*waves*
hey girls... sorry I went a bit weird last week, it was me being over-sensitive and silly. I should have come back and posted again later that day to explain but I haven't been in the mood to write much anywhere, and I owe PMs and emails all over the place (which I feel bad about, and need to get my arse in gear and do something about).
it wasn't anything any of you said, though. maybe a little bit of me being worried about being a whining whinger and you all getting sick of it. my head is in a bad bad place much of the time, I feel stuck and fed up and stressed and anxious, I have had thought of putting the baby up for adoption, leaving Chris, taking Adam to live by myself... walking out on everything other than Adam. I would never do that, I don't *want* to but sometimes I think they'd all be better off if I just plain was not here. I don't feel like this all the time, just when things are going badly. I had another argument with Chris last night (will explain more about it later, as it's an issue I'd like views on) and I am just fed up of him not seeming to care about my opinions and not having *any* patience with me when I am upset. it's almost as though he sees it as a direct attack on himself that I am upset. he doesn't understand and it seems he will not try.
anyway. I'll come back to that.
Spidey, you looked beautiful in your dress, stuffing and all.
I loved all the outfits, you really have the sort of figure that can carry off so many different styles. lucky lady. looking forward to seeing more pics.
cleck, I loved looking at your HS photos, too.
you and Corey made (and still do make) a very good-looking couple. I can't imagine getting married that young, though, but then I was all messed up through school and university and never even had a boyfriend till I was 22.
speaking of which, Chris and I have been together for 5 years on Friday (I was 32 when we met). it's hard to believe sometimes. he hasn't changed much, he's never been that good at understanding me, but I think I was more resilient to it in the past. good on you for the continued weight-loss and getting back on track. it's so easy not to and to let it slide.
Shiv, so sorry to hear Cora has been having sick issues. poor little bub. does she seem like she is in pain? I really hope you can get it sorted out fast, it sounds so distressing for you.
as for your weightloss, well I can but sit here and be green with envy. got a feeling I am going to be close to 12st *after* delivering baby. meh. it's my own fault, I have not been restrained in the slightest. and as for your in-laws, gah. I would be extremely sorely tempted to forget they were three miles away and just go see your parents. would David be angry? how does he feel about their lack of attention to Sophia and Cora? I empathise, though, as I will explain below. I have something similar with members of C's family who seem to expect us to do the running. only this time round I am going to refuse to. they want to see the baby, they get off their arses.
Jean, ack, I'm sorry you're also feeling down, but you're right in that the loss of the cigs *is* a loss, it's a loss of your routine, the loss of something to look forward to. I hope you're really proud of yourself, it's brilliant what you've done, but even when you *know* that it doesn't always make your feelings catch up right away. it sounds very like the type of conflicted feelings I had when I stopped drinking. I was very proud of myself, and I appreciated not being a worry to people, and I didn't miss the bad side-effects (I used to go into physical withdrawal when I didn't drink, uncontrollable vomiting, shaking, sweating, hallucinations, the lot) but I did miss the way it was before it all went really bad, when it was something to look forward to, enjoy, my way to wind down and sleep, the sense of ease I would get. and I have to be honest, there's not really anything that replaces it, but I did get used to it and it got to the point (thank goodness else I'd still be drinking) that the memory of how it was in the end months is way more powerful than the rose-tinted memories of when it worked. but a period of depression and feeling low about the loss is normal when you make a big change in your life. that alongside the changes in your job/work makes it not surprising to me at all that you feel this way. massive big hugs. I really hope you can find the positives and focus on those (listen to me, I should take my own advice
).
so... as for me... 39 weeks today. telling myself I have another 19 days (I'd be induced at 40+12). I don't feel too bad about it, but envious when I see people due after me having their babies already (apart from ones who have been induced, I don't envy those). it's only going to get worse because I am certain I'll go overdue. please god not so much as 12 days, but I won't be surprised if I make 41 weeks.
haven't even been trying anything to encourage things along. other than drinking RLT, but I know that only strengthens the uterus. have hardly even been bouncing on the gym ball.
baby has quietened down a lot the past couple of days, I have no idea if there is a problem, wondering about going to get checked as I am not seeing anyone till Monday. hopefully he has just shifted to a better position and I am not getting kicked all out front. but it's always a worry. he is still moving, but I have had my doppler out two or three times after never using it in months. the midwife I saw last Thursday (the one who referred me for a psychiatric evaluation) said something about a sweep if I hadn't had the baby by next Thur, which is when my next appt is with her (Monday is the community mw). I will be 40+1 and I think policy is to offer one at 41 weeks, but I don't know, I had the feeling she might take a peek and see if I am at all favourable for one. kind of hope she does because I'd like to know what's going on. I understand why they don't do these internal checks as standard, but it doesn't stop me being curious.
have got a lot of stretchmarks now. noticed them last week. with Adam I only had a few and didn't notice them at all till my belly started going down. those ones are in 2 small patches either side of my bellybutton. the new ones are not dark red or big, but they are higher up, also either side of my bellybutton. and they are itchy and the skin feels so tight. I wasn't certain they were definitely stretchmarks, thought they might be broken veins, but when I squeeze the skin I can see it puckers up. so I think it's going to be a bit of a mess. oh well. I shouldn't feel down about it, since it's not like I have worn a bikini since I was 3 years old, and I have had no plans to ever again, but... gah. wondering if it is because I have barely used Bio-Oil this time. last time I put it on every day, sometimes more than once, because it was what I used as an agent for my doppler, and because Adam was a bit of a slug in utero, I listened every day, or almost every day. this time because baby is (or was) a busy bee, I didn't bother much after about 13-14 weeks.
my mum is still here and doing a brilliant job as a nanny.
Sunday and Monday she took him out for much of the day, yesterday he went to his other grandmother's, and today they have gone out together again. she is finding all the walking with the pushchair is helping her back pain a lot, so I don't feel *too* bad. I miss Adam, though, yesterday he really was out all day, from 6.50am till 8pm. I hate that he seems to favour my mum and Chris over me, and I hate that when I do things with him, when he tantrums I still can't cope. even if I have not looked after him all day I still cannot cope. it's pretty pathetic.
anyway. the thing I wanted opinions on - it's about C's mother, who, as I have said before, is a childminder. she has really not spent much time with Adam - ever - she has now had him for 2 whole days, and once she babysat him for three hours (in January). other than that, she has never been one to come over and visit, we have been the ones to get in the car and go over. I thought with us moving a bit closer things would be easier, and I guess they are in a way (it's a 1/2 hour drive not a 1hr+ drive) but it hasn't made much real difference. anyway. she had Adam for the first time for a day at the beginning of Sept. I was offered a last-minute shift at work and C rang to see if she could have him. whether she can depends on how many other kids she has booked that day and whether or not she has someone to help her, as there are rules about the number of kids to adults. she took him and it all was fine. she said at the time that she'd love to have him again. and we started thinking that it might be a good idea to see if she could have him once a week or every other week for a day once the baby is here. then she went on holiday and only got back at the weekend. when she spoke to C, he mentioned seeing if she could have him, and she suggested yesterday. I was supposed to be taking him for lunch out (I was meeting with Pippin, joeyjo and Aunty E) but decided it might be better if I went alone as he'd also be seeing his cousins (who are looked after by C's mum a few days a week each and were due to be there). so I said ok, and off he went.
the argument I had with C later - I don't know whether I am being unreasonable or he is... on the one hand I would like him to go over there for the odd day, even if it is a regular arrangement. however, C wants us to pay his mother her regular daily rate. she is of course running a business, and it would be unfair on us to suggest she takes a child for nothing when she could have a paid for child. she didn't want paying for yesterday, we paid her about 1/2 her rate when he went in Sept (even though again she said she didn't want paying, but since it was because I was working, she agreed. C's sisters pay her but again it is because they are working. she has them for nothing on other days when they need helping out).
I have a couple of issues with this. the biggest one is that I just don't feel it is right for the only contact Adam has with his grandmother is paid for. C says it's because she works full time and when else would she see them, but what about other grandparents who work and want to see their grandchildren? they find time in the evenings and at weekends, or they take time during their holidays (C's mother goes abroad every chance she gets). I also don't think it's right that it's the only time he sees his cousins. again, what's wrong with C making plans at weekends to see them? the cost is an issue, she charges £56 a day. that is close to half my maternity allowance, and I don't think I want to pay that every week. I don't know how it compares to other childminders, but I would guess it is on the higher end as his mum lives in a pretty affluent part of London (in a council house, they aren't wealthy) and looks after the kids of GPs and other professionals, etc. for Adam to go over there for the day, we need to get him up at 6am to leave about 6.45am to be there in time for C to get to work on time, and then he wouldn't be home till at least 7pm (they were later last night because they stayed for dinner). it's a long day away from me. and I am not sure that if we are going to pay for child care it's how I want it to be. I have thought maybe it would work better for me to find a local childminder who could have Adam for maybe 2 mornings or 2 afternoons a week. I could take him there and pick him up, he'd be closer to home, etc. It just doesn't sit well with me that he is never getting one to one time with his grandmother because there are 5-6 kids being minded by her. I'd rather she made the effort to come and see him, or offer to take him out on her days off - she doesnt have kids on Fridays, but she is also a registrar who marries people, but she tells me she won't be so busy with Friday weddings now we're past the summer busy period. but I have the feeling that if I sit here and wait for her to offer to have him one Friday, I'll be waiting a long time.
I don't know. am I being unreasonable? it's not that I expect free childcare, but that I resent it's likely going to be the only time he sees her and his cousins, and I think that should be done because you want to and from love not through a business transaction. the fact of the cost being pretty high *is* an issue but not the biggest one. I was saying to C last night that I'd sooner take the £56 a day and take Adam places myself. and I'd definitely rather it was more flexible and I paid that to get a couple of mornings or afternoons locally, rather than a full - and very long - day. C was antagonistic when I suggested this, though, doesn't want him going to a stranger (grrr) and isn't thinking of what might work better for me. I said - whose benefit is this for? he said yours. ok, I said, so a whole single day mightn't suit me as well as 2 half days. also Adam's, as he can spend time with his cousins. but I am annoyed by this, we shouldn't have to pay for him to see his cousins, ffs!
I have a strong feeling I will not win this, unless I put my foot down and say no, he's not going over there again. which would be cutting off my nose to spite my face. but I am hacked off that there is no discussion about it. C thinks we can afford it so it's fine. I think I'd rather spend the money elsewhere and Adam see his family regularly in a non-payment scenario.
gah. I don't need more stress but bam, my husband does seem to like adding to it.
DH votes for the purple sweater/ leggings combo. I really like the long dress (#3), but he says it's way too fancy. I might wait till tomorrow to make my final decision, but right now I'm leaning more towards the purple/black leggings since it's really comfortable. I still like the first dress though, but it's a bit stiff and right now I'm too tired to think about wearing anything stiff 
She's been holding her pee so she only goes up to 4 times a day. Today she's peed 3 times so far (and its almost 9pm). Twice completely in her pants and once fully on the potty. Her bladder gets so full that when she has to go, it's too late to make it to the potty. I'm guessing she's testing her limits and one day she'll pee more often. I don't know what to suggest about Emma's pooping. Kira doesn't hide hers.. it floats in the bathtub and she points to it and signals me to fish it out 
I'm not very fashionable.
I felt like that all day yesterday. I just kept feeling like I need to cry and that something was wrong with me. I haven't been keeping track of my cycle at all but today AF hit me like a brick. So I guess that explains it. All day yesterday I thought I was nuts. I wanted corey home so bad just to have someone to hug. 
I was doing so great until yesterday but again AF hit so that must be why the loss suddenly stopped. Yes, I'm still weighing myself every morning. I can't help it. 
I know what you feel about feeling the need to cry all day. I saw the picture on FB of Corey's ship. Did he just leave today? Maybe if you have a good cry it'll make you feel better. Watch some of those Baby Story shows on tv- those always do it for me 
