Kind of confused...

[Cassie10]

So since losing Brailynn in June after I quit bleeding from the loss my periods have been coming right on time every 23 days... except for this time.

I'm just a few days late but man it has really got me thinking! I've been telling myself all this time that I don't want to be pregnant again for a while. I know for some people it is easier to jump right back into TTC but for me the fear of this happening again was too much.

But I took a pregnancy test a few minutes ago (which is negative btw) and I caught myself kind of hoping it would be positive. I caught myself analyzing it like I used to...staring at it, holding it to the light, everything!

I don't know how to feel about this... I am a bit sad it was negative. But I don't really understand why. We've been super careful because I don't want to be pregnant right now. Or maybe I do? I dunno...

Has anyone else had an experience like this? I mean I def want to have children some day... I just wanted to wait until I was more stable and doing better with losing Brailynn.

 

[Bride2b]

When the time is right I am sure you will know that you want to TTC again, maybe you are beginning to turn a corner?

Like many other ladies who TTC on here (either for the 1st time or after a loss) I think it becomes an obsession. I was totally obsessed before I got my BFP. When the time is right you will know.

I know its not a case of replacing or forgetting but about feeling you are strong enough again. I think I will be terrified when we start to TTC again.....

As I say you may just be turning the corner. x

 

[Cassie10]

Maybe you are right.... Maybe I am turning a corner.

I know all about the obsession! LOL! I was totally obsessed with getting those two lines when we were TTC the first time!

Being pregnant just seems so terrifying now... I don't know if I could handle another loss.

 

[Bride2b]

I think you are in the right place for support. We all seem to be here for a reason, not just because we have lost something special, but probably because we all want to be mummys at some point in our lives. For some we will be ready sooner than others, for some it will happen sooner than others. But I think the thing we have in common is that we will be terrified until those 9 months are finished and our babies are fully cooked and delivered safely into our arms.
xx

 

[mhazzab]

totally agree, bride2b.

Cassie, for me, the urge to be pregnant again was stronger than my fear of something going wrong. I couldn't imagine going through life never having my own child in my arms, and so I took a leap, TTC and decided that I just have to deal with what happens next even if it's bad again. for me right now, it's worth the risk.

Maybe the fact that you were disappointed in the BFN suggests you are turning a corner, like Bride says, and maybe soon you will feel that urge to TTC again. Perhaps you are just not quite there yet, which is why you are questioning yourself.

How is your OH feeling, is he still terrified of another loss too?

Whenever you decide to try again, whether it's this month or in a years time, I'm sure you will get to hold Brailynn's little brother or sister in your arms and one day you can tell them about her.

xxxx

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I mean for me it is 9 months since loosing Ava. I am just NOW starting to try again. Everyone is different, i needed this time to grieve Ava i could not just jump back in TTC, is just was not for me. This grieving process has taken me a long time.. So when you are ready you will know it. And one day yes you have a beautiful rainbow baby Miss you, hope to see you around more

 

[yazoo]

Cassie, I think the girls are right, maybe you are turning a corner and becoming more opened to the idea of trying again. For me the urge to be pregnant again is so strong and the desire to have a baby over-rides my fears about pregnancy. I have read that women have roughly 2 cycles a year where they don't ovulate so maybe that explains your AF being late and the negative test.

At the start of this year while ttc I didn't have a period for 64 days and I kept testing thinking I might be pregnant but getting BFNs but my period arrived then the next month. It was very tough but I then got pregnant the following month. I think that month was possibly a cycle where I didn't ovulate and that caused the missed period.

 

[DueSeptember]

So since losing Brailynn in June after I quit bleeding from the loss my periods have been coming right on time every 23 days... except for this time.

I'm just a few days late but man it has really got me thinking! I've been telling myself all this time that I don't want to be pregnant again for a while. I know for some people it is easier to jump right back into TTC but for me the fear of this happening again was too much.

But I took a pregnancy test a few minutes ago (which is negative btw) and I caught myself kind of hoping it would be positive. I caught myself analyzing it like I used to...staring at it, holding it to the light, everything!

I don't know how to feel about this... I am a bit sad it was negative. But I don't really understand why. We've been super careful because I don't want to be pregnant right now. Or maybe I do? I dunno...

Has anyone else had an experience like this? I mean I def want to have children some day... I just wanted to wait until I was more stable and doing better with losing Brailynn.

I feel the same way...I really want a Baby but I am afraid it may happen again We do want to try again we just want to make sure the time is right but we will def know when and I know we will worry the whole time but that is normal in every pregnancy

 

[OliveBay]

I agree with all the other ladies. Everyone has their own timescales about when they are ready to try again. And even when we are ready enough to try again, we will probably all be nervous, anxious, scared and a million other emotions - and this will be totally normal considering what we have been through. But in the end we know all the worrying will be worth it when we eventually get to hold a lovely healthy breathing baby in our arms. And thank goodness for this place, to provide us with some much-needed support and reassurance along the scary exciting rollercoaster

 

[Cassie10]

Thanks so so much for all the support and advice!

I missed coming here and chatting with everyone... I always feel much better after I log on here!

My OH is sticking to "I'm ready whenever you're ready." We just talked about it again last night and I can hear it in his voice that he wants to try again but he is sooo good about not rushing me and letting me heal.

I've had the problems with the abnormal cells on my cervix and just a few weeks ago I was diagnosed with Endometriosis so on top of being terrified of losing another baby I am terrified of it taking a while for me to get pregnant.

It took a while to get pregnant with Brailynn and I remember being so upset every month when I got a negative test.

I just don't know if I can handle grieving over her and the pain of not getting pregnant again.

I think you all are right though... I can def feel that urge creeping back in! I've already started the POAS addiction back up. I've taken three since this period has been late! LOL!

 

[yazoo]

Thanks so so much for all the support and advice!

I missed coming here and chatting with everyone... I always feel much better after I log on here!

My OH is sticking to "I'm ready whenever you're ready." We just talked about it again last night and I can hear it in his voice that he wants to try again but he is sooo good about not rushing me and letting me heal.

I've had the problems with the abnormal cells on my cervix and just a few weeks ago I was diagnosed with Endometriosis so on top of being terrified of losing another baby I am terrified of it taking a while for me to get pregnant.

It took a while to get pregnant with Brailynn and I remember being so upset every month when I got a negative test.

I just don't know if I can handle grieving over her and the pain of not getting pregnant again.

I think you all are right though... I can def feel that urge creeping back in! I've already started the POAS addiction back up. I've taken three since this period has been late! LOL!

I'm glad you OH is giving you time. Like yours there was no question about mine wanting to try again but he never said lets do it- he simply said whenever I feel ready. it took me 9 months to get pregnant last time and I am on my 3rd cycle trying now. Like you I hate that it could take so long. I really thought that I would get pregnant first cycle and have a BFP before my due date but nope.