Is it right to smack a child?

[JackiePed]

whatever happened to supervision and teaching???! Sad to hear people resort to hurting to teach...I just don't get it.

Smacking a hand to help a baby/toddler make the cause-effect relationship: (this action=pain) is SAVING them from hurting. My smack on the hand is nothing compared to the pain they would experience from a burn or shock or cut. There is no anger, no desire to 'hurt', just a desire to teach them as early as possibly that certain actions will hurt them. Supervision is very important, but it is not foolproof or guaranteed.

 

[britishsaffy]

No Jasmak, it's not a US thing. I might live in the US, but I was born and raised in England and if I misbehaved as a child I got a smack for it. Not a beating, not a whipping, just a smack. I don't resent my parents for it at all. I love them both and they were excellent parents.
I am not against using the occasional smack/tap in exactly the same way JackiePed described. I think it has it's place, and whilst I don't think every situation warrants it, I certainly don't think it's 'hurting to teach'. I wouldn't 'hurt' my child, but if necessary I will use it to get his attention.

 

[britishsaffy]

whatever happened to supervision and teaching???! Sad to hear people resort to hurting to teach...I just don't get it.

Smacking a hand to help a baby/toddler make the cause-effect relationship: (this action=pain) is SAVING them from hurting. My smack on the hand is nothing compared to the pain they would experience from a burn or shock or cut. There is no anger, no desire to 'hurt', just a desire to teach them as early as possibly that certain actions will hurt them. Supervision is very important, but it is not foolproof or guaranteed.

^^^ This!

 

[Mindy_mini]

I'd totally tap LO's hand if he reached for the hot stove or a plug socket or went to run across the road or anything. I think that's more about the shock of the contact than the pain it causes, and as long as it's only used in dangerous circumstances, I think it gets a message across quickly and can prevent injury to your LO.

WSS totally! I turned my back yesterday to wind the Hoover cable up for two seconds and lo was playing with the electrical socket that I hadn't put the cover back on. I said "no" and shE turned and grinned at me and carried on so I tapped her hand. She needs to know it's dangerous and distraction/moving away from the situation wouldn't cut it IMO.

I tapped her hand that she was using and said very firmly "no - dangerous" she looked mega shocked and cried for a minute or so but I'd rather tap her than her hurt herself or worse kill herself.

Anything more than that is wrong IMO but sometimes a bit of a shock is needed to show them the dangers.

 

[deafgal]

yeah, I can see what you mean. if I had a kid who won't look before crossing the street or won't listen to me that he should not cross the street after several warnings following discipline, I would be tempt to give him a swat on the bottom so he can relate danger to pain and tell him to remember that because if he got hit by a car, it will hurt him a whole lot more. Not sure that would be the wise thing to do but I've always kept a close eye on my son so he never risk himself like that. he is pretty good knowing whats dangerous.

 

[JASMAK]

Well, I am just glad I don't parent like that. I feel sorry for your kids, honestly. That's all I am going to say, because I find it very emotional to think of kids being smacked around, no matter how lovingly you all describe it...it's plain cruel to me. I fin the justification sickening. Sorry. Just how I feel.

 

[alaskagrown]

I also agree that spanking is not a U.S. thing. My parents are straight out of Germany and they spanked me when I was little, as they were spanked when they were little.

I learned my lesson FAST when I was spanked. There was no room for games and giggles. However, spanking was reserved for Class A felonies of childhood naughtiness - maybe happened a total of 5 times in my childhood. My parents are both very stern and traditional and I thank God they raised me the way they did.

Spanking ALONE does not equal violent, angry, resentful, children.

 

[JackiePed]

'Smacked around'.....

 

[Wantingbbbump]

My parents spanked me and guess what I needed a good spank for acting out as a child. I only had it done 3 time and that was enough for me. I was hit across the face by my dad as a teen for the way I was talking to my mom I told her to F off and go to hell and my dad taught me to never talk to his wife that way EVER I was wrong and I don't hate my parents I 1000% understand!! I have also swatted my kids or smacked their hand to keep them out of danger. I see nothing wrong with a smack on the hand or a swat on the butt. I have never hit out of anger ever!! My parents always taught us kids that the parent gets a time out if they are mad and then go talk to the child and let them know why they are getting a swat and it had to be something bad for it to happen. My kids don't fear me and still come to me if they get hurt. But then I do tell them that I love them and give them cuddles after the swat. I do have to say that swats didn't happen in my home a lot. They do get time outs and groundings/things taken away 99% of the time. Now that they are older they don't get swats at all because they understand right and wrong. They don't bully other kids and aren't aggressive at all. They are the kindest kids I have ever seen.

 

[britishsaffy]

Well, I am just glad I don't parent like that. I feel sorry for your kids, honestly. That's all I am going to say, because I find it very emotional to think of kids being smacked around, no matter how lovingly you all describe it...it's plain cruel to me. I fin the justification sickening. Sorry. Just how I feel.

I take exception to that comment. How dare you? I mean really? You think that because we have a different approach to parenting that we 'smack our kids around'? That is tantamount to accusing us of child abuse, which no one here has confessed to (and i'm sure no one is guilty of). If your way works for you, that's fine, but condescending to others on how you 'feel sorry for our kids' is completely unacceptable.
I realize that this is an emotive subject but how about we try to discuss the subject without the mud slinging?

 

[JASMAK]

Well, I am just glad I don't parent like that. I feel sorry for your kids, honestly. That's all I am going to say, because I find it very emotional to think of kids being smacked around, no matter how lovingly you all describe it...it's plain cruel to me. I fin the justification sickening. Sorry. Just how I feel.

I take exception to that comment. How dare you? I mean really? You think that because we have a different approach to parenting that we 'smack our kids around'? That is tantamount to accusing us of child abuse, which no one here has confessed to (and i'm sure no one is guilty of). If your way works for you, that's fine, but condescending to others on how you 'feel sorry for our kids' is completely unacceptable.
I realize that this is an emotive subject but how about we try to discuss the subject without the mud slinging?

Sorry you feel that way. That is how I feel...and I never said anything about child abuse and I am not going to even go there on that. I have every right to say my opinion and how I feel. I don't need to run and hide from you all, just because you believe it's OK. I can say my piece too. I am not being condescending; I was simply saying how *I* feel...love how you twisted it...lol Not everyone agrees with hitting...sorry if that offends you. I guess if it really bothers you that I feel that way, you might want to look at why it bothers you that I feel that way? I mean, if you wholeheartedly believe what you are doing is right...why would you feel offended that I do not??? I certainly wouldn't be offended if someone didn't agree with my parenting, because I feel good about it. Just saying. I am not going to get in a snit with you...but I am not going to say sorry for feeling the way I do. Don't put words in my mouth either...saying 'child abuse' was you, not me. lol

 

[britishsaffy]

Well, I am just glad I don't parent like that. I feel sorry for your kids, honestly. That's all I am going to say, because I find it very emotional to think of kids being smacked around, no matter how lovingly you all describe it...it's plain cruel to me. I fin the justification sickening. Sorry. Just how I feel.

I take exception to that comment. How dare you? I mean really? You think that because we have a different approach to parenting that we 'smack our kids around'? That is tantamount to accusing us of child abuse, which no one here has confessed to (and i'm sure no one is guilty of). If your way works for you, that's fine, but condescending to others on how you 'feel sorry for our kids' is completely unacceptable.
I realize that this is an emotive subject but how about we try to discuss the subject without the mud slinging?

Sorry you feel that way. That is how I feel...and I never said anything about child abuse and I am not going to even go there on that. I have every right to say my opinion and how I feel. I don't need to run and hide from you all, just because you believe it's OK. I can say my piece too. I am not being condescending; I was simply saying how *I* feel...love how you twisted it...lol Not everyone agrees with hitting...sorry if that offends you. I guess if it really bothers you that I feel that way, you might want to look at why it bothers you that I feel that way? I mean, if you wholeheartedly believe what you are doing is right...why would you feel offended that I do not??? I certainly wouldn't be offended if someone didn't agree with my parenting, because I feel good about it. Just saying. I am not going to get in a snit with you...but I am not going to say sorry for feeling the way I do. Don't put words in my mouth either...saying 'child abuse' was you, not me. lol

No, wat you said was 'smacking kids around' which implies child abuse. Just because you danced around it doesn't make it less offensive. My taking issue with what you said isn't because I have any concerns about my method of parenting, nor is it because you choose to do it differently, it is with your judgmental and yes, condescending comment which states we 'smack our kids around and then lovingly describe it'.
Utter nonsense.

 

[JASMAK]

Oh well....

 

[Wantingbbbump]

@JASMAK SAID~ "Oh well....can't win em all...I know I won't be losing sleep over it. I hope you manage to get over it...now THAT is being condescending...because you know what...I just don't care. And, yup...I DO think it's child abuse. There. Ha! That is my opinion...take it or leave it."

This was really uncalled for! I have NEVER abused my child. What do you think we should so just let our kids get hurt when they don't listen to us saying no? Would you like that better? Should we let our kids run out in front of a car and get hit and end up dead and then say "Oh well, Johnny should of listened to me when I said that could happen if he runs in the road."
We all want what is best for our kids and we all have different way of teaching our children. There is NO right or wrong way with kids and what works for one child may not work for another. I always try to say NO and redirect the child first but some babies and kids are head strong and do as they want anyways and I would rather have to give a swat or smack a hand a time or two to save that child from a greater harm. Out of my 4 kids 1 has never got a swat or a slap on the hand because she would do as I ask but 1 time I did have to grab her hair to stop her from a speeding car on my street when she was very small. I was going for the hood of her coat and grabbed the only thing I could of reached and if I didn't she would be DEAD today. Did I feel bad about making her cry YES but I am so happy that I have her today. It's part of my being the best mom I can be. Nobody should ever be accused of child abuse unless they are beating their child and trust me there is a big difference. We can all talk about this with respect for each other, we don't have to agree abut we DO need to be respectful and agree to disagree.

 

[JASMAK]

@JASMAK SAID~ "Oh well....can't win em all...I know I won't be losing sleep over it. I hope you manage to get over it...now THAT is being condescending...because you know what...I just don't care. And, yup...I DO think it's child abuse. There. Ha! That is my opinion...take it or leave it."

This was really uncalled for! I have NEVER abused my child. What do you think we should so just let our kids get hurt when they don't listen to us saying no? Would you like that better? Should we let our kids run out in front of a car and get hit and end up dead and then say "Oh well, Johnny should of listened to me when I said that could happen if he runs in the road."
We all want what is best for our kids and we all have different way of teaching our children. There is NO right or wrong way with kids and what works for one child may not work for another. I always try to say NO and redirect the child first but some babies and kids are head strong and do as they want anyways and I would rather have to give a swat or smack a hand a time or two to save that child from a greater harm. Out of my 4 kids 1 has never got a swat or a slap on the hand because she would do as I ask but 1 time I did have to grab her hair to stop her from a speeding car on my street when she was very small. I was going for the hood of her coat and grabbed the only thing I could of reached and if I didn't she would be DEAD today. Did I feel bad about making her cry YES but I am so happy that I have her today. It's part of my being the best mom I can be. Nobody should ever be accused of child abuse unless they are beating their child and trust me there is a big difference. We can all talk about this with respect for each other, we don't have to agree abut we DO need to be respectful and agree to disagree.

I deleted that response for a reason...but thanks for posting it...I am sure it makes you feel good. I edited it because it came out and then I decided against it and changed about two seconds later. You know, you are getting all worked up here just because *I* don't agree with you?!! Really? Come on! I agree that we disagree...why do you want to fight about it? Posting the quote that I decided on was innapropriate? Why do that? Are you looking for an army to come after me?

 

[JackiePed]

Oi.... child abuse. You do realize that most of us are talking about that brief interim where a child doesn't understand when you patiently explain the consequences of a specific action? Unless you have a very verbally gifted baby, or a very physically delayed baby, they learn to walk, crawl, and reach for things LONG before they understand enough words in the english language to explain it to them....let alone the advanced mental comprehension of cause and effect in an abstract way. They have only concrete experiences to connect. "I do this, it hurts. I'll stop doing it." It's not the same as a child being naughty and receiving physical punishment. We are separating the two, you are missing the subtlety. It's not a matter of, "I'll make them hurt and then they won't dare do it again." It's... at that stage of development, if you want them to know what happens in a dangerous situation, you have three choices. 1.) Hope you are always watching and within reach at every single moment. (Trust me, you're not. No matter how vigilant you are. Unless your baby/toddler is attached to you at all times and never leaves your house.) 2.) Let them experience the REAL consequence...cause... you know... then you didn't smack their hand.... they just got burned instead. Much better. Or 3.) Create an artificial version of the consequence that is not going to injure your LO as the real consequence would, so that they still get the point. A swat on the hand. It stings, you point to the danger they were reaching for or about to engage in, say "Ow!" as you do it, and they have a concrete association. You aren't angry, you aren't punishing them, you're showing them what happens. It doesn't take long before they understand what "Ow!" means. Once they understand "Ow!" then you don't need the swat anymore. You can pull them out of the way of danger and just say, "Ow! No!" and they connect it. Not long after that, they're old enough for you to just explain it in normal terms. So you can see, this isn't some smack-happy method of parenting. But whatever.

But... if you feel it's better to just let them experience a burn, or a shock, or other injury...
We don't whack them in the head, yell at them, or anything that causes them fear. We connect the action with the consequence we want them to understand in order to keep them safe.

Bottom line, your comment was uncalled for. I get so sick of people defending their over the line or immature comments with, "I have the right to my opinion...". Of course you do. And there was nothing wrong at all with your opinion that there is no situation in which smacking a child is appropriate. You went too far when you used the term "smacking around" and when you smugly implied that we 'justify it' to make ourselves feel better.

This was, as all threads on here, meant to be a mature discussion/debate. Not a place to attack.

A controlled swat on the hand is far from child abuse.

 

[JASMAK]

And here is the thing...since you all are jumping on me for my opinion, and saying 'smacking around', which, I am sorry if that was offensive...I don't know the PC way of saying you discipline your child by hitting, and I didn't realize at the time that was being offensive.

ANYWAYS...back to the debate part...some people DO feel any form of hitting is child abuse. I am sorry if that bothers people. I am one of those people. My sister hits her kids..I think it's abusive. I love my sister, she is a good mom in every other way (IMO) but I do not agree with her hitting them. She knows I feel this way. We choose not to discuss it to be honest. You all attacking me for feeling this way is fine...choose to. But, I am not the only one who feels that way. Some people think it's OK to hit their wives (its legal in some countries). I do not see the difference in hitting a wife (or husband I suppose that happens) and a child. So...from a DEBATING point of view..not attacking anyone here, or trying to be condescending as I have been accused....I am just talking about relating hitting grown ups and hitting a child... if it is OK to hit a child, is it OK to hit an adult?

Also, a point to add...in Canada, it is illegal to hit a child under two...I hope the word 'hit' is OK to use??? Smack...however you say it.

 

[JASMAK]

Oi.... child abuse. You do realize that most of us are talking about that brief interim where a child doesn't understand when you patiently explain the consequences of a specific action? Unless you have a very verbally gifted baby, or a very physically delayed baby, they learn to walk, crawl, and reach for things LONG before they understand enough words in the english language to explain it to them....let alone the advanced mental comprehension of cause and effect in an abstract way. They have only concrete experiences to connect. "I do this, it hurts. I'll stop doing it." It's not the same as a child being naughty and receiving physical punishment. We are separating the two, you are missing the subtlety. It's not a matter of, "I'll make them hurt and then they won't dare do it again." It's... at that stage of development, if you want them to know what happens in a dangerous situation, you have three choices. 1.) Hope you are always watching and within reach at every single moment. (Trust me, you're not. No matter how vigilant you are. Unless your baby/toddler is attached to you at all times and never leaves your house.) 2.) Let them experience the REAL consequence...cause... you know... then you didn't smack their hand.... they just got burned instead. Much better. Or 3.) Create an artificial version of the consequence that is not going to injure your LO as the real consequence would, so that they still get the point. A swat on the hand. It stings, you point to the danger they were reaching for or about to engage in, say "Ow!" as you do it, and they have a concrete association. You aren't angry, you aren't punishing them, you're showing them what happens. It doesn't take long before they understand what "Ow!" means. Once they understand "Ow!" then you don't need the swat anymore. You can pull them out of the way of danger and just say, "Ow! No!" and they connect it. Not long after that, they're old enough for you to just explain it in normal terms. So you can see, this isn't some smack-happy method of parenting. But whatever.

But... if you feel it's better to just let them experience a burn, or a shock, or other injury...
We don't whack them in the head, yell at them, or anything that causes them fear. We connect the action with the consequence we want them to understand in order to keep them safe.

Bottom line, your comment was uncalled for. I get so sick of people defending their over the line or immature comments with, "I have the right to my opinion...". Of course you do. And there was nothing wrong at all with your opinion that there is no situation in which smacking a child is appropriate. You went too far when you used the term "smacking around" and when you smugly implied that we 'justify it' to make ourselves feel better.

This was, as all threads on here, meant to be a mature discussion/debate. Not a place to attack.

A controlled swat on the hand is far from child abuse.

I understand what you are trying to say...you feel that there is no other way to send that message to your child that there is real danger without something they won't forget. I have three kids...I have never had to resort to hitting any of them. I have never used reins (please leave that for another debate - lol) and I have instilled in them the real dangers of these things.

 

[Wantingbbbump]

@JASMAK SAID~ "Oh well....can't win em all...I know I won't be losing sleep over it. I hope you manage to get over it...now THAT is being condescending...because you know what...I just don't care. And, yup...I DO think it's child abuse. There. Ha! That is my opinion...take it or leave it."

This was really uncalled for! I have NEVER abused my child. What do you think we should so just let our kids get hurt when they don't listen to us saying no? Would you like that better? Should we let our kids run out in front of a car and get hit and end up dead and then say "Oh well, Johnny should of listened to me when I said that could happen if he runs in the road."
We all want what is best for our kids and we all have different way of teaching our children. There is NO right or wrong way with kids and what works for one child may not work for another. I always try to say NO and redirect the child first but some babies and kids are head strong and do as they want anyways and I would rather have to give a swat or smack a hand a time or two to save that child from a greater harm. Out of my 4 kids 1 has never got a swat or a slap on the hand because she would do as I ask but 1 time I did have to grab her hair to stop her from a speeding car on my street when she was very small. I was going for the hood of her coat and grabbed the only thing I could of reached and if I didn't she would be DEAD today. Did I feel bad about making her cry YES but I am so happy that I have her today. It's part of my being the best mom I can be. Nobody should ever be accused of child abuse unless they are beating their child and trust me there is a big difference. We can all talk about this with respect for each other, we don't have to agree abut we DO need to be respectful and agree to disagree.

I deleted that response for a reason...but thanks for posting it...I am sure it makes you feel good. I edited it because it came out and then I decided against it and changed about two seconds later. You know, you are getting all worked up here just because *I* don't agree with you?!! Really? Come on! Where is YOUR respect for me too? You totally twisted my words with the post previous to this, and attacked me! I agree that we disagree...why do you want to fight about it? Posting the qoute that I decided on was innapropriate? Why do that? Are you looking for an army to come after me? Respectful? Hmmmm...

I have NEVER attacked you in anyway shape or form nor was I trying to do something to make myself feel better or to send an army after you. I read what you wrote, copied and pasted it prob at the same time you were taking it off. I am not worked up at all because I don't see the need of getting that way over something posted online but your abuse comment did upset me so I responded and that is the reason there is open forums, so we can post and respond. Nothing more and I wasn't responding to you to be mean in anyway. I was just asking what YOU think we should do if the child won't listen to us after we have tried to say no, move the child away from the danger and they keep going at it. I am not the person you were getting into it with and I at the time didn't know you took the comment off. Where in my post to you did it say I wanted to fight with you?

 

[JackiePed]

I have three kids...I have never had to resort to hitting any of them. I have never used reins (please leave that for another debate - lol) and I have instilled in them the real dangers of these things.

The sense of urgency arises in parents for many things for which we have no previous occurrence to drive us. I have never had a child with cancer, in fact I've never known ANYONE with cancer, but I am vigilant about avoiding food additives, feeding my family clean, organic, non-processed food, and breastfeeding if at all able. I don't judge others for not doing it, and I understand why many wouldn't feel the same sense of urgency. But... I do. It's pre-emptive, and as a parent we weigh things all the time and make decisions, forsaking one for the sake of the other. I am willing to forsake being able to say, "I never hit" in order to quickly nip any dangerous situations in the bud. I feel confident in my parenting abilities to not be worried that my child will feel less of a bond with me or suffer psychological damage from this.
You are willing to forsake a faster learning process of dangerous situations because you feel a sense of urgency about the psychological and bonding effects of smacking or hitting for any reason. You are confident in your ability to teach them about dangerous situations in other ways, and to be vigilant about supervision in the meantime as they learn.
Stated that way, niether of us sound like bad parents.

So... we shouldn't try to make each other sound like bad parents.