Is it right to smack a child?

[lovie]

its fair enough to consider it abuse but as an "abused" child me and my siblings and cousins have turned out extreamly well with no lasting dammage from the "abuse" we have a very happy family which i am supprised that not everyone has, it makes me sad when i read on here so many families where the grown up kids dont like their parents. non of us are violent, non of us have any emotional/psycological problems.

Yes a child might get smacked by a friend/sibling and the isn't right but a child might also have a toy taken away by a friend/sibling, parents are allowed to take toys away... even tho children are told to share and not to snatch.

as for research there will be pro/anti research on any issue. If it was true that spanking caused emotional problems in adult life then the dropping rates of smacking would mean a drop in the rates of emotional/psychological problems in children/young people and every couple of weeks there is a new study saying children are more stressed and unhappy than ever before, especially in the UK.

Maybe it would be more usefull for the parents who don't smack to share their dicipline methods rather than just repeating that in their opinion smacking is wrong.

 

[meli1981]

i agree with them sharing their discipline methods, but i do have to say ive tried them all, as spanking for me was a last resort. although i stand by my point that spanking isnt abuse (which i think is what you were getting at!)

 

[nosocks]

So where is the line that divides a 'smack' between something that could be classed as violence? Is it dependent on how much pain is caused? The Mark that is left? The amount of crying the child does? How hard to did it?
My 15 month understands no and with consistency and repetition she has learnt lots of good expected behaviours- I didn't need to to lay a finger on her for her to know not to hit me, or touch the cooker, or throw her milk on the floor. She even knows to put her hand over her mouth when she coughs (mostly!)

And just because we as adults can sit and say a smack never harmed us- well my parents separated and i remember it as awful but I'm not scarred now- doesn't mean it's nice to put children through it if we don't have to.

I wonder how many parents have asked their children exactly how it makes them feel when they are smacked. Maybe they'd be too scared to say?

 

[lovie]

for me id say a smack that left a mark was going to far, we were never marked when smacked.

I dont think seperation causes problems in kids either, the reality of life is that relationships break down sometimes but that doesnt stop those people loving you as a child uncoditionally. I too feel like my parents break up didnt have negative effects on me. If I was unhappy with my OH I wouldnt stay with them for the sake of the kids.

 

[JASMAK]

ohhhhhh! so thats why youre so good at debates! no fair!

I actually feel that I am quite terrible at them, as I get emotionally attached to my arguement, because usually I only debate what I am passionate about.

 

[nosocks]

So because there's no mark it's ok? But doesn't it still hurt?
Oh I just hate hate the thought of a child hurting because of something an adult did. we're meant protect them and make the pains of life go away, not inflict them. When my LO falls over, I kiss her knee better.

My point about separation was that it left no marks or scars but it was horrible, painful and scary back then and surely those emotions matter! It's as if people say- it hasn't affected me as an adult so it's ok- but we're big and can deal with fear and anger..... Those things are scary to children and why is it ok to have them feel that way? They don't understand smacks are given out of love and protection (supposedly).
It is just so confusing to say I can smack you but your sister, teacher, friend can't- oh and by the way- you can never smack me? It doesn't make sense to me, let alone a child!
Aren't we told to treat people the way we would like to be treated.

 

[lovie]

it did hurt but not afterwards, just for a second whilst i was smacked.

I think that parents do smack their child out of love, at least my mother did because she certainly didn't do it out of hate or indifference. If you dont love a child when they do something dangerous you could just ignore it. just because you wouldnt smack your child doesnt mean that the people who do feel the same as you about it.

for me whilst my parents split up I knew and was shown every day that my parents loved me so it actually wasnt a scary time. The same with smacking, I didnt want to be smacked but id prefere to be smacked than kept in the house not allowed to play out, i knew my mum loved me and i trusted her, she didnt smack us as babies/toddlers and it was explained to us why we were smacked and we were warned before we got smacked (surely if smacking is abuse grounding a kid is like falsely imprisoning them)

we had a rule in our house which was we would never go to bed angry or upset with each other and we would never keep a punishment going over to the next day. I think it made me a very easy to forgive and find it easy to move on from things.

 

[omfgski]

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[lovie]

I think the problem is that my mum thought it was important for me to be out with my friends, also i would just argue and everyone in the house would have a not very nice time! my mums idea that a punishment shouldnt be dragged out over days would have ment grounding wasnt an option.

I think the smacking did work, the thing that made me much better behaved was actually taking me out of state school (in my opinion the rout of all eveil... but thats another debate!) I was sent to a much nicer school with a much more child centered teaching method and from then on i was very very well behaved even as a teanager i was no trouble at all... so for me sending my child to a state school at 4 years old would be alot closer to abuse that a smack on the bum, so many children say they hate school but we still send them ever day for mor ethan a decade

 

[omfgski]

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[meli1981]

So because there's no mark it's ok? But doesn't it still hurt?
Oh I just hate hate the thought of a child hurting because of something an adult did. we're meant protect them and make the pains of life go away, not inflict them. When my LO falls over, I kiss her knee better.

My point about separation was that it left no marks or scars but it was horrible, painful and scary back then and surely those emotions matter! It's as if people say- it hasn't affected me as an adult so it's ok- but we're big and can deal with fear and anger..... Those things are scary to children and why is it ok to have them feel that way? They don't understand smacks are given out of love and protection (supposedly).
It is just so confusing to say I can smack you but your sister, teacher, friend can't- oh and by the way- you can never smack me? It doesn't make sense to me, let alone a child!
Aren't we told to treat people the way we would like to be treated.

we are their parents we are meant to guide them and teach them right from wrong, and that there are consequences to certain behaviors. yes we are meant to protect from things, but we are not super beings and there are things in life that are oainful that we cant protect them from, sadly. a death, i had a miscarriage when my daughter was little and i was a mess. i coyldnt protect her from how sad i was, she saw it, thats life. they do eventually have to learn to cope with what life throws at them.
as for the marking thing, it was done on the butt and there was never a mark. there would be a spank and alone time in her room, and then i would come in and we would talk it out. and believe me my daughter tells me if somethings bothering her, infact sometimes she cant stop talking!
also im impressed your lo listens to you, i have a 16 month old and she doesnt listen at all! but like i said i dont spank her and she is unaware of her actions, and discipline. shes pretty well behaved anyway, so there might not even be a need

 

[meli1981]

ohhhhhh! so thats why youre so good at debates! no fair!

I actually feel that I am quite terrible at them, as I get emotionally attached to my arguement, because usually I only debate what I am passionate about.

im the same, especially when it comes to my kids. i do get defensive, but its because i love them so much and dont want people to misinterpret my words

 

[JASMAK]

it did hurt but not afterwards, just for a second whilst i was smacked.

I think that parents do smack their child out of love, at least my mother did because she certainly didn't do it out of hate or indifference. If you dont love a child when they do something dangerous you could just ignore it. just because you wouldnt smack your child doesnt mean that the people who do feel the same as you about it.

for me whilst my parents split up I knew and was shown every day that my parents loved me so it actually wasnt a scary time. The same with smacking, I didnt want to be smacked but id prefere to be smacked than kept in the house not allowed to play out, i knew my mum loved me and i trusted her, she didnt smack us as babies/toddlers and it was explained to us why we were smacked and we were warned before we got smacked (surely if smacking is abuse grounding a kid is like falsely imprisoning them)

we had a rule in our house which was we would never go to bed angry or upset with each other and we would never keep a punishment going over to the next day. I think it made me a very easy to forgive and find it easy to move on from things.

That's interesting that you say you'd prefer to be smacked than kept in the house not allowed to play out. You could suggest that keeping you in the house (or grounding you) would therefore be a much more effective and meaningful form of discipline than a smack since it bothers you more and could maybe make you consider your behaviour more and at the same time would have removed the need for a physical form of discipline.

I agree!!! It's interesting that you said that, because right there, you just confirmed to me, that smacking is one of those consequences that parents do not have to think about. Whack whack and it's done. But what the heck did the kid learn??? And..yes...it is easy for the kid too!!! They get their painful punishment...and then what? Nothing...off they go again.

 

[JASMAK]

ohhhhhh! so thats why youre so good at debates! no fair!

I actually feel that I am quite terrible at them, as I get emotionally attached to my arguement, because usually I only debate what I am passionate about.

im the same, especially when it comes to my kids. i do get defensive, but its because i love them so much and dont want people to misinterpret my words

I just think that our opinions are so far apart, that we just can't literally undestand each other's reasons, which is fine!

 

[lovie]

I think the problem is that my mum thought it was important for me to be out with my friends, also i would just argue and everyone in the house would have a not very nice time! my mums idea that a punishment shouldnt be dragged out over days would have ment grounding wasnt an option.

I think the smacking did work, the thing that made me much better behaved was actually taking me out of state school (in my opinion the rout of all eveil... but thats another debate!) I was sent to a much nicer school with a much more child centered teaching method and from then on i was very very well behaved even as a teanager i was no trouble at all... so for me sending my child to a state school at 4 years old would be alot closer to abuse that a smack on the bum, so many children say they hate school but we still send them ever day for mor ethan a decade

I like your mums style with not dragging it out! I see what you mean about grounding in that sense

I agree with you big time on the school thing I must say! I am terrified of my LO reaching school age My family are big on school and nursery etc with my mum running a school-based nursery. I think after seeing it from the inside myself as a student teacher , I'll do everything I can to find an alternative Sorry for off topic lol.

I'd recomend montissori as a lovely alternative, or steiner schools, I went to a steiner school and I loved it was so happy there! I teach in some montissori schools and the kids all seem to enjoy school and are very confident and love learning

I'm already researching which schools to put my baby down for as you need to do it in the first weeks after they are born if you want your first choice here.. I hope I make the right choice for them!

 

[Tasha]

we are their parents we are meant to guide them and teach them right from wrong, and that there are consequences to certain behaviors. yes we are meant to protect from things, but we are not super beings and there are things in life that are oainful that we cant protect them from, sadly. a death, i had a miscarriage when my daughter was little and i was a mess. i coyldnt protect her from how sad i was, she saw it, thats life. they do eventually have to learn to cope with what life throws at them.
as for the marking thing, it was done on the butt and there was never a mark. there would be a spank and alone time in her room, and then i would come in and we would talk it out. and believe me my daughter tells me if somethings bothering her, infact sometimes she cant stop talking!
also im impressed your lo listens to you, i have a 16 month old and she doesnt listen at all! but like i said i dont spank her and she is unaware of her actions, and discipline. shes pretty well behaved anyway, so there might not even be a need

You are right we cant protect them from all things, but I dont understand the comparisson between spanking/smacking, which is a parental choice and a death, be that miscarriage, stillbirth or older person dying, which you can not chose nor stop.

 

[JASMAK]

we are their parents we are meant to guide them and teach them right from wrong, and that there are consequences to certain behaviors. yes we are meant to protect from things, but we are not super beings and there are things in life that are oainful that we cant protect them from, sadly. a death, i had a miscarriage when my daughter was little and i was a mess. i coyldnt protect her from how sad i was, she saw it, thats life. they do eventually have to learn to cope with what life throws at them.
as for the marking thing, it was done on the butt and there was never a mark. there would be a spank and alone time in her room, and then i would come in and we would talk it out. and believe me my daughter tells me if somethings bothering her, infact sometimes she cant stop talking!
also im impressed your lo listens to you, i have a 16 month old and she doesnt listen at all! but like i said i dont spank her and she is unaware of her actions, and discipline. shes pretty well behaved anyway, so there might not even be a need

You are right we cant protect them from all things, but I dont understand the comparisson between spanking/smacking, which is a parental choice and a death, be that miscarriage, stillbirth or older person dying, which you can not chose nor stop.

agreed...not comparable, in my mind.

 

[lovie]

I agree!!! It's interesting that you said that, because right there, you just confirmed to me, that smacking is one of those consequences that parents do not have to think about. Whack whack and it's done. But what the heck did the kid learn??? And..yes...it is easy for the kid too!!! They get their painful punishment...and then what? Nothing...off they go again.

I have spoken to my mum and trust me she thought very much about all her parenting decisions, i wont think as much as she does because it really imo is too much thinking! She felt like a young child reacts better to a direct one off punishment like a smack rather than a ban on going out or taking away a toy/treat. are your children allways well behaved because your punishment isnt easy or is longer lasting?

 

[meli1981]

i was responding to a pp, not comparing the two

 

[JASMAK]

I can say that my children are very well behaved and our punishments suit the 'crime'. If my kids act up in a restaurant, I go and sit them in the car for 5 minutes (haevn't had to do that in years). If they back talk me, they get a time out and have to apologize. If they are rude at the dinner table, they are done their dinner. Honestly, I don't even have to really punish my kids much because they are very honest with me. My son came to me two years ago, upset that he had written 'poop' in a permanent marker on his desk at school. I thanked him for being honest, and together we went to the school the next day, and he had to tell his teacher (which was very hard and he was crying). He had to try and clean it off (it wouldn't come off) and the teacher said that he was proud of him for being honest. My daughter does have a developmental dissability, so she 'misbehaves' more (part of her autism) but again, we remind her what is expected and if need be, she will have to leave what she is doing and have a sit down (usually calms her) and then we go over the rules again, and what is expected. If I spanked my kids (which would make me physically ill raising my hand to another human, never mind my own child) would they have the respect for me that they do? Would they come to me when they made a poor choice, like Jasper did, looking for guidance on the issue? Would they have the self-confidence that they do, for making decisions, and knowing what the natural consequences in life are? When they are older...no one is going to (hopefully) spank them on the butt...but, my son will know how to approach his boss and admit a mistake. My daughter will know that if she is finding her behaviour spiraling, that she needs to go and have a break and rethink what she needs to do. I am giving my children life-long tools to use that are applicable.