time).

 

[Peanut112]

Hun, you deserve better. In your heart you know whats best... and remember.. You're not alone!!

 

[GetNmyBelly]

thanks 2 those who replied .. I mean ur right.. he really must not care about me right? & the crazy part is that he acts like our marriage is fine! but I see other couples (friends, family etc) & look how they act around each other & it makes me think about my marriage & how bad it is. we were so n love I just don't know wat happened!! he doesn't seem 2 care about me or our baby growing inside me.. & yet he wanted this baby so badly? I was watching youtube videos of wives/girlfriends telling their husbands they were pregnant & some cried & all of them were so excited! I didn't get this from my husband. he says hes happy & is excited 2 be a dad but I don't SEE it. just like he SAYS he loves me every day but once again I don't SEE it ): I have no idea wat 2 do. I thought my first marriage would be my only marriage. it hurts bad.

 

[spunky84]

Was he like this before you got pregnant?

I will say not all husbands/boyfriends/etc get excited about pregnancy, even if wanted. DD was planned and instead of being excited and happy, DH was scared to death and honestly didn't adjust to having a child until she was 4 months old.

If this just started since getting pregnant, I'd say it sounds like, even though he wanted the baby, he's scared and doesn't know how to handle those feelings. In this case definitely get counseling so he can work through his fears. Having a baby can be terrifying no matter how much it was planned. It changes your life completely and that can be scary.

If he was like this before the baby, I'd say it's time to make other arrangements. Like butterflywolf suggested, counseling, even if it's just you. And yes, document, document, document! The fact that he said he'd try and take the baby away and give him/her a new mom sent up so many red flags. He may have said it out of anger or to try and hurt you, but I'd be documenting that because if it did ever come down to custody, that could be a big factor in what they decide (and no matter what he thinks, the child is most often placed with the mom unless there is absolute proof that the mother is unable to care for the child - but there could always be shared custody which is why I say document what he said and when).

Whatever reason he has for being like this, whether is baby related or not, reach out to your family. Pregnant or not, this is a hard situation. You're going to need support whether you end up leaving him or not.

Ultimately you have to do what you think is best and safest for you and your child.

 

[orionfox]

I agree with the above poster...if he just started acting this way once you got pregnant, there is something going on emotionally for him. But yes i would leave him if he was like this before. I have seen at my work (im in a daycare) many families who have stuck together for their kid, and the child ends up being monkey in the middle because the parents still have their issues. Just doing it for the kid doesnt solve the actual issue. Kids can read how the parents react with one another. And the emotional issues and behaviour issues these kids have is very saddening. So really the answer all depends on if he was like this before or after.

 

[abitclueless]

the moment he says he's going to get custody of the baby and give him a new mommy you know you have to go. I've been in a similar situation, but instead of weed it was cocaine, and oddly enough, I was your same age. In my case, I chose to stay and that was probably the biggest mistake of my life.

You need someone that will love you and respect you, he doesn't, that's clear. Don't let your emotions and hormones make you think it can be worked out, not now, maybe with time, but time apart.

I know what you're feeling, I've been through the same thing and it's horrible... especially when you should be enjoying yourself.

Don't make the same mistake I made and get out, focus on your baby. Don't create any more bad memories of something that should be nothing but wonderful. You'll regret it.

Someone advised counseling, that's not going to work, not right now. He needs to figure his stuff out himself and you or any counselor won't be able to. A baby is a big deal and some people react differently. It took about a year for my ex to realize what was going on, but then it was too late. I took my time to heal and enjoy my baby, so by the time he wanted to fix things up I realized I was done with all his crap and him being completely disrespectful.

Plus, don't take his threats too seriously, he won't make it far in court, especially if he does drugs regularly.

Shoot me a message if you need it, more than welcome to lend an ear.

 

[Julesillini8]

Sorry you are going through this
I also think you should leave him. Marriage gets harder after baby arrives, not easier. I can't say for sure if working ionit and talking about it with him will help or not, but I hope you make a decision that's best for you and your baby. Best wishes!

 

[GetNmyBelly]

sadly he pretty much acted like this before I was pregnant. the new things that have happened after being pregnant is him being mean 2 me if he doesn't have weed, & of course the threatening about the baby. he smokes every single day multiple times a day. I hate the smell of it not that he gives a shit. I cant wait 2 get out of here tomoro!! screw him.

 

[orionfox]

Good for you...it will also be healthier for your pregnancy as having to smell the pot can get into babies system. You also dont need to be raising a baby in a pot environment. Its also a safety risk. Good for you for leaving. It will be much healthier for you and baby. He/she doesnt need to grow up in that environment. If i were you though keep a documentation of everything AND photos showing his pot etc. That way if he tries to come after you for custody, you can prove its an unfit home for your child. Without proof he could say anything and you have nothing to back up your side.

 

[spunky84]

I'm sorry It does sound like leaving is best then.

I agree with previous poster that pot around the baby, born or not, is not healthy (nor is it for you).

I'm glad you are doing what you feel is best. It really does take a lot of strength to get out of a bad relationship. It's hard enough to do it without a little one involved. Sounds like you're doing the right thing. His behavior and drug use isn't fair to you or the baby

 

[orionfox]

Btw you can always come talk to us to help you get through this...its not an easy thing to do, but we are here for you

 

[klouise1993]

Hey if you want to of course private message me, I know a little bit about this sort of situation and might be able to help you chick xxx