'Just a guest' so do we ensure she is just a guest?

[Snow Owl]

My MIL has made it pretty clear that she wants nothing to do with our wedding and is 'just a guest'. We've been straight told she won't be assisting at all (financially or physically) as it's 'not her job'. (She does however want her own guest list for her friends which she's been told she can sod off over...)

Fine, if she wants it this way then sod her. I'll happily go for that!

But how far do we take this? Obviously mother of the groom normally gets certain treatments. Do we ignore this completely?

For example...

Our ceremony space is long and thin, at the front it's 3 seats wide. We'll obviously need to seat the bridal party there which includes 5 bridesmaids, 7 groomsmen a flower girl, 2 page boys and my dad! That's the front 5 rows plus one page boy is my nephew so I'd planned to put my SIL near the front so he can sit with mum (he'll only be 2 bless him) and my mum will be at the front to sit with my dad and take the other page boy and flowergirl as they are my kids.

Now as 'just a guest' she'll be behind all this surely?

Hotel rooms - The venue has accommodation but isn't a hotel (actually a residential centre) but they have 4 ensuite double rooms. One for us obv and potentially one for my parents and one for bro and SIL. Now normally we'd hold the other for her but she's just a guest so do we bother? We've mentioned rooms are limited to her and asked if she'd want one and she changes the subject saying 'it's not like it's an important day'.

Gifts - Our friends and my family are going above and beyond to ensure we can do this wedding on a budget and I'm so grateful! We'd love to get some nice gifts to present at the speeches, especially my parents. Does she get ignored as she's 'just a guest' and has literally done nothing?

Table plan - We're unsure how to do the top table as we have two tiny people but do we ensure she's def not on our table as she's 'just a guest'?

I'm sure there's plenty of other things too, but what do you think?

 

[Camlet]

Your MIL sounds very rude & if it was mine I would be very offended. I guess it depends on what your relationship is normally like but if my MIL had said that then I'd give her exactly what she wanted & leave her out of everything & when she says something about it I would just say well that's what you asked for! I'd definitely not give her any thank you gifts if she hasn't helped at all tbh & if she keeps ignoring you for about the accommodation then I honestly don't think you should bother anyway. As for the table plan if she's going to be so rude then just sort everyone else you want on it first & then if you have room you have room but don't go out of your way to fit her on the top table etc iykwim xx

 

[modified]

Yes to all of them imo. Not at the top table, behind the bridal party, no rooms held etc etc - she's just a guest

 

[newbie1992]

Shes the one who wanted to be 'just a guest'!!

Go for it, if someone really feels that way then in my opinion they wouldnt want anything other than what you have described like they wouldnt want to be at the front of the church.

Not an important day... why are MIL's such arses sometimes???

 

[Snow Owl]

She flits between telling us that 'it's not like it's an important day' and 'but all my friends must be there!!'

These are the friends whose husbands tried to start a fight with the bar staff at our engagement because they called time! (Party was at our work so the bar staff we're friends of ours!!)

 

[Emma&Freya]

No shes just a guest. I wont have any of my guests dictate to me

 

[Squashy]

Blimey! I'd give her two options: Either she's just a guest and therefore no special seating arrangements and accommodation etc and absolutely NOT inviting her friends as her guests, or she gets treated as mother of groom and gets all the usual seating/ accommodation etc but no guests or special thank you as no real contribution other than turning up to your 'not really a special day' I wouldn't ignore that she should get these things as she'll be a part your life for a long time along with the never ending reminders that you didn't include her, unless she's adamant that she wants to be 'just a guest'. Inlaws eh?!

 

[DonnaBallona]

sorry to butt in but your MIL sounds like she needs a poke in the eye.... with a biro.

having said that; if it was my MIL being a complete PITA over this, is ask her straight out about all the things you've mentioned here and tell her in NO uncertain terms that if she doesn't give you an answer then you'll be making no special arrangements for her. (and she won't be on the top table!)

at least that way there's no drama on the day when she finds out. she has been warned!

 

[Loui1001]

Yep I would take her at her word and treat her like the rest of the guests with no family privileges, she sounds like an absolute treasure

 

[PrincessLeah]

I've got alarm bells ringing here ... this is a set up.
She's saying she wants nothing to do with the planning or helping, and saying it's not an important day (Unbelievable! What a horrible thing to say!)
I honestly believe that as the day approaches, she is going to start making waves, for example, expecting the special treatment regarding seating arrangements and table plans.
Then, when everything is organised and finalised, and too close to the big day to change without it being a massive hassle, she will start demanding all the things she said she didn't want.
Then she will probably spend your wedding day badmouthing you and here's the proof, look where they have made me sit, look there is no thankyou gift for me.
Then she will probably hold it over you after the wedding is long gone, and take every opportunity to remind you of it.

Get to the bottom of this now. Family meeting perhaps? You can say the purpose is to let all concerned know what you have decided upon for seating, accomodation, photographs etc. Get all the details ironed out and agreed upon (such as all the things you mention in your OP). If your folks are there too, to witness the things she is saying, it would definately help. Make it absolutely clear where both you and she stand, so there is no room whatsoever for misinterpretation or backtracking at a later date. Failing a full on family meeting, then a meeting with you and your fiance, plus pen and paper to record everything!

Good luck.

 

[Snow Owl]

I've got alarm bells ringing here ... this is a set up.
She's saying she wants nothing to do with the planning or helping, and saying it's not an important day (Unbelievable! What a horrible thing to say!)
I honestly believe that as the day approaches, she is going to start making waves, for example, expecting the special treatment regarding seating arrangements and table plans.
Then, when everything is organised and finalised, and too close to the big day to change without it being a massive hassle, she will start demanding all the things she said she didn't want.
Then she will probably spend your wedding day badmouthing you and here's the proof, look where they have made me sit, look there is no thankyou gift for me.
Then she will probably hold it over you after the wedding is long gone, and take every opportunity to remind you of it.

Get to the bottom of this now. Family meeting perhaps? You can say the purpose is to let all concerned know what you have decided upon for seating, accomodation, photographs etc. Get all the details ironed out and agreed upon (such as all the things you mention in your OP). If your folks are there too, to witness the things she is saying, it would definately help. Make it absolutely clear where both you and she stand, so there is no room whatsoever for misinterpretation or backtracking at a later date. Failing a full on family meeting, then a meeting with you and your fiance, plus pen and paper to record everything!

Good luck.

Haha she can moan all she likes but ALL the guests know exactly what she's like!!

Quite a few months on and she still has no interest in the day! We've mentioned a few things but the subject gets changed. Lol.

Ah well, her loss!!

Still at a loss with the top table tho!

 

[Kiki1993]

I agree it sounds to me like she just wants to come off as a victim "poor me look how badly they have treated me" ... If she does try pull that shit I would not hesitate to have her escorted out