Is it right to smack a child?

[bumpy_j]

I hate when people say "I was parented in this way and it didn't hurt me". How do you know? Are you perfect?

No but arguably neither will your child, no-ones perfect and that's the products of many, many, many environmental and genetic factors not simply whether you smacked or not. A smack on the hand should not mould who you become.

I have never smacked my kid so I have no reason to be so defensive but it frustrates me because I know some fantastic parents who've smacked their kids, albeit even if it was just once in a blue moon - and seemingly on this thread they are portraying them as abusers.

 

[Gen79]

I hate when people say "I was parented in this way and it didn't hurt me". How do you know? Are you perfect?

No but arguably neither will your child, no-ones perfect and that's the products of many, many, many environmental and genetic factors not simply whether you smacked or not. A smack on the hand should not mould who you become.

I have never smacked my kid so I have no reason to be so defensive but it frustrates me because I know some fantastic parents who've smacked their kids, albeit even if it was just once in a blue moon - and seemingly on this thread they are portraying them as abusers.

I don't think they're abusers, though I do think there is a better way. The truth though is, that better way requires a LOT of thought and patience.

Anyway, you're right, sadly my child won't be perfect any more than anyone else is. But research shows that children who are smacked as punishment are angrier in general and have a harder time dealing with conflict. Statistically this is true. Anyone who says it isn't true for them personally is either lucky or deluded, I guess.

 

[Eve]

First of all the arm isnt twisted... Mom grabbed it obviously as child didnt want to be hit,smacked,slapped,swattex; spanked or however else you wish to say it... Second, most people who I have seen spank their child grabbed their arm, be it gently or not. Third, I didnt call it abuse but I sure as hell wouldnt go as far as to call it dicipline either.

I was spanked as a child. My mom didnt always use her hands either. Sometimes it was a spoon... Guess what everyone? I still think she is an amazing mom! Even crazier? She is a kick ass grandmother. Her mom hit her as a child and with my son I have resorted to spanking as I thought it was what you did. I learned from experience and was very tempted to continue the cycle and to me? Yeah... It means I am NOT fine and will not use the phrase as an attempt to justify putting my hands on my children.

If you are close enough to smack your child when trying to touch something hot why not move them? If your hands can reach them while trying to run for the road, again...grab them. There are many different ways to teach our children without using force.

I am posting in the debate section right?

 

[OctBebe]

IMO children behaviour in the past 10year has become out of control. I know SO many children that just don't listen and are crazy little brats. Spanking taught me when I was a child not to do things, these days all the child gets is a "Don't do that" so then they just associate bad with a telling off, woohoo. As a child I associated being naughty with a spank on the bum and sent to my room.

Well see when LO gets older and depending on what he does to if I will spank him, I will use all techniques before ever resorting to that. My mother used to chase me around with a razor strop to whoop my ass. I would run for my life. What it teaches them is to associate bad decissions with a spank, then they will think twice. Mum was telling me the first spank I got was when I was trying to stick a fork in a power socket. She would never strike me anywhere but my bum, it onlyever gave me a fright and that was enought to makeme cry! I remember once me playing up being a total little shitand not going to be as mum asked, dad could hear all this from the bath, he got out and gave me a good smack on the arse, mum even cried. But thats horrible, these days you will get locked up for doing that.

 

[Eve]

I agree with the behavior changing but I believe it has to do with many things. Yes playing with light sockets is highly dangerous but now days we have lots of things to avoid the situation which in turn wouldnt warrant a spanking. I think its the lack of love and understanding that is messing up our youth. We are told to let them cry it out, amongst many other less attached and rough things and are taught to go against our own instincts to prevent our babies from manipulating us etc... Lack of spanking? Nahhhh I dont think so anyways but its my own opinion.

 

[ShanandBoc]

^ I think lack of consistency and laziness is a factor too these days

 

[pinklightbulb]

Agree with ShanandBoc about lack of consistency and laziness!

 

[indy and lara]

I hate when people say "I was parented in this way and it didn't hurt me". How do you know? Are you perfect?

Of course I know and I do not know what the relevance of the perfect comment is about.

I have no deep lingering, simmering anger about being smacked. It probably happened less than 10 times and always with a hand, never an item. It has not shaped my adulthood, not has it stopped me trying new things, affected my confidence or lowered my self-esteem. I have never been in an abusive relationship not have I ever hit another adult.

I do not believe that occasional smacking will result in a traumatised child or adult. I am not deluded either, thanks very much.

 

[Gen79]

I hate when people say "I was parented in this way and it didn't hurt me". How do you know? Are you perfect?

Of course I know and I do not know what the relevance of the perfect comment is about.

I have no deep lingering, simmering anger about being smacked. It probably happened less than 10 times and always with a hand, never an item. It has not shaped my adulthood, not has it stopped me trying new things, affected my confidence or lowered my self-esteem. I have never been in an abusive relationship not have I ever hit another adult.

I do not believe that occasional smacking will result in a traumatised child or adult. I am not deluded either, thanks very much.

But how do you know you're not deluded? Deluded people don't think they're deluded. Its like if you think you're crazy you're probably not crazy. But if you think everyone else is crazy, you're probably crazy.

Anyway, what I meant by deluded is unable to see the effects. There are a lot of things about our own psychology that we cannot see because we are too close.

The perfect comment was about this: you said it didn't lower your self esteem. How do you know it didn't lower your self esteem unless you are 100% confident about yourself as a person? How do you know you don't have a little more anger than you otherwise would have?

My DH was hit as a kid and the more I hear about it the more I think it was actually quite a big deal. Yet he's a well functioning, intelligent, contributing member of society. But as an adolescent he had some major anger and depression issues that took him a long time to work out. If you look at the research about the effects of corporal punishment it fits. Luckily he was clever enough to counsel himself through it. Not everyone can.

To me its similar to the cc/cio issue. The research shows that extreme cases of neglect result in specific types of psychological results. Never leaving a child to cry alone results in opposite psychological results. So there's a continuum between very happy, confident, gregarious children all the way to withdrawn, unable to interact. I'd rather keep my kid on the far left side of that.

Similarly, there are empathetic, social, successful kids who were not smacked all the way to some antisocial, angry, unsuccessful kids who were. I'd rather keep mine on the far left of that one too. Whether anyone wants to take the risk of those effects edging into their own kids is their decision, I guess.

 

[Dragonfly]

Agree with ShanandBoc about lack of consistency and laziness!

^ I think lack of consistency and laziness is a factor too these days

Do you mean not smacking kids is lazy or smacking them is?


I wasnt smacked and I turned out ok I never needed it and none of my siblings did either. Not even my cousins who we grew up with where spanked and they arnt in jail they are good teens now. Humiliating the family name is way more a worry. You certainly dont do that in my family

 

[ShanandBoc]

No, i wasnt referring to smacking at all, i was just saying lack of consistent discipline and lazy parenting would contribute to the increase in disrespectful, out of control children.

I personally will not be smacking Ellie, both my husband and i dont agree with it for our children, but i dont disagree with others doing it either in the context ity has been explained by many in this thread.. Each to their own. I dont think its my right to fiercely impose my parenting choices on others.

 

[Dragonfly]

No, i wasnt referring to smacking at all, i was just saying lack of consistent discipline and lazy parenting would contribute to the increase in disrespectful, out of control children.

I personally will not be smacking Ellie, both my husband and i dont agree with it for our children, but i dont disagree with others doing it either in the content ity has been explained by many in this thread.. Each to their own. I dont think its my right to fiercely impose my parenting choices on others.[/QUOT

Discipline is showing right from wrong, some kids need more direction that others but in different forms according to parenting style. Not necessary to smack kids who act out due to something else in life that could well be sorted out with talking. Some kids have been smacked way to much and rebel now, whats the worst that can happen to them, another smack? thats all. Thats the consequences for them. Not a big one if you are used to being smacked. Not taking responsibilities for own actions there at all. Smacking to me is ineffective, one of the most ineffective long term dispelling techniques and a disrespectful one. Now you can take that as imposing parenting choices if you want but thats how i feel and what I think of it. My opinion. Not going to stop any one who does it by reading this same as it wouldnt make me spank my child reading why they do it.

 

[ShanandBoc]

Fair enough, i think you have made ur opinion quite clear on here already tho without needing to repeat it over and over again, cause then it doesn't come across as just a respectful opinion.

 

[Dragonfly]

Fair enough, i think you have made ur opinion quite clear on here already tho without needing to repeat it over and over again, cause then it doesn't come across as just a respectful opinion.

I dont get you, how am I not respectful? others have said why they spank I have said why I have not does that make me disrespectful to say how I feel about it?

 

[ShanandBoc]

Dragonfly, when i said ' I dont think its my right to fiercely impose my parenting choices on others' i was speaking for myself, it wasnt even aimed at you! But u took it personally and felt the need to go on about how wrong ( its abuse, its violence etc) smacking is again! It comes across as forcing your opinion as right and others as wrong, therefore it comes across as disrespectful, i never said it was ur intention tho. Moving on......

 

[indy and lara]

I hate when people say "I was parented in this way and it didn't hurt me". How do you know? Are you perfect?

Of course I know and I do not know what the relevance of the perfect comment is about.

I have no deep lingering, simmering anger about being smacked. It probably happened less than 10 times and always with a hand, never an item. It has not shaped my adulthood, not has it stopped me trying new things, affected my confidence or lowered my self-esteem. I have never been in an abusive relationship not have I ever hit another adult.

I do not believe that occasional smacking will result in a traumatised child or adult. I am not deluded either, thanks very much.

But how do you know you're not deluded? Deluded people don't think they're deluded. Its like if you think you're crazy you're probably not crazy. But if you think everyone else is crazy, you're probably crazy.

Anyway, what I meant by deluded is unable to see the effects. There are a lot of things about our own psychology that we cannot see because we are too close.

The perfect comment was about this: you said it didn't lower your self esteem. How do you know it didn't lower your self esteem unless you are 100% confident about yourself as a person? How do you know you don't have a little more anger than you otherwise would have?

My DH was hit as a kid and the more I hear about it the more I think it was actually quite a big deal. Yet he's a well functioning, intelligent, contributing member of society. But as an adolescent he had some major anger and depression issues that took him a long time to work out. If you look at the research about the effects of corporal punishment it fits. Luckily he was clever enough to counsel himself through it. Not everyone can.

To me its similar to the cc/cio issue. The research shows that extreme cases of neglect result in specific types of psychological results. Never leaving a child to cry alone results in opposite psychological results. So there's a continuum between very happy, confident, gregarious children all the way to withdrawn, unable to interact. I'd rather keep my kid on the far left side of that.

Similarly, there are empathetic, social, successful kids who were not smacked all the way to some antisocial, angry, unsuccessful kids who were. I'd rather keep mine on the far left of that one too. Whether anyone wants to take the risk of those effects edging into their own kids is their decision, I guess.

But of course it is up to the parent. Trends in parenting change and whar was once wrong may well be right in the future and vice versa.

I am actually pretty much 100% confident. I don't question my abilities, my self worth or my physical self. When I embark on new things I believe I will succeed. I have never had a problem with anger. My parents always told me I could do anything and I believed them.

 

[pinklightbulb]

Think the remarks about delusion are going a bit far...

Anyway I wasn't referring to not smacking as lack of consistency and laziness either, just to be clear. With any form of discipline it will fail when not implemented correctly, smacking or non-smacking. Either way it will result in an ill-disciplined child who turns into an entitled so-and-so thinking the world owes them something because nothing was done about their behaviour in childhood to teach them otherwise.

 

[ShanandBoc]

Thanks u explained it better than me pinklightbulb. We are on the same page

 

[Gen79]

Think the remarks about delusion are going a bit far...

"It is suggested by Kohut that for an individual to talk about, explain, understand or judge oneself is linguistically impossible, since it requires the self to understand its self."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychology_of_self
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heinz_Kohut

You can agree with it or not but I didn't make it up myself.

 

[Eve]

I just think with all the violence and disrespect in the world already, why do we feel the need to continue the cycle? We teach our children to respect their bodies but then hit them? It just really doesnt make sense to me. There are so many more studies and muchmore information out there now on the effects of aggressive parenting I just cant understand why anyone would want to do that to their children anymore...