Looking for TTC buddies

[ricschick]

Cookie that has got to be the most stupidest and insensitive thing to say!! I'd feel like punching them too!!! I'm glad your af has returned but it must be bitter sweet xxxx

For me I see now how I took my last 5 pregnancies for granted as I was pretty much carefree as the worst hadn't happened so when I had a mmc it really shocked me and I felt like my body was broken and I felt like a fraud! Getting our new bfp was such a relief but stress fest at the same time and tbo I still worry now but it is getting easier to relax now and I'm starting to enjoy this pregnancy like I should. X

 

[sherii]

cookie, I'm sorry that you lost Alexander. It doesn't make it easier by any means, but I'm sure no one is saying 'it happens for a reason' and whatnot with the intent of causing pain. It's my experience that mostly no one knows exactly what to say or do when you tell them you've lost a pregnancy. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, sometimes more so for the person you're telling. It's not an easy topic, and it's not something that people really ever talk about openly, at least in my experience. It's hard. Very hard. There's no pamphlet for this sort of thing, and it's ok to feel angry for as long as you need to.

I don't think you took 5 healthy pregnancies for granted. Losing a pregnancy is the unlikely outcome, not a healthy birth. Enjoying five pregnancies is something you will have forever, and I want that for all of us. I want to say 'don't worry, everything will be fine next time, you'll be able to relax and enjoy, blah blah' but the reality is that all of us have lost a sense of innocence about the whole process. We might not waddle through our next pregnancies with the same blissful naivety, but that doesn't have to stop us from enjoying it in a different way. And perhaps to appreciate and be grateful for a healthy pregnancy so much more for having had the loss.

And yea, Ali said it well.. sometimes the only reason it happens is that life can be harsh and unfair. But also that we will know the reason when we hold our babies. When the loss is early it's easy to assume that there was a severe abnormality that caused spontaneous abortion of the pregnancy. And knowing that, it's a way for me to wrap my head around it. I had an unhealthy embryo, and my body miscarried to make room for a healthy one. Still horribly unfair, but somehow a small comfort as well.

 

[sherii]

i'd also like to add in response to ricschick, that I felt like a fraud as well. I wonder now if I somehow knew intuitively that something was wrong. I would tell people, or someone would ask how I felt or whatever, and I would talk about feeling pretty good and not being sick, and think about or muse about having a baby next summer, and none of it felt like it was actually going to happen. I had an ultrasound booked just after christmas at 10 weeks, and I was convinced there would be no heartbeat, or no baby altogether. I was half certain the whole thing was a joke, or that something else was happening in my body to mimic pregnancy. I felt like I was pretending, almost. And then I miscarried, and I wondered if I knew what was coming all along. And if, since this was my first pregnancy, I'll feel different when it happens again and is viable.

 

[Alligator]

Oh sherii I think that's just grief, messing with your emotions. It has such power over us. Some women do say they just had a feeling something wasn't right but it's hard to say or truly know...hugs. And yes people are terrible at responding to grief, and everyone who told me 'it happens for a reason' meant it kindly and sweetly but really...don't say that! Just say 'I am so sorry this happened to you.' And that's really all you need to say. Or maybe offer to bake a casserole!

 

[karoolia]

You know, I think on some level a lot of women do have an idea when something is wrong. With my first pregnancy that I miscarried, I was convinced something was wrong. I had no reason to be, but I was certain. I even researched missed miscarriages. I was comforted reading that they were less common, and tried to convince myself i was being paranoid, but I just knew. After my spotting, they checked my HCG level and it was right where it should be. I remember thinking I should feel relieved, but I was just confused instead because I knew something was wrong. I would have been (pleasantly) shocked if there had been a heartbeat when we went for the ultrasound.

With this pregnancy, despite all the worry and fear, I felt much more confident from day one. I didn't have super strong symptoms (felt sick, but never threw up), but it didn't concern me much. I don't know why. I was super paranoid of another loss, but even though I kept telling myself not to get my hopes up, I couldn't help this feeling that things were going right this time.

I have no idea if I actually 'knew' either time. Maybe it was just paranoia the first time then optimism to protect myself this time, but I really have felt like there was a difference between how I felt in each pregnancy.

 

[karoolia]

not that you ever really know, of course.

 

[ricschick]

i'd also like to add in response to ricschick, that I felt like a fraud as well. I wonder now if I somehow knew intuitively that something was wrong. I would tell people, or someone would ask how I felt or whatever, and I would talk about feeling pretty good and not being sick, and think about or muse about having a baby next summer, and none of it felt like it was actually going to happen. I had an ultrasound booked just after christmas at 10 weeks, and I was convinced there would be no heartbeat, or no baby altogether. I was half certain the whole thing was a joke, or that something else was happening in my body to mimic pregnancy. I felt like I was pretending, almost. And then I miscarried, and I wondered if I knew what was coming all along. And if, since this was my first pregnancy, I'll feel different when it happens again and is viable.

I felt the same way!! At my booking in appointment the mw would tell me about up and coming appointments but in the back of my mind I somehow knew o wouldn't make them. X

 

[sherii]

That’s so strange that all three of us had this inkling that something was up. It’s hard to say if it’s intuition or not, but I’d be lying if I say I don’t hope I feel different.

Karoolia I also researched missed miscarriage. I got comfort knowing that the number of women who have them is small, but it still wasn’t enough to feel totally confident. I’m glad to know that you did feel different, if only intuitively. I hope that I’m the same.

 

[loves_cookies]

I never saw myself bringing home a baby this time. I haven't admitted to anyone in real life but I was looking at myself in the mirror the day before Alexander was born and thought I was going to lose the pregnancy. Now I wonder if it was a sign even though I didn't really have any symptoms except what I thought was extra discharge. I didn't feel like that with my first loss though so figured it was part and parcel of being pregnant after loss. I also know that had I taken home a baby in March I wouldn't be giving that feeling a second thought, but now i'm wondering if I could have done something earlier and prevented it. The Dr's say probably not and I would have been 24 weeks tomorrow which just highlights how far short I was to getting a remotely positive outcome.

When I was discharged from hospital my Dr wrote to primary mental health and asked that my counselling referral be expedited (I'm still on the waiting list from July). They written to me now and said they've actioned it but it will still be 6-10 weeks before I hear from the counsellor?! I know the whole NHS is under funded, but I just think that's a such a poor response to something as important as mental health.

 

[karoolia]

I'm so sorry cookies. If it helps at all, I don't think there is anything you could have done differently. You didn't know what was going on. I'm sure approaching that 24 week mark must be painful. I will be thinking about you.

As for mental health services, I'm sad to say it is bad in a lot of places. I asked to be referred to someone back home once (Canada so we also have publicly funded health care as well). I was told the shortest wait was 6 months and that was if I was ok seeing a social worker. I ended up moving to the states before the 6 months was up so I never got to see anyone. Now that I'm here I could get in quickly, but at a price so I'm not sure if that is any better. It seems you either wait forever or you are blocked by inability to pay. It breaks my heart because mental health is something that should be taken care of right away so that problems don't worsen.

 

[Alligator]

It’s so awful. I must have been lucky. When I miscarried they have systems in place and put me in touch with a counsellor (if I needed it) right away. It was part of the early pregnancy loss unit, which im realizing not everyone has.

Additionally I have wonderful work benefits and access to local mental health services for free, within days. It’s so sad that mental health is not treated as importantly as physical health in so many places.

 

[karoolia]

Where I'm from, it's mainly a recruitment issue. We are low on our numbers for most health care provides, but especially mental health. I think there are maybe only two psychologists and 2 or 3 psychiatrists in the area. With the next closest being a 3 hour drive away. They are always trying to recruit, but our area doesn't have a lot of jobs for spouses so not many people choose to move there. Everyone retires to the area though which means we have lots of need for every kind of provider and very few providers available.

 

[Alligator]

That’s so awful, I can see the bind. It just really sucks for people in need!

 

[ricschick]

Girls I'm team pink!!! 💗💗

 

[karoolia]

Girls I'm team pink!!! ����

Congrats!!! Yay for a baby girl

PS I just entered third tri - super excited to have made it this far!

 

[loves_cookies]

Yay for team pink! Though how'd you get to 17 weeks already?!

 

[Alligator]

Aw yay rics so exciting!!

 

[Spiffynoodles]

Yay for team pink, Rics! Hopefully I'll be joining you there.

Karoolia, congrats on hitting third tri!

 

[Spiffynoodles]

On the subject of "just knowing," I definitely had a strong feeling something was wrong last time. I even sent my husband this message before I had my first ultrasound. Mothers intuition is very strong sometimes.

 

[karoolia]

Spiffy, my DH and I had very similar conversations. I had one day of light spotting, which had concerned him, but when it cleared up he was optimistic again. Every time I mentioned feeling something was wrong he would ask if I was spotting again, when I said no he never knew quite what to say, other than to tell me to be hopeful.