Is it right to smack a child?

[lovie]

thats great that they are so good!

your poor son feeling he had to write poop on a school desk, it must have been an awfull night of worry for him waiting to go into school and talk about it, reading about him crying to his teacher really made me feel for him poor little thing, but then i see it from the perspective of the kind of child i was and i was very sensertive to having to wait to deal with issues, a night feels like a month to a worried child.

both me and my brother and sister were never naughty with other people, at school and with grandparents or baby sitters we were allways good as gold, I'm not sure if that was because we were smacked (not by other people only mum) or just that we were naturally respectfull of those situations.

id say holding food from a child is worse than smacking personally, as in "they are done if they are rude at the dinner table", thats just my personal feeling and i can imagine being kept from being with the family and eating would be more upsetting for me, but then that is just me and you know your kids better than everyone, they must be less effected by that sort of thing than i was as a child.

I think you probably just think everything that happens to you is normal so for me a smack would have not been traumatic but being sent away from the family or especially not allowed to finnish my dinner would have made me worried/afraid and panicked.

I'm not saying you are wrong it obviously works for you but i'd never choose to discipline my children as you do, or children that I look after.

 

[JASMAK]

I don't hold food from my children. I have never had to send them away from the table, but they know that is what WOULD happen, if they did, which they don't. No, he didn't cry all night. Just when he told his teacher, but yes, I am sure it was difficult, but I am proud of him for taking responsibility for his actions. I am proud of my kids, and tehy are happy, well-adjusted children. I am sorry you think it's so horrible for them, but perhaps that is because you don't know anything different.

 

[lovie]

I didnt say it was horrible, i think they sounds well behaved which is a good thing! I have said I think everyone who has shared experiences here is doing the best for thier children, includidng those who have chosen to smack their kids or those who were smacked. just because i wouldnt choose your methods doesn't mean I think badly of you or that I feel like your kids are not happy.

I just ment i really felt for him, not that it was the wrong thing to do, just what a sad situation for him to be in.

even the fear of food being withheld for me would be wrong(for me). but im not saying its wrong for you to do that, just that i wouldn't choose to do that... in the same way that you dont think its ok to scare children by smacking i dont think its ok that they think if they dont behave they wont be allowed to eat with the family. its still using fear to controll them, just different fear.

 

[JASMAK]

I really don't see how physical abuse can be compared to 'normal' parenting, but I am sure it makes sense to you and that's all that matters. I don't think any amount of explaining will help me see your side. We will just have to agree to disagree. As far as my son being upset, life can be upsetting, for sure. But the reason why he was upset was because he had done something wrong, and knew it, not because he feared being hurt or abused. There is a big difference, IMO. I am sorry you can't see that. Makes me feel sad that you can't see the simplicity in it. Hugs x

 

[meli1981]

i myself find it odd that people cant see the difference between a spank or smack than a full on beating. there is a line whether you choose to see it or not. everything in life isnt black or white sometimes theres greys. i also wouldnt with hold supper, but maybe because my daughters so thin and barely eats as it is!

 

[Tasha]

I think our lines are just different, to some people smacking/spanking is not violence or abuse, but for others laying one hand one time, isn't the same as constnat physical abuse, but it crosses that line. To have different opinions on that is okay, its why we all make different parenting choices x

 

[lovie]

I agree people are not going to agree on everything! it's great that we have opinions.

hugs back to you ladies

 

[Dragonfly]

i myself find it odd that people cant see the difference between a spank or smack than a full on beating. there is a line whether you choose to see it or not. everything in life isnt black or white sometimes theres greys. i also wouldnt with hold supper, but maybe because my daughters so thin and barely eats as it is!

You have just discribed on your own words the scale there. Black to white with different shades of grey. Spank to beating.....all on the same scale on different ends.

I have never had to punish my children, yet they get told how good they are when we are out and about. Its not luck either it was my intentions. Even if I did punishments nothing they done in the past warrented it. And they learn very well dangers to,very quick smart boys. I wasnt spanked as a child so I didnt do it to my children. I can imagine my mums face if I ever said I smacked them. She actually would be disgusted and we dont even get along.

 

[lovie]

What an amazing way to create a safe/happy enviroment for your kids thanks for sharing that

She actually would be disgusted and we dont even get along.

maybe being judgemental is more damaging than a smack on the bum? my mum would never be disgusted by something I did, she might try to give me advice but never tell me i should or shouldnt do something in regards to my adult life. I think its sadly ironic that your mother who never smacked you and you dont get along but my "abusive" mother and me are great friends.

 

[Dragonfly]

In no way will I say that my mum was perfect I do not parent the same way as her at all. She was conditional. I think everything I do would disgusts her anyway. But we do agree on spanking, you just didnt do it in our house . My mum would be embarrassed if I hit someone as it would have made her look bad. Not that I ever wanted to hit any one. Or misbehave. She done a lot of the shame stuff to make sure we didnt act out. Which I dont agree with at all or do. My mum was more on the mental side, she wasnt very nice with her words and other actions. I did rebel as a teen against her and we still go against each other.

 

[nosocks]

I stI'll haven't heard a valid reason why 'mums' are allowed to smack but the rest of the world isn't? Telling children not to smack etc and then doing it ourselves is a weird way of teaching a child right from wrong.
If your child asks 'why are you allowed to hit me when I do something wrong- but if you upset me I'm not allowed to hit you'..... What would the answer be?
Where is the respect?
Why don you hit your husband if he does something wrong?
Its all very well saying- it never did me any harm- but we need to remember how it makes the child feel? In pain for 1!

And as for it being ok if no mark is left! Think that's the most ridiculous thing..... It still hurts! Why would you want to ever ever cause physical pain? Do you agree with hitting animals? And yes we can't protect our children from all the horrible things- like death, divorce, illness- but you would if you could I'm sure! You can protect you kids from physical harm....... So why cause it!

 

[Dragonfly]

I stI'll haven't heard a valid reason why 'mums' are allowed to smack but the rest of the world isn't? Telling children not to smack etc and then doing it ourselves is a weird way of teaching a child right from wrong.
If your child asks 'why are you allowed to hit me when I do something wrong- but if you upset me I'm not allowed to hit you'..... What would the answer be?
Where is the respect?
Why don you hit your husband if he does something wrong?
Its all very well saying- it never did me any harm- but we need to remember how it makes the child feel? In pain for 1!

And as for it being ok if no mark is left! Think that's the most ridiculous thing..... It still hurts! Why would you want to ever ever cause physical pain? Do you agree with hitting animals? And yes we can't protect our children from all the horrible things- like death, divorce, illness- but you would if you could I'm sure! You can protect you kids from physical harm....... So why cause it!

I dont think I will ever understand it either. Also to teach a child to respect their body while you hit them? teach them to respect everyones elses body..while they get hit? why no one else can hit them but the one they love ..their mum. So is that love? is it ok for someone you love to hit you? thats why I asked if they hit someone elses child what would happen to them. Would they be told hitting others was wrong but its ok for mum to hit them. That sucks. Way to make a child feel like a victim all the time. This creates anger, the child would feel it was unfair treatment. Their partner may hit them when they get older to. And this is all MAYBE you wont know till they are older. Why take this chance? why use your size to gain compliance? many have managed it without creating a negative environment. Many grown ups now do suffer from being spanked as a child. Even the ones that "just got a slap" not abused children. I see many of them looking help. Some continue the cycle and hit their kids, some go the wrong paths to and know no other way than to use violence to get what they want. Its a wrong way to go down...what starts as a tap, slap on the bum can escalate for that child more and more. And when a tap, slap, smack isnt enough as they will rebel. Smacking does effect children mentally to. Feelings of shame. *by the way my partner hit me when he grinder me down made me feel useless like I was not worth anything and I felt shame to be alive, thats one of the ways my mum taught me even if she didnt hit me shaming. Never base how you turned out on your kids, they are different people. Mine wont turn out like me. I am learning with them.

 

[JASMAK]

It was kind of strange at my house...my dad spanked my brother but not us girls (my twin sister and I). My mom spanked no one. She did not agree with it, at all. I remember one day my brother went ape-shit on my dad. Beat the snot out of him. I didn't feel sorry for my dad at all. He deserved it. He never 'beat' my brother, but he got a smack when he misbehaved (or threatened with one). When he beat the shit out of my dad, we all watched. I was horrified, but felt it was well-deserved. Just can't help but think...will those kids that get spanked turn on their parents one day? Maybe. There was nothing that provoked my brother...he just basicaly said, no more...the way he was taught to. Except my brother had and HAS no respect for my parents...and when I mean beat the shit...I mean broke my dad's nose and blood coming out of my dad's mouth (internal damage). I mean, it is f*cked up. This was YEARS ago....my brother was a teen. My brother is now almost 40. My dad is gone.

 

[meli1981]

that is very extreme, and makes me wonder if something else was going on. i am 100 percent sure my girls would NEVER do anything like that to me. we are a very close family, and that hasent changed, not with a spank here or there

 

[lovie]

many have managed it without creating a negative environment. Many grown ups now do suffer from being spanked as a child. Even the ones that "just got a slap" not abused children. I see many of them looking help. Some continue the cycle and hit their kids, some go the wrong paths to and know no other way than to use violence to get what they want. Its a wrong way to go down...what starts as a tap, slap on the bum can escalate for that child more and more. And when a tap, slap, smack isnt enough as they will rebel. Smacking does effect children mentally to. Feelings of shame. *by the way my partner hit me when he grinder me down made me feel useless like I was not worth anything and I felt shame to be alive, thats one of the ways my mum taught me even if she didnt hit me shaming. Never base how you turned out on your kids, they are different people. Mine wont turn out like me. I am learning with them.

there are clearly many ways of creating a negative enviroment many people use negative consequences as discipline be that smacking, grounding, loosing toys or so on. Smacking is not the only way to be negative and from your own sad story with your mum it shows that emotional/mental abuse can be just as damaging if not more so than a quick smack a few times in a childhood.

I never felt shame that I was smacked, I felt shame for the naughty action that I had done that had earned me a smack but i never felt shame about my existance, my mum used to say to us every time we were naughty "I like you, i love you very much but I do not like the behaviour (XY or Z)" I dont think it is ok for you to say how a child feels when they are smacked as you have no experience of it what so ever, I can't say all children feel like I did, but I can say how I felt which is a first hand experience.

The thing with following on from how you were brought up i think you are representing very well because some of the things you have said could make people who choose to smack fee "Shame" no one has said that you are wrong for choosing to not smack but you have said that you think people who smack are in the wrong.. not just that smacking is wrong for you/your children but you also make that judgement on other people.

It was kind of strange at my house...my dad spanked my brother but not us girls (my twin sister and I). My mom spanked no one. She did not agree with it, at all. I remember one day my brother went ape-shit on my dad. Beat the snot out of him. I didn't feel sorry for my dad at all. He deserved it. He never 'beat' my brother, but he got a smack when he misbehaved (or threatened with one). When he beat the shit out of my dad, we all watched. I was horrified, but felt it was well-deserved. Just can't help but think...will those kids that get spanked turn on their parents one day? Maybe. There was nothing that provoked my brother...he just basicaly said, no more...the way he was taught to. Except my brother had and HAS no respect for my parents...and when I mean beat the shit...I mean broke my dad's nose and blood coming out of my dad's mouth (internal damage). I mean, it is f*cked up. This was YEARS ago....my brother was a teen. My brother is now almost 40. My dad is gone.

goodness me your brother must have felt so singled out being the only one smacked

I stI'll haven't heard a valid reason why 'mums' are allowed to smack but the rest of the world isn't? Telling children not to smack etc and then doing it ourselves is a weird way of teaching a child right from wrong.
If your child asks 'why are you allowed to hit me when I do something wrong- but if you upset me I'm not allowed to hit you'..... What would the answer be?
Where is the respect?
Why don you hit your husband if he does something wrong?
Its all very well saying- it never did me any harm- but we need to remember how it makes the child feel? In pain for 1!

I can see the logic behind it, but i just dont think it is damaging to smack a child as part of well thought out discipline method. That is based on my experience and in no way would i recomend smacking and as i have said i wont smack my own children (even when on holiday in the uk) but i still think smacking can and does work and in my experience doesnt create kids that hate their parents or become abused adults or abusers.

there is reasearch supporting both smacking and not smacking, there are positive and negative stories on both sides, and positive and negative experiences from people who never smacked them. I'm sure smacking can have an effect negative or positive depending on everything else in a childs life.

 

[Dragonfly]

quotes to big so for Lovie.
You are right there are many negative ways apart from spanking to punish a child, like time outs and taking things away. All of which I do not do either.

 

[JASMAK]

that is very extreme, and makes me wonder if something else was going on. i am 100 percent sure my girls would NEVER do anything like that to me. we are a very close family, and that hasent changed, not with a spank here or there

Nope, not as far as discipline. It ruined him, I believe.

 

[JASMAK]

many have managed it without creating a negative environment. Many grown ups now do suffer from being spanked as a child. Even the ones that "just got a slap" not abused children. I see many of them looking help. Some continue the cycle and hit their kids, some go the wrong paths to and know no other way than to use violence to get what they want. Its a wrong way to go down...what starts as a tap, slap on the bum can escalate for that child more and more. And when a tap, slap, smack isnt enough as they will rebel. Smacking does effect children mentally to. Feelings of shame. *by the way my partner hit me when he grinder me down made me feel useless like I was not worth anything and I felt shame to be alive, thats one of the ways my mum taught me even if she didnt hit me shaming. Never base how you turned out on your kids, they are different people. Mine wont turn out like me. I am learning with them.

there are clearly many ways of creating a negative enviroment many people use negative consequences as discipline be that smacking, grounding, loosing toys or so on. Smacking is not the only way to be negative and from your own sad story with your mum it shows that emotional/mental abuse can be just as damaging if not more so than a quick smack a few times in a childhood.

I never felt shame that I was smacked, I felt shame for the naughty action that I had done that had earned me a smack but i never felt shame about my existance, my mum used to say to us every time we were naughty "I like you, i love you very much but I do not like the behaviour (XY or Z)" I dont think it is ok for you to say how a child feels when they are smacked as you have no experience of it what so ever, I can't say all children feel like I did, but I can say how I felt which is a first hand experience.

The thing with following on from how you were brought up i think you are representing very well because some of the things you have said could make people who choose to smack fee "Shame" no one has said that you are wrong for choosing to not smack but you have said that you think people who smack are in the wrong.. not just that smacking is wrong for you/your children but you also make that judgement on other people.

It was kind of strange at my house...my dad spanked my brother but not us girls (my twin sister and I). My mom spanked no one. She did not agree with it, at all. I remember one day my brother went ape-shit on my dad. Beat the snot out of him. I didn't feel sorry for my dad at all. He deserved it. He never 'beat' my brother, but he got a smack when he misbehaved (or threatened with one). When he beat the shit out of my dad, we all watched. I was horrified, but felt it was well-deserved. Just can't help but think...will those kids that get spanked turn on their parents one day? Maybe. There was nothing that provoked my brother...he just basicaly said, no more...the way he was taught to. Except my brother had and HAS no respect for my parents...and when I mean beat the shit...I mean broke my dad's nose and blood coming out of my dad's mouth (internal damage). I mean, it is f*cked up. This was YEARS ago....my brother was a teen. My brother is now almost 40. My dad is gone.

goodness me your brother must have felt so singled out being the only one smacked

I stI'll haven't heard a valid reason why 'mums' are allowed to smack but the rest of the world isn't? Telling children not to smack etc and then doing it ourselves is a weird way of teaching a child right from wrong.
If your child asks 'why are you allowed to hit me when I do something wrong- but if you upset me I'm not allowed to hit you'..... What would the answer be?
Where is the respect?
Why don you hit your husband if he does something wrong?
Its all very well saying- it never did me any harm- but we need to remember how it makes the child feel? In pain for 1!

I can see the logic behind it, but i just dont think it is damaging to smack a child as part of well thought out discipline method. That is based on my experience and in no way would i recomend smacking and as i have said i wont smack my own children (even when on holiday in the uk) but i still think smacking can and does work and in my experience doesnt create kids that hate their parents or become abused adults or abusers.

there is reasearch supporting both smacking and not smacking, there are positive and negative stories on both sides, and positive and negative experiences from people who never smacked them. I'm sure smacking can have an effect negative or positive depending on everything else in a childs life.

Really...can you provide some positive research? I would be very interested in reading it.

 

[lovie]

I linked some a couple of pages back.. let me see if i can find it again.

it's based alot on sweden which as i said has been a non spanking country for 30 years, but unfortunatly there was a huge rise in teanage violent crime in the early 90's (the first generation not have been spanked)

there was also a study done that showed that spanked children actually did better and were happier as adults than those who were not spanked. obviously reasearch like this is very subjective so cant be relied on absolutly either way.

 

[lovie]

there is reasearch both ways, these are some pro smacking reasearch

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/...ore-successful-later-in-life-study-finds.html

https://www.uakron.edu/dotAsset/1820605.pdf

sweden is a really interesting country when looking at the long term effects of anti smacking laws, in the early 90's when the first generation of non smacked children were teanagers violent crimes rose by 6 times in comparison to the early 80's data, this from children whos parents never ever smacked them.

there is no way im saying that people should smack their children just that it isnt really anyone elses business if a parent chooses to lightly smack thier child. in the same way as I would never want my child to be around people who smoked or go to a pub beacuse there is no need for them to see that type of behaviour in my opinion, it doesnt mean that I think parents are wrong if they decide they will do those things with their children. each to their own.

these were the links i posted yesterday, both ended up with pro smacking results.