Looking for TTC buddies

[thencomesbebe]

So sorry sherri

 

[sherii]

It's ok, bebe, really. I know that we will be successful in the end. We were super lucky to get a BFP on the first try to begin with, so I'm not worried about it happening again. I'm actually VERY grateful that (if it had to happen at all) it happened early in our ttc journey, rather than after we'd been trying for a while. It's still hard to deal with the loss, but I think that softens the blow a tiny bit, maybe. I almost find myself disbelieving that it even happened sometimes.

 

[karoolia]

sherrii you have a great attitude! I hope you get your new bfp as quickly as possible. Don't be surprised if it is a nerve wracking experience when it happens. To be honest, I dealt wit my miscarriage very well, but found it very hard to be pregnant again. That is when the fear and worry set in. I feel much better now, but early on was a bit of a nightmare.

 

[sherii]

that's my next hurdle, karoolia. I know I'll be pregnant again, but I'm not certain I'll be able to turn off the fear. I find myself already mentally preparing for another miscarriage, which probably isn't productive. I'm not sure how I'll handle it, but I'm sure that the first several weeks will be slow moving and stressful. As much as I want to enjoy it, I worry I won't be able to until I'm at least into the second trimester. But again, knowing you are now very pregnant after an early loss, is SO encouraging.

 

[Alligator]

Sherii, as you'll know from my journal and many other ladies here, turning off the fear is HARD. It's really hard. But, you do it. You work through. You get help if you need. You manifest positivity. You know that your fears are grounded in loss and heartache but that that is not a map for your future, it's a map of your past.

My mom said to me, pregnancy after loss is like the first step in preparing you for parenthood. The fear of the unknown and the what ifs..my mom said that's just what being a parent is like. You love so fiercely, it's like your heart is outside your body, walking around.

You'll get through. Take time if you need it. In some ways I am really glad it took us a couple months after the loss to conceive. I would have been a mess, had it happened right away. I had time to grieve and process.

 

[thencomesbebe]

Alli, that is so beautifully said ❤

 

[sherii]

That really is beautiful, Alli. The doctor at the ER said something quite similar, actually. That part of being a parent is always being prepared for the unexpected, and being able to process and realign when the unexpected happens.

I guess it comes down to choosing to find joy in spite of the past, or despite the unknown. Worrying won’t change the devastation of another loss. Being stressed and scared isn’t going to ease the blow if this happens again. It’s a choice to be fearful as much as its a choice to be joyful and excited. I want to be excited and happy next time, the same as I was this time. We deserve to be excited!

 

[Alligator]

100% true. Me being anxious over this pregnancy and worried will not change the outcome. I have zero control over that. So, I can choose to be miserable and worried or I can choose to be happy. Of course it isn't that easy, to just say 'I'm happy!' and really feel it. But, repeating that to myself everyday and reminding myself of my facts (I am pregnant, my past is not my future, the odds are in my favour, I saw a heartbeat, etc etc) helps, and everyday I feel a little more confident.

 

[Alligator]

And I will add I felt strongly as soon as we found out we were pregnant again that I wanted to be excited for this baby...that he/she deserved that. I didn't want to look back and have regret that I wasn't as excited for this little one as I was for my first.

 

[elmum]

How exciting, Alli!

Sorry about AF elmum but good news about O, always good to know your body is getting back on track.

AFM - I had a scan this am! All looked good, baby measured right on time, 163bpm. To say I was relieved is an understatement!

 

[elmum]

Wonderful, Mom15 !

I’m so sorry Elmum, but like the other ladies said so good to hear you Oed. Fx for this next cycle.

All is well here. He was 157 today. Had a fourth sono today, because once again my doc couldn’t find the heartbeat. Probably because of the fibroid. So relieved baby was alive and well. And I love my ob for getting me a scan right away for my sanity.

 

[elmum]

Welcome Sherri and Sammie
So sorry for your losses...
this is a great place for support and encouragement.

 

[sherii]

Hi elmum! I am blown away by how supportive this community is in general. I'm glad to be here.

alli, saying that he/she deserves your excitement really resonated. It's so very true. It drives home the fact that each pregnancy is new and individual. In life I (probably most people?) try to let the past stay in the past. To learn lessons from experiences, but not bring pain forward to new experiences. For example, not letting the pain or issues from a previous partner affect a new relationship. As well as letting myself have the time to recover from the pains of one relationship before starting another. The same reasoning can be applied here - let yourself have time to grieve, learn the lessons presented, let go, and if it's something you still want, open yourself up to trying again.

 

[Alligator]

Absolutely sherii. Don't get me wrong I still have moments...we have a little stone and butterfly we received from a memorial for pregnancy loss DH and I attended and it's really special, I still touch it all the time and think about our loss. But it's hard to reconcile...the baby I'm carrying now (and the love I already feel is REAL and strong) would not be, at all, if the baby I carried this summer was still here. It is impossible for those two souls to exist in the physical world simultaneously. That's a real mind warp, to deal with...

My mother told me something incredibly profound when I was going through my miscarriage. She miscarried between my two sisters...I was about 5 at the time. I was really upset that people told me 'everything happens for a reason' (never say this to someone grieving...sometimes the reason is that life isn't fair, although I do firmly believe that there's a plan for my life and my family, and God is in control, it's just hard to give up that control yourself...). I just felt like there was no reason this had to happen to me...why!?

My mother told me 'I know honey...I didn't know the reason for my miscarriage, until I held your sister in my arms...she was my reason.' My parents would never have conceived her if their third pregnancy (the loss) had been successful. They would have been done. And once you hold a sweet life you created, how can you ever have regrets for how things turned out? She was the reason...it hit me really hard. I know I will hold my 'reason' someday soon, and it all might make more sense. Not that I will ever get over losing our first babe, it will still be a little scar on my heart and a loss, but I will have some peace. My mom still cries talking about her miscarriage and it was 25 years ago.

 

[thencomesbebe]

Alli you're making me tear up ❤

 

[Alligator]

Haha sorry, pregnancy makes me sentimental

 

[thencomesbebe]

I love it ❤

 

[karoolia]

Just to give everyone a slightly different perspective, please don't feel bad if you worry about future pregnancies (before or after a bfp). Alli is right and I absolutely agree that every pregnancy should be celebrated, BUT I really struggled for weeks with accepting that things might go differently this time. People loved to tell me that I should enjoy my pregnancy (they made the assumption that my worry meant I wasn't happy, which was false). After announcing I felt tremendous pressure to be sunshine and rainbows about it all, but I just couldn't just yet and the guilt over my own feelings made everything much worse.

So if you get your bfp and can't quite celebrate by shouting from the rooftops on day one, just know that it's ok, you'll get there, but we all need to deal with emotions in our own way. Feeling nervous or apprehensive absolutely does not mean that you are not overjoyed for the new life you are growing.

Maybe I should have waited longer before trying again, but for me, accepting the loss wasn't the hard part. I have had lots of loss in my life and I knew how to cope. the hard part was finding optimism when the same situation presented itself and I was powerless to do anything differently. It shocked me how difficult it was and I needed time to process. It wasn't something I had expected. I wish someone had told me it was ok to feel however I needed to feel.

 

[Alligator]

^^ Yes I second what karoolia said. Whatever reaction you have is totally normal. Internally I was a mess about this pregnancy (still am sometimes) but externally I'm positivity and excitement because I'm making a conscious choice to put that into the universe. But not everyone wants to/is able to/feels comfortable doing that. Feel however you feel.

It's definitely hard to let go of control and realize you have no say in something so huge and significant happening in your life and in your body. It's scary.

 

[loves_cookies]

Karoolia and Alli you've both put your feelings across so well. I have felt guilty since losing Alexander that we didn't shout about him from the rooftop whilst we had a chance, however next time I don't think I'll do anything differently and I very much doubt we'll make a pregnancy announcement at all.

People have said everything happens for a reason so many times to me over the last few weeks, it makes me want to punch them in the face at the moment. Why on earth would anyone think that's a comforting thing to say to people in our position is beyond me! I might also still be in the anger stage of grief.

AF has arrived, exactly 28 days later just like my first loss. I thought/hoped it would take longer to return this time so we'd be nearly at the appointment so it didn't feel like ww were waiting so much. I'm okay with aitting this cycle out, I think more physical and emotional healing needs to happen (and I took some nasty drugs to dry up my milk which say to wait 1 month before TTC) but the January cycle will be much harder to wait, especially since if my appointment could be at the end of Jan.