LTTTC and feeling alone... lets get together.

[BobDog]

so for the past year i've been feeling lonely and alienated from the "normal" fertile folk.. not to mention a alienated from my friends and family. they just don't get it, but it's not their fault. i've even been feeling alienated from my husband. he is a wonderful lovely man, but i don't think he feels it as much as i do. and i don't think i can bend his ear without him switching off. i know he wants it as much as i do but he can only talk about it so much before the man listening switch goes off...

now i know that there are a couple of others on here that feel the same, so i figured why don't we get together?!

we all feel lonely at times, but it doesn't have to be like that. if more than one person feels what you feel then you are not alone. especially when it comes to LTTTC, with all the heartache you feel someone else feels the same. why not support each other and be a friend when we need it most.

 

[Armywife84]

Normal fertile folk are everywhere!

I wish I had some sort of support in my daily life (there's incredible virtual support). After you switch off your laptop, it gets quite lonely. I'm so jealous of those LTTCers who can lean on their DH or have family who's equally as supporting .

What kind of thread do you have in mind, Bo?

 

[BobDog]

Normal fertile folk are everywhere!

I wish I had some sort of support in my daily life (there's incredible virtual support). After you switch off your laptop, it gets quite lonely. I'm so jealous of those LTTCers who can lean on their DH or have family who's equally as supporting .

What kind of thread do you have in mind, Bo?

as for what sort of thread... say you are having a tough day... feeling like you have no-one you can talk it through with, but you want to talk till you're blue in the face but want to talk some more. then there are going to be people here in the same boat so we all listen to each other. even though it's all virtual, it's still support and it's still helping you realise you're not on your own. it doesn't all have to be about infertility, because sometimes we have a good day with infertility, but a crappy day at work or a fall out with a friend or OH.

i'm hoping it's going to be a group where we all get to know each other and become freinds, add each other on facebook and support each other in day to day crappiness of LTTTC.

i know there is a buddies thread somewhere, but this is going to be solely for LTTTC'ers who have a hard time dealing with it and lack a good support network at home.

 

[No Doubt]

So glad you thought of this Bobdog. I think it's a wonderful idea and I'm all ready to be a buddy to people that feel this way.

I used to feel this way A LOT, and to be honest sometimes still do, but my former pastor wrote this book called Songs of Solomon: Love, Sex and Relationships (Jeffrey A Johnson, Sr) and I read it by myself and got a really good understanding about the differences in men and women. I actually just ordered it today for my and the hubbs to read together and do the workbook to help us in understanding each other and developing our marriage.

It's so easy to become one sided. I recently realized that in this infertile journey I got so caught up with how I feel, I forgot that there was someone else there that was feeling a certain way about not having a child as well. And yes we know they want it as bad as we do, but like you said, they don't show/express themselves like we do. I always say my husband gives the "manswer"...the "sure, ok, yeah, that's cool" answer that doesn't really say anything...lol.

I think it's true that you can't "bend his ear" without him shutting down or keeping quiet. What I will say I learned...from reading the book...is that men only use say 15,000 words a day where women use say 200,000 words a day. I can't remember the exact quotes he used in the book, but the point is, men have a much smaller daily vocabulary than women do. He said when a man comes home and you ask how his day was and he says "fine" that's really all he has to say, but the woman expects more...a story, like we give when asked the same question. I tend to think that all conversation between men and women are this way and that's why I can go for hours about infertility, but my hubby just has a few words.

So I like the idea of being able to talk to someone else who has a million words like I do...lol.

 

[sedgeez]

Can i join? Ive been TTC for 1 yr and half (NTNP for about 6 months beforehand) and had mc last August. my OH is wonderful, but he is a man, and as you say, they switch off
im not close with my family either so i cant talk to them about it, i only have a few friends who i talk to but they both have children, and tbh they dont understand how hard it is as one got preg by accident and the other straight away. its really been getting me down atm and i think this thread is brilliant so you dont feel so alone

 

[BobDog]

So glad you thought of this Bobdog. I think it's a wonderful idea and I'm all ready to be a buddy to people that feel this way.

I used to feel this way A LOT, and to be honest sometimes still do, but my former pastor wrote this book called Songs of Solomon: Love, Sex and Relationships (Jeffrey A Johnson, Sr) and I read it by myself and got a really good understanding about the differences in men and women. I actually just ordered it today for my and the hubbs to read together and do the workbook to help us in understanding each other and developing our marriage.

It's so easy to become one sided. I recently realized that in this infertile journey I got so caught up with how I feel, I forgot that there was someone else there that was feeling a certain way about not having a child as well. And yes we know they want it as bad as we do, but like you said, they don't show/express themselves like we do. I always say my husband gives the "manswer"...the "sure, ok, yeah, that's cool" answer that doesn't really say anything...lol.

I think it's true that you can't "bend his ear" without him shutting down or keeping quiet. What I will say I learned...from reading the book...is that men only use say 15,000 words a day where women use say 200,000 words a day. I can't remember the exact quotes he used in the book, but the point is, men have a much smaller daily vocabulary than women do. He said when a man comes home and you ask how his day was and he says "fine" that's really all he has to say, but the woman expects more...a story, like we give when asked the same question. I tend to think that all conversation between men and women are this way and that's why I can go for hours about infertility, but my hubby just has a few words.

So I like the idea of being able to talk to someone else who has a million words like I do...lol.

lol! the "Manswer" - so true.

although my hubby is a talker... he could talk 24/7 about cars, oil rigs and his job. When he's at work he gabbles on about me, the dog, cars and work! he tends to hush up when things get deep. he spends a long time thinkign about things then he'll come out with a two word answer.
sometimes i need to talk it through and find out what his reasons are behind his answer etc. i have to hound him before he'll say anything about his thought process. lol!

xx

 

[BobDog]

so i'll go first shall i?

i hate LTTTC. i hate feeling alone. i hate them both together cos it's like a double whammy! my DH works off-shore, so i'm home alone for 2 weeks, sometimes 3 weeks. while he's away we can't TTC (for obvious reasons) so i end up feeling like it's all a waste of time. my body is so broken i've only ovulated 14 times in 4 years!! and the quality of my eggs are so poor that i've had 9 M/C's.

my family as great as they are have never been able yo get their heads round the fact that it bothers me! they say, great! more money and time to yourselves and think of all the holidays you can have together etc etc. i'm sat there thinking... are you for real?!!! i would give it all up for one child. there's no telling where my limit's are if it involved the prospect of a child at the end of it. BUT trying to get my family to understand that! it's like climbing everest on shoes make out of butter.

my hubby has been great, he'll let me vent at him, cry, shout and scream at him, and still be there to hug me. but i can't let myself do that because i fear that one day he'll have enough and go off and find some bimbo that'll sprout out any number of kids for him. in my lowest days i've said to him that it's ok for him to leave me because i'm not much of a woman, i wouldn't hold it against him etc etc. i never really wanted him to leave be but i didn't want to be the reason he's not a daddy yet and may never be. that's how low i can feel when LTTTC. i told my mum this and she laughed and said "you shouldn't be attention seeking like that, because he might just take you up on that offer one day"

i could go on for pages and pages but i'm going to save some for later... lol!

 

[BobDog]

Can i join? Ive been TTC for 1 yr and half (NTNP for about 6 months beforehand) and had mc last August. my OH is wonderful, but he is a man, and as you say, they switch off
im not close with my family either so i cant talk to them about it, i only have a few friends who i talk to but they both have children, and tbh they dont understand how hard it is as one got preg by accident and the other straight away. its really been getting me down atm and i think this thread is brilliant so you dont feel so alone

you are more than welcome.

 

[sedgeez]

Can i join? Ive been TTC for 1 yr and half (NTNP for about 6 months beforehand) and had mc last August. my OH is wonderful, but he is a man, and as you say, they switch off
im not close with my family either so i cant talk to them about it, i only have a few friends who i talk to but they both have children, and tbh they dont understand how hard it is as one got preg by accident and the other straight away. its really been getting me down atm and i think this thread is brilliant so you dont feel so alone

you are more than welcome.

thank you

im so sick of feeling alone, i can talk to my OH so much, but then i dont want him to get sick of me
he doesnt express himself like i do. and my family? well im not going to even go there
the one thing i will say though is my brother has a 8 yr old and doesnt appreciate him one bit, it makes me so mad.

its just nice to know theres people here that can relate and just listen

 

[BobDog]

thank you

im so sick of feeling alone, i can talk to my OH so much, but then i dont want him to get sick of me
he doesnt express himself like i do. and my family? well im not going to even go there
the one thing i will say though is my brother has a 8 yr old and doesnt appreciate him one bit, it makes me so mad.

its just nice to know theres people here that can relate and just listen

the point if the thread is to talk and be heard, and if you want opinions you can ask for them. i've had various problems with my family and it feels good to let rip sometimes. so give it a go and see how you feel.

since i started venting on here about family and friends, i've managed to stave off the worst of my anger and then felt able to go to them and say how i feel. sometimes they dismiss me but other times i get heard. i think it's all about the attitude i have when i go to them with my issue. and the thing to remember is that they go through things too.

 

[rosebud_01_99]

" in my lowest days i've said to him that it's ok for him to leave me because i'm not much of a woman, i wouldn't hold it against him etc etc. i never really wanted him to leave be but i didn't want to be the reason he's not a daddy yet and may never be. that's how low i can feel when LTTTC"

hi, i do exactly the same thing, i tell my dh to leave me and find another woman who can give him children, he replies to me that he dosnt want to have a baby or me he wants both, it just breaks my heart

 

[wannabemummyb]

Bobdog - totally awesome idea! I felt totally alone most the time, which is also hindered by the fact that i have a poor relationship with my mum.....will bore you with that story another day.
I also find it a little hard at times on this forum, i make friends with ltttc'ers and they go and get their bfp
Feeling really low today for a lot of reasons, but wanted to subscribe to this thread! Could really do with some decent ltttc friend (god how sad does that sound)

 

[sedgeez]

lost of hugs for everyone

 

[BobDog]

" in my lowest days i've said to him that it's ok for him to leave me because i'm not much of a woman, i wouldn't hold it against him etc etc. i never really wanted him to leave be but i didn't want to be the reason he's not a daddy yet and may never be. that's how low i can feel when LTTTC"

hi, i do exactly the same thing, i tell my dh to leave me and find another woman who can give him children, he replies to me that he dosnt want to have a baby or me he wants both, it just breaks my heart

I don't know if it's normal, or if thinking and saying that makes me a weirdo. but it really is heartbreaking that i can't give my husband children. and that he has to go through the pain of loosing babies. i know he feels it too. and it's pure pants that i can't do anything about it...

Bobdog - totally awesome idea! I felt totally alone most the time, which is also hindered by the fact that i have a poor relationship with my mum.....will bore you with that story another day.
I also find it a little hard at times on this forum, i make friends with ltttc'ers and they go and get their bfp
Feeling really low today for a lot of reasons, but wanted to subscribe to this thread! Could really do with some decent ltttc friend (god how sad does that sound)

thats what we're here for... sometimes you need a friend who just gets it. and no it's not sad, we are all in the same boat.

 

[No Doubt]

I've said this to my hubbs before too and he always says no of course, and I say how much I know he wants a child, well children, and he always says not at the expense of losing me. Am I really supposed to believe that? That I'm worth giving up the dream of having a child? Of course I would never want him to leave or force him out, and he would never leave willingly, so I guess the childless life it is for now. I just hate that this isn't happening for us. He has a low sperm count and I have pcos and an under active thyroid. Its gotten to the point where yes I want this so badly, but to be honest I want this so much more for him. I've even just recently started thinking about will our families ever hold their grandchildren or nieces/nephews.

But I still try to stay positive and keep moving forward with everything. We decided to take a small break which I'm probably enjoying a little to much...lol. Just from the docs and meds...much less stress probably because my hopes don't get as high. When I'm constantly at the docs and taking meds I expect something to happen every month where as I just wait and see. We were only going to wait till summer came, but I like the low level of stress. Plus I have 20 more lbs to lose and hubbs is working on himself. So maybe another few months and we'll be back full swing.

 

[No Doubt]

Sorry you're feeling down today wannabe, but we're all here for you. And I'm so sorry about the losses you ladies have been through. I've never had a loss so I can't even imagine what that feels like. Have the docs given you any reason for the subsequent losses?

 

[BobDog]

Sorry you're feeling down today wannabe, but we're all here for you. And I'm so sorry about the losses you ladies have been through. I've never had a loss so I can't even imagine what that feels like. Have the docs given you any reason for the subsequent losses?

I have severe PCOS, and insulin resistance. my ovaries are scarred so the egg doesn't always get out so a cyst forms. it can be really painful. and because the PCOS has warped my hormones my eggs are low quality. and so a pregnancy fails.

 

[sedgeez]

Sorry you're feeling down today wannabe, but we're all here for you. And I'm so sorry about the losses you ladies have been through. I've never had a loss so I can't even imagine what that feels like. Have the docs given you any reason for the subsequent losses?

with my mc the docs never gave me a reason, they didnt seem to concerned with it. at the time i thought it might of been due to stress as i had a massive argument with my brother the day before, but upon researching it, stress cant cause one. although i still believe it had something to do with it, but maybe thats because i haven't completely let go.

 

[Lily7]

This is a great idea, can I join too?

I too am guilty of suggesting the dh leaves me although I do Not want that to happen and he says that he only wants kids with me and if he can't have kids with me then he just wants me. But i do feel guilty because I feel it's all on me, he is perfect in every way, whereas me, I have pcos and an underactive thyroid and I don't have cycles and periods by myself at all. I am clomid resistant and am on another ovulation induction drug called tamox which sometimes makes me ovulate sometimes doesn't. I have only ovulated 4 times in the last 2 years and am currently on a waiting list for injections.

I like that we will all have a place we can come and talk openly with each other as a few people have said already, friends and family and in some aspects dh just don't understand.

 

[BobDog]

This is a great idea, can I join too?

I too am guilty of suggesting the dh leaves me although I do Not want that to happen and he says that he only wants kids with me and if he can't have kids with me then he just wants me. But i do feel guilty because I feel it's all on me, he is perfect in every way, whereas me, I have pcos and an underactive thyroid and I don't have cycles and periods by myself at all. I am clomid resistant and am on another ovulation induction drug called tamox which sometimes makes me ovulate sometimes doesn't. I have only ovulated 4 times in the last 2 years and am currently on a waiting list for injections.

I like that we will all have a place we can come and talk openly with each other as a few people have said already, friends and family and in some aspects dh just don't understand.

you're more than welcome lily.

i know the LTTTC forum is meant to be a safe haven but lately i've not felt that. it seems to have a number of people who aren't actually LTTTC'ing. some already pregnant, some who have children and popping in because they want to ask some questions etc... and that's great, but maybe removing tickers would be better. and not saying things that come across as patronizing.

i want this to be a thread for ONLY LTTTC'ers. you know.