Is it right to smack a child?

[pinklightbulb]

I take offense to the 'you feel sorry for our kids' part as well Jasmak. You must know that is worded offensively. What if I said I felt sorry for yours because I think the softly-softly method is a bunch of tosh and they will never learn anything that way? You would call that offensive, right? Well, then, you should be able to see where others are taking offense to your wording.

 

[britishsaffy]

Thanks...seriously. Now if only I could the same could be said for the words that come out of my mouth irl...

I'm not always known for my tact either. IRL I spend far less time thinking about things before they come out my mouth than I do typing them on here! lol

I don't know about you, but perhaps I should learn not to speak so fast. then maybe I wouldn't flub so many things.
(I had so many foot-in-mouth situations in college that my roommates had an entire long-sleeved tee screened with various embarrassing 'quotes' of mine that they still laugh at to this day.)

That's hilarious!

 

[JASMAK]

I do feel sorry for any child who is being hit. I do think that any kind of hitting is abuse. Y'all can take it or leave it. You all think I am not being PC or whatever other put down you have used...I don't feel bad, because you all are proving to be just as harsh and straigh forward. LOL! Calling the kettle black is what I say! You all are skirting around the issuing, picking out the way I say things and trying to bully me into what, an apology? The issue is what I am talking about, while you all are talking about the way I talk. SOunds like many of you are looking for a good fight, while all I am trying to do is defend my stance on the issue. Go ahead and call me harsh, not PC, and rude...I don't think I am any of those.. and if you can't see that all I do is CARE about these children you all so blantantly want to hit, smack...I go to bed tonight knowing that I love. I am leaving this thread now...so you can stop bashing me because I am not going to read it.

 

[JackiePed]

Argh. Bully? My whole point was if you get to say what you want, others can say what they want in response. It's all opinions, like you said.

 

[pinklightbulb]

I'm not looking for a fight. Just picking out the wording that is most offensive. Would you seriously not find offense with what I said above if I were to turn it around? Nobody is bullying you. I just wonder if you would ark up if I were to say that, worded exactly.

And yes, I have smacked my son a couple of times. I won't say why, just that I have, and does the little face in my avatar look like it's been 'smacked around' and traumatized in any way by me doing that? Didn't think so. He looks happy to be with me and so he should. I love him just as much as any non-smacking mother loves their baby. I just parent him differently, that's all.

 

[robinator]

Jackie? A bully?

She is the most clear headed, well spoken, supportive and least threatening person on bnb. She also calls it like it is, but does so respectfully. No matter what side of the fence any of us may be on, what she said applies to anybody. She just called you, Jasmak, out by name because you're the one who keeps arguing about it.

https://ui31.gamespot.com/1214/deadhorsebeat_2.gif

 

[JackiePed]

(Robin, I really think we need to get the mods to include your dead-horse smiley on our list!....)

 

[robinator]

Serrrriously....

(and a few other graphics come to mind)

 

[Tasha]

Jasmak, I know you probably wont read this but thought I would write it any way. I am on the same side of the argument as you (except I wouldnt say it was abuse, it is just something I would never do with my children) and I think you are misunderstanding what they are saying to you.

You are entitled to your opinion, but in the same breath people are entitled to be offended by it. You didnt sugarcoat it, and if that is what you feel that is okay but people are bound to get 'u[set' with some of the terminology you used. They can be perfectly happy with their way of parenting, I know I am, but if someone said something I do was abuse or made them feel sorry for my child then yes I would get defensive about it.

I do understand why you perhaps feel it is a group of people against you, as you are one person and there were a few people responding to your posts, but I dont think it was ever set out for it to be them verus you.

I have never heard of smacking/spanking used in the way Jackieped (I think it was ), apart from my MIL who smacked/spanked my son twice in one day at three years six months, one of those times for walking out in the road (no car was coming and where he walked out was a speed bump which was the same level as the road so he wasnt aware it was the road iykwim) so I guess looking it at that way she was trying to protect him (all though he was and is extremely articulate so talking to him about consequences of walking in the road would of been good), but I can never forgive her for it.

Any way that was O/T but I thought in general it was used for when a child 6+ had done something really bad. I was smacked by my Dad, and I dont think I learnt a lot from it. I probably didnt do many of the things again but it was not really a learning process after than I am scared to do it cos I will get smacked. For example, I went out late one night and came back at 3am I was 13 and so got smacked, from this I didnt learn that I shouldnt do it because I could get hurt, get attacked, get run over, kidnapped etc etc but I learned I shouldnt do it cos if I did my dad would smack me, for me sitting down explaining things would of been a better learning process.

 

[JackiePed]

And see, I wouldn't swat my three year old's hand for doing something like that, because by then, they 'get it'. You can tell them. They are verbal. I only feel the 'urgency' to get the message across when they are too young to explain it to them... during that brief interim period where I NEED to teach them what "ouch!" means, and I need to make sure they know that action is dangerous. Once I've had to do that a few times, they begin to understand the word "ouch!"... then it's no longer necessary. You can instead grab their hand away, say "Ouch! No!" and they now know what you're trying to tell them.

Nor do I think that smacking, swatting, spanking, etc... a 13 year old makes any sense. Talk about ASKING for them to rebel.

 

[Dragonfly]

once you hit a child nothing is learned from it other than fear? slap dont do it again, child will worry about being hit again not what the danger or wrong was that they done? I prefer my child to actually know what they done wrong and take responsibility for it rather than worry about being hit, I didnt like my ex hitting me when I burned his dinner thats for sure made me scared to do it again.

 

[JASMAK]

And see, I wouldn't swat my three year old's hand for doing something like that, because by then, they 'get it'. You can tell them. They are verbal. I only feel the 'urgency' to get the message across when they are too young to explain it to them... during that brief interim period where I NEED to teach them what "ouch!" means, and I need to make sure they know that action is dangerous. Once I've had to do that a few times, they begin to understand the word "ouch!"... then it's no longer necessary. You can instead grab their hand away, say "Ouch! No!" and they now know what you're trying to tell them.

Nor do I think that smacking, swatting, spanking, etc... a 13 year old makes any sense. Talk about ASKING for them to rebel.

See...and in my country hitting a child under two is AGAINST THE LAW...so here, that would be child abuse...just sayin.

 

[JackiePed]

... wake up in a good mood...? You've already made that point...and now you've made the point you refuted earlier.. remember, the one you thought I was making about you enjoying riling people up? Seriously.

 

[JackiePed]

once you hit a child nothing is learned from it other than fear? slap dont do it again, child will worry about being hit again not what the danger or wrong was that they done? I prefer my child to actually know what they done wrong and take responsibility for it rather than worry about being hit, I didnt like my ex hitting me when I burned his dinner thats for sure made me scared to do it again.

I do see what you're saying here. And I do agree with this in reference to 'corporal punishment', or rather, hitting, smacking, or swatting a child for the purpose of punishment for wrongdoing, as it doesn't seem to have the potential to teach the child the connection between what they did and why they are being spanked.

Then again... this is the most confusing part of parenting, because other methods don't always make sense either. Child drawn on wall: child gets spanked...well, that doesn't make sense. Child draws on wall: child gets put in time out. Well, that doesn't make sense either.
I mean, I guess in that situation you could take away coloring privileges for awhile, or something similar. But the entire concept of teaching our children as they grow is convoluted and confusing. What works for one, doesn't work for your next... what works for your friend like magic doesn't seem to work for you.... it's a big responsibility.

 

[Tasha]

Jackie in that case I suggest you draw on the child, that will teach them not to draw on walls

 

[JackiePed]

So simple... Why didn't I think of that?

 

[Dragonfly]

once you hit a child nothing is learned from it other than fear? slap dont do it again, child will worry about being hit again not what the danger or wrong was that they done? I prefer my child to actually know what they done wrong and take responsibility for it rather than worry about being hit, I didnt like my ex hitting me when I burned his dinner thats for sure made me scared to do it again.

I do see what you're saying here. And I do agree with this in reference to 'corporal punishment', or rather, hitting, smacking, or swatting a child for the purpose of punishment for wrongdoing, as it doesn't seem to have the potential to teach the child the connection between what they did and why they are being spanked.

Then again... this is the most confusing part of parenting, because other methods don't always make sense either. Child drawn on wall: child gets spanked...well, that doesn't make sense. Child draws on wall: child gets put in time out. Well, that doesn't make sense either.
I mean, I guess in that situation you could take away coloring privileges for awhile, or something similar. But the entire concept of teaching our children as they grow is convoluted and confusing. What works for one, doesn't work for your next... what works for your friend like magic doesn't seem to work for you.... it's a big responsibility.

I dont use time outs either but then my kids dont need any of it as they dont seem to rebel? I dont know why maybe some call it luck but theres a connection I heard of making your kids defiant when they are spanked and punished for everything where they actually do stuff because of that, A vicious circle. So i didnt go down that route. I was brought up in a non spanking house to, wasnt punished as i didnt do wrong either and wasnt defiant? I seen a pattern. If my child was drawing on the wall I would get them to help me clean it off while explaining this wasnt ok to do and showing them where they could do it. ps

 

[JackiePed]

And that's a logical 'return' for the first action. However, some parents are faced with the issue that the wrongdoing is repeated. Then it's not so simple.
I agree that a child doesn't need to be hit or shamed in order to behave, but I think we would be arrogant as parents to take full credit for when our children do not rebel, etc...
My daughter and my son are raised the same way. My daughter has no desire to rebel. She takes an intrinsic joy in following expectations, in peace in the house, in knowing she's done 'right'. My son.... Of course he loves praise, he loves to be a happy part of the family, and is a loving child... But boy does he test the limits. He does rebel. He doesn't always respond to a simple talk. He is still a child that I can take out in public, he doesn't pitch fits, etc.... But he certainly does rebel...
I think that well-behaved children are almost always a combination of luck and good parenting... And I've always told myself not to judge when others have rude or 'bratty' kids... Because one day I might be given a child that's just that difficult... And maybe I'll learn that the parent I judged was only half the equation.
So I take it the same way, when I think how grateful I am that my children are pretty easy-- I count my blessings, feel lucky, and continue to love them and hope I do things right.

 

[JackiePed]

Not to mention... What do we say about the unlucky parents who also don't believe in punishment, and their kids run wild? One parent can refuse to punish their young children, and it works out very well for them...another parent can adopt that same philosophy and their children can be really poorly behaved. Why does, for one, it create well-behaved children, and for another, it creates children who are a bit of a nightmare? We've all seen both scenarios.
And that's not a case for spanking, but a case that one-size-does-not-fit-all when it comes to children.

 

[Dragonfly]

I dont think I am being arrogant just saying what I set out to do which was raise a happy child who I didnt want to run about nagging and punishing. I read things like Alfie Kohn and am in to AP . Just telling you what I set out to do and the results so far. It does have a lot to do with how you parent a wide range of things to start with, I also find out why a child is acting out. This is normal they are children its how they learn and in my eyes parents help them with their emotions not go against them and punish for their own good. And no its not creating a wild child I aim for I know how to make one of them and I am not going there either .

The one size dosnt fit all thing dosnt ever feel right to me when parents try and explain what they are doing its like saying this kid deserves to be hit more than that one or my child's harder to manage. They all need love, that fits all children and respect, Some children are more spirited than others and some would say hard to manage but just deserve more help.