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[MrsAttard]

How's your brother doing? I just imagine how you and your family must be feeling.

On the ttc side of things, I think I'm going to test tomorrow or Wednesday. I'll be 12dpo (or so, not sure when I o'ed, but based on other months) and AF is due Saturday. I'm not too hopeful, and I won't be too upset with a BFN (I think) but there was the bird poop thing, so I can dream, right?

My DH has been super horny for him this weekend. While I welcomed it with open arms, I also gave him a hard time asking 'why can't you be like this when I'm ovulating?!' I guess I might have said so once too many bc this morning when talking about it, he said how sorry he was. It broke my heart! I'm having a hard time finding the balance between expressing the importance of well-timed bd'ing and making him feel badly.

 

[SuperLilWifey]

He had a little set back yesterday had a low fever and the morphine was giving him high blood pressure. He's a fighter tho.

Awww yeah its hard trying to BD around a certain time line. My DH on the other hand can go every day and im like woah there buddy lol DH made a joke the other day that kind of broke my heart even tho he was joking he was like, "Sorry my swimmer juice can't get you pregnant"

AF is suppose to show sometime this week lol weds or thurs. Friday at its latest cause its being taking an extra day to show up which gets my hopes going up just to be crushed a little.

This is getting to be more like a science project trying to get pregnant next month im not going to worry about anything still and just be more relaxed about everything again or well try to be.

GL on testing!!!!

 

[MrsAttard]

So, I took a test today. I was so hopeful, but no BFP....just a BFN. I'm not upset because I'm not late yet, but now that I've got these tests I can finally understand how testing is addictive.

I'm on cd26 now, and my AF ranges from 27-30 over the past 8 months or so. So, I could start anytime, but I haven't had any of my pre-AF symptoms yet (cramping, spotting, flu-like symptoms).

I agree about this feeling like science, and we're the subjects! Each month I have a hard time even deciding what is a symptom (AF or pg) because I don't know whether to associate a given pain with my cycle or something else. Like, yesterday my lower back was bothering me; is that a symptom or from bending down a lot while cleaning?

The most annoying thing is that I intended this to be a relaxed month! Ha!

 

[SuperLilWifey]

It posted twice so I had to edit one lol

 

[SuperLilWifey]

I did a test too bfn of course but I couldn't help myself lol I know it would be too early to tell even if I am because of how short my cycle is I guess. Af is suppose to be here soon I told myself I'll give it till sunday before I think about testing if af doesn't show at this moment if it will show or not.

Its just so frustrating im almost tired of trying to get pregnant.

There is so many emotions im trying to go thru and I can't fully do it without hurting people from withdrawing into myself.

just makes me want to scream a little

 

[MrsAttard]

I know! I am so totally over the emotions of everything. I mean, today I was walking around and felt like bursting into tears. The other night I was alone while my DH was out with a friend and I was just overcome with emotions; anger, sadness, self-pity....just yuck. And as soon as DH walked in, I was fine. I guess thats also because I feel the need to put up something of a front so he doesn't know how much I think/worry about ttc.

 

[SuperLilWifey]

Totally understand the need to put up a front. I try so hard each month to not let my emotions get the best of me when AF does show up but as soon as DH sees my face he just knows. I don't mean to put so much of my emotion asked him if he was the only one left of his group that didn't and he was like, "Yup" I just wonder if it bugs him but he just doesn't show it as much.

 

[MrsAttard]

So, as part of our position of superintendent we get a free apartment. We don't get to choose where we live or the apt, but at least we don't have to pay for it. We changed management companies earlier this summer and moved into a studio apt on the grounds that in 3 months a larger apt would become available and we could move there. Well, turns out that we won't be able to move to the other apt just yet, and not sure when we will. We're still supposed to get it, just at some undetermined point in the near-ish future.

This concerns me because as I've mentioned before, this apt is not suitable for a child. Besides the fact that its much too small even for DH and I (and 2 cats) we also sleep in a loft with a ladder which definitely won't work if I'm preg. I mean, it's prob fine for the first couple of months, but once I'm huge there's just no way. We can make it work, but I don't want to have to do that.

Of course, I'll still be beyond thrilled if I were to get a BFP this cycle or next, but I'm worried about how long we might be stuck here. I mean, I guess the sensible thing is to not try until we know better whats going on, but I just feel like we can't afford to skip a month or more. DH is in such a fowl mood the past couple of days and this isn't helping.

The worst part is the reason we can't move is because the tenants of the other apt just had a baby and can't move yet either!

 

[SuperLilWifey]

I totalLy understand the space issue we live with his dad so he can help out and help his little bro who still is in highschool for 2 more years but next year we plan on buying a place not sure when but he wanted to build a cabin.. Not sure how it'll work out if I got pregnant and we couldn't find a place soon enough we have enough room for a baby in the room but it be so cramped and no place to have a child for a long period of time.... Hope everything works out for!!!

Side note af is due tomorrow that's when the date shows but normally shows up a day later not sure how I'm feeling no symptoms sooo its pretty much waiting now!!

 

[MrsAttard]

So does his dad know you're trying? Sounds like it could be a full house, but at least there would be babysitters! My DH's brother has one special needs little boy, and they are expecting another baby. My MIL and the baby's other GM split caring for the child all week. So, I doubt we'll be able to ever use MIL babysitting services. Plus, my family is too far away. All the more reason for me to be SAHW/M.

So are you planning to test in the AM or wait until Friday? As I said before, I'm due anytime, but also not experiencing all pre-AF symptoms. It's kinda weird bc I was and am still convinced that it's not the month, but other than general fatigue, emotional and back pain, I really haven't gotten the tell-tale AF symptoms. I think I'll test Friday....but I don't have much hope. FX for you though! (OK, for both of us! lol)

 

[SuperLilWifey]

FX crossed for both of us. And No he don't know we're trying but he'd be happy. and no im not testing until sunday if af doesn't show. I'm going to wait it out this time.

 

[SuperLilWifey]

The witch got me

 

[MrsAttard]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Last night when I went to bed I starting getting cramps so I'm pretty sure I'll start today or tomorrow too.

 

[MrsAttard]

So, this morning I decided to take another test....BFN of course. Immediately after, I wiped and I had started spotting. Though AF hasn't officially started, it's inevitable so I'm out this month. In fact, I've decided that for a month or two we're going to NTNP. It's frustrating, but the right decision considering whats going on in our life right now. I'm still hoping for DH to have his SA done so we know what's going on, but I think it'll be good to put this on the back burner right now.

 

[SuperLilWifey]

Sorry I haven't been on. The night af came was super rough. DH kept saying sorry and i just came to a point where I don't care anymore which is bad because it sends me down an emotional road I hate going but it seems like its already started. I've cried two nights in a row and I can't come to tell DH that I just feel so drained from TTC when it seems nothing happens. I know people try longer than we have. Being Bipolar and ttc is just so hard I never thought it would be so hard to do this when some people make it seem so easy. I think we're going to NTNP either because I know he doesn't want to stop TTC I just can't put find the strength to seriously try for a baby. I might suggest he get a SA done and if they find nothing wrong with him then my biggest fear that it is me. And I have so many ideas of that it could be me. I use to be on so many different medications a few years ago trying to find one that could help me with my disorder there is no telling if one of them had a bad side affect to me. Maybe its because my cycle is so short its going to make it harder. Maybe because im fully happy and still battle with depression. I don't know anymore.

Dh told me not to lose faith him, and im not but I don't know if he can handle the fact that I might be losing faith in my self. He is so amazing trying just to make me happy its just the year is coming close to the end and its already hard enough with the fact with the holidays coming and its another year my mom has been gone and this year my dad is over 13 hours away in another state.


Sorry for the rant

 

[MrsAttard]

Sorry I've been off for a couple days too. The first couple days of the cycle I just can't get into to BnB bc it's so frustrating, and other peoples excitement annoys me.

I'm sorry to hear it's been so hard for you. I know how frustrating it is for me, so I can't imagine how you feel. And I'm sorry to hear about your mother as well. Between everything else....I can see how it hasn't been a great year for you. How's your brother?

It's interesting that medication is the concern for us as well. DH had a kidney transplant ten years ago and takes all sorts of meds now, which seem to be messing things up. So, consequently he blames himself. He feels broken and like it's his fault. He even offered to not get married and let me move on without him bc he didn't want to hold me back from having children. So, while I don't know your full situation, I may be able to relate to your DH a bit. Don't blame yourself, or the meds. Even if they do effect things, it's not your fault. But your DH is right, it's too early to assume that something is wrong, so try to keep faith in him and yourself. Maybe it's optimism, and maybe it's denial, but I'm convinced that DH and I will get pregnant on our own, just not sure when that will happen. Maybe we should schedule something big and and exciting for the end of each month so that no matter what the tests show, we'll have something to look forward to.

This month should be interesting. DH agreed that we should NTNP this month, but that doesn't really change much for him. How do I not pay attention to the signs? Once you get to know your body, you can't un-know. Do I avoid sex when I'm ovulating? I think this month will end just like every other cause I don't know how to pretend I don't know what cd it is.

 

[SuperLilWifey]

Thanks my brother is doing well. They need someone to stay with him at home while he gets better and I was asked first to go I just couldn't bring myself to care for him when I can barely care for myself when my emotions aren't stable.

I feel like a bad sister but also I feel as if im always the turn to person when they need help. I didn't grow up with the other part of my siblings I love them all the same I just don't have the super tight sibling bond that most siblings share.

I know it will happen for the both of us. and yeah NTNP sounds like just another term for trying really just without all the opks, and everything else I mean if you know your body you know whats going on without having to have all the other stuff.

DH took me out for a day and tried to cheer me up just like how my mom use to without knowing that is the same way she did it. I love discount stores and buying odd end stuff that i don't need. He took me out to one of my favorites and got me some funky socks and got the new monopoly city. And we went out to eat and got me a new video game for something to do when everyone is gone during the day and im home alone. I love bears im kind of a borderline teddybear hoarder lol so he got me this game called Naughty Bear. I was surprised its a cute teddy bear killing other bears lol

I'm still going to take my Geritol Complete but not so much as to a trick to get pregnant but to try and boost my immune system with winter coming.

Totally understand the need to stay away from BnB I got on the other day and just read someones post and it was about a girl who cheated on her bf of 2 years and they was ntnp for a kid and right after she cheated she found out she was pregnant. Its not the other guys by her post of how it happened but it just makes me feel so many emotions.

 

[Faith n Hope]

Sorry I havent been online hope you are all well im feeling really down and wondering if its ever going to happen and i dont know what to do?! I have no idea when im due now?! i just feel like there might be something stopping us? but i dont know how to find out or what to do even? x

 

[SuperLilWifey]

I think everyone feels like that if it is ever going to happen and we don't know what to do but wait it out before a doctor will even take us seriously. I think any concern anyone has when TTC and they feel like they should see a doctor then go for it. I read that sometimes its best to just go to the doctor and get the test done. One Doctor wrote an article about it and says its best so it saves the trouble and heartache that brings along with it and stress.

I believe that to the fullest. If you feel like something is wrong then go for it. Demand that you get the test done I mean you're the one going thru the test the doctors are just getting paid to do what you ask for. Why wait it out and not just see if anything is wrong and if nothing isn't then you know and can clear that off your stress levels.

 

[SuperLilWifey]

I don't know how to bring up a subject with my DH. I'm not sure if I want to TTC anymore for awhile and not even NTNP either. I mean the plan was next year we was going to look into buying a place or something of the sorts but then a few weeks ago he said that he was looking into buying a truck for the winter time which is something we need but put the moving out on the back burner until he gets that paid off which he figures would be around a year......

I had no problem TTC with the thought of moving out so I could have my own space and not a home that was already there but a home that was mine. I tried explaining to him without hurting his feelings about the whole home thing. I moved in with him and his family he did have a place of his own a few years back but moved back to help with things. I lived with my parents and helped take care of my mom till she passed then it was basically my house that I took care of and helped my dad. This isn't my home, he doesn't seem to grasp it. I Tried explaining it to him that I love it here but its not my home. I don't walk in and feel like finally im home. ITs a place I live.

My dad is suppose to be moving up here by the end of the year or the start of next year hopefully. I think it will be a plus, I can make that my dads and mine home I wont be moving out but I think I will be staying there more often because I can just be at ease without worrying about messing something up or using the wrong thing.

It will be a negative for DH though, he worries that with my dad moving up here it'll give me an escape away from him. Its not so much away from him its more I can finally breathe in a more comfortable place.

Its hard being bipolar and no one really understanding or living with someone with bipolar and my moods and anxiety. My dad knows them, and I can't wait to get that back to just be myself all the time in a house instead of being myself in a room in a house then going out in the rest of the house pretending to be this happy person.

I don't know. Sorry for the rant i guess I just gotta toughen up and tell him I want to hold off ttc for a bit And try to explain my feelings and thoughts the best way I can. But I feel like its not going to turn out the way I excepted it too. Most likely we'll talk about it and I will feel bad for making him feel sad or upset and I'll cave in and we will still TTC....