My most difficult child

[Kiwiberry]

Deleted

 

[Kiwiberry]

Deleted

 

[noon_child]

I'm a little confused; you say your first daughter is a saint, but also that she doesn't share toys and has taught the younger one to push and hit...
Maybe it was just easier when there was just one of them and now there are two it is more stressful and has the added a dimension of how they interact with each other, rather than your second child being particularly 'difficult' (not saying she isn't, but that it might be a kind of 'standard 2yr old' difficult - which is bloody difficult - which you would have been able to deal with if it were just her but now you have the relationship between the two of them to handle and all the bickering and fighting that involves).

I also note that you say "My 4yo is very sensitive, so she's still learning how to handle her very strong emotions (she gets it from me)". Could I suggest that because you recognise the emotional struggles in your eldest you are more sympathetic to them, but perhaps because your 2yr old displays her emotions in a different way (one that isn't so much like yourself) you find it harder to recognise that she too is struggling to handle strong emotions. You see it more as 'being difficult' as if she is deliberately winding you up, whereas your eldest is just 'sensitive'. All children are sensitive, and your 2yr old is also struggling with the lists on her communication skills which must be so frustrating. I'm not trying to blame here - it is totally natural to feel more able to be sympathetic to people who are like us because we know how they feel. Just maybe something to reflect on and see if it is affecting how you react to their behaviours.

I've had similar where I've been knocked off balance by my daughters sudden 'bad' behaviour when previously I hadn't really had to have anything like "house rules" or specific consequences. I had to sit down and decide what was unacceptable behaviour, what the consequences would be, what I would let slide and negotiate and what I wouldn't. I also identified triggers (tiredness, hunger, worry).

Bath time sharing: So before the bath you could explain to them both, "You each get to take it in turns to pick 1 bath toy (up to 3 or 4 toys) and you can chose to share them with your sister, but you cannot take the others toy without asking". I don't like forcing sharing on to kids. I feel it is better that the sharing is limited (we have a shared group of toys that we pick from, but we don't have to give things we are playing with to others just because they asked, or are stronger than us, but we can be generous) - being generous should be praised not passively letting others have what they want at the expense of our joy.

Throwing things: I'd give your children (especially the youngest) a list of things she can do when frustrated (punch a cushion, throw a soft toy against a specific wall, squeeze a stress ball, and yes - unfortunately - scream, as long as its not in someones ear or face). Explain that if she throws one of her own toys, that toy will be taken away for x period of time. If she throws something that doesn't belong to her, or breaks something that isn't hers there will be x consequence (whatever you think is appropriate). You can't stop her tantrum as she is trying to communicate, you can only direct it in a way that is less damaging to the household and other people.

I hope this hasn't seemed judgmental - it isn't supposed to be - just observations from what you've written, from an outside perspective. I still have so many days when half way through trying to enforce a boundary or consequence I think "I have no idea what I am doing or what to do next" and end up regretting shouting. You sound very nurturing and a strong parent who will get through these tricky early years.

 

[Kiwiberry]

I am just going to delete my post. It's been misunderstood twisted up and used against me.

 

[noon_child]

Sorry that you feel that way.