Lousy grandfather

[Hope22]

My husband's father is being a real jerk. He has seen Darwin twice in the last year - once was just after Darwin was born, the other time was at about six months (and he was here for literally 5-10 minutes and stood by the door). He and his girlfriend live a few hours away, so I understand that they can't come too often, but their behaviour lately has been really hurtful and I'm so sad I needed to vent and get things off my chest.

About two weeks ago my hubby's aunt was down visiting my father in law and his girlfriend, and they said they had a Christmas card for her to bring to us (she's spending Christmas day with us). She asked if they had a birthday card for Darwin, because his birthday is on December 20th. They said no, so she asked if they wanted to stop and get one (hint, hint). They said 'no, maybe we'll just call them.' On his birthday they didn't call, visit, give him a card, or a present. They didn't even acknowledge his first birthday. He's my FIL's only grandchild, and the man can't even be bothered to pick up a phone.

We got the Christmas card today, it's a generic card, the same one I'm sure they sent to everyone else on their list. They signed it, but didn't write anything special, and our gift was cash (and not much either!) Yes, they got us something but god, you think for their grandson's first real Christmas (last year he was only 5 days old and just 24h out of the NICU) they'd at least TRY to get him a present and write something nice in the card.

I mentioned earlier to someone in the family that they could at least call us, or chat with us on the computer - I said we have a little video camera we could send, and then we could see each other on the computer while we chat. That's when I got REALLY upset - she told me that they already have a camera on the computer, and spend hours each week talking to my FIL's girlfriend's family. Wow.

I'm angry, not for us but for Darwin. He has three wonderful grandparents - my parents and my hubby's mom - but I think it's awful his grandfather doesn't even care about him. He's only going to be this age once, and they're missing out on him growing up. I know that it's the girlfriend's doing, she's insanely jealous and doesn't want him talking to anyone that has anything to do with his ex. I think it's pathetic that my FIL can't grow a spine and tell her that he has a right to see his grandson (and his son and daughter in law for that matter) - we were close before she came along, nothing has changed except this woman coming into his life.

I very much want to call/write him and tell him how I feel, but my hubby thinks it's a lost cause. It's cast a shadow on our Christmas, and that makes me really sad, but I know he's right.

 

[FreeFallin]

Hi Hope,

I'm new here, so I hope it's ok that I jump in and give my opinion. I agree with your husband. It probably is a lost cause. You can't really change anyone but yourself. I would try to focus on the three wonderful grandparents your son DOES have and not on the one lousy one. The one who is really missing out is the grandpa. Maybe you could snail mail him pictures on occasion, so he can see what he is missing. It is really sad that his girlfriend is so insecure that she would be threatened by a man's son, his wife and his baby.

I am sorry he is treating you this way, but I wouldn't pick up the phone. The girlfriend would probably just use that as ammunition against you guys anyway. Be the bigger person, and hopefully Grandpa will grow up and realize what he is missing. If not, it's his loss and Darwin is really lucky to have two parents and three grandparents who adore him.

 

[Duffy]

I'm so sorry that must be very hurtful (hugs) its a lost cause and wouldn't do any good, I too experinced something simlar. Trust me I would LOVE to write a email expressing my boyfriends mom rudeness but its just as much as a lost cause and would only create a fued.

Don't let him ruin your Christmas, ours is not going to be ruined either, mega hugs.

 

[JShaw]

I'm in a similar situation too. My MIL is nearly 3 hours away and she's never once visited or picked up the phone to see how our LO (her first and only grandchild) is doing. She used to act so excited to finally have a grandchild, but now has completely ignored us. We've sent her pics after the first month, and then gave her a small album with more pics as a Christmas gift. She gave us, including LO, money as a gift because she couldn't be bothered shopping for us. Although, when we popped in at her place last weekend we noticed other gifts lined up for others she had yet to wrap (WTH?!?!). I think I'm more bothered by her behaviour than OH.

*Hugs* - I know it's difficult to see such a close family member ignore a small baby like that when everyone else showers them with love. I'm beginning to think it's a lost cause too. It's her loss though really.

 

[Eala]

I can see why you are hurt. However, I wouldn't give him (and his girlfriend) the satisfaction of you being upset about it. He has made his choices, and obviousy isn't interested in being part of your son's life. Your OH seems resigned to this fact, and you might find that you are happier if you can find a way to get into that mindset too.

Your FIL isn't likely to suddenly change his ways, and all you're going to do is make yourself unhappy if you keep trying to force the situation. Your LO has 3 lovely grandparents, and 2 wonderful parents who love him very much. Concentrate on those positives, and don't let this idiot spoil your day, or any other day.

 

[Hope22]

Thank you all for the replies, and the support. We had a great Christmas day together and Darwin behaved like an angel. Hubby and I talked about things tonight and we both agree that even though it hurts there's nothing we can do, we'll just let it go and enjoy the family members that want to be part of our lives - it's not worth pursuing a relationship my FIL so obviously doesn't want, so we're just going to leave things be. I think the good part is that at least Darwin is very young and doesn't know him, so he's not missing anything and he's not feeling hurt. He's a fantastic kid (if I do say so myself, lol) and my FIL has no idea what he's missing out on.

 

[Eala]

I'm really glad that you had such a good day, and that you've found a way to feel happier about things. Just from your profile I pic I totally concur that Darwin is a fabby kid - I absolutely love his pose and facial expression

Have a Happy New Year with your family (the ones who matter!)