My parenting journal through life and adoption!

[mommylov]

Im here!!!! And sooooooo happy for you!!!! Love!

 

[Mrs. Eddie]

Just found your new journal. I've been awful about getting on here since Ethan's been born but will try to check in once and awhile. Love seeing all your updates on FB

 

[tag74]

Well it's been awhile. Where have I been? LOL I'm not even sure.

Well needless to say, this past year was the worst and best year of my life. After losing Max and then having Evan enter our lives - well was overwhelmingly sad, wonderful and ... well a lot. I thought I was handling life well. I got a new job in November but not without some health scares in August and September. What I thought were heart attacks and trips to the ER...was actually grief that I hadn't processed yet. They were panic attacks which I never experienced before and from August to December I was dealing with fear and anxiety but feeling happy. So my brain was really giving itself mixed messages. I was ultimately diagnosed with PTSD.

So in an effort to rule out heart attacks and death - I started doing Yoga 5 days a week, therapy twice a week, medicine, meditation, iron, potassium...everything you could think of and well...my heart attacks started going away around early January. Who knew!

So right now all my doctors are trying to get me through April 14, Max's one year anniversary. The last two months I feel incredibly strong and healthy. I still cry. I still think of him. But I do feel incredibly whole with what I have. My husband put an angel baby statue under a tree in our backyard that is illuminated by lights at night. It oddly helped. I think my biggest fear is that Max would be forgotten. I know now that he won't.

Sooooooo how is everyone else? DH is amazing and really has been a great support - a lot through his humor, which well, we all need. And I love him for it.

S turned 17! Where has the time gone? She goes to prom next month and is looking at colleges. She really wants to be a hairdresser. But we just want her to go to a 4 year college first. She's completely on board and I'm really proud of her. She's doing really well...And is so good to me.

L is turning 4 in June! And she is my little sassy pants. She cracks me up and has a huge personality. She LOVES her brother, I found her in his crib this morning playing with him. She will definitely keep us on our toes.

E, well E, is the healing force in my life. He is the most amazing human being in this world. A lot of my guilt comes from loving him as much as I do but I realize my heart has love for all my children, including Max. I can't explain it but I feel like he was made for our family. There is this energy around him that defies what you might think of adoption. He is ours but delivered differently to us than the girls. I am whole heartedly head over heels for this little boy as he is for me. His first words were mom, he smiles every time I walk in the room and crawls to me when he first sees me. He slobbers me with kisses and it amazes me how quickly we both bonded with each other. I wondered if babies know we aren't biologically each others...but there is no doubt it doesn't matter. I am his and he is mine. He has completed our world.

The adoption. It's not final yet. It's been 9 months and I don't think everything will be final for a couple more months. In all honesty, our attorney kind of dropped the ball but we are back on track. I'll keep you all updated. I think a lot of my anxiety will subside when we walk out of court with his final birth certificate in hand.

I also want you to know...I have thought of all of you through this. Knowing when I returned, there would be wonderful updates to catch up on...and I appreciate all your unconditional love. xoxo

 

[Bevziibubble]

What a roller coaster it's been for you! I'm so sorry that you've got PTSD. I am thinking of you often

That's so lovely that you've got a tree to remember Max

Wow, I can't believe S is 17. It's great that she's going to go to college

L sounds so cute and such a great big sister to E

E sounds like he is doing wonderfully! I hope that the adoption is finalized soon

 

[TTC74]

I hope you get your anxiety under control. I have panic attacks and general anxiety, too. It's a beast!

AFM - I'm well. Just caring for little Bella who is already a month old! DH and I have decided not to go on any kind of birth control. Since God blessed us with this little one, we aren't ready to question his/her/its will!

 

[amyamyamy]

Welcome back! We have missed you

 

[tankel]

Glad you are feeling healthy and happy. can't belie how fast the time is flying.

 

[BookGeek]

Welcome back! I knew this past year has been amazingly busy for you, but it sounds like you're been going through so much more than I ever imagined. You are so strong, my sweet friend. And you are an amazing Mom. Your girls are growing into a wonderful lady and a sweet little girl. It warms my heart that Evan is so much your son and a meant-to-be member of your family. We are all here for you for anything to need to talk about.

 

[xxmyheartxx]

Yay your back 😀
Hopefully it won't be long until Es adoption is finalised.
Can't believe that s is 17!! Prom, college it's going to quick!!!!
Sounds like l is an amazing big sister 💗
Sending many hugs to you xx

 

[Lovn.sunshine]

I'm so glad to have you back.

I'm so sorry that you've gone through so much over the last year. I had no idea it had gotten so bad I'm so glad that through yoga, therapy and medication, that your panic attacks are lessening. I hope you continue to improve.

The statue sounds perfect. I'm so glad that you have something to remind you and honor Max's memory.

I can't believe L is 17!! And that L will be 4!! where has the time gone?! That's so awesome that L knows what she wants to do and is up for going to college first!! That's awesome!!

I just adore your love story. I'm so glad you found J. That he found you. You two are soooooooo great together. I'm so glad you have his support and love

E really is the sweetest little face I've ever seen. I can't help but smile with my whole heart every time I see his pictures!! I'm so glad that L loves him so much!! Such a sweet bond!!

I hope that the adoption finalizes soon!!

Sending my love!!

 

[lemon_tree]

It fills my heart up to see you back on here.

Your family is incredible. I'm so sad about your panic attacks, but glad you've got such a strong and loving network to buoy you up.

Hoping for a smooth and perfect conclusion to the adoption process, sweet friend.

Xo

 

[tag74]

Can you remind me if this journal goes into search engines? Should I start a journal in a different group that has more privacy settings? I think Lovn.sunshine is the pro on this one.

I just can't continue the one where the news of Max was shared.

But anyway, Happy Sunday!
I have started to plan the big 1 year old birthday party. I think we are going to do a joint 4 year old and 1 year old/adoption party. I have hired the paw patrols to come! Boy life has changed. LOL

where are going to Florida for a week long vacation next month too and I CANNOT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!

I'm heading to your journals now. xoxo

 

[Bevziibubble]

I think the parenting journals section is more secure than this one as you need to be a member to view the posts so they won't come up on a search engine

So exciting that you're planning for E's first birthday

That's great you're going to Florida on vacation. I hope that you have a great time!

 

[tag74]

Thank you! I have to look into this.

 

[Cowgirl07]

It was shared? Like on Fb?
According to the parenting journal pinned post bnb is a public forum so they can find you if you want. Maybe a wordpress or something with password?

 

[tag74]

Hey Cowgirl! No more of wanting a journal within BnB that requires a membership. Anyone can read this journal whether they are a member or not. I think many of you are on my FB which is great!

 

[Cowgirl07]

Oh maybe ask the admin or something?

 

[lemon_tree]

I think the journals have more privacy settings.

Your party sounds like it will be epic! And are you going to Disney or elsewhere in Florida?

Hugs, friend!

 

[busytulip]

Lovely to see you back, you've been missed.

 

[tankel]

Where in FL are you going?