Is it right to smack a child?

[meli1981]

thank you youve made me feel soooo good about myself! this is a debate right?

I am not sure what way to take that? sarcasm? meaning you feel bad for hitting your child and a man hitting his partner or any one else hitting any one else is different or that you actually feel good about what you do to your child?

does your child not deserve the respect everyone else does? the same treatment as you treat your own mum, grandmother, father, sister, friend and neighbour? All these people are not acceptable to hit. The law dosnt state you cant hit children but if you hit an adult you can get taken to court for it. Of is it that your child cannot speak to defend their selves. What if they hit you back? is that ok? when smacking dosnt work as it dosnt by the way will you escalate your smack more? is there no other way you can think of to educated your child in whats right and wrong than to use violence? And please dont say a smack is not violence it is.

heres the quote
"or that you actually feel good about what you do to your child"

 

[Tasha]

Melli I missed that, but I dont read as she is saying you do enjoy it as a statement but rather is asking a question. Personally I wouldnt of written that though.

She didnt say you dont love your children hun, it is clear you do.

I also want to say I hope I didnt make you feel like a monster, I did quote you about the police stuff cos it did worry me that someone might be involved in that type of thing right now might be reading this and be worried about reaching out to the police for fear of being laughed at.

I also hope that although I have explained what I thought people were getting at, and my opinion on not hitting my other relatives so therefore not hitting my child, that you didnt see it as a personal attack at you and what you believe but rather a debate about the generals and sharing my beliefs.

 

[lovie]

it is crossing a line when you say i enjoy hitting my children. please do not say that again. if it needs to be said i dont spank my relatives because im not their mother, and are responsible for their safety and how they turn out as adults. my children are my FIRST priority and the fact that i have to sit here and justify how much i love them and that i woyld DIE for them, is just plain ridiculous. think before you type, as we all have different parenting styles and you dont see me saying that you dont love your children for one of thoses decisions, so why is it ok for you to do it to me? this is just wrong

I must of missed where Dragonfly saif you dont love your child? Or that you enjoy spanking them? It isnt fair to put words into her mouth if she hasnt actually typed those exact words. I cant even see an insinuation of you not loving your child or enjoying smacking/s[anking them.

Lovie I understand what you are saying but if we compare like for like, then would people smack/spank/swat their partner for walking out in a road? The answer is most likely no, you would drag them back if they were in danger, why not the same for a child?

my partner has never walked into the road but i would smack his hand if he went to pinch a chip of my plate or smack his leg if he was taking up the entire sofa and i had allready asked him to move (chips and the sofa are very important to me since being pregnant)

I know that there are other ways of teaching a child right from wrong, I dont think that smacking is the most damaging option of child controll, leaving them alone for a long time in their room is alot more damaging imo, or putting the kids infrount of the tv for hours a day so they dont misbehave.

here it is advised not to shout at your children and you are told to never leave a baby/child crying even for a second (goodness knows what your supposed to do if you are having a showe) i work with little kids and their behaviour is shocking! The lack of discipline leads to children being much more rough with each other, i really think the kids here cause each other much much more pain than the occasional smack on the bum or sitting crying on the naughty step for a couple of mins.

i personally think that a child with no boundries is a much more unhappy insecure child than a child with boundries and the occasional smacked bum. not that those are the only 2 options but my point is that im more worried about children whos parents dont care/bother to discipline them at all.

 

[meli1981]

Melli I missed that, but I dont read as she is saying you do enjoy it as a statement but rather is asking a question. Personally I wouldnt of written that though.

She didnt say you dont love your children hun, it is clear you do.

I also want to say I hope I didnt make you feel like a monster, I did quote you about the police stuff cos it did worry me that someone might be involved in that type of thing right now might be reading this and be worried about reaching out to the police for fear of being laughed at.

I also hope that although I have explained what I thought people were getting at, and my opinion on not hitting my other relatives so therefore not hitting my child, that you didnt see it as a personal attack at you and what you believe but rather a debate about the generals and sharing my beliefs.

i really appreciate this thank you i just really wanted to share my opinion without being backlashed, but i realize this is a very sensitive subject, its just hard when you are one of the only ones debating a particular side. i just dont see the need to get personal. thank you though (i will edit my earlier post as to avoid further offense)

 

[Dragonfly]

I never said no one didnt love their child. But I want to know why its ok to hit children when its not ok to hit adults. They should have rights not to be hit by any one. Nothing in the world can convince me its ever ok to hit a child. Not in dangerous situations. Thats even worse in a dangerous situation its still control by fear, parent using the upper hand that they are bigger and more in control. Tends to take the real lesson away. In danger I rather my child knew about the danger thats at hand, knowing that could save their life or from injury, not that they get a smack if they go near this area. Teach proper lessons, for your child's sake.

Just because it done you or your friends no harm , they or you are not your child. Different personality. You dont have to hit any one for compliance.

 

[lovie]

but its great that not smacking works for you, no one is going to say oh i think you should smack your children, thats your choice.

I know you didnt say people didnt love their kids I think it just causes upset when you say things like "does your child not deserve the respect everyone else does?" and "its not nice to hit people" then you are putting those negative things onto those people who do choose to smack their child. so the way i see that is my mum smacked me so that means in your opinion she didnt respect me and it wasnt a nice thing to do, well i can tell you that isnt true.

im interested in how you know smacking doesnt work? it may well not work sometimes, but there are at least a couple of people here giving you 1st hand experience saying it does work.

so much discipline is based on fear, the fear of being sent to your room or the fear of a toy being taken away or the fear of being shouted at. im not saying that discipline has to involve fear but if you are saying that fear in a child is wrong then that goes alot deeper than stopping smacking. from my experience a smack is a lot less frightening than being shouted at.

as i said before smacking has been banned here for at least 3 decades, it doesnt make for closer families or a more caring society, if anything sweden is less caring and the families here are less connected. That is part of the swedish culture in the first place but my point is that stopping smacking is not all of a sudden going to crate a generation of children that have no problems and respect each other and are kind to each other. I am extreamly close to my mum despite her choosing to smack me as a child, I consider her as a best friend as well as a mum, she will be at my birth and given the option id choose to spend an evening with her over most other things, I have the most amazing kind caring man who would never dream of hitting me, i dont feel like my life has been negatively effected by childhood smacking what so ever. I know it is only my experience but it's an example of when it was right to smack a child.

I feel strongly that what is damaging is judging others for decisions they make.

unfortunatly in this world there are a massive number of children living through very real trauma and experiencing extream fear every day of their lives, those are the children we should be worried about not well loved children who get a smack on the bum every once in a while.

 

[Tasha]

One example used though (not by any one in particular, I don't think but on a few occassions in genera, not even neccessarily this thread) is a child stepping out in a road, can I ask how that is done in a control thought out way? Cos I sort of imagine it is a panicked mum/dad smacking their child. Which to me panicked parent doesn't equate calm etc.

Also what does it teach the child? Like in that instance is it not better to work on road safety rather than smacking/spanking?

These are genuine questions, not digs or anything btw. I am just trying to understand what people think that a child learns from being smacked/spanked in the above situation!

This is different cos it was the MIL but she smacked my son for walking out in the road (cobbled speed hump that matched the pavement and he was three) and I genuinely don't understand what she thought she was teaching him.

 

[misspriss]

Well I don't know if I should even join in or not, but I was spanked as a child. Never in anger. Probably only 8-10 times that I can remember or less. We were sat down, explained what we did wrong and why it was wrong, and made sure that we understood before we were spanked. Then it was the threat of spanking other times, that was used a lot. Spanking hurt, but not terribly. I would have rather just been spanked - the sitting down and going over what we did in detail and having to sit through the explanation of why it was wrong and how it hurt others - that was the punishment.

We were very well behaved children. We never behaved like a lot of children I see nowadays. Ever. We wouldn't dream of acting out. DH was too, idk if he was ever spanked.

I hope my children are just naturally well behaved - like us (like that ever happens....) I plan to try other things before spanking, but if I do ever spank my child, I will be sure they understand the gravity of the situation and why I am doing it - never, ever out of anger.

 

[meli1981]

but its great that not smacking works for you, no one is going to say oh i think you should smack your children, thats your choice.

I know you didnt say people didnt love their kids I think it just causes upset when you say things like "does your child not deserve the respect everyone else does?" and "its not nice to hit people" then you are putting those negative things onto those people who do choose to smack their child. so the way i see that is my mum smacked me so that means in your opinion she didnt respect me and it wasnt a nice thing to do, well i can tell you that isnt true.

im interested in how you know smacking doesnt work? it may well not work sometimes, but there are at least a couple of people here giving you 1st hand experience saying it does work.

so much discipline is based on fear, the fear of being sent to your room or the fear of a toy being taken away or the fear of being shouted at. im not saying that discipline has to involve fear but if you are saying that fear in a child is wrong then that goes alot deeper than stopping smacking. from my experience a smack is a lot less frightening than being shouted at.

as i said before smacking has been banned here for at least 3 decades, it doesnt make for closer families or a more caring society, if anything sweden is less caring and the families here are less connected. That is part of the swedish culture in the first place but my point is that stopping smacking is not all of a sudden going to crate a generation of children that have no problems and respect each other and are kind to each other. I am extreamly close to my mum despite her choosing to smack me as a child, I consider her as a best friend as well as a mum, she will be at my birth and given the option id choose to spend an evening with her over most other things, I have the most amazing kind caring man who would never dream of hitting me, i dont feel like my life has been negatively effected by childhood smacking what so ever. I know it is only my experience but it's an example of when it was right to smack a child.

I feel strongly that what is damaging is judging others for decisions they make.

unfortunatly in this world there are a massive number of children living through very real trauma and experiencing extream fear every day of their lives, those are the children we should be worried about not well loved children who get a smack on the bum every once in a while.

you worded it better than i could have!

i do disagree though with anyone else spanking my child, i will do it as i am the mother

 

[JASMAK]

It just seems very barbaric to me....aren't we, as a society, supposed to be moving forward, and learning? I just don't think any amount of explaining could convince me that hurting a child purposefully, is ok.

 

[nosocks]

We teach our children over and over and over again- be nice, don't hit, don't push, don't kick, share etc so then isn't it a MASSIVE contradiction to then hit them?
We don't say only mummy or daddy can hit you!
We teach our children to be respectful and that violence is wrong. We teach our children bot to be cruel to animals..... Then we contradict ourselves again by hitting them?!!
I completey agree that there are lots of things that can make a child scared and unhappy- eg being left to cry for hours, not being fed - and these things happen, but we're not talking about those things- because they're worse doesn't mean smacking is ok.

I really wish someone would explain why 'being someones mum' is a valid reason smacking is ok. If i had a parent who had dementia and 'misbehaved' NO WAY would I think it's ok to smack them- surely thats the same thing?!
So your child runs into the road- why can't you just pull them away and then discipline them the same way as you would if they threw something at you? What exactly does the smack say that something else doesn't.

I think it's such an old fashioned punishment- used to prove authority and power. It's been quickly outlawed in schools- so why is it still allowed in homes.
And why the heck is it ok for you to do it but no-one else? THAT also makes no sense. Any way I use to discipline my child, I will want followed through by other people in her life. So if she hits and the consequence is she's made to sit for 2 mins away from the play- I would want any other adult to do the same With her because consistency is why behaviour management works.
Smacking is a technique riddled with holes and contradictions in my opinion.

 

[lovie]

the argument that children who hit are more likely to hit other people is a good one in theory but in reality the kids i teach here are much more violent than the kids i worked with in the uk and australia, i saw at least a couple of them smacked by their parents.

all im saying is that smacking wasnt bad for me, it wasnt damaging and for me there are alot more long term damaging things you could do to your kids (taking them to mc donalds, sitting them infrount of hours of tv, driving them everywhere) all things i respect my mum for not doing, no one makes perfect decisions in everyones mind but in the uk right now smacking is not illegal. it is not deamed harmful enough to be illegal but the way it is being discussed here is as if a parent who chooses to smack is making the decision to treat their child in a unrespectful unkind unnice way, when in actual fact most parents are trying to do their best for their children.

i dont agree with everything my mum did there are alot of things that i think were really really silly parenting decisions (she didnt vacinate us stupidly also she didnt wash our hair as she thought it cleaned itself) im not even saying its the method i would choose just that an adults perspective of smacking and the childs experience of smacking are very different and in my opinion a well loved secure child is not going to be damaged by the occasional smack.

the only time i have ever felt bad about being smacked was whilst talking to swedish people who treat it like you have said you have been abused, then i felt bad that other people would judge my mums actions as anything other than what she thought was for my best interest.

 

[Dragonfly]

but its great that not smacking works for you, no one is going to say oh i think you should smack your children, thats your choice.

I know you didnt say people didnt love their kids I think it just causes upset when you say things like "does your child not deserve the respect everyone else does?" and "its not nice to hit people" then you are putting those negative things onto those people who do choose to smack their child. so the way i see that is my mum smacked me so that means in your opinion she didnt respect me and it wasnt a nice thing to do, well i can tell you that isnt true.

im interested in how you know smacking doesnt work? it may well not work sometimes, but there are at least a couple of people here giving you 1st hand experience saying it does work.

so much discipline is based on fear, the fear of being sent to your room or the fear of a toy being taken away or the fear of being shouted at. im not saying that discipline has to involve fear but if you are saying that fear in a child is wrong then that goes alot deeper than stopping smacking. from my experience a smack is a lot less frightening than being shouted at.

as i said before smacking has been banned here for at least 3 decades, it doesnt make for closer families or a more caring society, if anything sweden is less caring and the families here are less connected. That is part of the swedish culture in the first place but my point is that stopping smacking is not all of a sudden going to crate a generation of children that have no problems and respect each other and are kind to each other. I am extreamly close to my mum despite her choosing to smack me as a child, I consider her as a best friend as well as a mum, she will be at my birth and given the option id choose to spend an evening with her over most other things, I have the most amazing kind caring man who would never dream of hitting me, i dont feel like my life has been negatively effected by childhood smacking what so ever. I know it is only my experience but it's an example of when it was right to smack a child.

I feel strongly that what is damaging is judging others for decisions they make.

unfortunatly in this world there are a massive number of children living through very real trauma and experiencing extream fear every day of their lives, those are the children we should be worried about not well loved children who get a smack on the bum every once in a while.

Spanking is negative I dont need to draw any negativity towards it.

Heres some studies.
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/claire-mccarthy-md/spanking_b_1608747.html

https://pubpages.unh.edu/~mas2/cp.htm a study on the effects of spanking.

as for saying not spanking works for me , I never would hit my children or any one I was broght up not being hit, I didnt need to be hit to keep in line.

Well I don't know if I should even join in or not, but I was spanked as a child. Never in anger. Probably only 8-10 times that I can remember or less. We were sat down, explained what we did wrong and why it was wrong, and made sure that we understood before we were spanked. Then it was the threat of spanking other times, that was used a lot. Spanking hurt, but not terribly. I would have rather just been spanked - the sitting down and going over what we did in detail and having to sit through the explanation of why it was wrong and how it hurt others - that was the punishment.

We were very well behaved children. We never behaved like a lot of children I see nowadays. Ever. We wouldn't dream of acting out. DH was too, idk if he was ever spanked.

I hope my children are just naturally well behaved - like us (like that ever happens....) I plan to try other things before spanking, but if I do ever spank my child, I will be sure they understand the gravity of the situation and why I am doing it - never, ever out of anger.

If you where so naturally well behaved why did you need spanked? spanking not in anger is actually scary, weird I would add. Its premeditated not even an excuse of anger.

so what would a spanker do if your child hit someone elses child?

 

[fidgets mammy]

i dont understand why parents would sit their children down and explain what they have done wrong etc and then still smack them.

i am imagining doing this with my son, i think thats cruel. isnt the explaining enough.

 

[lovie]

there is reasearch both ways, these are some pro smacking reasearch

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/...ore-successful-later-in-life-study-finds.html

https://www.uakron.edu/dotAsset/1820605.pdf

sweden is a really interesting country when looking at the long term effects of anti smacking laws, in the early 90's when the first generation of non smacked children were teanagers violent crimes rose by 6 times in comparison to the early 80's data, this from children whos parents never ever smacked them.

there is no way im saying that people should smack their children just that it isnt really anyone elses business if a parent chooses to lightly smack thier child. in the same way as I would never want my child to be around people who smoked or go to a pub beacuse there is no need for them to see that type of behaviour in my opinion, it doesnt mean that I think parents are wrong if they decide they will do those things with their children. each to their own.

 

[Dragonfly]

Parents who hit their children to discipline them could be increasing their risk of mental illness in adulthood, according to a new Canadian study.

Researchers from the University of Manitoba studied data collected from more than 34,600 American adults who were surveyed in 2004 and 2005.

Participants were asked: "As a child, how often were you ever pushed, grabbed, shoved, slapped or hit by your parents or any adult living in your house?"

About 6 percent of respondents said they had been physically punished sometimes, fairly often or very often as a child but weren't abused in other ways.

The researchers found those people were 59 percent more likely to have alcohol problems, 41 percent more likely to have depression and 24 percent more likely to have a panic disorder than those who weren't punished physically.

The researchers said 2 to 7 percent of adult mental disorders occur as a result of physical punishment during childhood.

But the researchers said there were limitations to their study, because it required adults to recall memories of their childhood, and those memories may not be entirely correct.

The study did not include people who were maltreated as children and suffered such things as physical and sexual abuse or emotional neglect.

Clinical psychologist Sally-Anne McCormack from Parentsonline.com.au told ninemsn she's not surprised to hear this study confirms smacking regularly can cause psychological damage.

"Smacking as a strategy is going to cause various mental health issues for a child because that's all that they ever see," she said.

"If someone is regularly smacked or hit, it's seen as a punishment so a child will have a reduced self-esteem and self-concept, which does put them at risk of mental health issues like depression and anxiety."

Instead, she recommends more placid approaches to correcting misbehaviour. "There's a million different strategies to use instead of smacking — distraction, veering them in a different direction and spending time with them all work," McCormack said.

"One of the mistakes parents make is to tell them what not to do rather than tell them what to do. So instruct them and give them ideas of what they can do instead [of being naughty]."

 

[omfgski]

I .

 

[meli1981]

Parents who hit their children to discipline them could be increasing their risk of mental illness in adulthood, according to a new Canadian study.

Researchers from the University of Manitoba studied data collected from more than 34,600 American adults who were surveyed in 2004 and 2005.

Participants were asked: "As a child, how often were you ever pushed, grabbed, shoved, slapped or hit by your parents or any adult living in your house?"

About 6 percent of respondents said they had been physically punished sometimes, fairly often or very often as a child but weren't abused in other ways.

The researchers found those people were 59 percent more likely to have alcohol problems, 41 percent more likely to have depression and 24 percent more likely to have a panic disorder than those who weren't punished physically.

The researchers said 2 to 7 percent of adult mental disorders occur as a result of physical punishment during childhood.

But the researchers said there were limitations to their study, because it required adults to recall memories of their childhood, and those memories may not be entirely correct.

The study did not include people who were maltreated as children and suffered such things as physical and sexual abuse or emotional neglect.

Clinical psychologist Sally-Anne McCormack from Parentsonline.com.au told ninemsn she's not surprised to hear this study confirms smacking regularly can cause psychological damage.

"Smacking as a strategy is going to cause various mental health issues for a child because that's all that they ever see," she said.

"If someone is regularly smacked or hit, it's seen as a punishment so a child will have a reduced self-esteem and self-concept, which does put them at risk of mental health issues like depression and anxiety."

Instead, she recommends more placid approaches to correcting misbehaviour. "There's a million different strategies to use instead of smacking — distraction, veering them in a different direction and spending time with them all work," McCormack said.

"One of the mistakes parents make is to tell them what not to do rather than tell them what to do. So instruct them and give them ideas of what they can do instead [of being naughty]."

im sorry but this is extremely condisending to me. and as a person who suffers from depression and anxiety its often hereditary, more so than by being spanked once in a while.

 

[omfgski]

.

 

[Tasha]

Yeah, I dont agree with spanking/smacking as I have made clear previously but I am 100% sure I could find as many articles to give good reasons to spank/smack as those that say it is bad for the child. People constantly manipulate statistics and the outcome of research to 'prove' what they want.