Love,Patience,& Support-Staying tgther until all preggo! 14BFPs! 2 Twins 4 angels

[Yumenoinu]

Dont worry sally! I have pretty bad luck myself. It would take a long time to tell you everything that has happened to me just in the last 4 years. But just keep your chin up, and see if you could get a loan from a short term loan or maybe borrow from family and pay them back when you can. Fingers crossed things work out for you!!!

Trying - you still need to eat veggies and fruits. you can get more of their nutrients from the exact source. also hun, I don't see your chart :/ I just see a ticker with your CD but no chart.

 

[ja123]

Ugh, how frustrating Sally! Hope it ends up working out for you guys.

Bump - you mentioned hearing the heartbeats on a doppler - are you using at at-home one that you like? If so, what brand? I've thought about getting one but couldn't decide if it would be worth it or how well most would work.

 

[BabyBumpAhead]

Sal - So sorry. Things will turn around for you two soon...they have to.

Ja - It's a Sonoline B. It works really well, bought it used for $40. At 20 wks you should be able to hear it on most home dopplers.

 

[ja123]

Thanks Bump!

 

[Cilnia]

Speaking of bump... any one bumps already ?

I have a massive bloat... i'm afraid to show it to you..lol

 

[sallyhansen76]

Well, its a def no for the house.
I feel destroyed and that ttc is even further away. I feel like my only motivational thing in my life has again been ripped from me. I know im being melodramatic. but I want a family...oh doesnt want to ttc...i wanted that house (otherwise we cant afford many others that are that good for that price) ripped from me. Im just in this place right now that i have NO idea what to focus on. What goal to orient myself with. I cant let go of this baby dream and wanting it NOW but i cant force OH either...HOW do we win?! i cant focus on marriage..he hasnt asked...cant focus on a house because others we cant afford until later....UHHHHHH i ve never felt so empty and uninspired in my whole life. Oh wants me to deal with this loss because i am in 1000 pieces but i just dont know HOW.

 

[LouiseSix]

Hi Sal, I understand that feeling, when you don't have something you're working towards.

Do you have anything else like somthing in your career you want to achieve? Or your personal life? What are you interests/job?

 

[sallyhansen76]

All i ve ever had for over a year is a baby. In my employment i ve as high as i could go (only 2 bosses ahead of me) and other than advancing in life (goals such as marriage, house and kids) i ve never had any real objections. Im oblivious as to what to do now and i think thats a really big issue here :S

 

[Laura617]

Oh sally, I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I've had those moments where you just feel lost and don't know what direction to turn because every option just looks like a dead end. I wish there was something to say or do to make it better, I do believe this will pass though and you will be stronger for it.
I also want to add that I thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. You mentioned if you got the house OH had said you could probably TTC again? That makes me think he is getting there quicker then expected because while the house may have been the focus point for that the fact is if he was willing to there then there is no reason emotionally he cant where u are now.

As for dealing with your loss, everyone handles these things differently and you can't rush yourself into dealing with it because whatever stage you are in now, even if you are in pieces, is your current way of dealing. Im not trying to make this sound like a guilt trip for him but have you tried talking to OH and telling him you feel TTC would be the best way of dealing as it gives you something positive to focus on?

 

[sallyhansen76]

Thanks Laura, yes I have tried talking to him...and here is the SHOCKER. Which has dug me far into the dumps. Oh told me he actually never wanted to ttc. That he allowed it for the belief that it was impossible for him!!!!!!! He said he was never ready for kids just wanted us to 'have it both ways' because i wanted to try to concieve and he wasnt ready.
So after all this, he is sad, and hurt, and scared for me, but he also is relieved because he said he didnt feel ready and def doesnt want to concieve!

So this whole time it was ALL crap... i was hoping and praying and the whole time he allowed it because he thought it didnt matter. How dare he play with my emotions like this...and now we ve been through all this and now i have to wait AGAIN! uhhhhh im so dissappointed in how he handled this...and how it is now. even if he wasnt ready then i would have hoped becoming a father when i was preg would ahev opened his eyes to that he IS ready...

So in short im not ttc anytime soon, and as for ttc if we had the house, its his way of tilting the scales on his side of perhaps being ready...but still not there yet (which he told me last night after the house didnt pull through)

 

[Laura617]

Omg I don't even know what to say here and I really hope I don't offend you but I would be pissed! That just seems a cruel thing to do, I mean I'm glad he can be honest but if my DH had told me he never wanted to concieve and felt relieve at our loss I don't know what I would do.

I was open from the beginning with my DH about wanted kids and if he didn't he needed to speak up rather then waste my time. Not that I rushed him, we were together 7 years before our first.

I know it's different for men and they don't adjust the same and are often not as excited until the baby actually arrives but it's not fair for him to have all the power right now.

 

[sallyhansen76]

Exactly, and the house didnt go through ebcause he decided to change careers so hes at school now (finishing in august) so we have to wait until he starts his job and has been there 3 months before being approved. His other job is a contract so they dont want to use it at the bank.
I cant have kids until he is ready...cant grieve because it makes him feel pressured because he feels the only thing he can do to help is change his mind (which he doesnt want to)
I cant get married because i have to wait for him to ask....

I feel like all im doing is waiting for him!!! i love him but my goodness this is painful!

I just feel hopeless, and so so alone.

 

[Laura617]

Just out of curiosity does he think he will every be ready or is he just trying to keep you happy? I'm sorry because I know that sounded bad but I woul ask my oh the same question and it seems like he needs to be completely honest about what he wants. He also needs to realize there are two people in this relationship and that what you want/need is important too.

 

[sallyhansen76]

He really does want kids, i see that when we are with others and when we talk about the future. But he just doesnt feel ready now. He doesnt feel secure enough. I ve tried arguing that most fathers dont have the maternal instinct so until the day arrives, he wont be ready....didnt work

 

[Laura617]

Well at least he does want kids. It's hard to be on two different time lines. My DH didn't feel ready the first time either but I sat him down and made him tell me everything that made him uncertain then addressed all the issues and came up with a reasonable timeline. When we first started he still was uncertain but admitted he didn't think that would change and he needed to just take the leap. It took about a year of TTC talk before he decided to try. Thought he would have a panic attack when we caught the first time. And he was nervous throughout but once the baby is here its completely different. Men always need to look for the perfect time to have a kid and as I finally convinced my DH there is never a perfect time, there will always be something that could stand in the way but at some point he has decide if this is what he wants then he just needs to take the leap.

I really wish I could give you something to brighten your day. I think everything you are feeling right now is valid and you have a right to grieve even if it makes him pressures

 

[LouiseSix]

Oh Sal, you're right to be angry here I think. He hasn't been honest with you and it does seem like he's holding all the cards. My DH did something similar with me - we'd agreed to start ttc as soon as we got married then about 6 months before wedding he decided that he wouln't be ready for about 5 years! Needless to say I was very angry. Managed to negotiate him down to 2 years.

Anyway we got married and my need to become a mum just got stronger and so I told him (just 2 months after getting married and just a couple of weeks after moving from a 1bed to a 2 bed home) and then he said he was ready to start! Men can be strange. To me they just seem to live very much in the present and really don't seem to think abou the future in the same we we stress and obsess about it (sweeping generalisation, I know!) For my DH it was like he couldn't imagine having a baby when we lived in our 1 bed flat even though we knew we would be moving. Then once we had moved he was ready!

Take some time to think. Grieve for your baby. Maybe once you feel emotionally stronger your DH will be ready. Do you think that could be holding him back too?

 

[Cilnia]

Wow that is just shocking... In really shocked. Didn't expect this. I can understand how hurt you must feel atm.. I would be sooo disappointed.. I don't even know what to advice or say!

 

[Yumenoinu]

Sal - I don't want to overstep my boundaries or say something that may offend you, so if I do PLEASE forgive me! I'm sort of a blunt person, but wow what a jerk! If my DH did that to me, truthfully (and this would have been me) for saying that he just SAID that and he was RELIEVED about that situation, I think I'd punch him in the face and file for divorce! I've been mistreated so many times in SO many different relationships, and this just might be me being an impulsive, angry person but I have learned to not take that kind of stuff from anyone. I'm also that type of person to stand up for people even if I don't know the person, and sadly I would have some choice words for your OH. but all I can say is how sorry I feel for you right now. And I'm sorry I'm coming off harsh, I've lived a hard life and kind of get ticked off easily when I hear these kinds of things. But I think as an advice, and I COMPLETELY understand why you are hurt, and why you want the house with the white-picket fence dream, but I think you gotta focus on you and your OH at this time. I'm glad he wants kids, that's terrific, but i think it's just going to hurt you more with him killing your dreams like this. I suggest couples counseling. It may help him to get over this fear, and for him to communicate better. I dunno what else to suggest other than that. I hope things turn out for the best for both of you! it's such a rough time, I think we all just want you to be happier Sally!

 

[sallyhansen76]

Thanks ladies, I appreciate all your comments and support. Yum dont worry lol i ve called him more than an ass myself. But i can call him and hit him all i want, wont change what happen and i wouldnt leave him. We always use comprimises to solve our problems, which in this case of me wanting to start ttc he thought this would be the case. He tried, but holy hell he isnt that brilliant or did he think of the consequences. I admit he should have dont it differently.
As for being relieved ya, it pissed me off, but if it were me, id probably feel the same. We have to keep in mind that he wasnt ready, was scared and that he wasnt carrying the baby so didnt feel as much of a connection. But i do know he cared and still cares, he is the one who wanted to do the frame and the memorial.
I still feel like if we robbed a bank and bought a nice house tomorrow he would be more in control of his situation and would be ready...but for now until we can get a nice house with space...its a no go. :S

 

[Laura617]

I agree with yum. I think counciling would be a good idea for both of you.
And Hun I have no doubt that there is love. I really hope you both can get through this and end up where you both want to be.
I'm like yum, I am rather quick to anger in these situations plus I am really great at holding a grudge so I would probably have lost my temper and left as well but I don't really suggest that. I am sure there are things that can you through and really look into the counciling.